the first president who sold a line of steaks at Sharper Image (You were warned)

It was a historic night. We're either going to have our first female president, or the first president who sold a line of steaks at Sharper Image. –Jimmy Kimmel

"A new poll shows that disapproval of Congress is at an all-time high. Eighty-two percent of Americans disapprove of the job Congress is doing and the other 18 percent weren't home when the question was asked." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

She is ahead by 98 points with voters who went to Trump University (But wait there’s more . . )

Donald Trump is now leading Hillary Clinton by 28 points with white voters without a college degree. However, Hillary is ahead by 98 points with voters who went to Trump University. –Conan O’Brien

Yesterday at the DNC, Elizabeth Warren said, "Trump's entire campaign is just one more late-night Trump infomercial." Trump called her "stupid" then said, "But wait there’s more . . ." –Conan O’Brien

President Trump tweeted that his son Donald Jr. is "open, transparent, and innocent." Unfortunately those are three things you don’t want to be when you go to prison. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

he spent more nights with me this week than Melania (why not resign, and make this country great again)

Rosie O’Donnell signed off from guest-hosting “Jimmy Kimmel Live” on Thursday by thanking “everyone who’s been watching this week, especially the hungry, hungry hypocrite in the White House. It’s kind of weird to think he spent more nights with me this week than Melania.” — Rosie O’Donnell

Rosie O’Donnell also performed a new version of a traditional Irish ditty to close out her final monologue dedicated to a “very special boy.” [to the tune of ‘Danny Boy’] Poor Donny boy your polls, your polls are falling. Your reflecting pool is green as Mountain Dew. Your wig’s a mess, your ballroom is appalling, and with Iran you’ve bit off more than you can chew. Measles are back, inflation is a-swelling; you post all night, you’re sleeping while you work. And what’s with all this useless crap you’re selling? Hey, sweetie pie, you’re driving us all berserk. But there’s a way to end this drama. It’s time to use that stable-genius brain. Since we all know you’ll never be Obama, why not resign, and make this country great again? — Rosie O’Donnell

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

not being the slightest bit suspicious (Catering Car and Driver magazine)

“According to a new poll, President Trump’s approval rating has fallen to 33 percent, the lowest level of his presidency. But there is some good news for Trump. His numbers are at an all-time high in a new poll from ‘Catering Car and Driver’ magazine.” — Jimmy Fallon

“The poll also found that a large majority of Americans are concerned about an endless war with Iran. This is America — the only things we want to be endless are shrimp at Red Lobster and seasons of ‘Grey’s Anatomy.’” — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the capitalists stopped pretending that it doesn't (baby steps)

“On Tuesday, President Trump posted a map on Truth Social labeling the Strait of Hormuz “NEW U.S. Territory.” The White House said, ‘Look, he stopped posting photos of himself as Jesus, so this is baby steps.’” — Jimmy Fallon

“Well, guys, according to a new poll, President Trump’s approval rating has fallen to 33 percent, the lowest level of his presidency. Yeah, I mean, most people like to drop a few for the summer, but this is pretty bad.” — Jimmy Fallon

“I mean, even diarrhea lettuce is at 34 percent.” — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I think he’s genuinely asking (portraits)

This week saw Trump being asked by a journalist about Iran showing no signs that they are willing to stop fighting and he responded by asking if she knew something he didn’t. I don’t think he’s being sarcastic, I think he’s genuinely asking. —Seth Meyers

There are reports that Trump’s approval ratings in his second term are the worst of any 21st-century president, scoring lower than Barack Obama and George W Bush. Trump is doing worse than Bush during the Iraq war – and remember, Bush had a pair of shoes thrown at him. —Seth Meyers

Trump is unpopular with people with no party affiliation as well as those on the left. According to a Washington Post poll, he is scoring worse with independents than Richard Nixon during Watergate. —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

husbands and boyfriends were already gone (penalty kicks)

President Trump’s approval rating is at just 36 percent, which is even lower than Obama’s ever was. The only time Obama came close to that was when he had that meeting with Trump. –Jimmy Fallon

"Two teams are left in the World Cup. Yesterday Argentina beat the Netherlands on penalty kicks after both teams went scoreless. That's right, the game was decided by penalty kicks. People hadn't seen that many kicks since Beyoncé's sister got into an elevator with Jay-Z." –Jimmy Fallon

"A judge in New Jersey ruled that women can keep their husbands and boyfriends out of the delivery room while they are in labor. When asked if they'd mind leaving the room, husbands and boyfriends were already gone." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

it would just be easier to just get their president to put some pants on (Hello Beautiful)

China reportedly scrubbed the images of Winnie the Pooh from

social media over the weekend, after users compared the

character to their president. Though it seems like it would just

be easier to just get their president to put some pants on.

–Seth Meyers

Dunkin' Donuts is partnering with Harpoon Brewery to release a coffee-infused beer. Not to be outdone, Four Loko is now partnering with heroin. --Seth Meyers

According to a new nationwide poll, Donald Trump now leads all other Republican presidential candidates. But come on, if we elect him you know he’ll just leave us for a younger country. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Try Finding Nemo Now (Is 28% still technically an approval rating?)

"Because of the success of 'Toy Story 3,' Pixar is now rushing ahead with its plans to do a sequel to one of its most popular movies, presented by BP. It's BP presents 'Try Finding Nemo Now.'" –Jay Leno

"President Bush's approval rating has dropped to an all-time low of 28%. Here's my question: Is 28% still technically an approval rating?" --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

He spent all day giving himself a massage (100 percent of smartphones say they own an American)

“A new survey says 64 percent of Americans own a smartphone. Which is interesting because in a related survey, 100 percent of smartphones say they own an American.” —Jimmy Fallon

The race for 2020 is already under way, and a new poll found that Bernie Sanders is now leading Joe Biden 29% to 24%. You can tell Biden's stressed. He spent all day giving himself a massage. --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I don't have that kind of range (in Minnesota, I’m considered black)

According to a latest poll California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger’s approval rating is down to 30%. After hearing this Arnold said I'm not gonna act all hurt and upset because I don't have that kind of range. --Conan O’Brien 11/10/2005

Minnesota’s Mall of America has hired its first-ever black Santa Claus. Which sounds like a big deal until you realize that in Minnesota, I’m considered black. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the most popular class at Trump University (What’s that smell?)

According to a new poll, 58 percent of New Jersey residents support legalizing marijuana. I think they just want to finally have a good answer to the question, “What’s that smell?” –Seth Meyers

President Trump today accused Democrats of wanting "unlimited crime." Coincidently, Unlimited Crime was also the most popular class at Trump University. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

they are worried people will find out they're terrible (Or as Joe Biden calls it...)

This week, 300 cannabis workers in Illinois went on strike, causing panic among the Dave Matthews Band, who are worried people will find out they're terrible. —Greg Gutfeld 

China has unveiled a self-driving robot toilet that rolls up to your bed, cleans you up, and then wipes itself off. Or as Joe Biden calls it, Jill. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

She's in first place with a 37% blood alcohol level (if you bring a Subway token, they'll let you play first base)

According to a recent poll, Kamala Harris is now favored to become the Democratic Party's 2028 presidential nominee. She's in first place with a 37% blood alcohol level. —Tom Shillue

A 35-year-old Australian man died after the third fatal shark attack in the same area this month. To stay safe, officials are reminding people to always swim with a fat buddy. —Tom Shillue

And finally, a New York Knicks ticket for game three of the NBA Finals is going for $51,000. Meanwhile, the New York Mets say if you bring a Subway token, they'll let you play first base. —Tom Shillue 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

There he is, the least-popular bill since Cosby (But now it’s May of 2026, and everybody hates him)

So, when asked about Trump's terrible poll numbers, usually they’ll deflect this kind of thing, but a White House spokesperson said, ‘The ultimate poll was Nov. 5, 2024, when nearly 80 million Americans overwhelmingly elected President Trump to deliver on his popular and common-sense agenda.’ OK, yeah. But now it’s May of 2026, and everybody hates him, so. —Jimmy Kimmel

The Treasury Department proposed printing a $250 bill featuring the likeness of President Trump on it, to celebrate the nation’s 250th anniversary. There he is, the least-popular bill since Cosby. —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I just want to make sure he knows, he’s two points behind JD Vance (The Blart of the Deal)

A new Economist/YouGov poll showed President Trump at his lowest approval rating ever, of 34 percent. He is now down to 34 percent. He has the same approval rating as Paul Blart: Mall Cop. The Blart of the Deal. —Jimmy Kimmel

Not only is Trump at his lowest point, he’s also two points behind JD Vance. I don’t have a joke for that. I just want to make sure he knows, he’s two points behind JD Vance. —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

you can't judge a book by its cover (he might start dating it)

"Kim Kardashian is here tonight because she has a new book out.

It's called 'Selfish.' It is 400 pages of pictures she took of herself.

You know how you can't judge a book by its cover? This one you

can." –Jimmy Kimmel

President Trump’s approval rating has sunk to near-historic lows. According to a new Quinnipiac poll, his approval rating is down to 36 percent. If it gets down to the 20s he might start dating it. –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'm my own man, plus another guy (Well, that never stopped us before)

"Jeb Bush has to distance himself from what they call the Bush brand. So he keeps saying, 'I am my own man.' But when Governor Chris Christie is out on the campaign trail, he's always saying, 'I'm my own man, plus another guy.'" –David Letterman

"50 percent of Americans polled said they thought Donald Trump would make a lousy President. Wow! Half said he'd make a lousy President. Well, that never stopped us before." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the administration has unveiled a new name for the mission (the cost of owning thyself)

A new poll finds that Americans are overwhelmingly opposed to the Iran war and Trump’s plan to peacefully guide oil tankers through the strait of Hormuz. Oh wait, I’m getting word that the administration has unveiled a new name for the mission. Let’s see, what is it called: Operation Clusterf*ck. —Seth Meyers

A new Ipsos poll which showed Trump’s disapproval ratings at a record 62%, in large part due to gas prices rising $1.50 a gallon since the start of the Iran war. Trump’s disapproval is at an all-time high: higher than Covid and January 6 – a virus and a riot. But I just have a quick question for the 37% who approve [of Trump]. What’s your deal? I get that you’re Maga but what do you actually approve of? Is it worth it for you to pay high gas prices if it means liberals also pay high gas prices? Is that how much you want to own the libs – at the cost of owning thyself? —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That number jumps to 100 percent if you only ask the animals (after page 72,000, it gets really good)

"Sarah Palin has a 61 percent unfavorable rating in Alaska. That 

number jumps to 100 percent if you only ask the animals." –Conan 

O'Brien

"It's April 15, tax day. The federal tax code is over 74,000 pages long. 

But stick with it because after page 72,000, it gets really good." 

– Conan O'Brien

 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”