he says he was rushing to get in his stock trades under the wire (Huge Systemic Failure)

Paul Pelosi has received at least eight driving citations in the last decade since his recent hit and run, including speeding, going through red lights, DUI, and driving down a one-way street. His excuse, he says he was rushing to get in his stock trades under the wire. Good excuse. —Tom Shillue 

7-Eleven just announced plans to close 645 stores. Meanwhile, eBay and Facebook Marketplace are announcing great deals on dirty microwaves. —Tom Shillue 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Americans will use anything but the metric system (whether you're a billionaire or just a millionaire)

This week, Donald Trump is going to North Carolina, Iowa, and Michigan — all states that voted for him — for his “Thank You” tour. Then, he comes here to California for the “You’re Dead to Me” tour. –Conan O’Brien

In a speech today President Bush said that his economic plan would help Americans from all walks of life. Bush said, “My plan will help you whether you're a billionaire or just a millionaire.” --Conan O’Brien 6/23/2005

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

summer vacation at the Bowman Gray School of Medicine (Four out of five citizens love democracy!)

This week President Clinton played golf with ex-presidents Gerald

Ford and George Bush. Bush hit an old lady in the face with a golf

ball giving her a broken nose and 10 stitches. But don't be

impressed. It took him five strokes to do it. --Norm Macdonald

In North Carolina the Bowman Gray School of Medicine is looking for 20 habitual marijuana smokers who they'll provide with free pot in order to study the effects of the drug. Note to self, spend summer vacation at the Bowman Gray School of Medicine. --Norm Macdonald

Testimony during the final week provided some spellbinding moments. In a brilliant move during closing arguments, OJ Simpson attorney Johnny Cochran put on the knit cap prosecutors say OJ wore the night he committed the murders. Although OJ may have hurt his case when he suddenly blurted out, "Hey hey, easy with that. That's my lucky stabbing hat." --Norm Macdonald

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Remember, if your redwood lasts more than 2,000 years, call your lumberjack! (That’s two more than Hillary campaigned in)

A tow truck driver in Asheville, North Carolina, who supports Donald Trump evidently stranded a disabled woman on the side of the road after he saw a Bernie Sanders bumper sticker on her car. Telling the woman that she was obviously a socialist and that she should call the government for help, he then drove away on a road that I assume he paved himself. –Stephen Colbert

Yesterday 16 states sued the president over his emergency declaration to build a border wall. 16 states. That’s two more than Hillary campaigned in. --Stephen Colbert

The National Parks Service is so desperate for cash that they just announced that, for the first time, they are going to solicit corporate sponsorship. Pretty soon, those sequoias could be brought to you by Viagra. Remember, if your redwood lasts more than 2,000 years, call your lumberjack! –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The World's Most Dangerous Drug (Note to self)

They are developing a pill which can give women orgasms without having sex. Read all about this revolutionary discovery in my new book, The World's Most Dangerous Drug. --Norm Macdonald

In North Carolina the Bowman Gray School of Medicine is looking for 20 habitual marijuana smokers who they'll provide with free pot in order to study the effects of the drug. Note to self, spend summer vacation at the Bowman Gray School of Medicine. --Norm Macdonald

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Hey, my record slurs for itself (It's our job to do the exact opposite)

This week, a truck carrying 40,000 pounds of vodka overturned in North Carolina. The driver is fine. He said he’s shaken, but not stirred. –Jimmy Fallon

"This week, our pal Rob Ford faced off against his four challengers in a debate for Toronto mayor. His opponents were, of course, pretty critical of his performance, but Ford said, 'Hey, my record slurs for itself.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Cicadas are coming back next month. These unusual insects spend almost all of their lives in holes underground and only emerge once every 17 years to mate. Sort of like any couple with a Netflix account. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

the dude is almost 90 and his skin looks amazing (cult members)

A North Carolina woman celebrated her 100th birthday by asking a sheriff’s deputy to arrest her for the first time ever and take her to jail. No need to look it up. She’s white. —Michael Che

It was reported that as part of William Shatner’s divorce settlement from his ex-wife, he will gain custody of the couple’s supply of horse semen. Now, I don’t want to speculate on what he’s doing with all that horse semen, but the dude is almost 90 and his skin looks amazing. —Michael Che

NASA announced it is looking for people of diverse backgrounds to become astronauts for future missions to Mars. Good luck getting black people on a ship to a new world. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

they are on the lookout for a small town girl living in a lonely world (the pilates studio where Hitler was born)

Authorities in North Carolina were recently on high alert after being told of a suspicious package that had been mailed to an office building. But after evacuating the whole building, police realized that the package was just an audio cassette by the band Journey. I’m sorry, it’s 2018. I do think a Journey cassette is pretty suspicious. Police haven’t confirmed who sent the package, but they are on the lookout for a small town girl living in a lonely world. --James Corden

The Austrian government said they won’t leave the lot vacant, which means “the house where Hitler was born” might soon be “the pilates studio where Hitler was born.” –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He repaid the donor by having him for breakfast (he will be forced to stay married to three women)

A New Hampshire man is the latest to get a kidney transplant from a gene-edited pig. He repaid the donor by having him for breakfast. —Greg Gutfeld 

A North Carolina husband married to three women has been arrested on bigamy charges. If found guilty, he will be forced to stay married to three women. —Greg Gutfeld

So, Kamala Harris appeared on The View today. It took her 10 minutes before she realized it was Animal Planet. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the meal AND the toy (he must taste delicious)

A 20-year-old man from Colorado recently survived a shark bite in Hawaii. Less than a year before that, he was attacked by a 300-pound black bear. And a few years before that, he was bitten by a rattlesnake while hiking. Based on these incidents, we do know a lot about this man. For example, he must taste delicious.  --James Corden

A North Carolina meat supplier has recalled 35,000 pounds of ground beef after customers complained that it contained pieces of hard, blue plastic. So now if you get a McDonald's happy meal, your burger is both the meal AND the toy. --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

President Trump immediately made him the ambassador to the Vatican (Let's get this straight)

Pope Leo's brother's been reposting on X calling Nancy Pelosi a quote drunk c-word, end quote. Which isn't fair. She’s not always drunk. After seeing this President Trump immediately made him the ambassador to the Vatican. —Greg Gutfeld

North Carolina Congressman Tim Moore has posted a video of a secret tunnel beneath the Capitol building. So I guess we now know where Maxine Waters breeds the possums for her wigs. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

they are on the lookout for a small town girl living in a lonely world (Just kidding)

Authorities in North Carolina were recently on high alert after being told of a suspicious package that had been mailed to an office building. But after evacuating the whole building, police realized that the package was just an audio cassette by the band Journey. I’m sorry, it’s 2018. I do think a Journey cassette is pretty suspicious. Police haven’t confirmed who sent the package, but they are on the lookout for a small town girl living in a lonely world. --James Corden

Now if you are sad the World Series is over, remember that there are 162 games in a baseball season, so I can only assume baseball starts again on Monday? –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That means if you bet just one dollar... you will lose just one dollar (He said he’s shaken, but not stirred)

Meanwhile, the New York Jets are 1000-to-1 long shots to win the Super Bowl. That means if you bet just one dollar... you will lose just one dollar. –Jimmy Fallon

This week, a truck carrying 40,000 pounds of vodka overturned in North Carolina. The driver is fine. He said he’s shaken, but not stirred. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

We live in the time Einstein warned us about (swooped in after a huge disaster)

Vice President Kamala Harris traveled to North Carolina to survey damage from the hurricane, which is the second time this year she swooped in after a huge disaster. —Colin Jost

It was reported that Diddy once invited Prince Harry and Prince William to one of his parties, but they did not go. Although before Diddy could even finish writing the invite, Prince Andrew was there. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

if he can say all that and still get picked for vice-president, I figure I’ve got a chance at secretary of state at least (any similarity begins and ends with face paint)

Donald Trump has picked the Ohio senator JD Vance as his running mate, despite the fact that Vance once called him a ‘moral disaster’, and said that he could be ‘America’s Hitler’. Damn, if he can say all that and still get picked for vice-president, I figure I’ve got a chance at secretary of state at least. —Seth Meyers

The New Jersey senator Bob Menendez was found guilty on all 16 counts in his federal corruption case, including bribery, extortion and wire fraud. Or, as they call those in New Jersey, waste management. —Seth Meyers

At the Republican convention, the North Carolina lieutenant governor, Mark Robinson, called Trump “the Braveheart of our time”. Personally, I think any similarity begins and ends with face paint. —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They’ve been charged with two counts of "Deserving each other." (nut allergies)

We're here in San Diego for Comic-Con. Comic-Con is the only place where you can meet a Superman whose kryptonite is his nut allergy. –Conan O’Brien

A couple in North Carolina was arrested for attacking each other with pizza rolls. They’ve been charged with two counts of "Deserving each other." –Conan O’Brien

"A new study reveals that one-third of babies in the U.S. have used a smartphone. Yeah, and one-third of babies in China have MADE a smartphone." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's just one more thing that I’m worse at than a 12-year-old girl (there goes the Pope's chance of being on the next season of Celebrity Apprentice)

Pope Francis stated that he did not think that Donald Trump is a true Christian because of Trump's beliefs on immigration. I know you're thinking there goes the Pope's chance of being on the next season of "Celebrity Apprentice." –James Corden

A 12-year-old girl in North Carolina correctly chose the final four in her bracket, it was amazing. Yeah, yeah, but great — just one more thing that I’m worse at than a 12-year-old girl. Basketball, math, arm wrestling, pull-ups, bench press, not crying. –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Back then I was into older women (You’re Dead to Me Tour)

According to a new poll, only 19% of New Jersey residents approve of their governor, Chris Christie. And they’re all restaurant owners. –Conan O’Brien

This week, Donald Trump is going to North Carolina, Iowa, and Michigan — all states that voted for him — for his “Thank You” tour. Then, he comes here to California for the “You’re Dead to Me” tour. –Conan O’Brien

Yesterday, another woman came forward with proof from the 1980s that Roy Moore pursued her when she was 17. Moore said, "What can I say? Back then I was into older women." –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If you want to stop by, look for the house that's been set on fire (just as our forefathers intended)

"For Halloween, a woman in Vermont is handing out kale to trick-or-treaters. If you're in Vermont and you want to stop by, look for the house that's been set on fire." –Conan O'Brien

"Cosmo magazine is encouraging female students in North Carolina to vote by offering a party bus to the voting polls that includes shirtless male models — just as our forefathers intended." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Crazy Eyes said it was an honor to meet Crazy Smile (frosted Cheerios)

Hillary Clinton made a surprise stop at a campaign event in North Carolina this week where the actress who plays Crazy Eyes on “Orange Is the New Black” was volunteering. Crazy Eyes said it was an honor to meet Crazy Smile. –Jimmy Fallon

"New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie has canceled a train tunnel between New York and New Jersey. As a result, New Yorkers will have to get to New Jersey the same as they always have — by accident." –Jimmy Fallon

It was announced that Shaquille O’Neal is now the owner of a Krispy Kreme Doughnuts franchise in downtown Atlanta. They serve all kinds of doughnuts, or as Shaq calls them, “frosted Cheerios.” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”