See what you can accomplish when you don't have Congress standing in your way? (Just Like that)

"Pope Francis is considering repealing celibacy for priests. Priests will no longer have to take a vow of celibacy. See what you can accomplish when you don't have Congress standing in your way?" –David Letterman

"If you are attending this campaign cookout in Iowa, please, this is sort of like the running of the bulls in Pamplona. Do not get between governor Christie and the potato salad." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Or, as Congress calls it, 'competition.' (they usually lie anywhere from 85 percent to 95 percent of the time)

"Do you know why they're moving? Because some members of Congress have started investigating Halliburton for over-billing and for taking too much of American taxpayers' money for doing too little work. Or, as Congress calls it, 'competition.'" --Jay Leno

"BP is now saying they've captured anywhere from 35 percent to 75 percent of the oil that is gushing out of the well. Of course, you've got to keep in mind they usually lie anywhere from 85 percent to 95 percent of the time." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He's already there, it's called Congress (and five senators fell out)

"A vacancy on the Supreme Court. This is something we haven't seen in awhile. Let's just hope the president is better at picking a justice than the justices were at picking a president." --Jay Leno

"Congressman Anthony Weiner has just checked himself into a treatment centre for people battling chronic sexual dysfunction. Checked in? He's already there, it's called Congress." –Jay Leno  6/13/2011

"Last week, President Obama gave a speech in New York City about his plan to reform these rules on Wall Street, you know? And one embarrassing moment. When the head of Goldman Sachs was going through security, he was asked to empty his pockets and five senators fell out." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

it's a classic case of he said, she said, she said, she said, she said, and she said (he's been sprayed with mace)

 

 

So, on Tuesday, California Congressman Eric Swalwell resigned from Congress. As a result, Chinese flags were flown at half mast. —Greg Gutfeld    

Just a heads up, if you see Swalwell with red, watery eyes, it's not because he's been crying about his resignation. It's because he's been sprayed with mace. —Greg Gutfeld    

Swalwell vows, however, that he'll fight the most serious charges, saying it's a classic case of he said, she said, she said, she said, she said, and she said. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 
and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

So, what's stopping you from living your best life? (God willing, he offers to take us back)

 

It was announced that when King Charles visits the U.S. this month, he will deliver a joint address to Congress, where, God willing, he offers to take us back. —Michael Che    

A video has surfaced in which a quadruple amputee cornhole champion accused of a road-rage shooting is seen firing a semi-automatic rifle and standing on his head snorting drugs off a dollar bill. So, what's stopping you from living your best life? —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 
and Orwell’s 1984.”
 

He’s a big talker! He yaps (Your government despises you)

Tuesday was just another crazy day here in the United States of America! The president promised, then called off, destructive attacks in Iran by 8pm that evening. Probably the most dangerous episode of the Celebrity Apprentice yet. We’re coming to you from Los Angeles for the local time’s just after 5pm, which was Trump’s deadline for Iran to ‘Open the F-ing strait or you’ll be living in hell.’ 

Trump gave a hard cut-off time of right now. And then this morning he wrote, ‘A whole civilization will die tonight, never to be brought back again,’ in a post on his social media platform Truth Social. You realize that this is the same man who was just bitching about losing the Nobel peace prize? Now he’s threatening a civilization with death. He went from Mahatma Gandhi to General Zod like that. So all day today everyone, most notably the people of Iran, were wondering if their civilization was going to die tonight. 

Well, good news, it didn’t. It was the Taco Tuesday of all Taco Tuesdays. Our president decided not to drop the chalupa for at least another two weeks. This is how it goes every single time Trump says something insane. He says, ‘I’m going to kill everybody tomorrow at 5pm.’ Then we all freak out and then he backs off. He’s like, ‘You know what? Actually, I’ll kill everyone in two weeks.’ 

Then we relax, and then he forgets he ever said it in the first place. He has the memory and the skin color of a goldfish. Perhaps the worst part was how relaxed the congressional Republicans are about it. He threatens to annihilate a civilization, they’re like ‘Well, you know how he is. He’s a big talker! He yaps.’ —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I just couldn't take it anymore (but he couldn't find it)

Donald Trump's plane made an emergency landing in Nashville yesterday after reporting engine problems. When asked what the issue was, the pilot said, "Nothing, I just couldn't take it anymore.” –Jimmy Fallon

"George W. Bush will open an art exhibit at his presidential library that will feature portraits he painted of various world leaders. He was going to include a painting of bin Laden, but he couldn't find it." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Is there a doctor in the house? (everyone knows that money was earmarked for Somalian thieves)

An indicted House Democrat could be expelled from Congress. She allegedly stole millions in COVID funds and everyone knows that money was earmarked for Somalian thieves. —Greg Gutfeld

A Secret Service agent guarding Jill Biden shot himself in the leg at the Philly at the Philly airport on Friday. When he screamed, "Is there a doctor in the house?" Jill said yes and quickly started reading him a children's book. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He was America's original Willie Nelson (These are all bad examples)

"Not such a great day for health care reform. The so-called public option died on the Senate floor today. It could have survived, but apparently it had a pre-existing condition." –Craig Ferguson

"People sometimes forget that George Washington was very rich, had a pony tail, and grew hemp on his farm. He was America's original Willie Nelson." –Craig Ferguson

"It was Game 1 of the World Series tonight. The Kansas City Royals haven't been in the World Series since 1985. Things were very different back then. Tensions were high with Russia, Congress locked up in partisan bickering, and my career was in the dumps. These are all bad examples." –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Imagine how much they could do if we got rid of all of them? (especially if people talk on them while driving)

"Speaking of that, a Fox News crew was shot at on live TV as they revealed detailed information about Israeli troop movements. Now we're not 100% sure who did the shooting, but the interesting part is the shooting stopped as soon as they found out Geraldo wasn't there." --Jay Leno

"The payroll tax extension passed the House and Senate by unanimous consent. This was a procedural move allowing it to pass, even though most members of congress were already home for the holidays. They weren't even there! Only 12 people out of 535 were there and they got it done. Imagine how much they could do if we got rid of all of them?" –Jay Leno

"Earlier today, President Bush vetoed funding for stem cell research. See, I don't think he really understands these issues. President Bush said today, 'Stem cells may be dangerous, especially if people talk on them while driving.'" --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Their ratings were terrible (For My Next Act)

"We have a new Congress starting today. The 114th Congress convened today in our nation's capital. I thought Congress got canceled after last season. Their ratings were terrible." –Jimmy Kimmel

There's a website called Fact Base that did an analysis of the first 30,000 words spoken in office by every U.S. president since Herbert Hoover. So they loaded all the speeches into a computer, and what their software found is that President Trump speaks at a fourth-grade level, lower than any president they've ever measured. Herbert Hoover is at the top, 11th grade level. Obama was in third place with ninth grade. And then, way all the way in the back of the class in the fourth grade, there's Donald Trump. Remember that show "Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader"? He's not. --Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well, guess I'm sleeping till noon (Mickey's Enchanted Morgue)

At the White House health meeting, Dr. Oz recommended drinking alcohol in moderation, adding, "Don't have it for breakfast." Well, guess I'm sleeping till noon, said Kamala Harris. —Greg Gutfeld

86-year-old Maryland Representative Steny Hoyer said he will not seek re-election after serving more than 44 years in Congress. His announcement was met with applause, which turned off his lamps. —Greg Gutfeld

On Friday, yet another body was discovered at Disney World, the sixth to be found since October. But the good news, at Disney, for an extra $99, the deceased can skip the line, and fast track to Mickey's Enchanted Morgue. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Yeah, gotta go with the Taliban on this one (Nope — just butts)

A Harvard psychologist who studies dreams recently said that dogs likely dream of our faces, our scents, and trying to please us. Then the dogs said, "Nope — just butts." –Jimmy Fallon

"Nobody’s happy about the government shutdown. In fact, the Taliban just issued a statement where they criticized Congress for putting themselves before everyone else. You know things are bad when Americans are saying, 'Yeah, gotta go with the Taliban on this one.'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Congress has an approval rating of just 16 percent (My last name? It's not important)

"Jeb Bush announced on the Internet that he is exploring a 2016 bid for president. And to increase his chances, he's going to run as just 'Jeb.' He said, 'My last name? It's not important.'" –Seth Meyers

"After closing their final session, the outgoing 113th Congress has an approval rating of just 16 percent. To give you some perspective, Bill Cosby is at 17." –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

there is a right way and a wrong way to polish sterling silver (Apparently, they didn't share it with the rest of us)

"The George W. Bush library design was unveiled this week by former First Lady Laura Bush. Did you know that she was a librarian when she first met George? Did you know that? In fact, she's the only thing he ever checked out of a library." –Jay Leno

"There are 249 millionaires in Congress. Remember a couple of years ago when this new Congress told us they had the solution to the recession? Apparently, they didn't share it with the rest of us." –Jay Leno

"A dead body was discovered this week on the grounds of a country estate owned by Queen Elizabeth. The queen said today she hopes this serves as a reminder to anybody on her staff that there is a right way and a wrong way to polish sterling silver." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It was not a member of Congress (to me, that's funny)

Matt Damon was nominated for best actor for "The Martian," also nominated for best musical or comedy. Some people are complaining that "The Martian" isn't a musical or a comedy. I disagree. It's definitely not a musical, but the idea of Matt Damon being left for dead on another planet, to me, that's funny. –Jimmy Kimmel

"Time magazine named their person of the year today. It was not a member of Congress." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It was such a landslide, Trump might actually be able to rebury the Epstein files under it (Quiet, piggy)

“Mr. President, I admire your tenacity. If you’re watching tonight, which I presume you are, how about this: I’ll go when you go, OK? We’ll be a team. Let’s ride off into the sunset together like Butch Cassidy and the Suntan Kid. And until then, if I may borrow a phrase from you: Quiet, piggy.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“Yesterday, both the House and Senate voted to release the long-withheld files related to a man who considered himself to be Trump’s closest friend for more than a decade, the late sex criminal Jeffrey Epstein. The vote in Congress went 427-1. It was such a landslide, Trump might actually be able to rebury the Epstein files under it.” — Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What walks on two cankles in the morning, rides a golf cart in the afternoon and is totally in the Epstein files? (Oval Office chimney)

On Tuesday, Congress approved a bill ordering the Justice Department to release all files related to its investigation of Jeffrey Epstein, the sex offender whose famous friends over the years included Donald J. Trump. Of course, this vote doesn’t mean the Epstein files will be released right away. The bill now has to go to the Senate, where it may be amended. And if it’s passed there, and amended, it would go back to the House, where it has to cross a river, and under the bridge is a troll, and to get by the troll, you have to answer his riddle: ‘What walks on two cankles in the morning, rides a golf cart in the afternoon and is totally in the Epstein files?’ — Stephen Colbert

“After the vote was passed to release the Epstein files, white smoke emerged from the Oval Office chimney — ’cause Trump started burning them.” — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

But the good news is Congress is still getting paid (10 percent)

"To be honest, I didn't notice the government was shut down today. But the 800,000 government employees who had their hours cut or jobs taken away definitely did. But the good news is Congress is still getting paid." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A CNN poll showed that the Congress approval rating is down to 10 percent. That still doesn't seem low enough. Do one out of 10 people really approve of the job Congress is doing? And who are these people? I want to work for them." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

How about for each day of the shutdown, they release one name from the Epstein list? (the Grey’s Anatomy’of government shutdowns)

“Well, guys, after Congress failed to reach a spending deal, the government shut down for the first time since 2018. Yeah, as a result, all nonessential government workers will be sent home without pay. Today, President Trump looked at JD Vance and said, ‘[imitating Trump] JD, I’ll see you in a couple of weeks.’” — Jimmy Fallon

Thursday marked the second day of the government shutdown. No one has any idea how long it will last. People are calling it the ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ of government shutdowns. —Jimmy Fallon

“If this does last awhile, I think they should at least make it fun for the rest of us, right? I mean, how about for each day of the shutdown, they release one name from the Epstein list?” — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”