Just like Lindsay Lohan's probation officer (Almost verbatim)

"The Senate has confirmed Elena Kagan for the Supreme Court. She now has a job for life. Just like Lindsay Lohan's probation officer." –Jay Leno

"And former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice told a group of fourth graders that the Bush Administration never used torture to interrogate terrorist suspects. Condoleezza spoke to the fourth graders using simple, uncomplicated words that they could easily understand. Same way she explained it to President Bush. Almost verbatim." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I just would like to congratulate Lindsay Lohan on her recent promotion (What stage of capitalism is this?)

Scientists just named a newly discovered beetle after Leonardo DiCaprio. Unfortunately, it froze in the ocean after the beetle’s girlfriend wouldn’t share part of a leaf — even though there was CLEARLY room on the leaf for both of them. --Jimmy Fallon

"After bin Laden was killed, the FBI updated its most wanted list. So on behalf of everyone here, I just would like to congratulate Lindsay Lohan on her recent promotion." –Jimmy Fallon

It was almost 90 degrees in New York City today! It was so hot, President Trump’s lawyer spent the day fanning himself with hush money. --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The same way she explained it to President Bush. Almost verbatim. (Just like Lindsay Lohan's probation officer)

"And former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice told a group of fourth graders that the Bush Administration never used torture to interrogate terrorist suspects. Condoleezza spoke to the fourth graders using simple, uncomplicated words that they could easily understand. Same way she explained it to President Bush. Almost verbatim." --Jay Leno

"A JetBlue flight attendant cursed out passengers, grabbed two beers, slid down the chute and took off. The pilots were furious. Those were their last two beers." –Jay Leno

"The Senate has confirmed Elena Kagan for the Supreme Court. She now has a job for life. Just like Lindsay Lohan's probation officer." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Between the Boy Scouts and gay marriage, Republicans really don’t want gays tying the knot (jockeying for the title of biggest disaster)

"British Petroleum stopped the oil leak at 3:25 p.m. Eastern Time. And at 3:26 p.m., Mel Gibson and Lindsay Lohan began jockeying for the title of 'biggest disaster.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Rick Perry said this weekend that he believes Boy Scouts would be “better off if they didn’t have openly gay scoutmasters.” Man, between the Boy Scouts and gay marriage, Republicans really don’t want gays tying the knot. –Seth Meyers

“In other news, Fox News Media plans to launch a 24-hour weather channel later this year. Finally, branching out into something where it’s acceptable to be wrong half the time.” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

If you wonder why he's waiting, it's because it takes him that long to gather a crowd (isn't that called New Jersey?)

"What's the difference between Lindsay Lohan and Rick Perry? It only takes Lindsay four and a half hours to finish a sentence." –Jay Leno

"More problems with the auto industry. General Motors announced a recall of 1.3 million cars because of a steering problem. Apparently, the cars are unable to steer out of the path of oncoming Toyotas." –Jay Leno

"Newt Gingrich is going to announce next week that he is dropping out of the presidential race. If you wonder why he's waiting, it's because it takes him that long to gather a crowd." –Jay Leno

"An oil slick the size of Rhode Island is making its way across the Gulf of Mexico. An oil slick the size of Rhode Island — isn't that called New Jersey?" –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

The new division will be called General Tso's Motors (Sometimes everything you need is right in your own house)

"As part of their restructuring plan, General Motors is selling off an entire division to a Chinese company. The new division will be called General Tso's Motors." --Jimmy Fallon

"A Republican candidate for Congress in Arizona, who is white, recently changed his name to Cesar Chavez to appeal to Latino voters. It backfired when Arizona's governor immediately deported him." –Jimmy Fallon

"Lindsay Lohan began her house arrest. When he heard about it, Arnold Schwarzenegger was like, 'Don't worry, Lindsay. Sometimes everything you need is right in your own house.'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Trump’s lifelong dream is to be the first man to go bankrupt on Mars (she’s spanking him with a magazine with his face on it)

You may know that Trump was supposed to give the State of the Union address on Tuesday, and Nancy Pelosi shut that down in what many are describing as an embarrassing loss for our embarrassing president. So he will not give the State of the Union on Tuesday. Instead, he’ll have the night free to eat cheeseburgers and watch an all new episode of Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club. Pelosi really got the best of him. Usually when Trump bends over for a woman like that, it’s because she’s spanking him with a magazine with his face on it. --Jimmy Kimmel

Hollywood awards season is in full bloom as nominations for Academy Awards came out today. There are a lot of familiar faces among the nominees. Meryl Streep is nominated for the 21st time. Denzel Washington was nominated for his ninth Oscar and I’m not even sure he was in a movie this year. That’s how good he is. --Jimmy Kimmel

Now there’s another tell-all book written by another Trump staffer called “Team of Vipers”. According to the author, right after he took office, Trump told NASA he wanted them to land a man on Mars during his first term in office and offered to give them all the money they could ever need in two or three years to make it happen. Trump’s lifelong dream is to be the first man to go bankrupt on Mars. --Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

See, nobody ever talks about the good things hurricanes do (Just like Lindsay Lohan's probation officer)

"Donald Trump was bumped from speaking at the Republican convention because of Hurricane Isaac. See, nobody ever talks about the good things hurricanes do." –Jay Leno

"The Senate has confirmed Elena Kagan for the Supreme Court. She now has a job for life. Just like Lindsay Lohan's probation officer." –Jay Leno

"A federal judge in California struck down Proposition 8, saying it was unconstitutional. Gay couples can now get married in the state of California. Remember when women used to say the best ones were either gay or married? Now they can be both." -Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You got new war money? (jockeying for the title of 'biggest disaster')

"BP stopped the oil leak at 3:25 p.m. Eastern Time. And at 3:26 p.m., Mel Gibson and Lindsay Lohan began jockeying for the title of 'biggest disaster.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Michael Keaton said in a recent interview that it's very unlikely they'll be doing a Beetlejuice sequel. Then he said, "Unless you ask me two more times." –Jimmy Fallon

"Former President George W. Bush just signed a $7 million book deal, though, reportedly, he thought it was to read one." --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Sometimes everything you need is right in your own house (So that's a NO on healthcare, Huh?)

The Scripps National Spelling Bee was last night on ESPN. I watched it, and ESPN was the only word all night I knew how to spell. –Jimmy Fallon

"Burger King is adding a new kids' meal that's lower in fat, sodium and calories. It's called the 'I Don't Want That.'" --Jimmy Fallon

One of the winners of this year's national spelling bee has an older brother who won the competition in 2014. Or as their dad put it, "I'm just going to throw these baseball mitts away." –Jimmy Fallon

"Lindsay Lohan began her house arrest. When he heard about it, Arnold Schwarzenegger was like, 'Don't worry, Lindsay. Sometimes everything you need is right in your own house.'" –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Please wait patiently for the failure of the system (I didn't even know she was Republican)

"I have become such a fan of these Republican debates. There was another one this week. Mitt Romney and Giuliani went at each other. It was like watching a mannequin fight a Halloween costume." --Bill Maher

"And listen to this, in the video Osama bin Laden appears to be wearing a fake beard. That's why Bush can't find him, he is cunningly disguised himself as Osama Bin Laden." --Bill Maher

"They also had a big debate this week, the Democrats. The news out of it was that they were asked, 'Do you think you could get the troops out of Iraq by the end of your first term in 2013?' All the frontrunners said 'no.' No! By 2013!  Barack Obama called it 'the audacity of nope.'" --Bill Maher

 

"All right, enough about Larry Craig. In heterosexual news, the Government Accountability Office says that things are not improving in Iraq, despite what the administration says. They say Iraq has failed to meet 15 of the 18 benchmarks that they said they had to meet. To give you an idea of how pathetic it's going over there, Lindsay Lohan is doing better in rehab. Of course I'm kidding about that now. No, the rumor about her now is that she was caught having doing drugs and having sex in a toilet with a male patient. I didn't even know she was Republican." --Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I would like to congratulate Lindsay Lohan on her recent promotion (Or as I call it, the best episode of Maury Povich EVER)

"After bin Laden was killed, the FBI updated its most wanted list. So on behalf of everyone here, I just would like to congratulate Lindsay Lohan on her recent promotion." –Jimmy Fallon

"Today Mitt Romney visited a firehouse here in New York City. Of course, he was disappointed when he learned that the firehouse is not where you get to fire people." –Jimmy Fallon

"Osama bin Laden was killed by Navy Seals yesterday. They did DNA testing to make sure it was Bin Laden. Or as I call it, the best episode of Maury Povich EVER." –Jimmy Fallon

It looks like Derek Jeter and Jeb Bush will be buying the Miami Marlins. That’s right, one guy who could’ve been president — and Jeb Bush. –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The fear of losing the scraps they throw at you (I think we owe Michael an apology)

 

"A new National Geographic study says that less than four out of ten students can find Iraq on a map. See, President Bush has the opposite problem -- he can't find his way out of Iraq." –Jay Leno

"See all those people on the news walking around wearing those surgical masks, huh? For the swine flu. Suddenly Michael Jackson is not so crazy, huh? Yeah! I think we owe Michael an apology." --Jay Leno

"Four bucks a gallon they say by summer. I hear a lot of people say they'll stop driving. Unfortunately, it's not Lindsay Lohan or Britney." --Jay Leno

 

"Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger is in a little trouble this week, little trouble for saying marijuana is not a drug, it is a leaf, it is a plant. He said marijuana is not a drug and today his approval rating in California, 99.99%." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

A pill they cannot swallow (class size reductions)

October 2013

"This week the Tea Party shut the government down because Obamacare is still a pill they cannot swallow. They cannot face that we are heading towards European-style health coverage, but they have no problem that we have an Italian style government." –Bill Maher

"Obamacare is real. As of Tuesday people went on the exchanges. Unfortunately they didn't work. This thing crashes so frequently they are starting to call it Lindsay Lohancare." –Bill Maher

"One woman was having so much trouble logging on that finally the NSA guy who was spying on her broke in and said, 'Hit Ctrl Alt Delete!'" –Bill Maher

"Shutdown, I've got it all wrong. As Fox News calls it, it's just a 'government slim down.' And they're also calling school shootings 'class size reductions.'" –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That must have been some trip to Rio (Your house is NOT on fire)

July 2013

"Anthony Weiner's campaign manager quit. He says he's applying for a much less stressful job that has a better chance of success. He is trying to get Paula Deen elected president of BET." –Craig Ferguson

"Pope Francis today said he will not judge priests who are gay. In response, gay priests said they will not judge Pope Francis for wearing that robe with those shoes." –Conan O'Brien

"Pope Francis went to Rio in South America and announced that he would not judge anyone who is gay. That's what Pope Francis said. That must have been some trip to Rio." –David Letterman 

"The French Riviera, over the weekend, had a $53 million jewel heist, and the police went into action. They've rounded up Sean Connery, Michael Caine, Lindsay Lohan, and the mastermind of the jewel heist — Carlos Danger, gaucho of love." –David Letterman

"Republicans have accused Carlos Danger of being in the United States illegally." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

A capitalist's version of a moral dilemma (same-sex mistresses)

April 2013

"According to new poll information, Americans now think very strongly positive about George W. Bush. By God, maybe there's hope for me!" –David Letterman

"Former Congressman Anthony Weiner is back on Twitter. It's like giving Lindsay Lohan the keys to the mini bar." –David Letterman

"Today France legalized same-sex marriage. The next step is legalizing same-sex mistresses." –Craig Ferguson

"I mean, at the end of this man's presidency, even as my fellow conservatives were abandoning George Bush like rats on a sinking ship on a crash course with Cat Island, I remained faithful, and I'm sure he knows that from the warrantless wiretaps he authorized." –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'm not ashamed to dress like a woman (volcanos, asteroid strikes, apocalypse)

December 2012

"It's been a tough decade for Lindsay Lohan. She's either in prison or she's in rehab. She's been in rehab so many times that the rehab cafeteria has a sandwich named after her." –David Letterman

"Now Lindsay Lohan is apparently broke. To raise money — say your son's having a bar mitzvah — Lindsay will appear at your son's bar mitzvah. She's also available for Mayan end-of-the-world parties." –David Letterman

"And now The Mayan Channel forecast. Thursday: cloudy, chance of showers, high 39. Friday: volcanos, asteroid strikes, apocalypse." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The water was so cold that when he came out, he was talking coherently (That says danger. People understand that)

November 2012

"Are you sick and tired of hearing the term 'fiscal cliff'? people don’t understand it. It doesn’t tell you how serious the situation is. They need more colorful metaphors. Here’s how to explain it: 'It's 4 a.m. for our economy and Lindsay Lohan is behind the wheel.' That says danger. People understand that." –Jay Leno

"'Fiscal cliff' is a big fancy phrase right now. If you want people to understand though, use language they get: 'We're headed for Broke-Ass Mountain.' That’s what it is." –Jay Leno

"Over Thanksgiving Joe Biden was in a cold-turkey ocean plunge fundraiser. The water was so cold that when he came out, he was talking coherently." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They describe the man as a staunch Republican who has never heard of bumper stickers (you should evacuate the area)

October 2012

"Lindsay Lohan sent out a tweet urging people not to panic over Hurricane Sandy. She said the correct time to panic is if anyone sees her in a rental car. Then you should evacuate the area." –Conan O'Brien

"The hurricane has interrupted the presidential campaign. Both presidential candidates are taking measures to prepare for Hurricane Sandy. President Obama is staying in Washington to coordinate relief efforts. And Mitt Romney is moving his smaller homes into his larger home." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama now has a 52-point lead with Hispanics. However, Mitt Romney has a 90-point lead with the people who hire Hispanics." –Conan O'Brien

"A man in Indiana got a tattoo of Mitt Romney's campaign logo on his face. They describe the man as a staunch Republican who has never heard of bumper stickers." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

they have a chance now to get the shoplifter vote (the University of Shove It Up Your A**)

October 2012

"Do you know who is endorsing Mitt Romney? Lindsay Lohan. It may seem silly to you but not to the Romney campaign. They're very excited. They said they have a chance now to get the shoplifter vote." –David Letterman 

"Earlier today, vice-presidential hopeful Paul Ryan gave a major policy address on poverty. We're still not sure whether he's for it or against it, but he was talking about poverty." –David Letterman

"Donald Trump said he'd give $5 million to charity if President Obama released his college transcripts. Obama responded by sending Trump a full transcript from his alma mater, the University of Shove It Up Your Ass." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”