He once experienced the same thing in the Oval Office (Know Your Enemy)

"President Bush made a surprise visit to Iraq today. It lasted five hours. Five hours? That's longer than he stayed at any National Guard meetings." --Jay Leno

"Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said al-Zarqawi was 'mean, vicious, and hateful.' So you know what that means? Ann Coulter could be next." --Jay Leno

 

"Dick Cheney is currently vacationing in Wyoming this week. I understand today he shot an elk. He also shot two Shriners, a Jaycee and a Moose." --Jay Leno

"Chris Wallace was really taken aback. He was stunned. He talked about it afterwards. He said at one point, when Bill Clinton lunged at him, he felt like a mountain was coming down in front of him. Ironically, Clinton once experienced the same thing in the Oval Office." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hillary came in third — behind a bag of weed (he did bring enough for everyone)

Bernie Sanders won last night's Oregon Democratic primary and this was a surprise. Hillary came in third — behind a bag of weed. –Seth Meyers

Police in Philadelphia are investigating after a 5-year-old boy walked into his preschool class holding about two dozen vials of crack cocaine. In the kid's defense, he did bring enough for everyone. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I was too busy sleeping with your mom (faking it)

Michael Cohen’s lawyers argued that in exchange for his cooperation with Robert Mueller, Cohen should be spared prison for crimes he committed in an “abundance of enthusiasm for Trump.” So unlike the women he paid off for Trump, Cohen wasn’t faking it. --Stephen Colbert

On Saturday, Trump tweeted, “I had to fire General Flynn because he lied to the vice president and the FBI.” OK, here’s the thing — Trump’s not supposed to have known Flynn lied to the FBI. Because, the day after he fired Flynn, FBI Director James Comey says Trump told him to go easy on Flynn. That would be an admission to obstruction of justice. It’s like when you’re trying to get out of one lie and you accidentally tell a much worse lie. “Baby, I couldn’t have been texting with my ex last night, I was too busy sleeping with your mom.” –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Never Give Up (that wasn’t the country he was mad at)

President Trump is now depressed given his falling approval rating and the war in Iran, he assembled team circle jerk for an emergency tongue bath. The president pulled members of his cabinet for a meeting in which they told him how great he is, even if you don’t like Bill Clinton, at least when his staff blew him, he didn’t make us watch. —Jimmy Kimmel

One of the attenders was former Fox News host and defense secretary Pete Hegseth, who is a bigger screwup than Eric, after he had to cancel the deployment of troops in Poland when he received an angry phone call from Trump saying that wasn’t “the country he was mad at”. Instead it was Germany. The Poles were angry and confused and joked “what a time to be alive” with Hegseth and Kash Patel, the FBI director, literally making drunk history every day. —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You Sure This Is Legal? Institute (keeping it and expanding it wherever possible)

This week, CIA Director John Ratcliffe traveled to Cuba, which has run out of oil and is experiencing massive blackouts. We sent the CIA director because the FBI guy is also experiencing massive blackouts. —Colin Jost

Health Secretary RFK Jr., said during an Oval Office event, that, in 1970, men had twice the sperm count as our teenagers do today. The teenage sperm counts were measured at the You Sure This Is Legal? Institute. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

so strong you won't be able to see straight (prom season)

The Supreme Court temporarily restored mail-order access to abortion pills, citing prom season. —Michael Che

President Trump dismissed weapons fire between the U.S. and Iran as a "love tap." He also called gas prices "gentle sodomy.” —Michael Che

FBI Director Kash Patel has reportedly been giving out bottles of his personalized whiskey to FBI staff. Kash Patel Whiskey -- so strong you won't be able to see straight. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

about the brisket I'm smoking (employee of the month)

 

Florida authorities have arrested a Taco Bell employee for allegedly firing a gun at a customer who filled up their water cup with soda. Police are calling the man unstable, and Taco Bell are calling him employee of the month. —Seth Meyers

“This Cinco de Mayo is extra special because it happens to fall on Taco Tuesday. Taco Bell is offering free Crunchwrap Supremes, and 7-Eleven has a Bogo on burritos. And I’m guessing if you eat more than one 7-Eleven burrito, you Bogo-ing to the hospital.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

He went right home, where his wife repeatedly kicked him in the testicles (with all the stress, he's gonna need to blow off some steam)

"It hasn't been a great week for Governor Eliot Spitzer. This is a guy who built a career crusading against corruption. He got caught on an FBI wiretap arranging for a $1,000-an-hour prostitute. Spitzer is named as 'Client #9.' Allegedly, Client #9 wired money to something called the Emperor's Club, which is an online service that provides high-end hookers to upscale gentlemen like my Uncle Frank. Client #9 deposited $4,300 into his account and then he had a two-hour interlude with a prostitute name 'Kristen.' Which I think means he has two thousand dollars of credit left over. That'll come in handy -- with all the stress, he's gonna need to blow off some steam." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Eliot Spitzer held a press conference yesterday, where he apologized to his constituents and to his family. He didn't take questions. He went right home, where his wife repeatedly kicked him in the testicles." --Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

How would you like it if I signed your … subpoenas? (backhanded compliments)

President Trump visited Elvis Presley’s Graceland mansion in Memphis, Tennessee, where he signed a guitar with a Sharpie. “I’m sorry, you can’t sign someone else’s guitar. How would you like it if I signed your … subpoenas?” —Seth Meyers

At a roundtable event while he was in Memphis, Trump praised the FBI director, Kash Patel, and said: “Once you get to know him, he’s a wonderful guy.” Man, Trump is the master of the backhanded compliment. [Meyers as Trump]: “Kash Patel, when you first meet him, he’s the worst, just awful, but then you get used to him, you know like when you break your arm and have to wear a cast.” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He was bitten by a radioactive douchebag (That unborn child is Luke Skywalker)

Republicans are blaming President Obama for creating Donald Trump. While others say he was created in a lab when a young real estate developer was bitten by a radioactive douchebag. –Conan O’Brien

"I'm upset that friend of the show Mike Huckabee criticized Natalie Portman for having a child out of wedlock. Listen, I'm no fan of unwed mothers either, but this is Natalie Portman we're talking about. That unborn child is Luke Skywalker." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Minister of Loneliness (War, Uh... Finds a way)

"Listen to this: In 2009, the F.B.I. reported a 20 percent decrease in the number of people robbing banks. There was, however, a huge increase in the number of banks robbing people." –Jimmy Fallon

The U.K. just appointed a “Minister of Loneliness,” as if Morrissey isn’t enough. --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

he just asked Congress for a $10 million budget increase for the NCIS team (we can finally call it even)

There was an article over the weekend that revealed that Donald Trump spends between four and eight hours a day watching television . . . A day! Speaking as someone who hosts a television show, that is too much TV. I don't want to say Trump watches too much TV, but he just asked Congress for a $10 million budget increase for the NCIS team. –James Corden

The Dakota Access oil pipeline, which the Sioux tribe has been protesting for months, will no longer be routed through their land. It’s a big win for Native Americans — and if the next 9 billion things go their way, we can finally call it even. –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The weird thing is, 11 of them were made by Dick Cheney (Amazon Primo)

A couple ordered a package from Amazon and included with their

stuff was 65 pounds of marijuana. It was only then that the couple

realized that they’d accidentally signed up for “Amazon Primo.”

–Conan O’Brien

"Former President Bush is writing his memoirs and he says they will focus on 12 major decisions he made in his life. The weird thing is, 11 of them were made by Dick Cheney." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

You know that queasy feeling when your phone battery is at one percent? (It's a Wonderful Life)

“Well, guys, Congress failed to reach an agreement on a spending deal, and now, we’re just a few minutes away from a government shutdown. Yeah. You know that queasy feeling when your phone battery is at one percent? That’s our government right now.” — Jimmy Fallon

“Yep, this’ll be the first government shutdown since 2018 — not including Joe Biden at the debate.” — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Yes, I don't (What Would Jesus Do)

We have got Kevin Bacon on the show tonight! Alexis Bledel is here. She is in "The Handmaid's Tale" with Elisabeth Moss, who was in "Girl Interrupted" with Winona Ryder, who was in "Reality Bites" with Ben Stiller, who was in "Zoolander" with Will Ferrell, who was in "Stepbrothers" with John C. Reilly, who was in "The River Wild" with … Kevin Bacon! --Jimmy Fallon

Former FBI Director James Comey was interviewed on ABC last night, and he said that Trump often changes his story and contradicts himself. In response, Trump said, "Yes, I don't." --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

See kids, sometimes dreams do come true (Colbert's tears)

Yesterday, New York Governor Kathy Hochul declared a state of emergency in NYC due to severe flooding. Still not sure if it was caused by the rain or Stephen Colbert's tears. —Greg Gutfeld

Speaking of, last night Kamala Harris was on Colbert's show and told Stephen that quote, "Growing up, she never wanted to be the president." See kids, sometimes dreams do come true. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Frankenstein with an ACL tear (and you never hear sh*t about the other 50 areas)

“Maga is trying to reconcile their loyalty to Trump and their demand to see the Epstein files,” as Trump lashes out at Republicans asking for more information, such as Kentucky representative Thomas Massie, who introduced a House resolution ordering the justice department and the FBI to release “all unclassified records, documents, communications, and investigative materials” in their possession. Trump blasted Massie online, calling him “lazy and slow-moving” – which are obviously the most accurate ways to describe Donald Trump. He moves like his entire diet consists of eucalyptus leaves. Even a Trump fan can’t deny that he lumbers like Frankenstein with an ACL tear. —Seth Meyers

“Trump is so scared of whatever is in those files, the Republicans have decided that instead of voting, they should just all go home. The House speaker, Mike Johnson, sent Congress home on an early summer recess to avoid any vote on the issue. The more you try to hide something, the more people want to see what it is. That’s why people still talk about Area 51, and you never hear shit about the other 50 areas.” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

all the king’s men couldn’t hide who Dumpty humped with his friend (Choose the Exit)

“It’s a great day to be me, because I am not Donald Trump. That guy has got a lot of problems. First of all, the Jeffrey Epstein scandal just won’t ‘kill itself.’ And we might have a hint why Trump hasn’t been that eager to release those files. According to Dick Durbin, a Democratic senator from Illinois, a thousand FBI agents were put on 24-hour shifts in March to review approximately 100,000 records related to Epstein and flag any mentions of Trump. That is a suspiciously Herculean effort. All the king’s horses and all the king’s men couldn’t hide who Dumpty humped with his friend.” —Stephen Colbert

Now even Maga is demanding answers – 11 congressional Republicans have said they will join Democrats to vote to release the Epstein files, making a majority in Congress. In response, speaker Mike Johnson shut down the House until September to block the vote. You cannot blame Trump and his allies for being scared here, because the more we know about Trump’s relationship to Epstein, the more we wish we didn’t. —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What's next, a tax on rainbows? (if all of them were Fredo)

"As part of a plan to close his state's budget deficit, New York Governor David Paterson is proposing a tax on Internet pornography. You see, this is why we can't have blind governors. I mean, no offense, but of course he's going to tax pornography. If he can't enjoy it, nobody can. What's next, a tax on rainbows?" --Jimmy Kimmel


Donald Jr. hired a lawyer yesterday. This lawyer, in the past, represented members of the mafia. That actually makes sense — the Trumps are like the Corleone family, if all of them were Fredo. –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

every day feels like you’re being humped (vas deferens)

The latest polls show that Hillary Clinton is tied with Donald Trump. Ever since the damning FBI report about Hillary Clinton's private email servers came out, her poll numbers have not looked good. Though the truth is she may have much better numbers hidden on her private server. We don't know. –Stephen Colbert

“According to one urologist, before the Supreme Court’s ruling he received four or five vasectomy requests a day. But since the decision, that number has spiked to 12 to 18. Makes sense. The most effective forms of birth control for men are abstinence and vasectomies. They have a similar result, but there’s a vas deferens.” —Stephen Colbert

“I think it’s Wednesday. It’s hard to tell, because every day feels like you’re being humped.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”