I always buy store-brand ketchup (Is this about that speeding ticket?)

"Mitt Romney is worth $250 million. I saw him interviewed and they said, 'Mitt, how did you get so much money?" He said, "You know what? I always buy store-brand ketchup.'" –David Letterman

"Osama bin Laden once got a speeding ticket in Pakistan. This guy had no respect for the law! When SEAL Team 6 broke into the house, he said to them, 'Is this about that speeding ticket?'" –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

it’s because they just got linked to Jeffrey Epstein (Trump’s approval rating)

Trump’s approval rating is worse than Obama’s lowest, and worse than Bill Clinton’s lowest. After hearing this, Trump promised to hunt down bin Laden and sleep with an intern. –Jimmy Fallon

“Actually, I got a little choked up watching Richard Branson’s flight. It always warms my heart to see billionaires achieve their dreams. I was happy for him, though. Normally when a billionaire flies away faster than the speed of sound, it’s because they just got linked to Jeffrey Epstein.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

For eight years it was like being passed over by the Angel of Duh (he would have spent his whole second term in a Batman costume)

"That’s one nice thing I got to say about George W. Bush, he never visited Los Angeles. For eight years it was like being passed over by the Angel of Duh." --Bill Maher, regarding traffic in Los Angeles when Obama is in town

"Could you imagine what Bush would have done if he had gotten bin Laden? I mean, this is a guy who played dress-up and landed on boats. If Bush had gotten bin Laden, he would have spent his whole second term in a Batman costume." –Bill Maher

"Team Romney is misspelling words all over the map. They misspelled America, they misspelled the word official, they misspelled Reagan. I think we are going to find out that Mitt is actually dyslexic and his name is Tim." –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well, there goes my Christmas card idea (people feel the same way about Facebook as they do about the McRib)

"President Obama said he will not release the photo of Osama bin Laden's dead body. Well, there goes my Christmas card idea." –Jimmy Fallon

Most Americans said they still like Facebook, but they don't trust it. So basically, people feel the same way about Facebook as they do about the McRib. --Jimmy Fallon

"George W. Bush and Bill Clinton sat next to each other at the big game. Clinton congratulated UConn on its big win, while Bush gave Kentucky a 'Mission Accomplished' banner." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well, that's what you get for traveling during volcano season (Boy, you think you know somebody)

"The SEAL Team 6 broke into his compound and Osama bin Laden never knew what hit him. It's like a Kardashian husband." –David Letterman

I did some historical research today. Adolf Hitler, it turns out, was delinquent in his income taxes. He owed over $3 million in taxes. Boy, you think you know somebody. –David Letterman

"Is anyone here stranded because of the volcano? Well, that's what you get for traveling during volcano season." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Who among us hasn't had a couple of drinks and invaded Iraq? (that and poor customer service)

"Since Osama bin Laden was killed, they say the brand name of Al Qaeda has been damaged. Osama bin Laden's death has damaged the brand — that and poor customer service." –David Letterman

"President Bush is everywhere talking about his book and he's being very candid. In one interview, he said that he used to do stupid things while he was drunk. But think about it, who among us hasn't had a couple of drinks and invaded Iraq?" –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

opening up our public lands for drilling (Second, of course, is...)

"A family values conservative Republican from Indiana, Mark Souder, has admitted to having an affair with a woman on his staff. Apparently Souder would take this woman to remote locations inside state parks and have sex with her. See, this is what Republicans mean when they talk about opening up our public lands for drilling." –Jay Leno

"Earlier today, British Petroleum began this operation known as 'top kill,' which comes on the heels of their previous operations, 'fish kill' and 'bird kill.'" –Jay Leno

"Experts say the Osama bin Laden death photo will be the most viewed image in history. Second, of course, is Sharon Stone from 'Basic Instinct.'" –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

it's an exciting time to be in the commemorative plate business (My Bad)

"The title of Bush's memoir is 'Decision Points." It narrowly edged out his original title, which was 'My Bad.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"The identity of the Navy Seals that killed Osama bin Laden is being kept secret. It's for their own safety. It's to keep them from being high-fived to death." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Between the death of bin Laden and the royal wedding, it's an exciting time to be in the commemorative plate business." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Oh, great. NOW what's Oprah going to do for her last guest? (183 times)

"When I heard bin Laden had been killed I went, 'Oh, great. NOW what's Oprah going to do for her last guest?'" –David Letterman

"Dick Cheney, the former vice president, said that President Obama went too far with the jokes at the correspondents' dinner. By too far, does Cheney mean like waterboarding a guy 183 times?" --David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I love all living things, but that guy was a d*ck (attorney-Meat Loaf privilege)

One of President Trump's accusers is trying to subpoena recordings of Trump from "The Apprentice." However, Trump's legal team has refused, citing "attorney-Meat Loaf privilege." --Conan O’Brien

"Last night the Dalai Lama implied that the killing of Osama bin Laden was justified. I think his exact quote was, 'I love all living things, but that guy was a dick.'" –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

She’s my favorite Teenage Witch (the best episode of Maury Povich EVER)

The Russia investigation is heating up. I saw that if Trump’s lawyers don’t agree to a sit-down interview with Robert Mueller, he’ll issue a subpoena. Trump was like, “No problem, I love Subpoena. She’s my favorite Teenage Witch.” --Jimmy Fallon

"Today Mitt Romney visited a firehouse here in New York City. Of course, he was disappointed when he learned that the firehouse is not where you get to fire people." –Jimmy Fallon

"Osama bin Laden was killed by Navy Seals yesterday. They did DNA testing to make sure it was Bin Laden. Or as I call it, the best episode of Maury Povich EVER." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I just couldn't take it anymore (but he couldn't find it)

Donald Trump's plane made an emergency landing in Nashville yesterday after reporting engine problems. When asked what the issue was, the pilot said, "Nothing, I just couldn't take it anymore.” –Jimmy Fallon

"George W. Bush will open an art exhibit at his presidential library that will feature portraits he painted of various world leaders. He was going to include a painting of bin Laden, but he couldn't find it." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

After hearing this, Trump promised to hunt down bin Laden and sleep with an intern (gift baskets)

Amazon Prime just unveiled new buttons you can press to order Doritos, Red Bull, and Trojan condoms. Or as that's called in New Jersey, “A gift basket.” –Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump’s approval rating is worse than Obama’s lowest, and worse than Bill Clinton’s lowest. After hearing this, Trump promised to hunt down bin Laden and sleep with an intern. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

My advice: Charge $10 per high five (the spectrum)

A state of emergency has been declared in Wisconsin. Not because of the cold, but because someone ate a vegetable. It was a brussel sprout. The national guard has been called in. --Conan O’Brien

"The Navy SEAL responsible for killing Osama bin Laden says he's having trouble finding work. My advice: Charge $10 per high five. He will be a billionaire by the weekend." –Conan O'Brien

Today, Leonardo DiCaprio met with Pope Francis. In terms of number of sexual partners, those two are known as "the spectrum". –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

making a choice between two people nobody can believe are our only available options (the real looting)

The Los Angeles Dodgers are in the World Series. They are playing the Houston Astros tomorrow night. The Dodgers haven’t been to the World Series since 1988. That was a long time ago. That is before anyone knew what a Kardashian was. Most people at that time thought it was an auto part. –Jimmy Kimmel

It’s our responsibility as Americans to register to vote, to go to our local polling places, and make a choice between two people nobody can believe are our only available options. –Jimmy Kimmel

The government released hundreds of documents seized from Osama bin Laden's compound. Among the items is a job application for al-Qaida. It's like a regular job application except it asks questions like, "Where do you see yourself exploding in the next five years?"—Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I just would like to congratulate Lindsay Lohan on her recent promotion (What stage of capitalism is this?)

Scientists just named a newly discovered beetle after Leonardo DiCaprio. Unfortunately, it froze in the ocean after the beetle’s girlfriend wouldn’t share part of a leaf — even though there was CLEARLY room on the leaf for both of them. --Jimmy Fallon

"After bin Laden was killed, the FBI updated its most wanted list. So on behalf of everyone here, I just would like to congratulate Lindsay Lohan on her recent promotion." –Jimmy Fallon

It was almost 90 degrees in New York City today! It was so hot, President Trump’s lawyer spent the day fanning himself with hush money. --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Or as I call it, best episode of Maury Povich EVER (Cool, at least they think we do something)

"Osama bin Laden was killed by Navy Seals yesterday. They did DNA testing to make sure it was Bin Laden. Or as I call it, best episode of Maury Povich EVER." –Jimmy Fallon

"A new survey found that 77 percent of Americans think politicians do serious harm to the country. Politicians are like, 'Cool, at least they think we do something.'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

he would have spent his whole second term in a Batman costume (Angel of Duh)

"Could you imagine what Bush would have done if he had gotten bin Laden? I mean, this is a guy who played dress-up and landed on boats. If Bush had gotten bin Laden, he would have spent his whole second term in a Batman costume." –Bill Maher

"That’s one nice thing I got to say about George W. Bush, he never visited Los Angeles. For eight years it was like being passed over by the Angel of Duh." --Bill Maher, regarding traffic in Los Angeles when Obama is in town

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I could have used seals? (Back Taxes)

As of this month, Michael Cohen reportedly now owes $280,000 to back taxes. Isn't that incredible? There's a porn star named "Back Taxes." --Conan O’Brien

In Pennsylvania, a 100-year-old woman has broken the world record for the 100-yard dash in her age group. She won with the record-setting time of "Wednesday." –Conan O’Brien

"President Obama gave the order for Navy SEALs to kill bin Laden. When President Bush heard about it, he was really upset, saying, 'I could have used seals?'" –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Police are describing the man as "armed and consistent." (the No. 1 threat to America)

In Florida, a man crashed his car, was found to be in possession of meth, then tried to flee the accident to get more meth. Police are describing the man as "armed and consistent." --Conan O’Brien

"A new study reveals that one-third of babies in the U.S. have used a smartphone. Yeah, and one-third of babies in China have MADE a smartphone." –Conan O'Brien

"Osama bin Laden is dead, which means the No. 1 threat to America is now the KFC Double Down." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”