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Showing posts with label Titanic. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Titanic. Show all posts

Friday, July 3, 2026

The major failure of Mike Pence’s time-tested political strategy (An attitude we in the Biz call “The Melania.”)


Earlier this week Donald Trump hosted a 2020 strategy meeting with his advisers. Among the topics discussed was whether Mike Pence should remain on the ticket. If he gets dropped, that will be a major failure of Mike Pence’s time-tested political strategy: Be so boring people forget you exist. --Stephen Colbert


Word is, Trump’s pick for Attorney General, William Barr, having already been Attorney General, doesn’t feel a particular ambition for the job. But he’ll take it. An attitude we in the Biz call “The Melania.” --Stephen Colbert


https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”





 

Sunday, May 3, 2026

a bold move that could change nothing (the beetle’s girlfriend)


Scientists just named a newly discovered beetle after Leonardo DiCaprio. Unfortunately, it froze in the ocean after the beetle’s girlfriend wouldn’t share part of a leaf — even though there was CLEARLY room on the leaf for both of them. --Jimmy Fallon


"Jamaica is reportedly close to passing a measure that would legalize marijuana. Yeah, in Jamaica. Political analysts are calling it a bold move that could change nothing." –Jimmy Fallon


https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”


 

Friday, March 20, 2026

women and children first (bombing people from long range)

A statue has appeared on the National Mall that depicts President Trump and Jeffrey Epstein in the famous pose from "Titanic"...because, as they said on the "Titanic," women and children first. —Colin Jost


Industry experts are saying that the Best Actor at tomorrow night's Oscars will go to either Michael B. Jordan, an actor who embodied two separate roles exploring themes of race and ancestral trauma... or ping-pong guy. —Colin Jost


https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”


 

Monday, July 14, 2025

Four out of five citizens love democracy! (go down with a sinking ship)


For his running mate, Donald Trump says he’s looking for someone with experience in areas he doesn’t have. So right now Trump is looking for someone who can run a profitable casino. –Conan O’Brien


It was reported today that Donald Trump Jr.’s wife once dated Leonardo DiCaprio. In other words, she’s used to being with guys who go down with a sinking ship. –Conan O’Brien


https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”



 

Wednesday, May 21, 2025

Wow, that is the worst thing ever to happen to Titanic (no force on earth can stop it)


This weekend, Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne said that they're getting a divorce. Ozzy announced the separation by biting the head off their lawyer. It's sad news. They were married for 33 years, six of which Ozzy remembers. –Stephen Colbert


Avengers: Endgame just beat the $2.12 Billion box office record set by Titanic. Wow, that is the worst thing ever to happen to Titanic. --Stephen Colbert


In Norway, a whale watcher dropped their cell phone in the ocean. Then a Beluga whale retrieved it for them. That’s amazing. Now all we need to keep our cell phones safe is a Beluga whale in every toilet. --Stephen Colbert


https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”



 

Saturday, October 26, 2024

Hey! This is America! We measure things in Delawares (Wow, that is the worst thing ever to happen to Titanic)


Avengers: Endgame just beat the $2.12 Billion box office record set by Titanic. Wow, that is the worst thing ever to happen to Titanic. --Stephen Colbert


Texas is still dealing with the aftermath of Hurricane Harvey. And they will be for years. Meanwhile, another hurricane, Irma, is bearing down on Florida. It's the largest Atlantic hurricane ever reported. Experts say it's the size of France. Hey! This is America! We measure things in Delawares. –Stephen Colbert


https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”



 

Monday, March 25, 2024

When one door closes another door opens (And we know Trump is lying because we can hear him)


Democratic presidential candidate John Hickenlooper revealed in a town hall last night that he once brought his mother with him to a screening of the movie "Deep Throat" due to confusion over movie ratings, saying, "I didn't know what was an X-movie was. We thought it was a little naughty, but we didn't think it was that bad." Wait a minute! You stayed?! I saw the topless scene in "Titanic" with my mom, and we haven't spoken since! She's never met her grandkids! --Seth Meyers


According to reports, adult film star Stormy Daniels took a polygraph test in 2011 about her relationship with President Trump, and the examiner found there was a more than 99 percent probability she told the truth about their affair. And we know Trump is lying because we can hear him. --Seth Meyers


https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”



 

Monday, November 13, 2023

Uh-oh, said a bunch of high school teachers (Political Language Explained)


Scientists in New Guinea have rediscovered a long lost mammal called a monotreme which has the quills of a hedgehog, the snout of an anteater, the feet of a moll, and the ass of an angel. —Michael Che

A First Class dining menu from the Titanic is being auctioned off for over $80,000. The menu includes duck in a port wine sauce, spring lamb, and bottomless water. —Michael Che

A new survey shows that 92% of adults prefer to date someone who’s been to therapy while 8% prefer good sex. —Michael Che

On Monday, Donald Trump testified under oath in his civil fraud trial. But he was never technically sworn in because the bibles kept bursting into flames. —Michael Che

A new App has been introduced called RAP that claims it can show Instagram users who is looking at their pictures. ‘Uh-oh,’ said a bunch of high school teachers. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”


 

Friday, July 14, 2023

Unfortunately those are three things you don’t want to be when you go to prison (open, transparent, and innocent)


President Trump tweeted that his son Donald Jr. is "open, transparent, and innocent." Unfortunately those are three things you don’t want to be when you go to prison. –Conan O’Brien


Today President Trump tweeted that his son Donald Jr. is "open, transparent, and innocent." Which is why President Trump is now demanding a paternity test. –Conan O’Brien


It was reported today that Donald Trump Jr.’s wife once dated Leonardo DiCaprio. In other words, she’s used to being with guys who go down with a sinking ship. –Conan O’Brien


https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 



 

Wednesday, May 24, 2023

At least he knows where to find a good deal on hotels (there was CLEARLY room on the leaf for both of them)



The CEO of Priceline just resigned after it was revealed that he had an affair with an employee. As you can imagine, his wife is pretty mad, but on the bright side, at least he knows where to find a good deal on hotels. –Jimmy Fallon


"Levi Johnston and his girlfriend revealed that they will name their child Breeze Beretta. I can't tell if it's a boy or a girl or a Jamba Juice." –Jimmy Fallon


Scientists just named a newly discovered beetle after Leonardo DiCaprio. Unfortunately, it froze in the ocean after the beetle’s girlfriend wouldn’t share part of a leaf — even though there was CLEARLY room on the leaf for both of them. --Jimmy Fallon


https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”



 

Wednesday, May 17, 2023

Wow, that is the worst thing ever to happen to Titanic (maybe walk around the neighborhood till you calm down)


Avengers: Endgame just beat the $2.12 Billion box office record set by Titanic. Wow, that is the worst thing ever to happen to Titanic. --Stephen Colbert


The information is so sensitive, the article can’t describe in detail what was shared, but one official said, “This is code-word information.” ”Code word” means the vital aspects of the story have to be replaced with other words. You have to say things like, “The package has been delivered.” “The squirrel is in the basket.” ”The idiot is in the Oval.” –Stephen Colbert


This week Denver became the first city to decriminalize hallucinogenic mushrooms. This is going to change their whole approach to tourism. “Denver: Come stare at the wood grain on the door, then maybe walk around the neighborhood till you calm down.” --Stephen Colbert


https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”



 

Friday, March 31, 2023

Yeah, that's what we'll use it for (I saw who paid the price)


A company in Japan has created a wearable milk tank shaped like a female breast in an effort to make it possible for men to breastfeed their children. Said men, "Yeah, that's what we'll use it for." --Seth Meyers


That's right. 89 years ago today, Colonel Sanders founded fast-food chain KFC. And boy, was Trump pissed when he found out he still had to come to work today. Meyers as Trump, "It's a holiday!" --Seth Meyers


Democratic presidential candidate John Hickenlooper revealed in a town hall last night that he once brought his mother with him to a screening of the movie "Deep Throat" due to confusion over movie ratings, saying, "I didn't know what an X-movie was. We thought it was a little naughty, but we didn't think it was that bad." Wait a minute! You stayed?! I saw the topless scene in "Titanic" with my mom, and we haven't spoken since! She's never met her grandkids! --Seth Meyers


https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”





 

Wednesday, February 15, 2023

I'll never forget the day my dad started building our fourth beach house (septic tank issues)


An exact replica of the Titanic is scheduled to set sail in 2018. The good news is by 2018, there will be no icebergs left to sink it. –Conan O’Brien


Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent. So finally, a reason for people to dislike Kanye West. –Conan O’Brien


“Mitt Romney is trying hard to connect with voters. He seems like he's too affluent. Romney was talking about his father's humble beginnings as a carpenter. He said, ‘I'll never forget the day my dad started building our fourth beach house.’” –Conan O’Brien


A new report suggests that soon, gasoline will be cheaper than water. And in Flint, Michigan, it will be healthier than water. –Conan O’Brien


https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”



 

Sunday, November 13, 2022

I know I’m not always the sharpest tool in the refrigerator (Extremely successful despite a 42% rating)


November 2022

The Democrats have retained control of the Senate. I was actually surprised they won given President Biden’s low approval ratings. I guess Biden’s kind of like the Jurassic World movies. Extremely successful despite a 42% rating. —Colin Jost

Republicans are not taking it well. Tucker Carlson, seen here struggling to make it through No Nut November, he criticized the voting process and called electronic voting machines a threat to democracy. I’m actually not that worried about the voting machines. I’m worried they are being operated by the oldest people I have ever seen. Truly this year, the woman who gave me my ballot was wearing two stickers. One that said I Voted, and another that said I Survived the Titanic. —Colin Jost

In a speech yesterday, Herschel Walker called America the greatest country in the United States. But on the plus side, at least he has a general idea of where he is. Walker then apologized for misspeaking saying, I know I’m not always the sharpest tool in the refrigerator. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”


 

Saturday, July 23, 2022

she’s used to being with guys who go down with a sinking ship (Find the others)


"I don't know if you're following this, but earlier today, in Vatican City, President Obama had a historic meeting with Pope Benedict XVI. Or, as Fox News is reporting it, 'Obama Caught With Old Man in Dress.'" --Conan O'Brien


"But General Motors announced that they are out of bankruptcy after selling nearly 10,000 Camaros. At a press conference, the head of GM said, 'Thank goodness for coke dealers.'" --Conan O'Brien


"Latest rumor in the entertainment industry is that Sarah Palin may be getting her own TV show. Experts say it will be perfect for TV viewers who find Paula Abdul too coherent." --Conan O'Brien


It was reported today that Donald Trump Jr.’s wife once dated Leonardo DiCaprio. In other words, she’s used to being with guys who go down with a sinking ship. –Conan O’Brien


http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”



 

Saturday, May 14, 2022

Wow, that is the worst thing ever to happen to Titanic (This is going to change their whole approach to tourism)


This week Denver became the first city to decriminalize hallucinogenic mushrooms. This is going to change their whole approach to tourism. “Denver: Come stare at the wood grain on the door, then maybe walk around the neighborhood till you calm down.” --Stephen Colbert


Avengers: Endgame just beat the $2.12 Billion box office record set by Titanic. Wow, that is the worst thing ever to happen to Titanic. --Stephen Colbert

Of course, when it comes to Donald Trump, there are so many other things that are not happening. For instance, he hasn't picked a running mate, but rumors say he's considering Newt Gingrich. Yes, between them, they've had six wives. –Stephen Colbert


http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”



 

Thursday, May 5, 2022

Nobody on the Titanic was complaining about icebergs when they left the harbor (Become the squirrel)


May 2022

“Right-wing politicians and television networks responded to the news of the leak of a draft Supreme Court ruling overturning Roe v. Wade this week by focusing not on the content of the leak, but on revealing the identity of the leaker. How will they ever recover from this breach of their personal privacy? Maybe Samuel Alito can start wearing a shirt that says, ‘My judicial body, my choice.’” —Seth Meyers

“And how do you know it’s a liberal? It could have just as easily been a conservative — [coughs] Ginni Thomas [coughs] — who leaked the opinion to freeze the majority in place and stop the chief justice, John Roberts, from trying to convince one of the other court’s conservatives to soften their stance. I have no idea, but the fact that they’re all freaking out about the leak instead of celebrating the victory is telling. It underscores yet again that even at the height of their powers, these people always have to play the victim. If they won a free car on ‘Wheel of Fortune,’ they’d immediately start whining: ‘But I already have two cars in my garage — I don’t have space for a brand-new Stingray. This is so unfair!’” —Seth Meyers

“Yes, a left-wing Antifa law clerk trying to sabotage the court, or a right-wing MAGA head trying to lock the decision in place. Or maybe it was the butler. It’s always the butler.” —Trevor Noah


“Many people are horrified, not that women and half the country would lose their rights over their own bodies, but rather that this information got leaked. Which is weird. It’s like running around the deck of the Titanic trying to find out who yelled ‘We’re sinking!’ instead of focusing on the iceberg.” —Trevor Noah

“But while everyone on regular cable channels was playing the least horny version of Knives Out, Newsmax had already cracked the case by blaming, with zero evidence, recently appointed justice Ketanji Brown Jackson. Look at you, using the tried and true investigative technique of ‘The black person did it!’” —Trevor Noah

“As usual, Fox News was committed to not reporting the news, and instead reporting spin that the leaked draft was somehow a win for Democrats. To quote former Trump adviser and Fox News pundit Kellyanne Conway: ‘It’s very curious to me that the Democrats weren’t talking about it until today.’ Typically people wait until something happens to talk about it. Nobody on the Titanic was complaining about icebergs when they left the harbor.” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”


 

Wednesday, January 12, 2022

I hear it’s dating Pete Davidson (The beginning is near)


January 2022

“Several news outlets have discouraged people from trying to purposely get infected with Omicron to ‘get it over with.’ I wonder if I should deliberately try to catch Covid. I mean, all the other late-night hosts are doing it. James Corden, Jimmy Fallon and Seth Meyers, have all contracted Covid over the last two weeks. I’m starting to think they had a secret sleepover, and I wasn’t invited.” —Stephen Colbert

“Yes, getting Omicron is super-popular. I hear it’s dating Pete Davidson.” —Stephen Colbert

“And now, I don’t know what’s going on because the United States reported 1.5 million new infections yesterday. That is terrible, but kind of sweet that we all gave each other the same thing for Christmas.” —Stephen Colbert


“Soon, there’s going to be almost as many people in hospitals as there are TV shows about hospitals.” —Stephen Colbert

“The US also saw a record-breaking 145,000 Covid hospitalizations, with experts predicting a peak in the 300,000 range, though the CDC has offered a clarification on that statistic. Its director, Rochelle Walensky, estimated that 40% of the patients hospitalized with Covid are not presenting because of Covid symptoms, but coming in for something else and then having the virus detected. OK sure, but even if people aren’t coming in for Covid initially, the hospitals are still overflowing. That’s like saying ‘uh, technically, up to 40% of the people who drowned on the Titanic were already wet because they were in the bathtub when the ship went down, so not so bad.’” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html

#1001Ways #RandomThoughts #poetry  


 

Monday, October 11, 2021

Unfortunately hundreds of those pieces are just frozen Irishmen (the latest issue of Not Helping magazine)


October 2021

Lego has announced the release of its largest set ever, a 9,000 piece replica of the Titanic. Unfortunately hundreds of those pieces are just frozen Irishmen. —Colin Jost

Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell seen here watching a child fall into the gorilla enclosure, has agreed to a deal that temporarily raised the debt ceiling through early December. And at that point it will be almost Christmas and McConnell will be busy going around to Toys for Tots bins and gluing them shut. —Colin Jost

Yesterday President Biden issued a historic proclamation for Indigenous People’s Day. Biden made the announcement just moments after his staff talked him out of wearing the headdress. —Colin Jost

Indigenous People’s Day, by the way, will be observed simultaneously with Columbus Day. And this just in, Columbus Day has forced Indigenous People’s Day to move to a worse day. —Colin Jost

Bill Cosby said that he thinks R. Kelly got railroaded following the singers sex trafficking conviction. Cosby made the comments in the latest issue of Not Helping magazine. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”


 

Thursday, April 22, 2021

Good job, now let’s focus on the water pooling around our ankles (Otherwise, sucks to be you!)


April 2021

“Now, the problem of police violence against people of color is still far from solved. While this is a welcome verdict, it’s like wiping up a spill on the Titanic: Good job, now let’s focus on the water pooling around our ankles.” — Stephen Colbert


“Yeah, it should not take nine minutes of damning video to get some accountability. There’s a reason the Pledge of Allegiance doesn’t say, ‘With liberty and justice for all who are being filmed on an iPhone. Otherwise, sucks to be you!’” — Stephen Colbert


“We can see the injustice with our own eyes, but there’s a whole industry of people, from police unions, to private prisons, to cable pundits, whose very lucrative job is to try to convince us that what we can see and hear with our own eyes and ears is not real. In fact, it’s worth going back and reading the initial police description of Floyd’s murder before the video came out to see just how deeply detached from reality it was. Here’s the official headline: ‘Man dies after medical incident during police interaction.’ It’s shocking. It’s hard to fathom. It’s like writing a book report about ‘Lord of the Flies’ called, ‘Kids successfully cooperate during tropical vacation, remain lifelong friends.’” —Seth Meyers


https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”