he once mysteriously teleported to a Waffle House 50 miles away (Moist people)

A top FEMA official revealed in an interview that he once mysteriously teleported to a Waffle House 50 miles away… which is a phenomenon better known as drunk driving. —Colin Jost

Tiger Woods was arrested for a DUI after a rollover crash in Florida. Tiger said he was disappointed in himself because he just missed the green. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

In their defense, the movie was called Hurricane Katrina (he's ready for the lead in the Joe Biden story)

Two FEMA employees were fired for watching porn while at work. In their defense, the movie was called Hurricane Katrina, and a lot of things got blown. —Greg Gutfeld 

Actor Michael Caine is coming out of retirement at age 92 and he says with some old age makeup, he's ready for the lead in the Joe Biden story. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

See, his wife is right, he is funny. He can make jokes (They were so hostile to each other, I thought they were married)

"President Bush is now urging all nations to cut off aid to Hamas and Palestine, including the $234 million we were going to send them. In fact, to make sure, Bush is putting FEMA in charge to make sure the money never gets there." --Jay Leno

"During a fundraiser at a country club in Mississippi, Mitt Romney said the GOP is a party focused on helping the poor. See, his wife Ann is right, he is funny. He can make jokes." –Jay Leno

 

"Did you all see 'American Gladiators' the other night? Not the NBC show, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama. They were so hostile to each other, I thought they were married." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

In the NBC/Wall Street Journal poll, among African Americans, President Bush's approval rating is 2 percent (good luck getting anyone to believe that one)

 The big story from Washington today is that President Bush may have lied to investigators about the CIA leak. The theory is that President Bush may have been playing dumb. Well good luck getting anyone to believe that one." --Jay Leno

"President Bush, not looking good. His approval rating is down to 38. 38! That's lower than Dick Cheney's pulse. In fact, his approval rating is so low he's actually eligible for FEMA assistance now. And It gets worse. According to the new NBC/Wall Street Journal poll, among African Americans, President Bush's approval rating is 2 percent. You know who the 2 percent are? Condoleezza Rice and Clarence Thomas." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Not as long as they waited for FEMA, but still, it's been a very long, long time (Mama Bear For Oligarchs)

"You folks excited about the Super Bowl coming up Sunday? And the New Orleans Saints' fans, I'm telling you, they have waited a long, long time for their team to get into the Super Bowl. Not as long as they waited for FEMA, but still, it's been a very long, long time." –David Letterman

"Women serving in the United States military will now be serving in combat. Finally there will be somebody in the tank who will stop and ask for directions." –David Letterman

"The good news is that Hosni Mubarak may step down. The bad news is that he may be replaced by his idiot son Hosni W. Mubarak." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Even worse, some of it was wasted (Jesus, it's hot)

 

"This is a terrible controversy. According to a new report, $1.4 billion of FEMA money for Hurricane Katrina victims was used to buy alcohol, vacations and pornography. Even worse, some of it was wasted." --Conan O'Brien

"The National Academy of Sciences says that due to pollution and global warming, this year the Earth has been the hottest since the time of Jesus which explains why the disciples were always saying, 'Jesus, it's hot.'" --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Who forgot to check if the Vice President s daughter is pregnant? (Even worse, some of it was wasted)

 

"This is a terrible controversy. According to a new report, $1.4 billion of FEMA money for Hurricane Katrina victims was used to buy alcohol, vacations and pornography. Even worse, some of it was wasted." --Conan O'Brien

Barack Obama now is giving interviews where he's opening up about his life. The candidates want to reveal their personal side. In a new interview that just came out, Barack Obama said as a kid, he cried when he saw the movie 'Born Free.' Very nice. Yeah. Yeah, meanwhile, John McCain said, as a kid, he cried because movies weren’t invented yet." --Conan O'Brien

"The Republican Convention is under way. The theme for tonight’s Republican Convention is, 'Who is John McCain?' Tomorrow night s theme is, 'Who forgot to check if the Vice President s daughter is pregnant?'" --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

FEMA said it was a nice change of pace to have a disaster come to them (telling the truth is a revolutionary act)

"North Korea has opened a summer camp where kids from around the world can swim, play volleyball, and learn about the country's culture. It's the first camp in history where kids tell ghost stories to feel safer." –Jimmy Fallon

President Trump started his big vacation today. But before he left, he visited FEMA’s headquarters. FEMA said it was a nice change of pace to have a disaster come to them. –Jimmy Fallon

Over the weekend in Iran, temperatures reached 165 degrees, one of the highest temperatures ever recorded on earth. In fact, it was so hot in Iran, American flags burst into flames on their own. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

it's all part of President Bush's 'No Millionaire Left Behind' program (so the horns don't show)

"President George Bush is in India right now. He's hoping to outsource FEMA." –David Letterman

"The House of Representatives passed the $70 billion capital gains tax cut and it's all part of President Bush's 'No Millionaire Left Behind' program." --David Letterman

"Anybody see the Republican debate last night? Nasty, nasty debate, at one point, Mitt Romney got so upset, so agitated, so worked up, that his hair cracked." --David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's like having Michael Jackson as your nanny (It's not for a lack of trying)

"An Arab country in charge of ports. That’s like FEMA in charge of disaster relief. That's like Wayne Gretzky's wife in charge of your bank account. It's like Michael Jackson as your nanny." --David Letterman

"And then, earlier tonight, John McCain had his big acceptance speech. And, you know, I didn’t watch that because I'll tell you why: if I want to see an old guy, if I want to see an old guy struggle with a teleprompter, you know, hell, I'll watch Regis." --David Letterman

"Happy Groundhog Day, ladies and gentlemen! It's funny. Earlier today, down in Washington, DC, a confused President Bush pardoned a turkey." --David Letterman

"But it's gotten crazy. The only politician in New York City that's not having extramarital sex is Ulysses S. Grant. It's not for a lack of trying." --David Letterman

 

"The White House annual Easter egg hunt is this weekend. The kids, this year, have some extra help because President Bush came out on the lawn and leaked the location of the eggs." --David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Among African Americans, President Bush's approval rating is 2 percent (Political Language Explained)

"President Bush, not looking good. His approval rating is down to 38. 38! That's lower than Dick Cheney's pulse. In fact, his approval rating is so low he's actually eligible for FEMA assistance now. And It gets worse. According to the new NBC/Wall Street Journal poll, among African Americans, President Bush's approval rating is 2 percent. You know who the 2 percent are? Condoleezza Rice and Clarence Thomas." --Jay Leno

"Today President Bush asked if his visit to the hurricane zone would count toward the service time he still owes the National Guard." -Jay Leno

"Bush is keeping track of Hurricane Rita as it hits his home state of Texas. That's Bush's worst nightmare -- an electric chair with no power." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Tom Cruise was lecturing Matt Lauer about jambalaya (Apache blessing)

"Here's the latest deal on the Hurricane Katrina/FEMA situation. FEMA's relief funds, $1.2 billion, were spent on things like a divorce, a sex change. Does this make you angry? Are you angry because you had to pay for your own divorce and your own sex change?" --David Letterman

"Saturday is April Fool's Day and President Bush has a great April Fool's joke planned. He's going to put out that old 'Mission Accomplished' banner." --David Letterman

"The bad news is Iran is capable of making a nuclear bomb. The good news is they have to drop it from a camel." --David Letterman

"It's Mardi Gras in New Orleans. Everybody has Mardi Gras fever. I was watching the 'Today' show earlier today and Tom Cruise was lecturing Matt Lauer about jambalaya." --David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He said he wanted to spend more time giving bad intelligence to his family (that one time when an intern held her breath for nine minutes)

"Bill Clinton is writing another book. The first one was an enormous book and it was his life story. This next one is going to be a fascinating book. In the book, Clinton describes one time when an intern held her breath for nine minutes." --David Letterman

"There was a tribute to the Dance Theater of Harlem down there in Washington at the White House, and after dinner, Bush and his wife got up and danced for the crowd. And I was thinking about this, I believe the last time Bush danced for a black audience was when he tried to explain FEMA's response." --David Letterman

"The director of the CIA, Porter Goss, resigned, surprisingly. I guess on Friday he resigned. He said he wanted to spend more time giving bad intelligence to his family." --David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He got four standing ovations and five phone numbers (Good to see Ann Coulter getting some work)

"Remember they had the big state dinner for the Prime Minister of India and a couple of people who weren't invited showed up? And now it turns out there was a third person who was not invited that showed up at the state dinner. It's a little crazy. I mean, before that, the only person I knew who showed up at the White House without the proper credentials was George Bush." –David Letterman

"An Arab country in charge of ports. That’s like FEMA in charge of disaster relief. That's like Wayne Gretzky's wife in charge of your bank account. It's like Michael Jackson as your nanny." --David Letterman

"Anybody here from New Zealand? They have a big, new attraction. It's a live sex show in New Zealand. They have actual bulls mounting a simulated cow. Good to see Ann Coulter getting some work." --David Letterman

"And then earlier tonight, her husband Bill Clinton spoke at the convention, and what a great speech, what a tremendous speech. He got four standing ovations and five phone numbers." --David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Apparently watching all the people in coach silently trudging past you just doesn’t hit the way it used to (a whole bunch of silvers)

"The important thing for people to know is that I'm gonna be runnin' for president every four years for the rest of my life. It's my Olympics and I intend to win a whole bunch of silvers." –Tina Fey as Sarah Palin

"It's just so great to be back on Fox News, a network that both pays me and shows me the questions ahead of time. I just hope that tonight the lamestream media won't twist my words by repeating them verbatim." –Tina Fey as Sarah Palin

"Pat Philbin, the man who staged a fake FEMA news conference on the California wildfires last week, has lost his promotion because of the event. Which begs the question, 'What does it take to actually get fired from FEMA?'" --Amy Poehler

 

"After securing the Republican presidential nomination on Tuesday, John McCain addressed his supporters, saying, 'Stand up with me, my friends. Stand up and fight for America.' To which supporters responded, [on screen: picture of elderly people in wheelchairs] 'We can't.'"

--Amy Poehler

Some airlines have announced that as part of Coronavirus safety procedures they will now be boarding from the back of the plane so that First Class will be the last to board. Apparently watching all the people in coach silently trudging past you just doesn’t hit the way it used to. —Michael Che

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And now for something completely different (dragons can be beaten)

 

"What will the Republican presidential campaign look like without Karl Rove? Probably the same as it would have with him. Warnings about Mexicans, warnings about Arabs, and warnings about gays. They're trying to come over the border, they're trying to come over the oceans, they're trying to come over your back." --Bill Maher

"I hope it is Barack Obama. Him running against either the mannequin or Grandpa Munster. Hillary Clinton is great. I just think it's time America heard the words, 'And now for something completely different.'" –Bill Maher

"Mardi Gras starts tomorrow in New Orleans. Talk about perfect timing. Those truckloads of ice from FEMA just showed up." --Bill Maher

 

"I guess it's no wonder that a poll out this summer put 'None of the Above' over all of the other Republican candidates. And if 'None of the Above' does get the Republican nomination, you know two things will happen: a) the Democrats will find a way to lose to him, and b) Bush will try to call and congratulate him." --Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He was supposed to testify last week, but he just got there (the source of all global warming in America)

"The Secret Service has withdrawn its protection of Newt Gingrich in advance of him formally announcing the suspension of his campaign. His Secret Service protection was costing us $44,000 a day. I guess they figured it wasn't worth it anymore to protect Newt from all the people trying to ignore him." –Jay Leno

"China is outraged at the United States for honoring the Dalai Lama at the White House. They're pretty mad. I hope they don't try to get back at us, you know, like maybe putting lead in our toys or anti-freeze in our toothpaste." --Jay Leno

"Former FEMA director Michael Brown is testifying before a Senate panel today. He was supposed to testify last week, but he just got there." --Jay Leno

"Here's some great news, today they found the source of all global warming in America -- New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer's pants." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well, you know, in their defense, they're not exactly rocket scientists (the power of the people)

"How 'bout this? Alex Rodriguez is not returning to the New York Yankees. The announcement was made at a fake FEMA press conference. FEMA faked a press conference and earlier today, President Bush strongly condemned it at his own fake press conference."  --David Letterman

"Today is also the third anniversary of the Iraq war. So far so good! Whatever happened to that mission accomplished thing? I think now the only way to get rid of the Iraq war is to put it on NBC." --David Letterman

"NASA lost the original film of the moon landing. Did you hear about this? Well, you know, in their defense, they're not exactly rocket scientists." --David Letterman

"Have you been watching the Roger Clemens congressional hearings? He denies being injected by his trainer. But what I thought was interesting was every time they mentioned 'buttocks,' Sen. Larry Craig swooned." --David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

No, wait a minute. That's Rosie O'Donnell's blog (Keeping those ants in line)

"Ex-head of FEMA Michael Brown will be addressing Congress about the response to Katrina. Yeah, apparently he's almost ready to send help down there." --David Letterman

"President Bush right now is in India. He's in India. So it's comforting to know that Quick-Draw Cheney has his finger on the button." --David Letterman

"How about that Osama bin Laden? He's got another one of those videos. This is really creepy stuff. He is a maniacal extremist, he's full of threats, there's a lot of ranting. No, wait a minute. That's Rosie O'Donnell's blog." --David Letterman

"For the last 16 years the commissioner of the NFL has been Paul Tagliabue. Well, he's retiring. And listen to this, they had offered the job to Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, honest to god, offered it to Condoleezza Rice, and she turned the job down. Now, when Janet Reno heard this, she said 'Yo, over here, let's go!'" --David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hillary made the remarks during a speech none of us could afford to attend (The Party Is Always Right)

"It was reported that Barack Obama's Secret Service name is 'Renegade,' while Hillary Clinton's is 'Evergreen.' That's true. Meanwhile, John McCain's Secret Service name is 'Enlarged Prostate.'" --Conan O'Brien

Hillary Clinton has been attacking Donald Trump over his "country club" lifestyle. Hillary made the remarks during a speech none of us could afford to attend. –Conan O’Brien

 

"President Bush attended a summit in Mexico. And thousands of Mexicans attended a rally to protest his immigration policies. The protest was cut short because the Mexicans had to get back to their jobs in Los Angeles." --Conan O'Brien

According to a new poll that just came out, 50 percent of Republicans say they could support Donald Trump. The other 50 percent are a group calling themselves "Women." –Conan O’Brien

"Republican presidential candidate John McCain is in the news. John McCain says he's trying to find a vice presidential running mate. Not only that, McCain is also trying to find his reading glasses and his car keys. He's an older gentleman. That's the idea there. You'll be hearing more of those in the next nine months, because that's our take. Until he gets a whore." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush is in Mexico this week and while he's there, he's going to visit the ancient Mayan ruins. Apparently, Bush is trying to learn from his mistakes because today he promised that FEMA will help the Mayans rebuild." --Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”