it’s just nice to see them get rid of something for reasons other than sexual harassment (the happiest possible ending)

At a Walmart in Minnesota, a customer had to tackle a confused deer after it wandered into the store. The deer is fine and was released back into the wild, which makes this the happiest possible ending to a story of a deer walking into one of America’s largest suppliers of hunting rifles. –James Corden

This week SpaceX and Tesla founder Elon Musk personally handed out his latest and greatest new product to the first 1,000 customers who bought them online. And that product is… a flamethrower! This is something we were all crying out for. I mean, this is one way to get your neighbor to stop using a leaf blower at 7 a.m. To get around existing laws, Elon Musk is calling the product Not a Flamethrower. Which is a great idea. I'm excited to use one of these "not a flamethrowers" to "not rob a liquor store." --James Corden

In a new branding initiative announced today, the Fox News channel has said that it’s getting rid of its longtime slogan “Fair and Balanced.” Yeah, they’re getting rid of that. Here is an idea. If Fox News really wants to be accurate, shouldn’t they just really drop the part that says news? But then again, it’s just nice to see Fox get rid of something for reasons other than sexual harassment. –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I could have used seals? (Back Taxes)

As of this month, Michael Cohen reportedly now owes $280,000 to back taxes. Isn't that incredible? There's a porn star named "Back Taxes." --Conan O’Brien

In Pennsylvania, a 100-year-old woman has broken the world record for the 100-yard dash in her age group. She won with the record-setting time of "Wednesday." –Conan O’Brien

"President Obama gave the order for Navy SEALs to kill bin Laden. When President Bush heard about it, he was really upset, saying, 'I could have used seals?'" –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Which explains why this morning, Obama was endorsed by President Bush (Let this radicalize you)

 

"This Thursday, Barack Obama is gonna give his acceptance speech, and reportedly it's going to include performances by Bon Jovi and Bruce Springsteen. Yeah. And they say Obama's not black enough!" --Conan O'Brien

"First of all, good news for everybody, last night was the final Democratic debate. Which I'm excited about. I think there were 110 of those, but now they're over. I guess one of the big stories was that Barack Obama had a little bit of trouble last night. He is so smooth and he's so good, but last night he had a little trouble. Last night, during the debate, Barack Obama mispronounced the word 'Massachusetts' twice and then mispronounced the word 'filibuster.' Yeah, which explains why this morning, Obama was endorsed by President Bush." --Conan O'Brien

 

"Yesterday, Senator Barack Obama won the Wisconsin Democratic primary, which makes Obama the first black man to ever win a primary in Wisconsin and the first black man to ever go to Wisconsin." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

His job? Man who shoves woman into river to see if she’s a witch (Let this radicalize you)

Mike Pence’s time is 1692. His place? Salem. His job? Man who shoves woman into river to see if she’s a witch. —Stephen Colbert

Mike Pence was also polling at about 2% in Iowa. You hear that, Chris Christie? You bag those Pence voters, you could be polling as high as … 2%. —Stephen Colbert

And in other news, the new speaker of the House, the Louisiana representative, Mike Johnson, offered Americans a window into his mindset when he described the Bible as “that’s my worldview. That’s what I believe. That’s great. If the Bible is his worldview on any issue, I don’t know why progressives are nervous. He’s clearly going to ask the rich to sell all their possessions and give their money to the poor! —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You’re part of a military unit, not the governor of Alaska (Get a room)

"It was a tough week for conservatives because, you know, on the one hand they love the military and soldiers, but they hate Obama. So at first, FOX News was like, 'We don't want to weigh in until all the facts were distorted.'" –Bill Maher on the Bowe Bergdahl prisoner swap

"We don't trade terrorists for hostages. We trade arms for hostages. But there are of course aspects of this story that are actually controversial. Like this soldier, Bowe Bergdahl, may very well have been a deserter, which is not good. You just can’t pick up and leave in the middle of your job. You’re part of a military unit, not the governor of Alaska." –Bill Maher

Bill Maher on gun nuts who want to open carry everywhere: "Guns aren't just a tool of last resort. They're awesome. That's why people stroke them. And name them, and take pictures with them. You guys aren't just firearm enthusiasts — you're ammosexuals. And before you try and deny you have some sort of unnatural romantic relationship with your gun, consider this. You're taking it out to dinner! Because it completes you. Get a room."

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Wow, this Trump cologne REALLY WORKS/Let this radicalize you/it’s all about the journey, man!

The Women’s March in Washington was on Saturday, and it had three times as many people as Trump’s inauguration. When he was told there were hundreds of thousands of women outside the White House, Trump said, “Wow, this Trump cologne REALLY WORKS.” –Jimmy Fallon

Two guys in Minnesota were pulled over with almost 500 pounds of weed in their car. You could tell it was a lot, ’cuz even their GPS was like, “Forget about the destination – it’s all about the journey, man!” --Jimmy Fallon

According to the National Travel and Tourism Office, tourism is down in America since we elected President Trump. The U.S. tourism industry lost 40,000 jobs and $4.6 billion in revenue since the inauguration. I don’t know why people wouldn’t want to come here, we’re so welcoming to foreigners, starting right at the top. We don’t really need a wall. We already have Trump. Trump is his own wall, in a way. --Jimmy Kimmel

There were lots of protests in Switzerland. One person was holding a sign that said “Dump Trump.” But the president wasn’t mad – he said, “Haha, you spelled Donald wrong.”  --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

because there’s nothing worse than getting an erection and forgetting why (Well, he sounds like a Democrat to me)

December 2022

“When asked if he would follow the lead of Senator Kyrsten Sinema and leave the Democratic party, fellow obstructionist Joe Manchin, of West Virginia, told reporters: ‘I’ll look at all of these things. I’ve always looked at all those things, but I have no intention of doing anything right now.’ Well, he sounds like a Democrat to me.” —Seth Meyers

“And according to new research, taking the erectile dysfunction drug Viagra could decrease the risk of developing Alzheimer’s. Which is great, because there’s nothing worse than getting an erection and forgetting why.” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

New Yorkers are gonna be so excited to finally try marijuana (I get excited about scoreless ties)

November 2022

“This season on top of the regular seasonal cold, I am suffering from World Cup fever, symptoms include I’m a little ache-y and I get excited about scoreless ties.” —Stephen Colbert

“The host nation to the World Cup is Qatar, a desert country with an oppressive regime and a terrible human rights record where homosexuality is illegal, in other words it’s like if Ron Desantis had oil.” —Stephen Colbert

“To protest this, seven countries saw their captains trying to wear rainbow armbands that said one love. In response, Fifa said it would give a yellow card to anyone doing this as well as ordering Belgium to remove the word love from their shirts. They’re banning love and rainbows. Basically Fifa is the bad guy in a Care Bears movie.” —Stephen Colbert

“This week also saw the Iranian team stay silent during the national anthem to protest the country’s violent and misogynist regime. It was incredibly brave or they forgot the words.” —Stephen Colbert

“The first licences for recreational marijuana have also finally been produced in New York. New Yorkers are gonna be so excited to finally try marijuana.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Look, the pinata is singing (yeah, that's our entire plan)

"In the midterm elections, a 102-year-old woman voted for the first time in a U.S. election. Unfortunately, she voted for Woodrow Wilson." –Conan O'Brien

"This week, footage surfaced of Senator Ted Kennedy singing in Spanish to a Latino group. Yeah, there was an awkward moment when someone in the crowd pointed at Kennedy's head and said, 'Look, the pinata is singing.'" --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush said that when it comes to hurricane preparedness, step number one is to, quote, 'pray that there's no hurricanes.' Later President Bush admitted, yeah, that's our entire plan." --Conan O'Brien

"In Montana, a math teacher is running for the Senate. Win or lose, she plans on demanding a recount because math is fun." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Let this radicalize you (because only 13% of his money is in this country)

"Mitt Romney says if he is elected he will create 12 million new jobs in his first year in office – and that's just for people to do his taxes." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney says he's never paid less than 13% in taxes, which I think is fair because only 13% of his money is in this country." –Jay Leno

"Actually, Mitt Romney and Hurricane Isaac have something in common. They can both change directions at any moment." –Jay Leno

"A hurricane is scheduled to hit Tampa during the Republican Convention. These winds are so strong they could actually blow some of Mitt Romney's money back in the United States." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”