nothing to write home about (30 minutes later)

Chinese spy Fang Fang said that sex with Eric Swalwell was nothing to write home about. Even though as a spy that was her job. —Tom Shillue 

On one occasion, Swalwell said that he had sex with Fang Fang after he took Ambien. Swalwell says he barely remembers it, but he knows that he was hungry for more 30 minutes later. —Tom Shillue  

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You know, Siberia’s not so bad (the difference between a chalupa and a chimichanga)

A Russian spy plane was spotted over New Jersey. Yeah. The Russian pilot was overheard saying, “You know, Siberia’s not so bad.” –Conan O’Brien

"Mel Martinez, the Senate's only Hispanic Republican, announced he's stepping down. When asked why, Martinez said, 'I'm sick of the other Republicans asking me the difference between a chalupa and a chimichanga.'" --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I got to say, it's nice to see him pump something besides a Chinese spy (He's the real hero)

Kamala Harris announced that instead of running for governor of California, she'll publish a book titled 107 days. Some think it's about her presidential run, but it's actually the longest time Doug spent without banging a nanny. He's the real hero. —Greg Gutfeld

Finally, House Democrat Eric Swalwell responded to our segment about his cheesy workout video by challenging me to a bench press contest. I got to say, it's nice to see him pump something besides a Chinese spy. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

neatly folded and pressed (It's called a driver's license)

According to a new report Chinese spies have infiltrated Stanford University. This became very apparent when all the graduation gowns showed up neatly folded and pressed. —Greg Gutfeld

Oscar-winning actress Halle Berry says she doesn't know if a woman should ever play James Bond. After all women already have a license to kill. It's called a driver's license. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

which he obviously hadn't purchased until after he banged that Chinese spy (thermostats)

Michelle Obama admitted on her podcast that she fights with her husband over the thermostat. She wants it at 70 degrees while he wants it up his butt. —Greg Gutfeld

While arguing about a deported illegal criminal Eric Swallwell warned Kristi Noem that he has a bullsh*t detector, which he obviously hadn't purchased until after he banged that Chinese spy. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the portrait turned out to be a mirror (we heard about it from the Chinese spy he banged)

A painting of President Trump at the Colorado State capital will will be taken down after he claimed it was deliberately distorted. Meanwhile Nancy Pelosi also complained about her portrait, but then the portrait turned out to be a mirror. —Greg Gutfeld

Democrat Congressman Eric Swalwell is still outraged that a reporter was accidentally included on the Signal app conversation between Trump officials. Yeah, we heard about it from the Chinese spy he banged. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Coincidentally, on the same day Chris Christie addressed the International House of Pancakes (they are asking citizens to please spy on each other)

"President Obama addressed the U.N. today. Coincidentally, on the same day Chris Christie addressed the International House of Pancakes." –David Letterman

"Speaking of President Bush, did you see him last night at the big football game? It was the Giants and Cowboys down there in Texas. And President Bush did the coin toss at the start of the game. Now here's a bit of trivia. The coin that they used to start the game was the same coin that the Supreme Court tossed that won Bush the election." --David Letterman

"Even the NSA is out of business. And while they're closed, while the government is shut down, they are asking citizens to please spy on each other." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Now I'm not a mathematician, but if you take 33 and reverse it, isn't it still 33? (the shop floor)

 

"You can't blame Cheney. Bush says you can spy on people without warrants, you can torture people, you can hold people without a trial, so Dick Cheney thinks, 'Oh what the hell, I can shoot a few guys.'" --Jay Leno

"President Bush, this is what he said. He said he's not worried about his approval rating at 33% because he said he promises to reverse those numbers. Now I'm not a mathematician, but if you take 33 and reverse it, isn't it still 33?" -- Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hey, baby, want to come back to my place and burn 7 calories? (You know, Siberia’s not so bad)

A Russian spy plane was spotted over New Jersey. Yeah. The Russian pilot was overheard saying, “You know, Siberia’s not so bad.” –Conan O’Brien

A recent study found that sex burns about 3.5 calories per minute. It’s funny, because that was always my pickup line. Hey, baby, want to come back to my place and burn 7 calories? –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

So why did you get fired? (They hate being treated like the people who have to follow the laws)

"In a new ranking of U.S. presidents by 65 historians, President Bush came in fifth from the bottom. And here's the bad part -- the margin of error was five." --Jay Leno

"This is really unified in both parties. House Speaker Dennis Hastert has attacked the FBI for raiding the congressman's office, saying it was an abuse of power. Imagine the nerve of the FBI treating members of Congress like they are regular Americans. Can you imagine? If there's anything that people who make the laws hate is being treated like the people who have to follow the laws." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I just hope they're able to get up for work tomorrow (It's a really slow-moving line)

"I understand there's a lot of celebrating going on at Buckingham Palace right now. I just hope they're able to get up for work tomorrow." –Jay Leno

"This royal baby is third in line for the throne. To which Prince Charles said, 'It's a really slow-moving line.'" –Jay Leno

"Today the Republicans said this raid may have violated protections for congressmen that are spelled out in the Constitution. The Constitution? All of a sudden they found a copy? Where was this when they were spying on our phone calls?" --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That's the other side's nutball minister (Like at the Golden Globes/Insect burgers)

 

"The government is still analyzing Osama bin Laden's latest tape. On his most recent release he called Bush a liar and said that he was just after oil. It's the usual stuff we have heard before. Like at the Golden Globes." --Jay Leno

"Today, Barack Obama addressed some of the more controversial comments made by his longtime minister, Jeremiah Wright. The guy said some crazy stuff, like, gays caused 9/11, Hurricane Katrina was God's revenge for our sins. Oh, I'm sorry. That's Pat Robertson. That's the other side's nutball minister. I'm sorry. You know, there's so many nutball ministers in this thing, I'm confused as to which one is on which side." --Jay Leno

"President Bush and Chinese President Hu said that our two countries are growing closer. In his speech, President Hu said China is providing more democracy and freedom for its people and President Bush said our government is moving closer to China's system of spying on people without warrants and holding people in jail without trials. Also, we're talking about building a 'Great Wall.'"  --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The other 16% weren't aware Congress was doing one (That's how bad it is)

“Mitt Romney says he is not a creature of Washington. He has lived in the real streets of America. I believe it’s Easy Street, if I’m not mistaken. In fact, when Mitt Romney was young, he and his gang controlled their hood's hedge fund.” –Jay Leno

“It was a bad night for Newt Gingrich. In terms that Newt can understand, I think the voters told him they want to start seeing other candidates.” –Jay Leno

"A new poll says 84% of Americans disapprove of Congress' job. The other 16% weren't aware Congress was doing one." –Jay Leno

"The Olympics start Friday and Russia's implementing the most intensive security in Olympics history. The government will monitor every email. They will monitor every social media message and they will listen in on every phone call. In fact, people are now comparing Russia to the United States. That's how bad it is." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Let the chickens decide whether he finds them delicious (I’ve got the munchies for justice)

Colorado’s supreme court has disqualified Donald Trump from the ballot in the state, citing a little-known clause in the 14th amendment. You go, Colorado. Just goes to show you can make good decisions when you’re high. I’ve got the munchies for justice. —Stephen Colbert

Nevertheless, several conservative pundits took the airwaves to blast the decision as “anti-democratic”. Counterpoint: removing the guy who tried to overthrow a democratic election is actually pro-democratic. That’s like saying it’s anti-hen to keep the fox out of the henhouse. Let the chickens decide whether he finds them delicious. —Stephen Colbert

To be clear, the Colorado supreme court did not kick Trump off the ballot. The United States constitution kicked Trump off the ballot. The 14th amendment says if you try to destroy our democracy, you can’t come back and try again. It’s the same reason I’m not letting my appendix back into my abdomen, no matter how well it polls in Iowa. —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You don’t look one day over let’s change the subject (Well, good for you, sir!)

In other presidential news, aides for Joe Biden are reportedly worried about the president overextending himself at the age of 81 by “working long hours, or riding a bike, or nodding too hard, excessive blinking.” But Biden doesn’t see it that way. According to aides, the president frequently reports that he “feels so much younger than my age”. Well, good for you, sir! You don’t look one day over let’s change the subject. —Stephen Colbert

And despite being ordered by a Georgia court to pay a whopping $148 million to two election workers he defamed, Rudy Giuliani continued to repeat falsehoods about them outside the courthouse, on Newsmax and on Steve Bannon’s podcast. He says it everywhere he goes. He even said it to his current roommates, two seagulls on South Street Seaport. On Tuesday, the same election workers sued Giuliani again to permanently stop him from lying about them. Well, normally I would say don’t kick a man when he’s down, but in Rudy’s case, go for it! —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

You know things have gone sideways when you’re watching something and you’re thinking god, I wish Donald Trump was there (I feel it in my soul)

The Republican debate last night featured five candidates who look like they’re complaining to the manager at a Starbucks. The GOP ‘dopefuls’ were just happy to be on television. —Jimmy Kimmel

“Putting the Republican debate on opposite the C.M.A. awards — it makes no sense. It’s like putting lasagna up against a Swedish meatball.” — Jimmy Kimmel

The debate lineup – Vivek Ramaswamy, Nikki Haley, Tim Scott, Ron DeSantis and Chris Christie – notably did not include frontrunner Donald Trump. It’s a who’s who of who has no chance to beat Donald Trump. But for these five Republicans, the stakes were higher than lifts in a pair of Ron DeSantis’s boots. —Jimmy Kimmel

“It is ridiculous to have these debates without the frontrunner, the guy they’re trying to beat. I mean, you know things have gone sideways when you’re watching something and you’re thinking god, I wish Donald Trump was there.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Ivanka Trump testified in New York. Only in the Trump family does take your daughter to work day mean she’s forced to testify in court. Like her brothers, Ivanka pleaded ignorance, frequently answering with ‘I don’t recall’ – which is a phrase she picked up from her father when Eric asked when his birthday was.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And you know, typical ex-wives, they always make the guy look like the bad one (Promise/Reality)

"Yesterday in Louisiana, a judge denied an interracial couple a marriage license because he felt, I quote, their children would later suffer in life from being interracial. Like when they become president or win the Masters or get an Oscar." --Jay Leno

"Well here's some good terrorist gossip. Osama bin Laden's first wife has written a book about him. And you know, typical ex-wives, they always make the guy look like the bad one." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

David Letterman's Top Ten Signs the Government Is Spying On You (April 2009)

David Letterman's Top Ten Signs the Government Is Spying On You

10. Your kitty has a satellite dish on his head.

9. At the restaurant waiter urges, "Speak directly into the dinner rolls."

8. Your car's GPS unit has an awful lot of questions.

7. "Girl Scout" delivering your thin mints is 6’4”, 270.

6. Keep finding underpants labeled "Agent Morales."

5. Mailman warns you, "This conversation may be recorded for quality control purposes."

4. NSA sends over sexy lingerie they'd like your wife to wear.

3. You sing in the shower, a mysterious voice responds, "A little pitchy."

2. There's a Navy Seal hiding in your fish tank.

1. Several times a week, you get chloroformed, stuffed in a trunk and dumped in Mexico.

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Whatever you do, don't tell British Petroleum (please spy on each other)

"The good news is that scientists have found a giant Earth-like planet, and it may support human life. Whatever you do, don't tell British Petroleum." –David Letterman

"Even the NSA is out of business. And while they're closed, while the government is shut down, they are asking citizens to please spy on each other." –David Letterman

"Congratulations to Chelsea Clinton. Over the weekend, she gave birth to a baby girl. The baby girl will not confirm or deny whether she's running in 2056." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”