My body's gone! (he loved him in Driving Miss Daisy)

According to a new book Joe Biden couldn't even recognize George Clooney at a fundraiser last June leaving the star quote "shaken to his core." In response Biden said he was also shaken but that was from the icy grip of death. But let's get this straight, George was okay with a mentally incompetent man running the country, but he drew the line when Biden couldn't recognize the star of Leatherheads, Tomorrowland and the Monuments Men. But don't worry George, when Joe ran into Obama he told him he loved him in Driving Miss Daisy. —Greg Gutfeld

Speaking of Biden, during a routine physical doctors discovered a small nodule on the former president's prostate. Joe Scarboro described the nodule as sharp as a tack. —Greg Gutfeld

According to the same Biden book, Joe's physical deterioration was so severe that aides thought he'd need a wheelchair if he was reelected. That's crazy, who needs a wheelchair to carry an urn. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Barkeep, give me a shot of whole milk. Just leave the whole carton. (The student has become the master)

December 2022

“According to a survey, during the holidays, most dog owners buy a gift for their pet. Yeah. And then there's the people that are too lazy to shop and just give their dog cash.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Buying a gift for a dog is stressful. I mean, seriously, there's nothing more depressing than watching your dog open a present then fake wagging his tail.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Today President Biden hosted a ceremony on the South Lawn to sign a bill that mandates federal recognition for same-sex marriages. When he heard the news, Mike Pence was like, ‘Barkeep, give me a shot of whole milk. Just leave the whole carton.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“I read that Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner cut ties with former president Trump because he's ‘losing value’ and they don't need him anymore. Trump’s not even upset. He's like, ‘The student has become the master.’” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's being called innovative by seafood lovers, and the best idea ever by bacteria (so it kind of works out)

Supporters of Donald Trump are saying the fact that he lost a billion dollars and then didn’t pay income taxes for 18 years means he is a "genius." They also say three marriages makes him a "feminist," so it kind of works out. –Conan O’Brien

In France, someone has installed the first ever "Raw Oyster Vending Machine." It's being called innovative by seafood lovers, and the best idea ever by bacteria. –Conan O’Brien

"Over the weekend Mitt Romney made an appearance at a NASCAR race in Virginia. There was an awkward moment when he asked a NASCAR driver why he didn't just hire a chauffeur." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

since it's started spying on gay groups, it's been having some weird feelings (yeah, that's our entire plan)

"President Bush said that when it comes to hurricane preparedness, step number one is, quote, 'pray that there's no hurricanes.' Later President Bush admitted, yeah, that's our entire plan." --Conan O'Brien

"Michigan Governor Jennifer Granholm has agreed to help Joe Biden prepare for the debate by standing in and playing the role of Sarah Palin. That's true. See, up until now, the only Sarah Palin role playing has come at the request of Bill Clinton." --Conan O'Brien

"Republican lobbyist Jack Abramoff has agreed to cooperate with federal prosecutors. He could name up to 20 congressmen. When President Bush heard this, he said 'That's amazing. I can only name three congressmen.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The Pentagon admitted it's been spying on gay groups. The Pentagon also admitted that since it's started spying on gay groups, it's been having some weird feelings." --Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

earlier today, the NBC peacock walked into a KFC and surrendered (so that's nice)

"Conan says he wants to work for a network that's more trustworthy than NBC. How about Al Jazeera?" –David Letterman

"Things are so bad at NBC now that earlier today, the NBC peacock walked into a KFC and surrendered." –David Letterman

"I do, I like that John McCain, he looks like a guy who waits all day for the mail to come. He looks like a guy who's dating your mom. He looks like one of those guys who calls the waitress 'Toots.'" --David Letterman

"I feel like Bush presidencies are like 'Godfather' films. You should stop at two." –David Letterman

"Guess who's running for president? Jeb Bush. Jeb was governor of Florida and he speaks fluent Spanish, which raises the question: What language did his brother speak? What was that? " –David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Then Detroit said, 'Hey, can WE go to war with Russia?' (so that's nice)

March 2014

"President Obama has unveiled his budget for 2015. He's referring to it as a road map for creating jobs. And young people said, 'A what for creating what? Road map? Job? I've never had either of those things.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Obama's new budget actually includes a proposal to phase out pennies and nickels to make the government more efficient – and to make grandparents better tippers." –Jimmy Fallon

"Russia is threatening to invade Ukraine, and the U.S. is stepping in. In fact, just yesterday the U.S. gave a billion dollars to Ukraine to help stabilize the region. Then Detroit said, 'Hey, can WE go to war with Russia?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Just one day after the U.S. gave Ukraine a billion dollars, the E.U. announced it was giving Ukraine $15 billion. It's kind of like when your sister gives your mom a fancy necklace for Christmas right after you give her a pair of socks." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

because obviously the Kennedys would be big Trump fans (but he’s still more lifelike than Mike Pence)

November 2021

“I mentioned last night they had this QAnon event in Dallas. The illiterati gathered by the hundreds because they believed J.F.K. Jr. and J.F.K. Sr. were going to re-emerge and reinstall Donald Trump to power, because obviously the Kennedys would be big Trump fans.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“Of course, J.F.K. Jr. died tragically 22 years ago, so at this point, any announcement from him would be pretty big.” — Stephen Colbert

“Now, some of these folks also believe J.F.K. Jr. will be seeking office soon, based on their T-shirts suggesting J.F.K. Jr. would be the former president’s running mate in 2024. Makes sense: Kennedy died over 20 years ago, but he’s still more lifelike than Mike Pence.” — Stephen Colbert

“Shockingly, J.F.K. Jr. did not show up in Dallas yesterday afternoon, due to his chronic case of ‘not alive.’” — Stephen Colbert

“But the QAnon crowd didn’t lose hope, because rumors began to circulate that J.F.K. Jr. would instead appear at a concert by the Rolling Stones that evening. Guys, come on. You can’t always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, you might find, you just might find you get what you need. Which is medication.” — Stephen Colbert

“So, the concert happened, and J.F.K. Jr. was a no-show. Some QAnon believers walked away with a new theory about his father: that Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards is, in fact, President John F. Kennedy. OK, that is crazy. President Kennedy would be 104 years old, and Keith Richards is clearly way older than that.” — Stephen Colbert

“Who should be more insulted — Keith Richards by people who thought he was a 104-year-old J.F.K., or J.F.K. for them thinking he was a 77-year-old Keith Richards. I don’t know.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“It’s crazy that people actually believed this. I mean, if you’re gonna believe that a band is the dead Kennedys in disguise, wouldn’t you assume that band was the Dead Kennedys?” — Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”