You see, it really is hard out there for a pimp (See? It goes right back to Cheney again!)

Republican congressman Randy 'Duke' Cunningham was sentenced to 8 years in prison. You see, it really is hard out there for a pimp." --Jay Leno

"The White House announced today, as everybody else did, that in President Bush's re-election campaign, they're going to take the money they got from this Jack Abramoff guy and donate it to heart patients in need. See? It goes right back to Cheney again!" --Jay Leno

"Yesterday was 666. And the devil did not show up yesterday, unless of course you're a Democrat watching Ann Coulter on the 'Today Show.'" --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Then on the other hand, Cheney can read (Just.tax.them.)

"Vice President Cheney is still getting a lot of flack for throwing that first pitch into the dirt [at the Washington Nationals home opener] -- whereas when President Bush threw out the first pitch in Cincinnati last week, it was a perfect strike. Then on the other hand, Cheney can read." --Jay Leno

"Do you believe we are addicted to oil? So basically when we invaded Iraq, we didn’t really mean anything, it was just the oil talking. We were under the influence of oil at the time. We just need a 12 step program and we could get out of Iraq." --Jay Leno

 

"Because of the Jack Abramoff and Duke Cunningham bribery scandals, Republicans in Congress are now putting together what they are calling a sweeping lobbying reform package. They think it's such a good idea that they're going to charge companies a million dollars to sponsor it." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The bad news is that he may be replaced by his idiot son Hosni W. Mubarak (it turned out to be a bag of cash dropped off by Jack Abramoff)

"Monday is President's Day and former President Bill Clinton is very excited. He is taking George Bush, Sr. to 'Hooters'. George H.W. Bush and Bill Clinton have been spending more and more time together. Doesn't that seem like an unusual couple to you, honestly? Earlier today they went to go see that gay cowboy movie." --David Letterman

"The good news is that Hosni Mubarak may step down. The bad news is that he may be replaced by his idiot son Hosni W. Mubarak." –David Letterman

"In Washington, the Justice Department was evacuated because of a suspicious package. It was okay, it just turned out to be a bag of cash dropped off by Jack Abramoff." --David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

In fact, people are now comparing Russia to the United States. That's how bad it is. (it was pretty dark inside Abramoff's back pocket)

"Mitt Romney was at a loss to explain why he dropped the ball. In fact, his wife is now blaming it on the New England Patriot receivers." –Jay Leno

"The Olympics start Friday and Russia's implementing the most intensive security in Olympics history. The government will monitor every email. They will monitor every social media message and they will listen in on every phone call. In fact, people are now comparing Russia to the United States. That's how bad it is." –Jay Leno

"More problems for the White House. Convicted lobbyist Jack Abramoff said he met with President Bush almost a dozen times, contradicting the White House claims that Bush didn't know him. In President Bush's defense, it was pretty dark inside Abramoff's back pocket." --Jay Leno

"The Broncos couldn't move the ball. The last time I saw a Bronco going that slow, OJ was driving it through L.A." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You think God was punishing him for being a pain in the a**? (buy a congressman online)

"The traditional Thanksgiving began in what year? 1621. And soon afterward, the Indians realized they had a failed immigration policy." –Jay Leno

"This Jack Abramoff guy allegedly bribed congressmen on issues ranging from wireless phone service to internet gambling. This guy was really up to date on technology. In fact, before he was indicted, he had a deal going with the home shopping network for people to be able to buy a congressman online." --Jay Leno

 

"Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon has regained some brain function. The bad news: Pat Robertson, still no brain function at all. You know about this -- last week Pat Robertson said Ariel Sharon had a stroke because God was punishing him for dividing Israel. You remember a couple of years ago Pat Robertson announced he had prostate cancer? You think God was punishing him for being a pain in the ass?" -- Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They say this condition can last anywhere from a few minutes in some people to as long as two entire George W. Bush terms in office

 

"Everyone is so concerned now where all of the candidates are born. John McCain was born on a military base in Panama. Hillary Clinton was born outside Chicago, and if you believe the media, Barack Obama was born in a manger." --Jay Leno

"All kinds of gigantic sales going on after Christmas. Today in Washington, lobbyist Jack Abramoff was selling Tom DeLay at 50% off." --Jay Leno

 

"According to a study at the University of Colorado, researchers say morning grogginess can give you a feeling of being legally drunk and unable to think straight. They say this condition can last anywhere from a few minutes in some people to as long as two entire George W. Bush terms in office." --Jay Leno

 

"It looks like even President Bush is now being affected by the writers' strike. Well sure, no new 'SpongeBob' episodes." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Everyone knows he is an orchid guy, so that's a bit of a f— you (But the bribes miraculously lasted for 8 whole days)

"Yes, (Jack Abramoff attended) only two Hanukkah receptions (at the White House). But the bribes miraculously lasted for 8 whole days." --Jon Stewart

 

"The Republican Party is still dealing with the fallout from the Jack Abramoff corruption scandal. The latest victim: Ohio Congressman and Three-Time World Comb-Over Champion Bob Ney. Ney stepped down from his position as House Administration Committee chairman this week while he's under investigation. That chairmanship goes to the next highest ranking Republican on the committee, Representative Giant Pile Of Jack Abramoff's Money." –Jon Stewart

"Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad became the first Middle Eastern leader to visit Iraq since Saddam Hussein fell, of let's say natural causes. Obviously, a visit from the Iranian leader to Iraq prompts some concern, and still President Bush has a clear message he would like the Iraqis to deliver to Ahmadinejad [on screen: President Bush saying, 'The message needs to be quit sending in sophisticated equipment that is killing our citizens. Stop exporting terror. The international community is serious about continuing to isolate Iran']. A strong message to send, but the Iraqi government owes us. I mean, they owe their life to us. Certainly the president's message will be delivered. Here's Ahmadinejad getting off the plane. They'll hit him. Wait, what? [on screen: Ahmadinejad arrives to a red carpet and a child with flowers]. There appears to be kissing. Alright, now here's where they'll execute him. No, he's being greeted by a child with flowers. A red carpet and a child with flowers. Okay. To the untrained eye that may appear to be gracious, maybe even a warm welcome, but I do want to point out that that little girl gave him chrysanthemums. Everyone knows he is an orchid guy, so that's a bit of a f— you." --Jon Stewart

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If Bush could run again in the next presidential election, he'd get beaten by the bird flu (smaller barrels)

 

"Even President Bush is starting to get worried about this economy being out of control, you know. I mean, gold is over $1,000 an ounce. Oil, $1,100 a barrel. Hookers, $5,000 an hour." --Jay Leno

"President Bush approval rating: all-time low. 31%. If Bush could run again in the next presidential election, he'd get beaten by the bird flu." --Jay Leno

"Lots of people are returning gifts this week, and that's just Congressmen. Even President Bush returned $6,000 given to him by that creepy Jack Abramoff guy. But Bush said he hadn't done anything with the money. In fact, it still had the original strings attached." --Jay Leno

 

"President Bush announced his plan to increase the number of barrels of oil produced. Have you heard of his plan? He wants to make smaller barrels." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I tell you, when he was at college his blood alcohol level was higher than that (official cause of death was listed as Karma)

"More bad news for President Bush, his approval rating now dropped again, now at 33%. I tell you, when he was at college his blood alcohol level was higher than that. I'll give you an idea of how bad Bush's approval rating is, today he got turned down by Di-Tech." --Jay Leno

"An awkward moment for Mitt Romney today in Colorado. A homeless guy asked him for a dollar, but all he had was Swiss Francs." –Jay Leno

"More problems for the White House. Convicted lobbyist Jack Abramoff said he met with President Bush almost a dozen times, contradicting the White House claims that Bush didn't know him. In President Bush's defense, it was pretty dark inside Abramoff's back pocket." --Jay Leno

 

"Enron's president, Ken Lay, passed away last week. So I guess even God lost money on that Enron deal. I believe the official cause of death was listed as 'karma.' The family asked in lieu of flowers, please send some elderly retiree's entire life savings." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You know the sad thing, a lot of historians would agree with that (Riding that train, high on cocaine...)

"Experts say we're going through what's known as a lock, stock and barrel financial phase. You know what that is, and how that works? People are locked out of their homes, their stocks are worthless, and the oil companies have us over a barrel. That's how it works." --Jay Leno

 

"President Bush said catching a 7.5 pound fish was his best moment since becoming president. You know the sad thing, a lot of historians would agree with that." --Jay Leno

 

"On this week on ABC, John McCain said, no new taxes. You know who else said no new taxes? Wesley Snipes." –Jay Leno

"It turns out, Jack Abramoff got a lot of money from the Indian gaming people and then he defrauded them. He defrauded Indian tribes and took their money. I just hope this one incident doesn't poison the normally good trust that existed between the white man and the Indian." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

graham cracker levees (Good luck, you poor bastard)

"New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin caused a controversy when he said when New Orleans is rebuilt, it will be a chocolate city. Yeah, he went on to say that it will be protected by a series of graham cracker levees." --Conan O'Brien

"A Texas paper is reporting that lobbyist Jack Abramoff charged a client $25,000 to have lunch with President Bush. Not surprisingly, this is the most anyone has ever paid for lunch at Chuck E. Cheese." --Conan O'Brien

"You all watch that big Democratic debate last night? There will be 65 more to help us make up our mind. But it got a little a little nasty last night. Last night, Senator Hillary Clinton once again accused Barack Obama of plagiarizing his speech from another politician. Yeah, Hillary said plagiarizing is the second worst kind of cheating." --Conan O'Brien

"At a press conference, President Bush introduced his new press secretary Tony Snow, and the president said, this is a quote, 'His job is to help explain my decisions to the American people.' Yeah, then Bush turned to Snow and said, 'Good luck, you poor bastard.'" --Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

since it's started spying on gay groups, it's been having some weird feelings (yeah, that's our entire plan)

"President Bush said that when it comes to hurricane preparedness, step number one is, quote, 'pray that there's no hurricanes.' Later President Bush admitted, yeah, that's our entire plan." --Conan O'Brien

"Michigan Governor Jennifer Granholm has agreed to help Joe Biden prepare for the debate by standing in and playing the role of Sarah Palin. That's true. See, up until now, the only Sarah Palin role playing has come at the request of Bill Clinton." --Conan O'Brien

"Republican lobbyist Jack Abramoff has agreed to cooperate with federal prosecutors. He could name up to 20 congressmen. When President Bush heard this, he said 'That's amazing. I can only name three congressmen.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The Pentagon admitted it's been spying on gay groups. The Pentagon also admitted that since it's started spying on gay groups, it's been having some weird feelings." --Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Of course there's no plan B. We don't have a plan A. (So he went from Sodom to Gomorrah)

Barack Obama is now considered the front-runner. You know what they say, behind every successful man is a woman. Hillary was surprised to find out that it was her." --Jay Leno

"The U.S. Ambassador to Iraq said today he was not aware of any plan B strategy by our government for Iraq. Of course there's no plan B. We don't have a plan A." --Jay Leno

"When they had to book [Jack Abramoff], they emptied his pockets and Tom DeLay fell out. We're learning more and more about this Abramoff guy. You know, before he was a lobbyist, he was a Hollywood producer. So he went from Sodom to Gomorrah." --Jay Leno

"Saudi Arabia announced today that contrary to rumors of dwindling oil supplies, they have plenty of oil. In fact, with the most recent estimate, they said they have enough oil to keep screwing us for the next 300 years." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

A defiant President Bush said today, 'not if we get there first.' (Dependents? Oh, I thought it said defendants)

"All the other Democratic candidates are continuing to attack Hillary Clinton. In fact, in the debate the other night, they accused Hillary Clinton of having things both ways. Which is ironic, 'cause Bill's been trying to talk her into that for years." --Jay Leno

"Senator Ted Kennedy said he plans to quit the owl club, a social club that bans women. Today Hillary Clinton asked Ted if he knew of any other clubs that ban women that her husband could join." --Jay Leno

"Andy Card resigned. Finally a Republican leaving Washington not in handcuffs." --Jay Leno

"Scientists in Russia have announced they will send a man to the moon by the year 2025. A defiant President Bush said today, 'not if we get there first.'" --Jay Leno

"While President Bush was doing his taxes, under dependents he listed Scooter Libby, Tom DeLay and Jack Abramoff. Then he caught himself, 'Dependents? Oh, I thought it said defendants.'" --Jay Leno

"To give you an idea about how expensive gas is, this morning I carpooled in with Letterman." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The surprise is that he's still the secretary of defense (Dependents? Oh, I thought it said defendants)

"Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld made a surprise visit

to Iraq yesterday. The surprise is that he's still the secretary

of defense, I guess." --Jay Leno

"In Orange County, President Bush was talking about

immigration. Bush said that massive deportation is

unrealistic. He said you can't just move 12 million

people to another country. I don't know, Mexico

did it." --Jay Leno

"Republicans in Congress are demanding that

President Bush investigate whether oil companies

are now gouging consumers on these gas prices.

That's a good idea, Republicans asking Republicans

to investigate other Republicans. And you know

who they're going to blame? The Democrats."

--Jay Leno

"Proponents of this amnesty program for illegal

immigrants say they are willing to take on jobs

Americans are not willing to do. You know,

like come up with an immigration policy."

–Jay Leno

"I have to admit that I turned away from the Olympics

yesterday. Fox had a more exciting sporting event on:

Softball with Dick Cheney and Britt Hume." --Jay Leno

"While President Bush was doing his taxes, under

dependents he listed Scooter Libby, Tom DeLay

and Jack Abramoff. Then he caught himself,

'Dependents? Oh, I thought it said defendants.'"

--Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

it's being marketed more as a justification to attack Greece (big fat sex scandal)

"A lot of people have asked, 'Why the big response'? Isn't it obvious? He's a strong leader, he's spreading democracy, and in Albania, it is effectively still 2002. They only just started listening to Nellie. It's still okay to wear those plastic butterfly clips in your hair. And 'My Big Fat Greek Wedding' has just opened in theatres. Though, over there, it's being marketed more as a justification to attack Greece." --Stephen Colbert

"So to the Albanians, the president has just recently launched a highly popular war in Afghanistan. There's no Iraq, no congressional page sex scandal, no Jack Abramoff, no wire-tapping, no secret prisons, no torture, no Valerie Plame, no Abu Ghraib, no no-bid contracts, no Hurricane Katrina, no attorney firings, no contents of Karl Rove's basement freezer. Oh. I'm sorry, I may have spoken too soon. I don't know if that one's broken yet. It's going to be big." --Stephen Colbert

A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster.

Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s

Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-

collected-poems-1985-2015.html

Oops, sorry... For a second I thought he was a congressional page (carry on)

President Trump signed a funding bill today that supports NASA’s efforts to explore deep space and lay the groundwork for a human mission to Mars. [shows photo of Hillary] “Ooh, me first!” said one volunteer. –Seth Meyers

Ivanka Trump is reportedly getting an office in the White House in addition to security clearance and government-issued communication devices. Even more unbelievable, so is Donald Trump. –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

Bush, when he says he's 100% sure, he's always right (younger, hotter running mate)

"While President Bush was spending the holid­ays at his Texas ranch, he was clearing brush and a branch cut his face. As a result the tree was cut down and tortured by Dick Cheney." --Conan O'Brien

"Republican lobbyist Jack Abramoff has agreed to cooperate with federal prosecutors. He could name up to 20 congressmen. When President Bush heard this, he said 'That's amazing. I can only name three congressmen.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump is reportedly considering running for president in 2008. Yeah, Trump said he'll choose a running mate, and then dump her for a younger, hotter running mate." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush says he is 100% sure he was right to wiretap. 100% sure that he was right to wiretap. And you know Bush, when he says he's 100% sure, he's always right." --David Letterman