I'm going to need another clue (spotted milk horses)

A new study finds that George Clooney has the most handsome face because of his eyes, nose, chin, and mouth. In other words, he has the most handsome face because of his face. –Jimmy Fallon

A transcript from President Trump’s phone call with the Australian prime minister was just leaked and at one point, Trump referred to U.S. dairy farmers as local milk people. Even worse, he referred to cows as spotted milk horses. –Jimmy Fallon

President Trump was talking to reporters yesterday, after the big healthcare vote, and people noticed that he didn't seem to know how many senators there are. When told it is two for each state, Trump said, "I'm going to need another clue." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Well, if that expression means you’re happy, then my wife was thrilled when I forgot her birthday (the official sport of the NRA)

Daylight Savings Time began yesterday where we all lost an hour of sleep — and somehow Ben Carson gained four. --Seth Meyers

The owner of a Greek soccer team this weekend stormed onto the field during a match waving a handgun. So long story short, soccer is now the official sport of the NRA. --Seth Meyers

“Michael Bloomberg spent half a billion dollars and all he got was a nationally televised atomic wedgie from Elizabeth Warren in the debates.” —Seth Meyers

Chris Christie was asked today about his vacant expression during Donald Trump’s Super Tuesday victory speech, and told reporters, “I wasn’t anything other than happy.” Well, if that expression means you’re happy, then my wife was thrilled when I forgot her birthday. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

We can't even get 72% of Americans to agree on what an M&M should wear (He has a lot of jobs)

February 2023

“Well, as I mentioned, last night was President Biden's State of the Union address. And I saw a poll that said 72% of people responded favorably to his speech. That’s amazing. We can't even get 72% of Americans to agree on what an M&M should wear.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Yeah, Biden's speech was passionate and energetic. He basically went from decaf green tea to Mountain Dew Code Red. At one point in his speech, Biden said, ‘COVID no longer controls our lives.’ He was like, ‘Now that honor belongs to TikTok.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Biden also talked about the strong jobs market. He said people are working as bankers, real-estate developers, dancers, philanthropists, Broadway producers, and that's just George Santos. He has a lot of jobs.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It was hidden in a copy of Black Tail magazine (everyone in the crowd took a hit of nitros and bit a cop)

January 2023

A drag queen who claims she performed with George Santos said that George did not have the glamour to be a professional, but she said another draw queen in congress is actually slaying it as the character, Marjorie Taylor Green. —Michael Che

Earlier today, the FBI searched President Biden’s Delaware home and found six additional Obama era classified documents. Worse, one of them was Obama’s real birth certificate. It was hidden in a copy of Black Tail magazine. —Michael Che

Florida governor Ron DeSantis has proposed a new policy permanently banning mask mandates and vaccine requirements saying that, ‘when the world lost its mind, Florida was a refuge of sanity.’ Then everyone in the crowd took a hit of nitros and bit a cop. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

haiku: come closer elite

come closer elite

butcher’s guillotine whispers

billionaires go first

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

See, they will do anything to keep that Democratic caucus there (Guillotine: $1200)

"Here's something odd about Iowa I didn't know. You'd think they'd be conservative. They decided to not to ban sex in public places. It is actually legal to have sex in public places in Iowa. See, they will do anything to keep that Democratic caucus there." --Jay Leno

"Well, the Wall Street Journal said today Democrats are sending an army of lawyers and investigators up to Alaska to look into the background of Sarah Palin. And of course, John McCain is furious. He said, 'Hey, if I didn't look into her background, there's no reason you should be looking into her background.'" --Jay Leno

 

"Vice President Dick Cheney has donated $2.7 million to the hospital at George Washington University. He wants to make sure the next guy he shoots is taken care of first class." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s like Shark Week, except American infrastructure might actually kill you (Four score and seven ratselttab)

Of course, the internet lost their covfefe over this. Why did the president type that? It was the new “What color is the dress?” But instead of “white versus blue,” it was “sleepy versus stroke.” –Stephen Colbert

I know this happened five days ago, but I will not be denied the chance to enjoy Trump’s tweet from just after midnight last Wednesday: “Despite the constant negative press covfefe.” OK. Strong statement. Bold. Presidential. Reminds of the first draft of the Gettysburg address: “Four score and seven ratselttab.” –Stephen Colbert

"Something happened last night, I was down in Washington, D.C., love it down there, can't get enough of that city. Anyway, I was out with my buddy, Rep. Patrick Kennedy of Rhode Island, and we were driving home, and I suggested we play a game of I Spy a Concrete Barricade. Patrick is a fierce competitor and, well, he won." --Stephen Colbert

The White House announced today that they’re kicking off “Infrastructure Week.” It’s like Shark Week, except American infrastructure might actually kill you. –Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

since it's started spying on gay groups, it's been having some weird feelings (yeah, that's our entire plan)

"President Bush said that when it comes to hurricane preparedness, step number one is, quote, 'pray that there's no hurricanes.' Later President Bush admitted, yeah, that's our entire plan." --Conan O'Brien

"Michigan Governor Jennifer Granholm has agreed to help Joe Biden prepare for the debate by standing in and playing the role of Sarah Palin. That's true. See, up until now, the only Sarah Palin role playing has come at the request of Bill Clinton." --Conan O'Brien

"Republican lobbyist Jack Abramoff has agreed to cooperate with federal prosecutors. He could name up to 20 congressmen. When President Bush heard this, he said 'That's amazing. I can only name three congressmen.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The Pentagon admitted it's been spying on gay groups. The Pentagon also admitted that since it's started spying on gay groups, it's been having some weird feelings." --Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Then Detroit said, 'Hey, can WE go to war with Russia?' (so that's nice)

March 2014

"President Obama has unveiled his budget for 2015. He's referring to it as a road map for creating jobs. And young people said, 'A what for creating what? Road map? Job? I've never had either of those things.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Obama's new budget actually includes a proposal to phase out pennies and nickels to make the government more efficient – and to make grandparents better tippers." –Jimmy Fallon

"Russia is threatening to invade Ukraine, and the U.S. is stepping in. In fact, just yesterday the U.S. gave a billion dollars to Ukraine to help stabilize the region. Then Detroit said, 'Hey, can WE go to war with Russia?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Just one day after the U.S. gave Ukraine a billion dollars, the E.U. announced it was giving Ukraine $15 billion. It's kind of like when your sister gives your mom a fancy necklace for Christmas right after you give her a pair of socks." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I’m the Least Worst (Oligarchy Repair Kit)

"The Super Bowl this year will be played in Governor Chris Christie's home state of New Jersey. It's a state that lately has gotten used to 300-pound guys blocking things." –Conan O'Brien

A lot of people are upset because in a new movie, Michael Jackson will be played by British white actor Joseph Fiennes. They’re also not thrilled about the new James Brown biopic starring Benedict Cumberbatch. –Conan O’Brien

A member of Marco Rubio’s inner circle said his boss benefitted from the Trump-Cruz fight because, "Marco is everyone’s second choice." That explains Rubio’s new campaign slogan, "I’m the Least Worst." –Conan O’Brien

"Computer technicians in Washington say they have found 22 million missing emails from President George W. Bush's Administration. And you can tell the emails are from the Bush Administration because they all begin, 'Dear Santa.'" –Conan O'Brien

Today, Queen Elizabeth stepped down as the patron of children’s charities. The queen said, “I just realized I really hate kids.” –Conan O’Brien

Chipotle is now being accused of gender discrimination. A spokesperson for Chipotle said, "That’s not true, we serve both E. coli and She. coli." –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hippity Hoppity, It's Time for Chippity Choppity (which is slightly longer than normal)

January 2014

"The president of the United States of New Jersey Chris Christie is in hot water. Ok, hold on, I just pictured him in a hot tub. Shake it off." –Stephen Colbert

"New emails link top aides in the Christie administration to a shutdown on the George Washington Bridge back in September. It was traffic on a biblical scale, with New Jersey highways backed up for days, which is slightly longer than normal." –Stephen Colbert

"Turns out that the lane closures were meant to make life hell as payback to the mayor of Fort Lee, New Jersey, for not endorsing Christie for re-election. No word yet on what the rest of New Jersey is payback for." –Stephen Colbert

"Rest assured I'm going to go extremely easy on Christie because I'm a commuter and do not wish to get on his bad side. Not to imply he has a bad side. All your sides are wonderful, sir." –Stephen Colbert

"President Obama's former defense secretary, Robert Gates, has written a new memoir where he says that Joe Biden has been wrong on almost every foreign policy issue in the last 40 years. He says he's awful when it comes to foreign countries. Then Biden was like, 'Is this bout the time I got lost at Epcot?'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html

#1001Ways #RandomThoughts #poetry

 

unless of course you're a Democrat watching Ann Coulter on the Today Show (You see, it really is hard out there for a pimp)

"Yesterday was 666. And the devil did not show up yesterday,

unless of course you're a Democrat watching Ann Coulter

on the 'Today Show.'" --Jay Leno

"Republican congressman Randy 'Duke' Cunningham

sentenced to 8 years in prison. You see, it really is hard

out there for a pimp." --Jay Leno

"Anybody notice that for daylight saving, the change

is later this year? It was supposed to be last week.

According to the New York Times, Congress made

this decision in part from pressure from the candy

lobby, who wanted an extra hour for trick or treating.

Isn't that unbelievable? I mean, the research lobby

can't get stem cell research through. The consumer

lobby, we can't get lead out of toys. But by God,

when it comes to an extra hour of eating sugar,

the candy lobby has the power." --Jay Leno

"What is it with all these gay Republican sex scandals?

Remember the old days when a politician would just

put his hand in your pockets to get your money."

--Jay Leno

"According to a new report the San Andreas Fault

right under Los Angeles is ready to explode and

cause the biggest earthquake in history. Isn't that

frightening? They said it could wipe Malibu off the

map. You thought Bush was slow to respond to

New Orleans, how long is it going to take him

to save Barbara Streisand?" --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

We have no healthcare, but we have bacon-scented deodorant (That's great if you're dating the governor of New Jersey)

November 2013

"A pharmaceutical company has developed a deodorant that is bacon scented. We have no healthcare, but we have bacon-scented deodorant." –David Letterman

"Do you know who's going to the Vatican for a meeting with Pope Francis? Evil dictator Vladimir Putin. The Pope better be careful because I bet you anything Putin is going to try and steal his ring." –David Letterman

"60 Minutes had a story that turned out not to be true about Benghazi. They had to apologize. And then today they were embarrassed again. It turns out the stopwatch on '60 Minutes' is not accurate." –David Letterman

"A company is now selling bacon-scented deodorant. That's great if you're dating the governor of New Jersey." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

because obviously the Kennedys would be big Trump fans (but he’s still more lifelike than Mike Pence)

November 2021

“I mentioned last night they had this QAnon event in Dallas. The illiterati gathered by the hundreds because they believed J.F.K. Jr. and J.F.K. Sr. were going to re-emerge and reinstall Donald Trump to power, because obviously the Kennedys would be big Trump fans.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“Of course, J.F.K. Jr. died tragically 22 years ago, so at this point, any announcement from him would be pretty big.” — Stephen Colbert

“Now, some of these folks also believe J.F.K. Jr. will be seeking office soon, based on their T-shirts suggesting J.F.K. Jr. would be the former president’s running mate in 2024. Makes sense: Kennedy died over 20 years ago, but he’s still more lifelike than Mike Pence.” — Stephen Colbert

“Shockingly, J.F.K. Jr. did not show up in Dallas yesterday afternoon, due to his chronic case of ‘not alive.’” — Stephen Colbert

“But the QAnon crowd didn’t lose hope, because rumors began to circulate that J.F.K. Jr. would instead appear at a concert by the Rolling Stones that evening. Guys, come on. You can’t always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, you might find, you just might find you get what you need. Which is medication.” — Stephen Colbert

“So, the concert happened, and J.F.K. Jr. was a no-show. Some QAnon believers walked away with a new theory about his father: that Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards is, in fact, President John F. Kennedy. OK, that is crazy. President Kennedy would be 104 years old, and Keith Richards is clearly way older than that.” — Stephen Colbert

“Who should be more insulted — Keith Richards by people who thought he was a 104-year-old J.F.K., or J.F.K. for them thinking he was a 77-year-old Keith Richards. I don’t know.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“It’s crazy that people actually believed this. I mean, if you’re gonna believe that a band is the dead Kennedys in disguise, wouldn’t you assume that band was the Dead Kennedys?” — Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

How much is that in dollars? (Oligarchy repair kit)

July 2013

"It finally happened. Kate Middleton gave birth to a baby boy today. The baby weighed about eight pounds. Americans were like, 'How much is that in dollars?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Kate Middleton went into labor this morning in London. When the rest of the royal family heard, they were like, 'Oh my God. What's labor?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"We have former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer on the show tonight. He'll be here only for about five minutes, but we're charging him for the full hour." –Jimmy Fallon 

"Eliot Spitzer is on the show. When he got here, I said, 'Do you need someone to escort, er, show you to your dressing room?'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

you realize idiots have infiltrated the highest levels of the federal government (fly them in from the Cayman Islands)

July 2012

"President Obama is coming under criticism now for not meeting with his jobs council. He hasn't met with his jobs council in over six months. You know the reason Obama hasn't met with his job council in six months? They're all out looking for jobs." –Jay Leno

"Congresswoman Michele Bachmann wants an investigation as to whether Islamists have infiltrated the highest levels of the federal government. You know what's really frightening? After listening to Michele Bachmann, you realize idiots have infiltrated the highest levels of the federal government." –Jay Leno

"It's now being reported that Mitt Romney's campaign brought in 200 African American supporters to help cheer him on when he spoke at the NAACP meeting. And it cost him a lot of money because he had to fly them in from the Cayman Islands." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Out of force of habit, Mitt stashed it all in the Cayman Islands (Oligarchy Repair Kit)

July 2012

"Mitt Romney's campaign raised $35 million more than President Obama for the month of June. Out of force of habit, Mitt stashed it all in the Cayman Islands." –Jay Leno

"According to Mitt Romney's wife Ann, Mitt may be looking at a woman for Vice President. The bad news? They have John McCain doing the background check. That could be dicey." –Jay Leno 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I dare him to come to India and say that to my face (he is a lousy vampire hunter)

June 2012

"Obama called Romney a pioneer of outsourcing jobs. A spokesperson for Romney said, 'I dare him to come to India and say that to my face.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Political candidates have to be very inventive when it comes to fund-raising because there are federal laws. So Mitt Romney had a thing where if you would give him $50,000 you could spend the weekend with him. And for an extra $5,000 he will let you touch his hair." –David Letterman

"Republicans are now talking about President Obama, saying he's not much of a president. They're also saying he is a lousy vampire hunter." –David Letterman

"Scientists say over the next hundred years, the coast of California will sink almost five feet. So the presidential candidates need to do something. Mitt Romney is conflicted. On one hand, he denies that global warming exists. But if California is under water, he would definitely win the next election." –Craig Ferguson

"President Obama would be affected too. Because if there's no more Hawaii, where would he pretend to be born?" –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”