Iraq rememberer (Andrew Island)

Well, we start tonight with some breaking news. Just a few hours ago Spirit Airlines permanently shut down mid-flight. The airline stranded thousands of passengers at airports with no employees manning any of the check-in desks. Spirit said they were proud they were still maintaining their normal level of service. —Colin Jost

King Charles also presented President Trump with the original bell from a British submarine and said, "Should you ever need to get a hold of us, just give us a ring.” Or Trump could just call the guy saved in his phone as "Andrew (Island).” —Colin Jost  

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

One of the worst disasters to hit the U.S. (I took Prince Andrew's seat)

Earlier today, King Charles and Queen Camila paid a visit to New York City. To make them feel at home, none of us floss. —Greg Gutfeld

The White House held held a state dinner for the king and queen of England and I actually attended though they stuck me at the kids table. Yeah, I took Prince Andrew's seat. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It was the longest in history, lasting almost two full diapers (if it comes down to either him or Meghan Markle)

President Trump's State of the Union address this week was the longest in history, lasting almost two full diapers. —Colin Jost

Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor, the former prince and current river corpse...has been arrested and now may be banned from ever taking the throne. In fact, the royal family said the only way he can become king is if it comes down to either him or Meghan Markle. —Colin Jost

Thursday was National Small Dog Day, which is celebrated every February by hawks. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

he was wearing a red shirt and no pants (Britain’s most eligible bachelor)

Yesterday was Winnie the Pooh Day. This is according to a man on the subway explaining why he was wearing a red shirt and no pants. --Colin Jost, SNL

This week, Britain’s most eligible bachelor, Prince Andrew, officially deleted his Twitter account after he realized that’s not the App with the dancing teenagers. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

We’re living in dog years now (the Distract-o-matic is cranked all the way up)

Another batch of the Epstein Files have been released and there are mentions of known Epstein associates such as Trump and Bill Gates. It would seem that some other famous people, including Elon Musk and Howard Lutnick, the commerce secretary, may not have been telling the whole truth about their interactions with Jeffrey Epstein. 

It is clear that Prince Andrew is royally fucked, which is a term you hear a lot but rarely when it is literally true. And most of all, it is so bananas that the guy who is in charge of releasing all these files and redacting all this evidence is Donald Trump’s own personal defense attorney, Todd Blanche. And then there’s all this other stuff going on – busting into the election headquarters in Georgia, arresting journalists like Don Lemon. 

Suddenly shutting down the Kennedy Center for two years, calling for nationalized elections, Trump suing the government he runs for $10 billion. My head is spinning, but I guess that’s the point. Remember when Trump was threatening to invade Greenland? That was not even two weeks ago! We’re living in dog years now. And it’s only going to get nuttier. Now that the new batch of Epstein files is out, the Distract-o-matic is cranked all the way up. —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Trying to figure out where he knows Prince Andrew from (smuggling falcons)

President Trump says he knows the addresses of every drug lord in Mexico. Once again, a shout out to Hunter's Laptop. —Greg Gutfeld

And finally, a man charged with smuggling sedated parakeets in his underwear told suspicious border agents that the bulge in his pants was his genitals. Great. Now the TSA is going to think I’m smuggling falcons. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Sadly, on the same corner (golden retrievers)

Prince Andrew has been stripped of his royal title of Prince due to his involvement with Jeffrey Epstein, and Andrew says he can only become prince again if he gets a kiss from a young princess. —Michael Che

A golden retriever in Virginia became an Internet celebrity after his owners posted videos of the dog stealing items from around the house. Meanwhile, a black Lab who did the same thing got the death penalty! —Michael Che

A 101-year-old woman from New Jersey says she still goes to work six days a week. Sadly, on the same corner. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The Queen's favorite sons (Americans see right through it)

So the media's been trying to blame the White House for lying to them about Joe Biden's sorry state, but like the hole that I drilled in our green room bathroom, Americans see right through it. —Greg Gutfeld

The media claims that they didn't know much about Biden's health but we know even less about Trump’s? Dude, we see Trump every single day. We hear his voice. We read his tweets. We hear him when he's not even around. The contrast couldn't be more obvious. Trump got shot in the ear and jumped right up, while Biden kept losing a fight with gravity. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

We live in the time Einstein warned us about (swooped in after a huge disaster)

Vice President Kamala Harris traveled to North Carolina to survey damage from the hurricane, which is the second time this year she swooped in after a huge disaster. —Colin Jost

It was reported that Diddy once invited Prince Harry and Prince William to one of his parties, but they did not go. Although before Diddy could even finish writing the invite, Prince Andrew was there. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

don’t worry – we’ll work on that one next (it’s a dry crazy)

The Arizona supreme court voted to reinstate a 160-year-old abortion ban. That is crazy. But remember, it’s Arizona, so it’s a dry crazy. —Stephen Colbert

The court ruled that because Roe v Wade had been overturned, there was nothing stopping them from enforcing the 1864 law, which was passed before women had the right to vote. To which the Arizona supreme court said, ‘don’t worry – we’ll work on that one next.’ —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s the first brawl that began with everyone in critical condition (Stop the car!)

A brawl broke out in a Canadian nursing home when a 79 year old woman took the seat of an 86 year old during a Bingo game. It’s the first brawl that began with everyone in critical condition. --Michael Che, SNL

In a new documentary, an ex-girlfriend of Prince Andrew describes Jeffrey Epstein and Ghislaine Maxwell as Batman and Robin. Come on. What does Batman and Robin have in common with a billionaire that grooms teenagers? —Michael Che

The oldest living person in the United States died this week at the age of 115. It’s a powerful reminder to always test your cocaine for Fentanyl. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

that's two books in two years, or as she calls it, her trilogy (Today they passed a bill that said beans can only be fried once)

"They passed a bill banning public schools now from offering any courses in ethnic studies. It's funny, you know, they never say they're targeting Mexicans specifically, but I think we get that idea. Today they passed a bill that said beans can only be fried once." –Bill Maher

"Just in time for Christmas, the queen of 'Drill Baby Drill,' Sarah Palin, has a new book out. It was announced this week. It's called, America By Heart: Reflections on Family, Faith and Flag. And for Sarah, that's two books in two years, or as she calls it, her trilogy." –Bill Maher

The conspiracy theories are abounding already because this Jeffrey Epstein guy knew everybody at Clinton Trump Prince Andrew Dershowitz oh it was a who's who of Eww Eww. This Epstein guy was a weirdo I mean, besides the pedophilia, besides the sex island, besides the plane the Lolita Express they called it. A ranch in New Mexico, did you read this? I'm not making this up, where he was gathering scientists and nubile young women and a plan to repopulate the earth from his spawn and Arnold Schwarzenegger said, “or you could just hop on the maid.” --Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Just because you went for a long time, doesn’t mean you did a good job (Nothing to see here)

This week, Britain’s most eligible bachelor, Prince Andrew, officially deleted his Twitter account after he realized that’s not the App with the dancing teenagers. —Colin Jost

President Biden marked the end of his first year in office with a two hour press conference. Because that’s how long it took to list everything that’s gone wrong. But as I have been told many times before, just because you went for a long time, doesn’t mean you did a good job. —Colin Jost

Delta Airlines has introduced a new plane that features windows in the bathroom. Unfortunately, they face into the cabin. --Colin Jost, SNL

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Come on, doesn't some small part of you sort of want to see where this all goes? (Now get Bill Clinton and Prince Andrew)

Donald Trump announced his 2020 campaign slogan will be "Keep America great!" Well, there were a bunch of other slogans he almost went with instead. For example, Trump also considered "I'm with hair." He also thought about going with "I mean, it can't get worse than it already is." And finally he almost went with, "Come on, doesn't some small part of you sort of want to see where this all goes?" --Jimmy Fallon

Tonight was part one of "The Bachelor" finale. People weren't sure if Colton would go with Hannah or Tayshia or maybe try to win back Cassie. I've got my own theories, but after explaining them, my Uber driver was like, "Sir, we've been at your destination for 10 minutes. Please get out of the car!" --Jimmy Fallon

Some more news here. I saw that Kia just debuted a new electric car that has a dashboard with 21 screens. 21 screens. They even have a name for it: the Accidente. --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Domino’s Monarch Tracker (build your own light saber)

September 2022

“The state funeral for Queen Elizabeth II in London was on Monday, a lengthy procession in which King Charles and his three siblings walked behind the coffin for 1.5 hours. That’s not easy – for years, the royal family’s only form of exercise has been walking back statements from Andrew.” —Stephen Colbert

“The procession required 22 miles of barriers in central London alone. Of course, those in the city who wanted to know exactly where the procession was at any one moment along the route could just download the Domino’s Monarch Tracker.” —Stephen Colbert

“Florida governor, Ron DeSantis, sent two planes full of Venezuelan asylum seekers to Martha’s Vineyard without any forewarning. Turns out, it was way worse than we imagined because he actually abducted them from Texas. For a guy who acts so concerned about borders, he doesn’t seem to know where his state ends.” —Stephen Colbert

“Why is the governor of Florida spending his taxpayers’ money to snatch asylum seekers in Texas? Because he can read their minds. DeSantis justified his actions by saying that most of the asylum seekers intended to go to Florida. Come on, no one intends to go to Florida. You’re forced to go there for two reasons: you’re about to die and want to eat pudding next to an alligator, or you want to do that Disney thing and build your own light saber.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Did someone lose the public trust after decades of selling lies for the ruling class? (just for show)

February 2022

Donald Trump praised Vladimir Putin moving troops into Ukraine saying, ‘This is genius.’ Though, ‘this is genius’ is also how he sarcastically introduces Eric. —Colin Jost

It was reported that Buckingham Palace staff have been mocking Prince Andrew with a nursery rhyme. Said Prince Andrew, ‘Oh, nursery.’ —Colin Jost

Officials have posthumously stripped Medina Spirit of his 2021 Kentucky Derby victory for failing a post race drug test. And I just want to say to Medina Spirit, I hope it’s hot in horse hell, you cheating bastard! —Colin Jost

Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson seen here getting tired of Y’all’s Foolishness, was nominated by President Biden to become the first black woman on the Supreme Court. —Michael Che

Biden chose Jackson after interviewing three finalists this week. Weird, ‘I thought interviewing black candidates was just for show,’ said the NFL. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

His diet calls for 1,000 pounds of dinosaur meat a day (I also kind of hate Ireland)

January 2022

In a new interview, Bono reveals that he never liked the name U2, adding, ‘I also kind of hate Ireland.’ —Colin Jost

Longtime director of Wheel of Fortune has died at the age of 92. Said Wheel of Fortune viewers, ‘Wow. So young.’ —Colin Jost

This week, Britain’s most eligible bachelor, Prince Andrew, officially deleted his Twitter account after he realized that’s not the App with the dancing teenagers. —Colin Jost

Dwayne Johnson said that a skull of a T-Rex that was seen behind him during a recent interview was a replica and not the real thing. Johnson also said that it is just a coincidence that his diet calls for 1,000 pounds of dinosaur meat a day. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html

#1001Ways #RandomThoughts #poetry

 

OK, but they didn’t have to do it in front of the class (Hopefully not to a theater)

January 2022

Actor Jon Voight recently released a video claiming that Abraham Lincoln’s spirit was guiding Donald Trump. Hopefully not to a theater. —Michael Che

In a new documentary, an ex-girlfriend of Prince Andrew describes Jeffrey Epstein and Ghislaine Maxwell as Batman and Robin. Come on. What does Batman and Robin have in common with a billionaire that grooms teenagers? —Michael Che

Officials in Hong Kong announced that after some hamsters in a pet store tested positive for Covid, they had to kill more than 2,000 of the pets. OK, but they didn’t have to do it in front of the class. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html

#1001Ways #RandomThoughts #poetry  

 

New York’s fourth worst real estate heir (with the help of a small ladder, I can dunk)

January 2022

Robert Durst, the New York real estate heir, who murdered and dismembered his neighbor has died in prison. Durst will be remembered as New York’s fourth worst real estate heir. —Colin Jost

Google is claiming that Apple’s practice of using blue bubbles in their iMessage App to highlight other Apple users leads to peer pressure and bullying of Android users. While Apple says Android users could easily solve the problem by not being so dumb and poor. —Colin Jost

Prince Andrew who faces charges of sexual abuse has been stripped of his royal duties by Queen Elizabeth. It’s an unprecedented case of an adult stripping Prince Andrew. —Colin Jost

Republicans are being criticized for blocking the voting rights bill, but of course, republicans don’t want voting rights because if voting was fair they’d lose. It’s the same reason I keep my basketball hoop lowered to eight feet. Because with the help of a small ladder, I can dunk. —Colin Jost

But if there’s any silver lining to voter suppression is that we’ll never have to hear republicans try to appeal to black voters. Because no one wants to hear Ted Cruz say For Shizzel. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html

#1001Ways #RandomThoughts #poetry

 

I hear Prince Andrew has an island he goes to to address his privates (So, we good?)

March 2021

“Palace sources say the Windsors were blindsided because they thought at worst, the interview would make them look out of touch. Because if there’s one thing a palace surrounded by iron spikes looked like before, it was ‘in touch.’ Now, remember not to make eye contact with the lady whose face is on the coins.” —Stephen Colbert

“Buckingham Palace today released a statement on behalf of the queen that begins, ‘The whole family is saddened’ — saddened is another word for bull [expletive] — ‘to learn the full extent of how challenging the last few years have been for Harry and Meghan.’ Oh, they just found out. ‘The issues raised, particularly that of race, are concerning. While some recollections may vary, they will be addressed privately.’ In other words, Prince Charles is about to get a royal shoe in his [expletive].” —Jimmy Kimmel

“The statement continues, ‘They are taken very seriously and will be addressed by the family privately.’ Oh, no doubt. I hear Prince Andrew has an island he goes to to address his privates.” —Stephen Colbert

“For those who aren’t fluent in palace speak, they’re basically saying, ‘We’re sorry you feel this way.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“The statement would have sounded more sincere if they didn’t end it with, ‘So, we good?’” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”