Labor Day wish (Well, I guess Kid Rock is safe)

Rosie O'Donnell claims she got hit on by a handsome man after her facelift. Now, was this before or after his seeing eye dog licked her hand? —Greg Gutfeld 

The man with the world's smallest penis is getting his crowdfunding enlargement operation on August 17th. In a related story, that's the same day I'm guest hosting Jesse Waters Prime Time. —Greg Gutfeld 

According to a new study, hidden chemicals are lurking in 85% of personal care products like shampoo and soap. Well, I guess Kid Rock is safe. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

a lot of people didn’t like him, but at least he was bad at golf (wondering when the jokes were gonna start)

President Trump’s had a rough reception at this past weekend’s dinner where his comedy routine was universally ridiculed. Even the crickets in attendance sat quietly wondering when the jokes were gonna start. —Seth Meyers 

This week also saw the funeral of Lindsey Graham, where Trump was seen struggling to keep his eyes open. He looks like me after I’ve had three White Claws at the beach. —Seth Meyers 

“During his eulogy yesterday at Senator Lindsey Graham’s funeral, President Trump said that virtually everyone in both political parties liked Graham and added, ‘Well, not everybody.’ Amazing. The one time where it’s perfectly acceptable to lie a little bit and he decides to tell the truth: ‘[imitating Trump] Lindsey, a lot of people didn’t like him, but at least he was bad at golf.’” — Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

World Snake Day (Watch and Learn)

A man in Kansas City had to be rescued after falling into a porta potty while trying to retrieve a bottle of Mountain Dew. RFK Jr. commented on the story saying, "Mountain Dew is not a healthy choice.” —Tom Shillue

Yesterday was World Snake Day, so I hope everyone gives a special shout out to Adam Schiff. —Tom Shillue 

To lessen the strain on Vermont's power grid, customers are being asked to cut back on using air conditioners. Bernie Sanders agreed, although he thought they said hair conditioner. —Tom Shillue 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Are you mocking me? (it just means he's getting married again)

According to one excerpt, Donald Trump suggested that the

government should just "print more money." Oh, OK, I'm

starting to realize why Trump's casinos went bankrupt.

--James Corden

Yesterday, Donald Trump signed an executive order that will impose sanctions on foreign countries that try to interfere in United States elections. He's trying to stop election interference? He loves election interference! What's next, trying to stop bad spray tans, three-cheeseburger dinners? This is a real change for Trump. Usually when he punishes a foreign person it just means he's getting married again. --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

6 inches below average (He may be smarter than me)

Conservative political figure Kari Lake has been appointed by President Trump to be the next ambassador to Jamaica. Lake says her top priority will be to convert reggae to reg-straight. —Michael Che

"A new study finds that the average length of an erect p*nis in the country is 6.34 inches. Oh, boy! That means I'm only 6 inches below average.” —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Just a word of warning: Steer clear of Splash Mountain (medical marijuana dog treats)

Entrepreneurs in Brazil are building a new theme park called

“ErotikaLand” and it will feature rides and attractions based

around sexuality. Just a word of warning: Steer clear of Splash

Mountain. –Seth Meyers

"A company has come out with a line of medical marijuana dog

treats. Finally, a medicine that will help my dog lie on the couch

all day." –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

How many of you will play yourself? (nobody's more relieved than me and my girlfriend)

 

According to new data, America's teen birth rate fell to a record low last year. And nobody's more relieved than me and my girlfriend. —Greg Gutfeld    

A New York pet company is willing to pay up to $1,000 an hour for someone willing to sniff dog breath. The title is Joy Behar's assistant. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 
and Orwell’s 1984.”

No need to thank me (Black Labs)

The Bidens have adopted two rescue Black Labs while their son Hunter has rescued a meth lab. —Greg Gutfeld

Golf legend, Tiger Woods was arrested on charges after he flipped his car. Police say the crash could have been worse, but Tiger is only half Asian. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Do not leave the house unless you absolutely need to buy weed (No, you take a bite first)

Today was also bitterly cold in the Northeast, with lows in the single digits. And I cannot stress this part enough, okay? Do not leave the house unless you absolutely need to buy weed. --Jimmy Fallon

"Congress is considering a law that would allow commuters to bring their dogs and cats on Amtrak trains. It's all part of their plan to make Amtrak smell better." –Jimmy Fallon

North Korean leader Kim Jong Un invited South Korean officials to dinner. It was described as two hours of "You take a bite." "No, you take a bite first." --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'm just going to keep saying this (no one's more disappointed than her dogs)

“After bombing Iran, President Trump is calling for the Iranian people to rise up to topple the regime, which is the opposite of what he said he would do. He usually only calls for the overthrow of a government when he loses an election.” —Jimmy Kimmel

Meanwhile, President Trump fired DHS Secretary Kristi Noem. And no one's more disappointed than her dogs. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

It was the longest in history, lasting almost two full diapers (if it comes down to either him or Meghan Markle)

President Trump's State of the Union address this week was the longest in history, lasting almost two full diapers. —Colin Jost

Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor, the former prince and current river corpse...has been arrested and now may be banned from ever taking the throne. In fact, the royal family said the only way he can become king is if it comes down to either him or Meghan Markle. —Colin Jost

Thursday was National Small Dog Day, which is celebrated every February by hawks. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

just ahead of a gun wearing a cowboy hat (a real snausage fest)

"A new CBS News poll shows Chris Christie is ranked ninth out of all Republican presidential candidates. He's just behind Bobby Jindal and just ahead of a gun wearing a cowboy hat." –Seth Meyers

Today was International Dog Biscuit Appreciation Day. There’s a party later tonight, but I heard it’s going to be a real snausage fest. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

My advice: Charge $10 per high five (the spectrum)

A state of emergency has been declared in Wisconsin. Not because of the cold, but because someone ate a vegetable. It was a brussel sprout. The national guard has been called in. --Conan O’Brien

"The Navy SEAL responsible for killing Osama bin Laden says he's having trouble finding work. My advice: Charge $10 per high five. He will be a billionaire by the weekend." –Conan O'Brien

Today, Leonardo DiCaprio met with Pope Francis. In terms of number of sexual partners, those two are known as "the spectrum". –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Then, there’s the national orgy (the last time Trump lost a vote this badly he was elected president)

President Trump called us late night talk show hosts untalented and wondered what we were all going to do in 2024 when he’s no longer president. Well, first there’s the parade. Then, there’s the national orgy. And then I’m thinking a sandwich and a nap. --Stephen Colbert

This morning, the Trump administration unveiled their 2018 budget, titled “A New Foundation for American Greatness,” which is just slightly grandiose for a financial document. It’s like calling your grocery list “A Bold Vision for Yogurt and Dog Food.” –Stephen Colbert

Today, the republican held senate rejected Trump’s border emergency declaration 59 to 41. I mean the last time Trump lost a vote this badly he was elected president. --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Yeah, last year’s after party got pretty wild (your flamingo has been in an accident)

The Westminster Dog Show has added three new breeds to its annual events. Said the dogs, “Yeah, last year’s after party got pretty wild.” –Seth Meyers

59 new emojis will be available this fall, including a wheelchair and a flamingo, which is perfect if you need to tell someone your flamingo has been in an accident. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Bill Clinton just filled out an application to become a Buddhist monk (target practice)

Hundreds of dogs were in town for the Westminster Kennel Club dog show. Yeah. Or as Kristi Noem calls it, target practice. —Greg Gutfeld

In a police raid at a temple in Thailand, Buddhist monks were caught with pornography, sex toys, penis pumps, and an escort list. In a related story, Bill Clinton just filled out an application to become a Buddhist monk? —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

they will testify on the following conditions (it's testing well)

As part of the Congressional Epstein investigation, the Clintons say they will testify on the following conditions. Hillary wants to choose the date and Bill wants to bring one. —Greg Gutfeld

A Pharmaceutical company is developing an Ozempic appetite suppression drug for dogs and it's testing well. Joy Behar has completely stopped eating her own poop. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well, if that's the case, we know he's sending Kristi Noem, right? (Hunter Biden has discovered time travel)

Regarding an alleged plan to acquire Greenland, President Trump says the country's defense is two dog sleds. Well, if that's the case, we know he's sending Kristi Noem, right? —Greg Gutfeld

And finally, researchers discovered a prehistoric Iceman mummy that carried a high-risk strain of genital warts. And a related story, Hunter Biden has discovered time travel. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the Earth's inhabitants are being psychologically manipulated at a mass scale (Critics say if the roles were reversed, this would be gross)

A 22-year-old influencer married her former high school teacher despite their 40 year age gap. Critics say if the roles were reversed, this would be gross. —Greg Gutfeld

For her 50th birthday celebration, singer Jenny Lewis married her dog. The highlight of the ceremony was when the minister said, "You may now sniff the bride's butt. And get this, at the reception, they drank champagne out of the toilet.” —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well, guess I'm sleeping till noon (Mickey's Enchanted Morgue)

At the White House health meeting, Dr. Oz recommended drinking alcohol in moderation, adding, "Don't have it for breakfast." Well, guess I'm sleeping till noon, said Kamala Harris. —Greg Gutfeld

86-year-old Maryland Representative Steny Hoyer said he will not seek re-election after serving more than 44 years in Congress. His announcement was met with applause, which turned off his lamps. —Greg Gutfeld

On Friday, yet another body was discovered at Disney World, the sixth to be found since October. But the good news, at Disney, for an extra $99, the deceased can skip the line, and fast track to Mickey's Enchanted Morgue. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”