Plus, if you make it all the way up to the fifth level, Mexico pays for it (and most of all, not having sex)

Former Real World cast member Davis Mallory claims he isn't gay anymore and posted pictures of his girlfriend. The couple reportedly loves rollerblading, going to musicals, and most of all, not having sex. —Joe Mackey 

The White House launched a mega themed video game where players can build the border wall. Plus, if you make it all the way up to the fifth level, Mexico pays for it. —Joe Mackey 

A Staten Island man survived being struck by lightning. Not only did he survive, but he now loves Puerto Ricans. —Joe Mackey 

15 colleges now cost more than $100,000 per year. As a result, students have no choice but to take out loans to pay for their drugs. —Joe Mackey 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

 “A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Wow, it sounds even better than I don’t remember (writing her name in the snow)

Miss Universe Puerto Rico has announced its second transgender contestant, Gabrielle Rodriguez Velquez. Her talent writing her name in the snow. Good for her. You go, girl. —Greg Gutfeld

And in unrelated news, a new Grateful Dead app launched featuring high-quality recordings of more than 400 full live shows. Said Dead fans, ‘Wow, it sounds even better than I don’t remember.’ —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And boy, are his knees tired (their version of Dry January)

Meta CEO and Puerto Rican gigolo Mark Zuckerberg, flew down to Mar a Lago to meet with Donald Trump. And boy, are his knees tired. 

--Colin Jost

In other big news this week, Israel and Hamas committed to their version of Dry January. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And then — this is concerning — he said the same thing about Vermont (every person who was happy to hear that missed their flight)

President Trump said in a new interview that he is an "absolute 'no' on possible statehood for Puerto Rico." And then — this is concerning — he said the same thing about Vermont. --Seth Meyers

Los Angeles International Airport has updated its policy to allow travelers to pack marijuana when flying. And every person who was happy to hear that missed their flight. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Oh, my God. You look amazing (That's from both of us)

According to a new report, Earth's glaciers have lost 9 trillion metric tons of ice between 1961 and 2016. Said other glaciers, "Oh, my God. You look amazing." --Seth Meyers

It was announced yesterday that Oprah has donated $2 million to Puerto Rico to help with long-term hurricane relief efforts. "That's from both of us," said Stedman. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

In honor of the new 51st U.S. state — panic (Did you bring a kangaroo?)

The American flag behind Vice President Mike Pence during his speech in Brussels yesterday accidentally featured 51 stars instead of 50. In honor of the new 51st U.S. state — panic. –Seth Meyers

President Trump met today with the chancellor of Austria. Meyers as Trump, "Did you bring a kangaroo?" --Seth Meyers

An unopened copy of the 1985 video game "Super Mario Bros." recently sold at auction for over $100,000, and when the buyer's wife found out, she moved to another castle. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's one of the top five big oceans out there. It's very wet (What about sobbing? Can we quietly sob?)

A lot of celebrities are sharing their views of the election. In an interview with Rolling Stone, Bruce Springsteen called Donald Trump a moron. Which is why now Trump’s starting a rumor that Springsteen wasn’t really born in the USA. --Jimmy Fallon

I saw that while discussing Puerto Rico, Trump said the Atlantic is "a very big ocean." Trump always sounds like he forgot about a class presentation and is just up there winging it. "The Atlantic is a very big ocean. A lot of people didn't know how big it was. It's one of the top five big oceans out there. It's very wet." –Jimmy Fallon

There were actually 1,000 people in the audience tonight and they were instructed not to applaud or cheer during the debate. As people watching were like, “What about sobbing? Can we quietly sob?” --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What if you're trying to get out? (But Rhode Island isn't!!)

The Secret Service's new presidential limo cost $1.5 million and reportedly includes features such as the ability to electrify door handles to shock anyone trying to get inside. "What if you're trying to get out?" asked one woman [photo of Melania Trump]. --Seth Meyers

President Trump said today that getting relief efforts to Puerto Rico after the devastation caused by Hurricane Maria is tough because "It's an island." And then, proving he just learned it, yelled, "But Rhode Island isn't!!" –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

And then — this is concerning — he said the same thing about Vermont (Just ask thousands of priests)

President Trump said in a new interview that he is an "absolute

'no' on possible statehood for Puerto Rico." And then — this is

concerning — he said the same thing about Vermont.

--Seth Meyers

Note to Brett Kavanaugh. Stop saying that you are friends with

women. That's not a defense. Just because you're friends with one

woman doesn't mean you haven't been awful to another. That's

like saying you're a vegetarian because you didn't eat your dog.

--Seth Meyers

Devoting yourself to celibacy doesn't mean you can't be a sexual assaulter. Just ask thousands of priests. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

which coincidentally is also the title of Kid Rock's new album (Oh, my God. You look amazing)

The European Union today threatened to impose tariffs on

$20 billion worth of imported U.S. goods, including ketchup,

fish, and tractors, which coincidentally is also the title of Kid

Rock's new album. --Seth Meyers

According to a new report, Earth's glaciers have lost 9 trillion metric tons of ice between 1961 and 2016. Said other glaciers, "Oh, my God. You look amazing." --Seth Meyers

It was announced yesterday that Oprah has donated $2 million to Puerto Rico to help with long-term hurricane relief efforts. "That's from both of us," said Stedman. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I never would have thought giving money to a porn star would be an act of patriotism (he started calling them dad)

"Yesterday Rick Santorum greeted the locals by telling them if Puerto Rico wants to become a state, they need to start speaking English. Only Rick Santorum would go to someone's native land and tell them they're speaking the wrong language." –Jimmy Kimmel

Deutsch Bank in Germany gave Donald Trump more than $2 Billion in loans. They gave Trump so much money he started calling them dad. --Jimmy Kimmel

There are new developments in the case of Stormy Daniels, the adult film star who may or definitely did have sex with Donald Trump. She is trying to raise money to pay her legal fees. She launched a fundraising page on a website called CrowdJustice.com. So now you can give money to a porn star just like the president of the United States. In 24 hours, she’s raised more than $135,000. I never would have thought giving money to a porn star would be an act of patriotism. But then, I never thought a guy who would get in a Twitter war with Cher would become president. Every dollar you donate potentially brings us one step closer to seeing photos that will haunt our dreams forever.  --Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well, thank God I’m not George Santos, said George Santos (So I gave up eating bats for nothing?)

March 2023

The House Ethics Committee has announced an investigation into George Santos. Well, thank God I’m not George Santos, said George Santos. —Michael Che

The U.S. Energy Department concluded that Covid likely originated from a Wuhan laboratory leak and not a wet market. So I gave up eating bats for nothing? —Michael Che

Fisherman in Florida have discovered a 214 year old clam that was born the same year as Abraham Lincoln. The clam credits its longevity to staying away from the theater. —Michael Che

A man in Missouri is planning to turn an abandoned jail into an AirBNB rental, which will make it the first jail that refuses to accept black people. —Michael Che

It was announced that Puerto Rico’s only zoo is closing after years of alleged animal neglect. Worse, the zoo’s closing is being advertised as all you can eat. —Michael Che

A California man has set a new world record by visiting Disneyland for 2,995 consecutive days, but still no sign of his kids. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I can offer you some platitude word salad (Democrats like Bush, Republicans liking Kush)

During Trump’s rant about the media, he said, “What could be more fake than CBS and NBC and ABC and CNN?” I mean, yeah, what could be more fake? Just off the top of my head: Donald Trump's approval rating, his inauguration size, his concern for Puerto Rico, his concern for immigrants, his concern for hurricane victims, his golf handicap, his high IQ, his tan, his hair, him saying no one respects women more than him … and Fox News. –James Corden

Donald Trump tweeted about the hurricane in an odd way today. He wrote on Twitter, "Hurricane looks like the largest ever recorded in the Atlantic!" Who uses an exclamation point? How insecure is this guy that he even has to brag that his hurricanes are bigger than Obamas? I understand it in a way. In Trump's defense, it's rare that he sees a natural disaster bigger than his administration. –James Corden

Meanwhile in another poll, for the first time a majority of Republicans say they support the legalization of marijuana. What’s going on here? I don’t understand, I’m so confused. Democrats like Bush, Republicans liking Kush. –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If I were you, I’d go stay at your second homes (performance-enhancing ramen)

There’s talk of including video gamers in future Olympics. Olympic gamers would be treated like all other athletes, except they’d be tested for "performance-enhancing ramen." –Conan O’Brien

President Trump was in Puerto Rico today to survey the hurricane damage. Trump looked around then told the locals, "If I were you, I’d go stay at your second homes." –Conan O’Brien

Cleveland Cavaliers star LeBron James has endorsed Hillary Clinton for president. Experts say LeBron’s endorsement will help Hillary Clinton win in Ohio and lose in Florida. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

try coming back from a 6 billion point deficit (Boring Miss Universe)

"EA Sports released a new version of the video game 'NBA Jam' that features Obama, Biden, Bush, and Cheney. Bush and Cheney play the first half, then Obama and Biden try to come back from a 6 billion point deficit." –Jimmy Fallon

Today Trump went to Puerto Rico to survey the damage done by the hurricane. And Mike Pence will go there tomorrow, to survey the damage done by the president. –Jimmy Fallon

President Trump is in New York this week for the U.N. General Assembly — a large gathering of diplomats from foreign countries, or as Trump calls it "Boring Miss Universe." --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This is concerning — he said the same thing about Vermont (What if you're trying to get out?)

According to The Washington Post, in July of 2016, former Trump

campaign chairman Paul Manafort offered to provide private

briefings on the presidential race to a Russian billionaire who is

close with Vladimir Putin. So Paul Manafort was the campaign

manager for Donald Trump, and he met with a billionaire who was

friends with Putin, who was in a movie with Kevin Bacon! I did it!

–Seth Meyers

The Secret Service's new presidential limo cost $1.5 million and reportedly includes features such as the ability to electrify door handles to shock anyone trying to get inside. "What if you're trying to get out?" asked one woman [photo of Melania Trump]. --Seth Meyers

President Trump said in a new interview that he is an "absolute 'no' on possible statehood for Puerto Rico." And then — this is concerning — he said the same thing about Vermont. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

all the countries represented in the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition (So he’s been training for this really for his whole life)

"Yesterday Rick Santorum greeted the locals by telling them if Puerto Rico wants to become a state, they need to start speaking English. Only Rick Santorum would go to someone's native land and tell them they're speaking the wrong language." –Jimmy Kimmel

Donald Trump is right now gearing up for his first State of the Union speech; it’s tomorrow night. State of the Union is the one day of the year presidents are supposed to brag about their accomplishments. So he’s been training for this really for his whole life. --Jimmy Kimmel

According to the Annual Happiness Report the top 10 were Denmark, Switzerland, Iceland, Norway, Finland, Canada, the Netherlands, New Zealand, Australia, and Sweden. Basically all the countries represented in the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition. –Jimmy Kimmel

"Tiger Woods called a press conference for Friday morning. Only select journalists will be invited and no questions will be taken. Essentially, we’re going to listen to him read. Maybe he’ll announce a new batch of mistresses for 2010." –Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

if the American people ever learn math, they're going to be pissed (Obama is coming for your deep fryer)

April 2013

"These are two bombers – they are two brothers, ethnic Chechens, which is in southern Russia – who came to the U.S. from the country of Kyrgyzstan, which is in central Asia. And today George W. Bush vowed revenge and called for an immediate invasion of Puerto Rico." –Bill Maher on the Boston bombers

"Between these two a**holes and the douchebag who sent Ricin to President Obama, it makes me very nostalgic for the carefree days of last week when we were just being threatened by North Korea with nuclear annihilation." –Bill Maher

"The guy who sent the Ricin to President Obama… believed he had uncovered a conspiracy to sell human body parts on the black market and the government was in on it. He's been apprehended, he's facing jail time, and he's leading in the polls for the Republican presidential nomination in 2016." –Bill Maher

 "90 percent of people support background checks to purchase a gun, which means even people who can't pass a background check support background checks." –Bill Maher

Because of the filibuster, the gun bill failed 54 to 46. Failed. I tell you, if the American people ever learn math, they're going to be pissed." –Bill Maher

"A lot of the senators are saying off the record that the reason they couldn't vote for any sort of gun bill is that they couldn't go back to their district in this year after we've dealt with gay marriage and immigration and gun regulations. This is too much for the peckerwoods to process in any one moment. You might as well say Obama is coming for your deep fryer." –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This is my kind of Senator – socially liberal and fiscally conservative (or as Republicans call it)

February 2013

"Senator Bob Menendez was caught in a little scandal. Apparently he's been going down to Puerto Rico and getting underage prostitutes. He denies it. But he says the path to citizenship passes through his pants." –Bill Maher

"The Daily Caller website found two women in Puerto Rico, who claim that he promised them $500 for their services and only paid them $100. This is my kind of Senator – socially liberal and fiscally conservative." –Bill Maher

"In an interview last week, Obama said he loves to shoot skeet up at Camp David. Republicans said if he is a skeet shooter, why have we not heard of it? Why have we not seen photos of it? Yes, because nothing would ease the Republican mind more than a photo of the black president with a gun." –Bill Maher

"This is the first day of Black History Month; or as Republicans call it, February." –Bill Maher

"Con men like Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck are one reason the Republicans are in such dire straits today. Because they don't care about winning elections. They care about separating rubes from their money. They've discovered there's a fortune to be made by keeping a small portion of America under the illusion that they are always under attack. From Mexicans, or ACORN, or Planned Parenthood, or gays, or takers, global warming hoaxers; it doesn't matter. They don't want a majority. They want a mailing list, a list of the kind of gullible Honey Boo Boos out there who think that there's a War on Christmas, and that the socialist policies of our Kenyan President have been so disastrous that the end of the world is coming." –Bill Maher 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”