Here are the results. I threw up twice (he’s holding out for half the wardrobe)

Kristi Noem and her cross-dressing husband are getting divorced. Kristi Noem’s ex is not asking for alimony but he’s holding out for half the wardrobe. —Tyrus

65 year old Kathy Griffin clarified that her Instagram post teasing of a romance with a twenty-two year old man was a sociological experiment. Here are the results. I threw up twice. —Tyrus

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

we must consider the possibility that I do weigh 239 pounds (I'm worried I will never be sober again)

Audience, I’m worried that once they make self-driving cars, I will

never be sober again. --Stephen Colbert

Today the president also pardoned Saudi Arabia. The CIA is

preparing a report that is expected to tie the brutal murder of

journalist Jamal Khashoggi to crown prince Mohammed bin

Salman, but the president got out in front of the CIA today and

released a statement on Khashoggi’s killing.

It starts out with a calm reassuring message: “The world is a very

dangerous place!” It is now! Apparently you can kill a Washington

Post journalist and the president don’t give a damn, because Trump’s

official presidential decision on who is a resolute, “I dunno.”

Trump wrote, “Our intelligence agencies continue to assess all

information, but it could very well be that the crown prince had

knowledge of this tragic event. Maybe he did, and maybe he didn’t!”

Did Donald Trump just knowingly provide cover for a murderous

autocrat? Maybe he did and maybe he didn’t. Someone wrote that

down. Someone actually typed that -- “Maybe he did. Maybe he

didn’t.”

That statement informs us in no way. A Magic Eight Ball would have

taken a firmer stance. Colbert as Trump, “Look things are not

knowable. We live in a quantum state of flux, where time and matter

coexist in interdimensional plasma in which all possible pasts and

futures simultaneously manifest on the space-time continuum. And

in that infinite multi-verse of non-congruent para-data, we must

consider the possibility that I do weigh 239 pounds.”

--Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Things I Have in Common with Conan O'Brien (I'll be there in five teachers)

Donald Trump is holding his first-ever campaign fundraiser but says he’s only doing it because the Republican Party asked him to. Yeah. Trump thought he should do this for the Republican Party, since he turned down their first request: Don’t be our candidate. –Conan O’Brien

"Bristol Palin's new book says she lost her virginity on a night when she had too many wine coolers. It's in the chapter “Things I Have in Common with Conan O'Brien.'" –Conan O'Brien

"A new website just came out that’s designed to calculate how long it takes Mitt Romney to earn your salary. So from now on, whenever Mitt Romney is running late, he can call there and say, 'I'll be there in five teachers.'" –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Danny DeVito says, "Workers of the world unite!" (Note to self, time to remodel the bedroom)

Sad news out of New York City after a carriage horse died near Central Park. Cause of death, trying to pull Chris Christie. —Greg Gutfeld 

A teacher was arrested for allegedly having sex with a 15-year-old boy after he had accurately drew her bedroom. Note to self, time to remodel the bedroom. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

that's just the sound of an angel getting its wings (Dad's belt)

This week was Teacher Appreciation Week, so thank you to the greatest teacher of all time... Dad's belt. —Colin Jost 

A group of middle-school students in Mississippi kept their bus from crashing after the driver passed out behind the wheel. The town says the kids are heroes who acted quickly, while the bus driver says, "The kids robbed me of the death I have long begged for.” —Colin Jost 

Police in New Jersey are investigating a construction site after a porta-potty mysteriously exploded, though in New Jersey, that's just the sound of an angel getting its wings. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Unfortunately, the record was for largest coffin (You know what’s a cool nickname?)

A video was released this weekend of a man setting a new world record by eating 200 Peeps in 14 minutes. Unfortunately, the record was for “largest coffin.” –Seth Meyers

President Trump this morning on Twitter nicknamed former President Obama for the first time, and called him “Cheatin’ Obama.” Cheatin’ Obama? That’s a pretty lame nickname. You know what’s a cool nickname? Stormy. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

While in New York, we have no idea why our train tracks are on fire (the school band sounded good)

Due to frigid temperatures, railroad tracks in Chicago were set on

fire today in order to keep trains running smoothly. While in New

York, we have no idea why our train tracks are on fire.

--Seth Meyers

A Cleveland mom was arrested this week after a child brought marijuana infused gummy candies to school and shared them with at least 12 other students. Teachers became suspicious when the school band sounded good. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the Secret Service code name for Joe Biden (I'm on my way, said Bill Clinton)

On Monday night, a player nicknamed the Big Dumper won the Home Run Derby. Coincidentally, Big Dumper was the Secret Service code name for Joe Biden. —Greg Gutfeld

And finally, a strange new hole has appeared in Yellowstone National Park. Strange new hole. I'm on my way, said Bill Clinton. —Greg Gutfeld

Now, Trump just had the greatest start to a presidency in history. I haven't seen anything come out of the gate this fast since Joy Behar won the Kentucky Derby. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I get the hint, Charles! (a bottle of wine and a straw)

And Teacher Appreciation Day is a great time to give your teacher a card or an apple or what they really deserve — a bottle of wine and a straw. --Jimmy Fallon

This week, the emperor of Japan is giving up the throne. If you want to know more, just read the 50 articles about it that Prince Charles taped to the Queen's fridge. "I get the hint, Charles!" --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

unless, you know, you’re feeling like an omelet (the world series of poker)

Elon Musk dresses like the first person eliminated from the world series of poker. —Jimmy Kimmel

“I tried something a little different this year. I set my clocks ahead four years. It didn’t work.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“When asked by reporters yesterday aboard Air Force One about the possibility of a recession, President Trump said that his tariffs will make the U.S. ‘so rich, you’re not going to know where to spend all that money’ — unless, you know, you’re feeling like an omelet.” — Seth Meyers

“During a Fox News interview, President Trump declined to rule out the possibility that his economic policies could cause a recession. Trump was, like, ‘Depends if we use my economic policies from this morning or this afternoon.’” — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I guess that means neither got a ring (The last thing you want is teachers getting pregnant)

Travis Kelce didn't propose to Taylor Swift on the their recent romantic getaway. I guess that means neither got a ring. —Greg Gutfeld

Parents in Maryland are outraged at a new bill that would make condoms available in school vending machines. I get it. The last thing you want is teachers getting pregnant. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I totaled your car but I saved your floor mats (Even people who lost their homes now say it was worth it)

Joe Biden claimed he created 17 million new jobs without mentioning that the pandemic wiped out 22 million. So under him we lost 5 million jobs. That's like saying I totaled your car but I saved your floor mats. —Greg Gutfeld     

                                                                                        

Meanwhile nearly 200 paintings by Hunter Biden have been destroyed in the LA fires. Even people who lost their homes now say it was worth it. —Greg Gutfeld                  

A New York City gym teacher is accused of sticking his penis into a Lysol container while standing in front of his class. I know that is something you never expect to see in a New York City classroom. Lysol. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So now when students want to ask a question, they raise both hands (Dances to Gaga)

"In Washington a Native American tribe has approved same-sex marriage. The move was led by the tribe's leader, Dances to Gaga." –Conan O'Brien

A new bar in London specializes in something called "breathable booze." As we called that growing up in my house, standing next to uncle Patrick for five minutes. –Conan O’Brien

"A high school in Arkansas is letting teachers carry concealed weapons. So now when students want to ask a question, they raise both hands." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well excuse me, for having enormous flaws that I don't work on! (Cool, they already took the wrappers off these)

Thousands of people across the country went skinny dipping this weekend in an attempt to break the 2009 world record of 13,648 skinny dippers. Then the sharks said, “Cool, they already took the wrappers off these.” –Jimmy Fallon

"Scotland announced that it will legalize gay marriage. I don't know what's bigger news, that Scotland did that or that a country where guys wear plaid skirts didn't already have gay marriage." –Jimmy Fallon

But Teacher Appreciation Day is very special. It's the one day each year when we tell our teachers that there's no one we're prouder of, and our teachers are like, "There's no one OF WHOM you're prouder." --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Even crazier, they said that before Jeb dropped out (a bottle of wine and a straw)

And Teacher Appreciation Day is a great time to give your teacher a card or an apple or what they really deserve — a bottle of wine and a straw. --Jimmy Fallon

"Rush Limbaugh said yesterday that Obama never would have tracked down bin Laden if it weren't for George W. Bush's policies. Although in fairness, Obama never would have even been elected if it weren't for George W. Bush's policies." –Jimmy Fallon

I saw that former presidents George W. Bush and George H.W. Bush announced that they will not endorse anyone in the 2016 presidential race. Even crazier, they said that before Jeb dropped out. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

When have you ever said something like that about somebody and then changed your mind? (It was four, but OJ died)

Hello, I’m Martin Short and I’ll be taking over as guest host of Jimmy’s show for the week while he’s on vacation. Jimmy isn’t here, but was he ever really? There was always something missing behind his eyes. But Jimmy needs a break – if there’s anyone who deserves the summer off after working hard all year, it’s talkshow hosts and teachers, in that order. —Martin Short

I guess Jimmy would begin his monologue talking about Donald Trump. I guess you can’t go to Outback Steakhouse without ordering the Bloomin’ Onion. Trump has said he is close to naming his running mate, having narrowed down the field to three people. It was four, but OJ died. —Martin Short

What a choice Trump has in his tiny little hands. The first pick is Doug Burgum, governor of North Dakota, who sounds like the name of your most annoying co-worker. Then there’s Senator Marco Rubio of Florida, who once called Trump a con artist. Or should we go to doormat No 3, Ohio senator JD Vance, who said he thought Trump was either a cynical asshole like Nixon or America’s Hitler. When have you ever said something like that about somebody and then changed your mind? —Martin Short

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Just think how well you'd learn without PANTS on! (General Tso's Motors)

A new study found that students who learn without any shoes on get better grades than students who wear shoes. Then the University of Phoenix Online said, “Just think how well you'd learn without PANTS on!" –Jimmy Fallon

"As part of their restructuring plan, General Motors is selling off an entire division to a Chinese company. The new division will be called General Tso's Motors." --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”