that's just the sound of an angel getting its wings (Dad's belt)

This week was Teacher Appreciation Week, so thank you to the greatest teacher of all time... Dad's belt. —Colin Jost 

A group of middle-school students in Mississippi kept their bus from crashing after the driver passed out behind the wheel. The town says the kids are heroes who acted quickly, while the bus driver says, "The kids robbed me of the death I have long begged for.” —Colin Jost 

Police in New Jersey are investigating a construction site after a porta-potty mysteriously exploded, though in New Jersey, that's just the sound of an angel getting its wings. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I didn't say it. I declared it (panda steaks)

The University of Mississippi is hosting a panel on how the news media can regain trust featuring speaker Brian Stelter. This will be followed by a seminar titled How to Make Men Horny by Rosie O’Donnell. —Greg Gutfeld

A disaster was narrowly averted at New York airport when an Alaska Airlines flight narrowly missed, hitting a FedEx cargo plane. The crash could have killed hundreds and delayed RFK Jr.’s shipment of panda stakes. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

right before they took her keys to her car (If only she could get close enough to her cake to blow out the candles)

The mayor of Jackson, Mississippi, signed a proclamation declaring Kamala Harris Day to honor all of her accomplishments. They're calling it Cinco de Drunko. Kamala was also awarded Jackson, Mississippi's key to the city, which was offered right before they took her keys to her car. —Greg Gutfeld

The House Oversight Committee is looking into how Ilhan Omar and her husband went from being nearly broke to having $30 million in just one year. But Omar credits her financial adviser, Nancy Pelosi. —Greg Gutfeld

Today is music icon Dolly Parton's 80th birthday. If only she could get close enough to her cake to blow out the candles. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If only she could get close enough to her cake to blow out the candles (Cinco de Drunko)

The mayor of Jackson, Mississippi, signed a proclamation declaring Kamala Harris Day to honor all of her accomplishments. They're calling it Cinco de Drunko. —Greg Gutfeld

The House Oversight Committee is looking into how Ilhan Omar and her husband went from being nearly broke to having $30 million in just one year. But she credits her financial adviser, Nancy Pelosi. —Greg Gutfeld

Today is music icon Dolly Parton's 80th birthday. If only she could get close enough to her cake to blow out the candles. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They left the game early to beat traffic (Just let it ring)

Pringles is selling a line of scented candles in the U.K. that smell like different Pringles flavors. They said they tried selling them in the U.S., but people ate them. –Jimmy Fallon

American Airlines accidentally sent someone's pet corgi to Honolulu instead of Jackson, Mississippi. The owner frantically called the airport in Hawaii, but the dog was like, “Just let it ring.” –Jimmy Fallon

The Philadelphia 76ers set a new record for the longest losing streak in American sports history, with 28 losses in a row since last season. You know the 76ers are bad when THEY leave the game early to beat traffic. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The public isn't supposed to know about either one (but thankfully, he landed on his hard shell back)

Senator Mitch McConnell, seen here watching a gust of wind blow away a homeless man's lottery ticket, suffered minor injuries after he fell during a Republican lunch, but thankfully, he landed on his hard shell back. —Michael Che                                        

Today marks the 205th anniversary of Alabama becoming a state. To find out what life was like in Alabama 205 years ago, go to Mississippi. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

they're definitely gonna offer him the number two spot on the ticket (Cheney)

"Congratulations to Barack Obama, won again last night. He beat Hillary in Mississippi, with 60% of the vote. In fact, he won by such a wide margin, Hillary is now definitely gonna offer him the number two spot on the ticket." --Jay Leno

"Earlier today, the Capitol building in Washington, D.C. was on lock down because someone heard gunshots coming from the parking lot. When the Capitol police heard this, they all said the same thing: 'Cheney.'" --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

that almost sounds like an oxymoron (consolation prize)

 

"Yesterday in Mississippi, Barack Obama told the crowd he is not interested in being Hillary Clinton's running mate, saying, he didn't know how he could be offered the lesser job if he's in first place. Come to think of it, I was wondering that myself." --Jay Leno

"In political news, Hillary Clinton has been hinting that she and Barack Obama might share the Democratic ticket with her in the number one position. She feels Barack Obama deserves some sort of consolation prize for getting the most votes and being the most popular." --Jay Leno

"The Senate Intelligence Committee -- that almost sounds like an oxymoron -- released a report this week saying there's no evidence that Saddam Hussein had a relationship with al Qaeda. Thank God we found that out before we did something crazy." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

See, his wife is right, he is funny. He can make jokes (They were so hostile to each other, I thought they were married)

"President Bush is now urging all nations to cut off aid to Hamas and Palestine, including the $234 million we were going to send them. In fact, to make sure, Bush is putting FEMA in charge to make sure the money never gets there." --Jay Leno

"During a fundraiser at a country club in Mississippi, Mitt Romney said the GOP is a party focused on helping the poor. See, his wife Ann is right, he is funny. He can make jokes." –Jay Leno

 

"Did you all see 'American Gladiators' the other night? Not the NBC show, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama. They were so hostile to each other, I thought they were married." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They're doing it just because Taylor Swift told them to (but it ends with him killing Obi-Wan Kenobi)

South Carolina and Mississippi are on the verge of taking down their state Capitol's Confederate flag. Here's the surprising part. They're doing it just because Taylor Swift told them to. –Conan O’Brien

"Former Vice President Dick Cheney is in the news. Cheney has signed a publishing deal to write his memoirs. I don't want to spoil anything, but it ends with him killing Obi-Wan Kenobi.'" --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Not percent — people. (Just let it ring)

A new poll shows Donald Trump has 36 percent support among

Republicans and Ted Cruz is in second place with 16 percent.

Meanwhile, Jeb Bush is at 3. Not percent — people.

–Jimmy Fallon

American Airlines accidentally sent someone's pet corgi to Honolulu instead of Jackson, Mississippi. The owner frantically called the airport in Hawaii, but the dog was like, “Just let it ring.” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Today it just said, 'Eat me.' (sick time)

"An unnamed American entity is going to take over. The rumor is that it's Halliburton. Talk about arrogant. You know that sign Bush stands in front of all the time with the writing on it? Today it just said, 'Eat me.'" --Bill Maher

"Those two guys were up before the congressional Committee this week, which issued the report on Katrina, which lambasted the White House for wasting billions of dollars that was stolen, lost, we don't know where it is. Bush said history will call that a small price to pay if we wind up bringing democracy to Louisiana and it spreads to Mississippi and Florida." –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So it looks like Mitt Romney may have found his running mate (My guess: a personality)

"In his new campaign ad, President Obama asks, 'What is Mitt Romney hiding?' My guess: a personality." –Jay Leno

"During a fundraiser at a country club in Mississippi, Mitt Romney said the GOP is a party focused on helping the poor. See, his wife Ann is right, he is funny. He can make jokes." –Jay Leno

"An Indiana man has pleaded guilty to strapping four kids to the hood of his car and then driving them around. So it looks like Mitt Romney may have found his running mate." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

He narrowly beat the second-place finisher, a gun wearing a cowboy hat (Extra Dickles)

Donald Trump won yesterday’s Arizona Republican primary with almost 50 percent of the vote. He narrowly beat the second-place finisher, a gun wearing a cowboy hat. –Seth Meyers

Actress Cynthia Nixon today announced her bid to run for New York governor, and she debuted her campaign slogan, “Nixon 2018: No Relation.” --Seth Meyers

The manager at a Sonic restaurant in Mississippi recently posted a message asking customers not to smoke weed in the drive-thru. Meanwhile Taco Bell offered them a light. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

You do not want to be the poor man's Sammy Hagar (slavery leaves a mark)

"The race for the Democratic nomination moved yesterday to Mississippi where Senator Barack Obama defeated Senator Clinton by 61% to 37%. Second win in a row for Obama. Clearly gaining momentum. Major night for his campaign [on screen: montage of news anchors and pundits saying Obama's win was expected]. There you have it, if the media isn't surprised something is going to happen, it does not count. Actually, there was one shocking result [on screen: FNC's Sean Hannity saying, 'Nine to one African-Americans voted for Barack Obama. 76% of the white voters go for Hillary. What are we to make of those two things?] That slavery leaves a mark." --Jon Stewart

[On Bush saying Porter Goss 'led ably'] "Ouch. That guy must have sucked. I mean for god sakes, Mike Brown drowned New Orleans and he got 'heckuva job.' George Tenet thought WMDs were a slam dunk. He got the Presidential Medal of Freedom. Led ably? I think the last guy who was said to have led ably was Gary Cherone when he took over Van Halen. You do not want to be the poor man's Sammy Hagar." --Jon Stewart

"Meanwhile, on the Republican side, yesterday John McCain visited President George W. Bush to be passed the torch, a torch that the president most likely broke and crazy glued back together hoping no one would notice." --Jon Stewart

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This is the oldest evidence yet of beer goggles (They're doing it just because Taylor Swift told them to)

Amazon announced it's discontinuing products with the Confederate flag. They won't sell it. So now Amazon no longer has to use the phrase "You may also like slavery." –Conan O’Brien

Scientists believe the first modern Europeans mated with Neanderthals. This is the oldest evidence yet of beer goggles. –Conan O’Brien

South Carolina and Mississippi are on the verge of taking down their state Capitol's Confederate flag. Here's the surprising part. They're doing it just because Taylor Swift told them to. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

It was like watching a really good special ed teacher (it also makes SpongeBob SquarePants hilarious)

“Mitt Romney is not a regular guy. He was campaigning in Mississippi this week and said ‘some of my best friends spill oil in this gulf.’” –Bill Maher

“Rush Limbaugh has lost so many advertisers that on Thursday there was five minutes on his show of dead air. And most observers agree he’s never been so eloquent. “–Bill Maher

"President Obama met with the Republicans for seven hours. And he was very patient with them. He praised them when it was appropriate, he was gently critical when necessary. It was like watching a really good special ed teacher." –Bill Maher

"Senator Mitch McConnell came out for legalizing hemp. He said during these tough economic times, this legislation has the potential to create jobs, provide a boost to Kentucky's economy and our farmers, and it also makes SpongeBob SquarePants hilarious." –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It must have been when they made slavery illegal in Mississippi all the way back in ... four weeks ago (Delusions)

A few years ago Tucker Carlson was a regular guest on a radio show called Bubba the Love Sponge. One of the many things that Carlson said that have people upset, is that he called women “Primitive.” Sure, women are primitive. Right now, many of them want to throw Tucker Carlson into a volcano. --Stephen Colbert

This week, it came out that one of Donald Trump’s Mar-a-Lago buddies wrote him a policy pitch for the Department of Veterans Affairs, to which Trump responded, “Affairs? I’m In. In fact, I’m a veteran.” --Stephen Colbert

"I must have missed the moment when racism ended. I wonder when it was? The time Ross dated Aisha Tyler on 'Friends?' Or when Keebler added a black elf? Oh, I know. It must have been when they made slavery illegal in Mississippi all the way back in ... four weeks ago." –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I got you a very special package, mine. (Double-edged sword)

Let’s talk about Donald Trump, because we do it every night. He said that he may skip the next Republican debate on CNN unless the network pays him $5 million. But CNN laughed it off, saying, “We don't have $5 million.” –Jimmy Fallon

In a recent interview, Donald Trump's daughter Ivanka said that there are times when she disagrees with her father. But then there are MORE times when she likes the idea of inheriting a billion dollars. Double-edged sword. –Jimmy Fallon

American Airlines accidentally sent someone's pet corgi to Honolulu instead of Jackson, Mississippi. The owner frantically called the airport in Hawaii, but the dog was like, “Just let it ring.” –Jimmy Fallon

"Thank you, the TSA, for celebrating your 10th birthday this month. I got you a very special package, mine." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”