the first president who sold a line of steaks at Sharper Image (You were warned)

It was a historic night. We're either going to have our first female president, or the first president who sold a line of steaks at Sharper Image. –Jimmy Kimmel

"A new poll shows that disapproval of Congress is at an all-time high. Eighty-two percent of Americans disapprove of the job Congress is doing and the other 18 percent weren't home when the question was asked." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I didn’t know that you could buy formal wear at a Bass Pro Shop (he would never do that to other people)

“I mean, I didn’t wear a suit for the Grammys, I didn’t wear one to court, I didn’t wear one to my father’s funeral, but I look all right, don’t I? I didn’t know that you could buy formal wear at a Bass Pro Shop.” — Jelly Roll

“According to The Washington Post, a lot of doctors are worried about the president’s weight. After his last physical, we found out Trump gained 14 pounds, which means he is now tipping the scales at almost 240. That’s crazy. Think about this, y’all, in the few last years I’ve lost 300 pounds. That means I’ve lost an entire Donald Trump.” — Jelly Roll

“And let’s be honest, based on his approval ratings, it seems like most of the country wants to do the same thing.” — Jelly Roll

“We should take it easy, y’all. We shouldn’t be making fun of the president for his weight, because we know that he would never do that to other people.” — Jelly Roll

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

not being the slightest bit suspicious (Catering Car and Driver magazine)

“According to a new poll, President Trump’s approval rating has fallen to 33 percent, the lowest level of his presidency. But there is some good news for Trump. His numbers are at an all-time high in a new poll from ‘Catering Car and Driver’ magazine.” — Jimmy Fallon

“The poll also found that a large majority of Americans are concerned about an endless war with Iran. This is America — the only things we want to be endless are shrimp at Red Lobster and seasons of ‘Grey’s Anatomy.’” — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the capitalists stopped pretending that it doesn't (baby steps)

“On Tuesday, President Trump posted a map on Truth Social labeling the Strait of Hormuz “NEW U.S. Territory.” The White House said, ‘Look, he stopped posting photos of himself as Jesus, so this is baby steps.’” — Jimmy Fallon

“Well, guys, according to a new poll, President Trump’s approval rating has fallen to 33 percent, the lowest level of his presidency. Yeah, I mean, most people like to drop a few for the summer, but this is pretty bad.” — Jimmy Fallon

“I mean, even diarrhea lettuce is at 34 percent.” — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I think he’s genuinely asking (portraits)

This week saw Trump being asked by a journalist about Iran showing no signs that they are willing to stop fighting and he responded by asking if she knew something he didn’t. I don’t think he’s being sarcastic, I think he’s genuinely asking. —Seth Meyers

There are reports that Trump’s approval ratings in his second term are the worst of any 21st-century president, scoring lower than Barack Obama and George W Bush. Trump is doing worse than Bush during the Iraq war – and remember, Bush had a pair of shoes thrown at him. —Seth Meyers

Trump is unpopular with people with no party affiliation as well as those on the left. According to a Washington Post poll, he is scoring worse with independents than Richard Nixon during Watergate. —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

husbands and boyfriends were already gone (penalty kicks)

President Trump’s approval rating is at just 36 percent, which is even lower than Obama’s ever was. The only time Obama came close to that was when he had that meeting with Trump. –Jimmy Fallon

"Two teams are left in the World Cup. Yesterday Argentina beat the Netherlands on penalty kicks after both teams went scoreless. That's right, the game was decided by penalty kicks. People hadn't seen that many kicks since Beyoncé's sister got into an elevator with Jay-Z." –Jimmy Fallon

"A judge in New Jersey ruled that women can keep their husbands and boyfriends out of the delivery room while they are in labor. When asked if they'd mind leaving the room, husbands and boyfriends were already gone." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

it’s because they just got linked to Jeffrey Epstein (Trump’s approval rating)

Trump’s approval rating is worse than Obama’s lowest, and worse than Bill Clinton’s lowest. After hearing this, Trump promised to hunt down bin Laden and sleep with an intern. –Jimmy Fallon

“Actually, I got a little choked up watching Richard Branson’s flight. It always warms my heart to see billionaires achieve their dreams. I was happy for him, though. Normally when a billionaire flies away faster than the speed of sound, it’s because they just got linked to Jeffrey Epstein.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Try Finding Nemo Now (Is 28% still technically an approval rating?)

"Because of the success of 'Toy Story 3,' Pixar is now rushing ahead with its plans to do a sequel to one of its most popular movies, presented by BP. It's BP presents 'Try Finding Nemo Now.'" –Jay Leno

"President Bush's approval rating has dropped to an all-time low of 28%. Here's my question: Is 28% still technically an approval rating?" --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

I don't have that kind of range (in Minnesota, I’m considered black)

According to a latest poll California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger’s approval rating is down to 30%. After hearing this Arnold said I'm not gonna act all hurt and upset because I don't have that kind of range. --Conan O’Brien 11/10/2005

Minnesota’s Mall of America has hired its first-ever black Santa Claus. Which sounds like a big deal until you realize that in Minnesota, I’m considered black. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Trump approval rating roller coaster, which has the biggest drop in history (Horse, duck, stripy horse)

The Great American State Fair kicked off on the National Mall on Thursday. The fair has everything. There’s a giant Ferris wheel, there’s a carousel. They even have a Trump approval rating roller coaster, which has the biggest drop in history. —Jimmy Fallon

“And this is fun. They also hired Trump’s doctor to guess what you want your weight to be. ‘150? Sure.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“If that’s not all, they even have a petting zoo with some of the animals Trump named during his last cognitive test: ‘[imitating Trump] Horse, duck, stripy horse.’” — Jimmy Fallon

“Congress is also putting together a time capsule to be buried and then opened in 50 years. So far, it includes an iPhone, an Apple wristwatch and Mitch McConnell.” — Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

they are worried people will find out they're terrible (Or as Joe Biden calls it...)

This week, 300 cannabis workers in Illinois went on strike, causing panic among the Dave Matthews Band, who are worried people will find out they're terrible. —Greg Gutfeld 

China has unveiled a self-driving robot toilet that rolls up to your bed, cleans you up, and then wipes itself off. Or as Joe Biden calls it, Jill. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

and it’s not even in the top 10 most embarrassing things to happen to you this week (extreme intelligence is not a medical term)

Things haven’t been going well for the president. Trump’s approval ratings have slipped to an all-time low, a judge ruled that Trump’s name had to be removed from the Kennedy Center and several artists are dropping out of Trump’s “state fair”. Imagine how badly things have to be going that the real Milli Vanilli publicly rejected you, and it’s not even in the top 10 most embarrassing things to happen to you this week. —Seth Meyers

Trump has been bragging about acing 4 straight “IQ” tests.  First of all, it’s a dementia test, not an IQ test. Second, ‘extreme intelligence’ is not a medical term. —Seth Meyers 

“This is the fundamental problem that Trump has faced his entire life. He brags about stuff that you wouldn’t have to brag about if the thing was actually true. You wouldn’t have to constantly insist to people that that you’re a big-brained genius if you actually were a genius. If everyone was walking around with affordable healthcare, cheap groceries and $2 gas, you could just sit back and spend the day picking drapes for your ballroom and applying concealer to your fucked-up Frankenstein hand. The president is using his office to enrich himself and his family, put his face on monuments and money, and set up a slush fund for his criminal supporters, all while waging a disastrous war that has made life harder for working Americans. There are lots of words you could use to describe it: ‘corrupt’, ‘incompetent’, ‘immoral’. But at the end of the day, there’s only one word that works best, and that’s the word ‘dumb’. —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I just want to make sure he knows, he’s two points behind JD Vance (The Blart of the Deal)

A new Economist/YouGov poll showed President Trump at his lowest approval rating ever, of 34 percent. He is now down to 34 percent. He has the same approval rating as Paul Blart: Mall Cop. The Blart of the Deal. —Jimmy Kimmel

Not only is Trump at his lowest point, he’s also two points behind JD Vance. I don’t have a joke for that. I just want to make sure he knows, he’s two points behind JD Vance. —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Never Give Up (that wasn’t the country he was mad at)

President Trump is now depressed given his falling approval rating and the war in Iran, he assembled team circle jerk for an emergency tongue bath. The president pulled members of his cabinet for a meeting in which they told him how great he is, even if you don’t like Bill Clinton, at least when his staff blew him, he didn’t make us watch. —Jimmy Kimmel

One of the attenders was former Fox News host and defense secretary Pete Hegseth, who is a bigger screwup than Eric, after he had to cancel the deployment of troops in Poland when he received an angry phone call from Trump saying that wasn’t “the country he was mad at”. Instead it was Germany. The Poles were angry and confused and joked “what a time to be alive” with Hegseth and Kash Patel, the FBI director, literally making drunk history every day. —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

you can't judge a book by its cover (he might start dating it)

"Kim Kardashian is here tonight because she has a new book out.

It's called 'Selfish.' It is 400 pages of pictures she took of herself.

You know how you can't judge a book by its cover? This one you

can." –Jimmy Kimmel

President Trump’s approval rating has sunk to near-historic lows. According to a new Quinnipiac poll, his approval rating is down to 36 percent. If it gets down to the 20s he might start dating it. –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That number jumps to 100 percent if you only ask the animals (after page 72,000, it gets really good)

"Sarah Palin has a 61 percent unfavorable rating in Alaska. That 

number jumps to 100 percent if you only ask the animals." –Conan 

O'Brien

"It's April 15, tax day. The federal tax code is over 74,000 pages long. 

But stick with it because after page 72,000, it gets really good." 

– Conan O'Brien

 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

After hearing this, Trump promised to hunt down bin Laden and sleep with an intern (gift baskets)

Amazon Prime just unveiled new buttons you can press to order Doritos, Red Bull, and Trojan condoms. Or as that's called in New Jersey, “A gift basket.” –Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump’s approval rating is worse than Obama’s lowest, and worse than Bill Clinton’s lowest. After hearing this, Trump promised to hunt down bin Laden and sleep with an intern. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Is 28% still technically an approval rating? (Top all-time recipients of insurance money)

"Monopoly is getting a big makeover. They want to make the Monopoly game more modern and bring it up to date to reflect our current culture. Like, in the new version of Monopoly, the banker never goes to jail." –Jay Leno

"President Bush's approval rating has dropped to an all-time low of 28%. Here's my question: Is 28% still technically an approval rating?" --Jay Leno (5/9/2007)

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The other 16% weren't aware Congress was doing one (What a waste)

"A new poll says 84% of Americans disapprove of Congress' job. The other 16% weren't aware Congress was doing one." –Jay Leno

"The Shady Lady brothel in Nevada has a 25-year-old man named Marcus, and he's become the first legal male prostitute in American history. Well, the first one not elected to the United States Senate, of course." –Jay Leno

“But he is not quitting. Mitt Romney says he will keep fighting. And you can take that all the way to the Swiss bank.” –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What they're going to do is bring back Bush and Cheney for a week (Cheney's tube socks)

"Future President Sarah Palin made her first appearance on Fox News yesterday—after signing a multi-year deal with the network. She was a guest on 'The O'Reilly Factor.' Sources say they have not seen Bill O'Reilly that aroused since the time he got to see Dick Cheney change his tube socks." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama's approval rating is down to 46 percent. But the White House has an idea for how to get it back up again. What they're going to do is bring back Bush and Cheney for a week." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”