but then everybody freaks out when I drink tequila at 8:00 a.m. (We know he loves making fun of people’s handicaps!)

A job on Trump’s re-election campaign can’t be easy. It’s like being a mall Santa. Remember, it’s only temporary, it’s completely degrading, and you are constantly getting demands from a child. --Stephen Colbert

We know the president has been to the golf course six times, but for some reason, his aides would not confirm that Trump played golf each time he went to the golf course. Sure, he could be on the course for any reason. We know he loves making fun of people’s handicaps! –Stephen Colbert

Everyone says “The early bird gets the worm,” but then everybody freaks out when I drink tequila at 8:00 a.m. --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The guy's been up since 2004 (Everyone is so pretty today)

"PETA is really upset at Chris Christie for killing a spider in front of a group of school children. Governor Christie said, 'If PETA is upset by that, they do not want to know what I had for lunch today.'" –Conan O'Brien

"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie revealed that he underwent a surgery that restricts the amount of food he can consume. As a result, 12 animals have been removed from the endangered species list." –Conan O'Brien

"After rumors surfaced of another video of him smoking crack, Rob Ford said he's taking a leave of absence, and of course he's earned it. The guy's been up since 2004." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

she's been working with a consultant named Jose Cuervo (the winner goes home on this sock)

According to a new poll California voters are not excited about Kamala Harris running for governor. To improve her support among Hispanics she's been working with a consultant named Jose Cuervo. —Greg Gutfeld

The world's the world's first sperm race in which human sperm cells will compete on a microscopic track will take place in Los Angeles. Yeah, the winner goes home on this sock. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

but then everybody freaks out when I drink tequila at 8:00 a.m. (a Valentine’s Day traditionalist)

Everyone says “The early bird gets the worm,” but then everybody freaks out when I drink tequila at 8:00 a.m. --Stephen Colbert

Call me a Valentine’s Day traditionalist, but I just really like shooting arrows at people while wearing a diaper. --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He said he wanted to spend more time giving bad intelligence to his family (tequila of mass destruction)

"Today is Friday the 13th. Down in Washington, a confused George W. Bush lit a menorah." --David Letterman

"President Bush is sending troops to the Mexican border. He's going to have them look for tequila of mass destruction." --David Letterman

"The director of the CIA, Porter Goss, resigned, surprisingly. I guess on Friday he resigned. He said he wanted to spend more time giving bad intelligence to his family." --David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

We give our biggest criminals bonuses (giant stockpile of meat)

Tomorrow is National Tequila Day. While the day after that is National "Janice From HR Wants to See You in Her Office" Day. --Jimmy Fallon

"Mexico's government just offered a $2 million bounty on its top drug lords, which is different from what we do here in America. We give our biggest criminals bonuses." --Jimmy Fallon

Thanks to Donald Trump's trade policies, the U.S. now has a giant stockpile of meat. On the bright side, “giant stockpile of meat” is also a great nickname for Tinder. --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

President Bush is already stockpiling excuses (It flew right over my vacation home in Pyongyang)

 

"Delegates were captivated by Sarah Palin's speech; at one point while she was speaking, the room got so quiet, you could hear Larry Craig's toilet flush." --David Letterman

"June 1st is the start of the hurricane season. President Bush is already stockpiling excuses." --David Letterman

"The North Koreans are always making trouble. They launched a rocket there over the weekend. It was scary when they fired that rocket. It flew right over my vacation home in Pyongyang." –David Letterman

"Speaking of President Bush, right now he's in Cancun, Mexico. He's down there looking for tequila of mass destruction." --David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's almost like Hillary is married to him (all countries you can't see from Alaska)

 

John McCain's vice presidential nominee, Sarah Palin, went to the United Nations today for the first time. Yeah, how about that? Up till now, most of her knowledge about foreign countries came from watching the 'Amazing Race.' She met with the presidents of Afghanistan, Colombia and Iraq. She was excited because these are all countries you can't see from Alaska." --Jay Leno

"According to a new CNN poll just out today, John McCain would win the presidential election if only beer drinkers voted. Now, a Democrat, either Hillary or Barack would win, if only wine drinkers voted. But here's the interesting part, if we all got really drunk on tequila, Ralph Nader might actually have a shot." --Jay Leno

"A lot of political gossip out there. Looks like there's problems in the Democratic ranks. It seems tensions between Hillary Clinton and Senate Democratic Leader Harry Reid are reportedly so high that it's almost like Hillary is married to him." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Trust me. You know how to dance! (a six-hour safety briefing)

After causing a huge controversy, United Airlines now says it will allow any paying passenger to wear leggings. So good news, my dad can fly out for Easter after all. –Conan O’Brien

The other day at LAX, a flight attendant was caught smuggling cocaine. People became suspicious when she gave passengers a six-hour safety briefing. –Conan O’Brien

Portland is planning to offer homeless people a free bus ticket out of town. Of course, the problem in Portland is figuring out who’s homeless and who’s just in a band. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I just really like shooting arrows at people while wearing a diaper (but then everybody freaks out when I drink tequila at 8:00 a.m.)

Everyone says “The early bird gets the worm,” but then everybody freaks out when I drink tequila at 8:00 a.m. --Stephen Colbert

Call me a Valentine’s Day traditionalist, but I just really like shooting arrows at people while wearing a diaper. --Stephen Colbert

A president of the United States said, “You think our country’s so innocent?” Has there ever been a president who hates America more? I mean, besides Jefferson Davis. –Stephen Colbert

Donald Trump has a new phrase for all the possible upcoming investigations into his administration. Trump calls it “Presidential Harassment.” It’s like sexual harassment, only republicans take it seriously. --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He's down there looking for tequila of mass destruction (That's 23 with the wind chill)

"Speaking of President Bush, right now he's in Cancun, Mexico. He's down there looking for tequila of mass destruction." --David Letterman

"Things are not going well with the Bush administration. George Bush's approval rating is now 34 percent. 34. Unbelievable. That's 23 with the wind chill." --David Letterman

"Everybody's excited about March Madness, the big NCAA tournament? Here's how it works: It starts at 65, then 64, then 32, then 16. It's just like Bush's approval rating." --David Letterman

"Earlier today, in parts of the world, there was a total eclipse of the sun. President Bush said that the eclipse of the sun proves the unreliability of solar power." --David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Even your uncle on Facebook was like, "That's a lot of all caps." (to your right you'll see a fire-breathing dragon)

Tomorrow is National Tequila Day. While the day after that is National "Janice From HR Wants to See You in Her Office” Day. --Jimmy Fallon

A JetBlue pilot was arrested this week and charged with heroin possession. Passengers could tell something was up when, during their flight, he announced, "To your left you'll see the Grand Canyon, and to your right you'll see a fire-breathing dragon." —Jimmy Fallon

At midnight last night, Donald Trump sent this tweet. This is real. He wrote: "To Iranian President Rouhani: NEVER, EVER THREATEN THE UNITED STATES AGAIN OR YOU WILL SUFFER CONSEQUENCES THE LIKES OF WHICH FEW THROUGHOUT HISTORY HAVE EVER SUFFERED BEFORE. WE ARE NO LONGER A COUNTRY THAT WILL STAND FOR YOUR DEMENTED WORDS OF VIOLENCE & DEATH. BE CAUTIOUS!” Even your uncle on Facebook was like, "That's a lot of all caps." --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's the first time in the Supreme Court's history that Ruth Bader Ginsburg has not been the hottest chick there (tequila of mass destruction)

"In a recent interview, Hillary Clinton said in her spare time what she likes to do is download iTunes. And, of course, we all know in his spare time, Bill likes to download interns." --David Letterman

 

"The United Arab Emirates says we will get our ports back if we take Michael Jackson back." --David Letterman

"President Bush is sending troops to the Mexican border. He's going to have them look for tequila of mass destruction." --David Letterman

 

"It's the first time in the Supreme Court's history that Ruth Bader Ginsburg has not been the hottest chick there." --David Letterman, on Anna Nicole Smith appearing before the Supreme Court

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

there’s no better time to offer parents alcohol than during the 20th rewatch of Encanto (relax, I only drink when I smoke)

May 2022

“There is a viral clip of a Mexican student asking Pope Francis about his injured knee, to which the pope answered: ‘I need a little bit of tequila for my leg.’ Probably explains why an hour later the popemobile was spotted at a Taco Bell drive-thru. Vatican officials were shocked but the pope was like, ‘relax, I only drink when I smoke.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“And Disney announced a new ad-supported version of Disney+, though it will not show ads for politics or alcohol to keep the platform family friendly. They should reconsider that. I mean, there’s no better time to offer parents alcohol than during the 20th rewatch of Encanto.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Leaders from Sweden joined Finland in announcing plans to submit an application for NATO on Tuesday. One of Russia’s main goals in invading Ukraine was to weaken NATO. Now, instead, the alliance is ‘on the brink of starting its largest potential expansion in nearly two decades.’ How ironic. It’s — it’s like that O. Henry story where the guy buys his wife combs for her hair, and she joins NATO.” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

but then everybody freaks out when I drink tequila at 8:00 a.m (a giant green tramp)

Following a malfunction Monday night, more than a dozen people were trapped on a SeaWorld ride for four hours. Reached for comment the whales said, “Phase One complete. Now we train them to perform for our young.” --Stephen Colbert

Everyone says “The early bird gets the worm,” but then everybody freaks out when I drink tequila at 8:00 a.m. --Stephen Colbert

Betsy DeVos, our secretary of education, has never attended, worked in, or sent her kids to public school. So how did she get the nomination? Well, there’s a tiny chance that money played a role, since DeVos’ family gave around $200 million to Republican causes, including donations to four senators on the committee overseeing her confirmation. Oooh, that reminds me of a math problem! “Betsy has $200 million. She needs 50 votes. How much money can she give to each senator to make sure public schools get less?” –Stephen Colbert

 

"This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty – unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp." –Stephen Colbert

"If you need more proof that the president is no friend of Israel, just do the math. Back in 2007, President Bush supported Israel with $2.3 billion in foreign military aid. This year, President Obama wants to bring that down to just $3.1 billion. I know it looks like it's going up, but remember: in Hebrew you read charts from right to left." –Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They're adorable little missiles with 'Hello Kitty' on them (Whoa, easy on the tequila)

April 2013

"North Korea is ruled by Kim Jong Un. Over the weekend, the premier of China told Kim Jong Un to chill out. Now, when the premier of China tells you to chill out, it's like Mel Gibson saying, 'Whoa, easy on the tequila.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Japan gave warnings too. They said if North Korea tests this new weapon, Japan will have no choice but to set up their own missile defense system. They're adorable little missiles with 'Hello Kitty' on them." –Craig Ferguson

"This is unprecedented. First China, now Japan. I haven't seen people turn against a fat Korean guy this quickly since 'Gangnam Style.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Dealing with the North Koreans is very difficult. They have a history of making irrational decisions to divert the world's attention from the fact their system has totally collapsed. No wait, sorry. I was thinking of NBC." –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

or like Two and a Half Men without a cast member going crazy (Needles sold separately)

December 2012

"As you know, the Mayans said the world will end tomorrow, and like everybody else, they blame Bush." –Jay Leno

"As we get closer to Christmas, these Christmas tree lots try to rip you off because they know you're desperate. They know you need a tree. I was at a lot last night. I went to buy a tree. Needles sold separately. I couldn't believe it." –Jay Leno

"'It's a Wonderful Life' is the one where the angel earns his wings. Because remember, kids, an angel without wings is like Tom Selleck without a moustache, or like 'Two and a Half Men' without a cast member going crazy." –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

General Tso, I love your chicken (tequila of mass destruction)

"The economy is in big trouble, but the Bush

administration is now running it. So finally some

good news." --David Letterman

"President Bush right now is in India. He's in India.

So it's comforting to know that Quick-Draw Cheney

has his finger on the button." --David Letterman

"Bush is committed to one thing, he's going to disarm

Iran, he's going to disarm Korea, and he's going to

disarm Cheney." --David Letterman

President Bush arrived in Beijing earlier today. And

before stepping out of the plane, he tested the air

with a canary. But they got together, the Chinese,

and threw a big state dinner for President Bush in

his honor. They served Peking lame duck. And

President Bush, he doesn’t know what he’s doing

over there. He turned to the president of China,

and he said, 'General Tso, I love your chicken.'"

--David Letterman 

"Speaking of President Bush, right now he's in

Cancun, Mexico. He's down there looking for

tequila of mass destruction." --David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That’s like blaming Mexico for getting your ding-dong stuck in a bottle of Tequila

July 2020

“Trump returned to the coronavirus briefing, in which the president boasted that ‘we are in the process of developing a strategy that is going to be very, very powerful.’ Wait, you finally have a strategy, and your strategy is to develop a strategy? Well now we know why you never wear a mask, because all you care about is covering your ass. You don’t get credit for a thing you should’ve done half a year ago. Newfound serious tone aside, Trump insisted on using the racist nickname China virus for the disease during the briefing. OK, sure, the virus came from China, but the country you govern leads the world in the number of cases and deaths. Calling it the China virus doesn’t make you less responsible for totally blowing the response here. That’s like blaming Mexico for getting your ding-dong stuck in a bottle of Tequila.” —Stephen Colbert

“To give him credit, yesterday’s virus-side chat showed the kind of strong, thoughtful leadership we need …-ed in January.” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”