This was a rebuilding year (for the greater bad)

“I know you’re sad about this, Donald. I know you were really good this year. I know you only bombed 10 fishermen and one school, and I know you don’t care about the Nobel Prize, but somebody will get it. And you will be mortified to know that that someone will not be you tomorrow.” — Jimmy Kimmel, on President Trump’s interest in receiving the Nobel Peace Prize.

“Everything you need to know about Trump’s brain can be explained by the fact that he believes he should win a Nobel Prize for peace seven months after starting a war for no reason. Even history’s most notorious dictators — Genghis Khan himself would be like, ‘You know what? This was a rebuilding year. We’ll go for it next year.’” — Jimmy Kimmel 

This week also saw President Trump award the National Medal of Science to Elon Musk, which was deserved as no one has meddled more with our nation’s scientists than him. It’s so nice when two terrible people can put their differences aside for the greater bad. — Jimmy Kimmel 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

One Dalmatian (mostly because they miss their mommies)

Nike is reportedly planning job cuts as it forecasts lower sales. After hearing the news, Nike factory workers in Asia began crying, but mostly because they miss their mommies. —Kennedy 

Disney's new CEO just kicked off a new round of layoffs, cutting hundreds of workers. So, look for Disney's newest reboot, One Dalmatian. —Kennedy 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

But here's a weird part (they're still feuding over which one of them looks more homeless)

Well, this is grim. A crocodile head was found in a man's luggage at airport security. But here's a weird part. The luggage was made out of humans. —Greg Gutfeld 

So Bernie Sanders and Steve Bannon took the same stage where they both agreed on the dangers of artificial intelligence, but they're still feuding over which one of them looks more homeless. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

 “A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

STRONG AND SMART (High IQ!) PRESIDENT (Well, I feel better)

On Monday, President Trump dismissed concerns over A.I., posting on Truth Social: “The only control or ‘guardrails’ that AI needs is a STRONG AND SMART (High IQ!) PRESIDENT, and the U.S.A. has that, in spades!” Well, I feel better.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Trump was like, ‘[imitating Trump] I’d like to see ChatGPT pick out a zebra on the cognitive test. I mean, I don’t think — I don’t think so, buddy.’” — Jimmy Fallon

“We’re relying on Trump to beat A.I.; I don’t even think Trump can beat Wordle.” — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

 “A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It was the first time Trump’s been in a room where he was awake and everyone else was asleep (unpaid wages)

“If you believe Donald Trump is going to give you $5,000 if the Republicans win, I have a Mexican-paid wall, a privately-funded ballroom, and a three-day long Iran war to sell you, OK?” — Jimmy Kimmel

“Well, guys, the two-day Republican midterm convention just wrapped up, and last night, President Trump made a keynote address and spoke for nearly two hours. It was the first time Trump’s been in a room where he was awake and everyone else was asleep.” — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

 “A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And then there was the 622 times he said the word 'ham.' (a car alarm stuffed inside a rotting pumpkin)

"Chris Christie gave the keynote address. In his speech he said the word 'I' 37 times, 'Romney' 7 times, and 'jobs' only once. And then there was the 622 times he said the word 'ham.'" –Conan O'Brien

Both candidates are practicing for the debates, and according to insiders, Hillary Clinton is still trying to find a stand-in for Donald Trump. So far the best she’s come up with is a car alarm stuffed inside a rotting pumpkin. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Their win is my win! (Who is the real hero?)

I got a belt that's holding up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up my belt. I don't know what's really happening down there. Who is the real hero? --Mitch Hedberg

I went to the store and bought eight apples. The clerk said you want me to put them in a bag. I said no man, I juggle. But I can only juggle eight. If I am ever here and I buy nine apples, bag’em up. --Mitch Hedberg

I saw a commercial on late-night-tv that said forget everything you know about slipcovers. So I did, and it was a load off my mind. --Mitch Hedberg

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

 “A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What stage of capitalism is this? (Fairly simple thing that happens to work)

I'd like to talk about a few things that bring us together. Okay, things that emphasize our similarities instead of our differences, which is all you ever hear about in this country are differences. Politicians and the media are always pushing the things that separate us, things that make us different. That's the way the ruling class operates in any society. They divide the rest of the people, they keep the lower and the middle classes fighting with each other so that the rich can run off with all the fucking money. Fairly simple thing that happens to work. --George Carlin

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

 “A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

just to be safe, the golfers got changed in their cars (always try and make it interesting)

President Trump attended the U.S. Women’s Open Golf Tournament this weekend, so just to be safe, the golfers got changed in their cars. –Seth Meyers

A new survey shows 30 percent of Americans believe legalizing marijuana will make driving less safe. Though marijuana users believe that legalization will make driving less likely. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Which answers the question: what's the only job worse than disposing of nuclear waste (every night is ladies night)

According to MSNBC Britney Spears recently hired a person to keep an eye on Kevin Federline 24 hours a day. Which answers the question: what's the only job worse than disposing of nuclear waste. --Conan O’Brien 5/4/2006

Bill Clinton's presidential library opened yesterday and it costs $7 to get in. On the bright side every night is ladies night. --Conan O’Brien 11/9/2004

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

you can't judge a book by its cover (he might start dating it)

"Kim Kardashian is here tonight because she has a new book out.

It's called 'Selfish.' It is 400 pages of pictures she took of herself.

You know how you can't judge a book by its cover? This one you

can." –Jimmy Kimmel

President Trump’s approval rating has sunk to near-historic lows. According to a new Quinnipiac poll, his approval rating is down to 36 percent. If it gets down to the 20s he might start dating it. –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s surprisingly wrinkly (more radiant than ever)

Over the weekend, Iran responded to Trump’s proposal with a list of demands that included reparations for the war and full control over the strait of Hormuz. Tehran also said that it as willing to suspend development of its nuclear program but for a shorter time than the 20 years requested by Trump. Twenty years isn’t even that long,” laughed Colbert. “Anne Hathaway looks exactly the same. And if anything, Meryl Streep, Stanley Tucci and Emily Blunt are more radiant than ever.” —Stephen Colbert

The president spent this weekend’s Mother’s Day posting a slew of AI-generated images: some showed Trump surrounded by pink hearts while another proclaimed him “the greatest of all time”. He’s also engaging in some recreational idolatry. There is a new 22ft Trump statue at his Miami golf club. [It’s] surprisingly wrinkly. They forgot to steam out his pants, his shirt and his face. —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

this Sunday you're probably going to see a giant bunny (It was actually my wife’s idea)

"This year's Easter Sunday happens to fall on the same day as the marijuana holiday, 4/20. Which means no matter what your religion, this Sunday you're probably going to see a giant bunny." –Conan O'Brien

It was reported today that President Trump has been pushing for women's health programs that are based on abstinence. Trump said, "It was actually my wife’s idea…" --Conan O’Brien

Yesterday, Donald Trump threatened to send federal troops to Chicago. The weird part is, not the city, the band Chicago. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Now you tell me (it's cheaper to fire people in bulk)

"Experts say that what happened in Egypt proves that countries in

the Middle East can move toward democracy without the U.S.

invading them. George W. Bush said, 'Now you tell me.'"

–Jay Leno

"Wal-Mart announced it's cutting over 11,000 jobs. Wal-Mart said it's cheaper to fire people in bulk." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

it was Take Your Daughter to Work Day (Was it multiple choice?)

According to a new poll, 29% of people believe President Trump is

a good role model for children. What?! [shows picture of Trump,

Harvey Weinstein, Kevin Spacey] Was it multiple choice?

--Seth Meyers

A matador in Spain is under investigation after a video surfaced of

him bullfighting while holding his 5-month-old baby girl in his

arms. But to be fair, it was Take Your Daughter to Work Day.

–Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I thought Brian Stelter worked at CNN (you should see where he stuffs the candles)

Joy Reid said when she worked at MSNBC, she'd go to the gym and there'd be someone naked in the locker room who had boobies drooping to their knees. What? I thought Brian Stelter worked at CNN. —Greg Gutfeld

A Swedish man set a Guinness World Record by stuffing 81 matches up his nose. Even more impressive, you should see where he stuffs the candles. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It is the only place in the world where robbers get to keep the money (it's not the heat that gets you, it's the stupidity)

"Mitt Romney says if he is elected he will create 12 million new jobs in his first year in office – and that's just for people to do his taxes." –Jay Leno

"Tom DeLay will still get to collect over a million dollars in congressional pension money. This is what's so great about Congress. It is the only place in the world where robbers get to keep the money." --Jay Leno

"July was the hottest month on record in Washington, D.C. But it's not the heat that gets you; it's the stupidity." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It will be so much easier to get the glitter off (he prefers to bathe in a car wash)

And yet another great move on behalf of everyday Americans, President Trump signed an executive order that reverses a Biden regulation and allows more water pressure in showers. However they claim this will have no effect on Jerry Nadler who prefers to bathe in a car wash. —Greg Gutfeld

So as Democrats deface cars, call people Nazis and pretend that Taylor Swift is more than a five, what's Trump been up to? Making showers great again. Trump's literally making it rain removing limits on water pressure from shower heads. This is great news for me. It will be so much easier to get the glitter off. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Lies the rich and corporations tell (one hot chick at a time)

The FBI put a gag order about Hunter Biden's laptop to prevent agents from revealing the truth. Coincidentally Gag Order was the name of most of the videos on Hunter's laptop. By the way Hunter willfully gave up his law license. This makes sense. You want a lawyer who cracks open his briefcase not opens his briefcase for crack. —Greg Gutfeld

Our current press built half the Manhattan skyline and without those buildings where could the left protest. Then we got the world’s richest guy, who also rescues astronauts and helps the paralyzed walk and other stuff that I do on the weekends. He's even tackling the decline in the world's population one hot chick at a time. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

it would break through the wall like the Kool-Aid man (distracted by The White Lotus)

Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth, whose group text on Signal regarding the administration’s plans to bomb Houthi targets in Yemen accidentally included Atlantic editor Jeffrey Goldberg. Back in my day if you were a journalist who wanted leaked war documents, you had to work the sources, meet them in a dark garage, earn the trust, pound the pavement. Now? Just wait for the national security adviser to be distracted by The White Lotus while he’s setting up his Bomb Yemen group chat. —Jon Stewart

The Trump administration has put sensitive military information in a group chat with journalist Jeffrey Goldberg. In other words, our national security is being guarded by a bunch of doofs you wouldn’t trust to throw your cousin a surprise party. No one on the chain thought to ask: ‘Who is JG? What are these initials?’ They could’ve been leaking secrets to Jeff Goldblum, for all they knew. If Joe Biden’s top military team accidentally texted these plans to a journalist, Laura Ingraham’s erection would be so rock strong, it would break through the wall like the Kool-Aid man. —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”