Tiger Woods surrendered his driver’s license for 5 years in a plea deal. So the next time he drives into a flag pole, he may actually be playing golf. —Joe Mackey
Elon Musk claimed in 10 years we'll have 1 billion robots. Hillary Clinton said we won't need nearly that many if we can teach factory robots to strangle. —Joe Mackey
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”
President Trump has also said that he wishes he could switch places with Cristiano Ronaldo, as he believes that his life is much easier than his. He said he would like to switch for about a month or so. “‘Or longer’, yelled Melania.” —Seth Meyers
“Meanwhile, we could have yet another ‘Odyssey’ movie on the way. Now, Elon Musk is planning to create what he calls a ‘historically accurate’ version of ‘The Odyssey’ using his Grok A.I. Of course, this is all because Elon and his musketeers are upset over the diversity casting of ‘The Odyssey.’ And I don’t want to get technical here, but you can’t make a historically accurate version of something that is totally made the [expletive] up. I mean, ‘The Odyssey’ is fiction, you know, like ‘The Hunger Games,’ or the president’s cognitive exams.” — Colman Domingo
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”
RFK Jr. claims teenage boys in the 1970s had twice as much sperm as today’s teens. This after a careful study of socks. —Greg Gutfeld
Tiger Woods appeared earlier today in a Florida courtroom. He wasn't scheduled to appear. He just lost control of his SUV and crashed into the courthouse. —Greg Gutfeld
President Trump is traveling to China with Elon Musk, Tim Cook, and 15 billionaire CEOs. I haven't seen that many billionaires on a plane since I flew to an island with my buddy Jeffrey Epstein. —Greg Gutfeld.
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
In a new interview, Donald Trump's wife, Melania, said that she speaks English, Italian, French, and German. Which is good 'cause if she ever becomes first lady she'll need to apologize for her husband in at least those four languages. –Jimmy Fallon
Ted Cruz's dad said that God sent a message to Ted Cruz's wife giving his permission to run for president. Though I'm not sure that's what God meant when he told Cruz’s wife, “Run!!” –Jimmy Fallon
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
So, the government just released more documents about the death of Jeffrey Epstein, and they inspire about as much trust as a 2001 urine test from Barry Bonds. According to these records, one of the prison guards responsible for watching Epstein actually googled him minutes before his body was found. And that same guard had made a mysterious $5,000 cash deposit days earlier. One of several unexplained deposits flagged by the bank.
Now, maybe it's perfectly normal for the person guarding the most famous inmate in America to be surfing the web for info on him. Maybe she was also googling the thread count for prison sheets. I hear anything under 400 is rough on your hands.
But also simultaneously making random cash deposits that equal about a month's take-home pay. That seems like a red flag. The kind that could easily end up tied around someone's neck.
Even harder to believe, an inmate an inmate said while medics were trying to revive Epstein, he heard a woman say, "If he's dead, we're going to have to cover it up and he's going to have to have an alibi, my officers.” Which sounds like something a villain would say to fill in the plot holes on Murder She Wrote.
But here's the real problem. By the time we get these revelations, what are we to believe? And that's not because we all suddenly became conspiracy theorists. No, is it because the original investigation into Epstein's death was handled like a middle school class project where one kid goes through the motions while the rest eat glue.
Let's recap. Epstein dies in 2019 while awaiting trial on federal sex trafficking charges. The official ruling suicide by hanging, but the circumstances around that are shakier than Mitch McConnell on a Segway.
That's according to the court. The guards fell asleep. The required 30 minute self checks didn't happen. The surveillance cameras mysteriously malfunctioned. And the guards later admitted they falsified records saying they checked on him. All that's missing is sorry teacher, my dog ate the prisoner.
That is not an investigation. That's the plot of Police Academy 10 special ed division. That's the tragedy. When authorities botch the early stages of a case this badly, everything afterward gets dumped into the same bucket. Real evidence, weak evidence, internet rumors, coverups, Bill Clinton's nipple clamps.
It all looks the same because nothing can be reliable. Think about it. Even the most basic questions about Epstein still exist, like where did all his money actually come from? This guy went from high school math teacher to globe trotting financier with private jets, an island, and a black book that looked like Oprah's Christmas card list.
And the explanation we got, well, you know, he managed money for rich people. Oh, well that clears everything up. Turns out he's E F***ing Hutton or EFF Hutton. But that's the thing about half-answered questions. They don't disappear. They fester. They multiply. Like Elon Musk at a beauty pageant. So now when new revelations drop, people don't say, "Holy crap." They either shrug or assume the entire government is run by the Illuminati, Bigfoot, and the Loch Ness monster.
Because when institutions leave giant holes in the story, the internet fills them. If investigators had done their job properly from the start, secured the evidence, explained the timeline, answered the obvious questions, then we could evaluate new info like adults.
Instead, we're stuck in a reality where every new fact gets treated with suspicion. It's like a fan letter addressed to Jesse Waters. We just assume it's fake. You lose public trust, which means that years later, the biggest mystery isn't just what happened in that cell. It's why the people responsible for uncovering the truth didn't try that hard. But then again, maybe that was the whole idea to begin with. —Greg Gutfeld
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
Another batch of the Epstein Files have been released and there are mentions of known Epstein associates such as Trump and Bill Gates. It would seem that some other famous people, including Elon Musk and Howard Lutnick, the commerce secretary, may not have been telling the whole truth about their interactions with Jeffrey Epstein.
It is clear that Prince Andrew is royally fucked, which is a term you hear a lot but rarely when it is literally true. And most of all, it is so bananas that the guy who is in charge of releasing all these files and redacting all this evidence is Donald Trump’s own personal defense attorney, Todd Blanche. And then there’s all this other stuff going on – busting into the election headquarters in Georgia, arresting journalists like Don Lemon.
Suddenly shutting down the Kennedy Center for two years, calling for nationalized elections, Trump suing the government he runs for $10 billion. My head is spinning, but I guess that’s the point. Remember when Trump was threatening to invade Greenland? That was not even two weeks ago! We’re living in dog years now. And it’s only going to get nuttier. Now that the new batch of Epstein files is out, the Distract-o-matic is cranked all the way up. —Jimmy Kimmel
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
The last nine years republicans have been trying to repeal Obamacare, their replacement has been “Heaven seems nice. Don’t you want to meet Jesus?” --Stephen Colbert
This week the commerce department said that the nation’s trade deficit is at a record high in part due to punitive tariffs Trump imposed. This is what you get when you elect a guy whose central philosophy is that big numbers are good. Colbert as Trump, “Look at that huge deficit. Almost as impressive as my giant, beautiful cholesterol.” --Stephen Colbert
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
Disgraced ex Harvard president Larry Summers reportedly spent his honeymoon on Epstein Island, which really upset his wife, who said, "This wasn't what I meant when I said I wanted to have kids." —Greg Gutfeld
Some people were shocked to see Rachel Maddow at the funeral for Dick Cheney. True, it's the first time she's ever shown up for Dick. —Greg Gutfeld
According to a new list, women think it's a good sign if a guy's apartment has expensive candles, nice hand soap, and wine glasses. And if you think that's nice, ladies, wait till you see what his boyfriend has. —Greg Gutfeld
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”
President Joe Biden is 83 years old today. Believe me, no one's more surprised than his medical team. —Greg Gutfeld
A fifth person has been confirmed dead at Disney World. That's five in under a month. They're blaming their newest ride, the Hillary Clinton experience. —Greg Gutfeld
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”
Former Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez has been accused of drunkenly assaulting a delivery driver before the driver stabbed him. The penalties offset, repeat first down. If convicted Sanchez could be sent to prison, or worse back to the Jets. —Colin Jost
It was reported that Elon Musk has become the first person to be worth more than $500 billion. Wow. Shout out to Tylenol. —Colin Jost
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”
"Officials in Iowa are facing criticism over a new law that lets blind people own guns. The law has actually received support from two major groups: the NRA and deer." –Jimmy Fallon
After former President Obama said you'd need a "magic wand" to bring back certain jobs, Trump said, "I guess I have a magic wand." Then Stormy Daniels was like, "Fake news." --Jimmy Fallon
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
At a Walmart in Minnesota, a customer had to tackle a confused deer after it wandered into the store. The deer is fine and was released back into the wild, which makes this the happiest possible ending to a story of a deer walking into one of America’s largest suppliers of hunting rifles. –James Corden
This week SpaceX and Tesla founder Elon Musk personally handed out his latest and greatest new product to the first 1,000 customers who bought them online. And that product is… a flamethrower! This is something we were all crying out for. I mean, this is one way to get your neighbor to stop using a leaf blower at 7 a.m. To get around existing laws, Elon Musk is calling the product Not a Flamethrower. Which is a great idea. I'm excited to use one of these "not a flamethrowers" to "not rob a liquor store." --James Corden
In a new branding initiative announced today, the Fox News channel has said that it’s getting rid of its longtime slogan “Fair and Balanced.” Yeah, they’re getting rid of that. Here is an idea. If Fox News really wants to be accurate, shouldn’t they just really drop the part that says news? But then again, it’s just nice to see Fox get rid of something for reasons other than sexual harassment. –James Corden
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
A new study found being brutally honest with your partner can benefit both of you. Especially if you both want a divorce. —Greg Gutfeld
Elon Musk has apologized to Donald Trump tweeting that he regrets some of his posts and that they went too far. As a token of regret he's offering to impregnate a woman of Trump's choice. Trump is still harboring a grudge because his choice was Rosie O’Donnell. —Greg Gutfeld
A New York man may have earned a world record by playing golf for 36 hours straight. He credits this to hating his wife. —Greg Gutfeld
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
New York City mayoral hopeful Andrew Cuomo is calling for ICE agents to take off their masks. Not surprisingly he's also calling for female ICE agents to take off their tops. —Greg Gutfeld
Elon Musk posted a copy of his urine test to prove that he's not using drugs. "Can I borrow those test results?" asked Hunter Biden. —Greg Gutfeld
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
Elon Musk has apologized to Donald Trump tweeting that he regrets some of his posts and that they went too far. As a token of regret he's offering to impregnate a woman of Trump's choice. Trump is still harboring a grudge because his choice was Rosie O’Donnell. —Greg Gutfeld
Meanwhile last night the LA rioters destroyed a popular sushi restaurant. Wow, first ICE and now rice. —Greg Gutfeld
President Trump said the protesters are no longer allowed to wear masks unless they're a solid four or lower. —Greg Gutfeld
Based on more than 40,000 Yelp reviews In-N-Out Burger has the best French fries in the country. To be fair though all 40,000 reviews came from Chris Christie. —Greg Gutfeld
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
Pride month is still underway which means in New York City all chalk body outlines will feature jazz hands. —Greg Gutfeld
President Trump and Elon Musk are feuding after Elon called the big beautiful bill a mountain of disgusting pork. In Trump's defense there's nothing in the bill about The View. —Greg Gutfeld
Chinese scientists who allegedly smuggled a deadly fungus into America will remain in us custody. Anthony Fauci has already posted their bail. —Greg Gutfeld
Zimbabwe is considering killing dozens of elephants and distributing the meat to its people. Coincidentally the State Department is warning Joy Behar to avoid Zimbabwe. —Greg Gutfeld
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
