My husband has become a liability (the first cool-down comic in history)

President Trump started his comedy routine by rambling on about his stupid ballroom thereby icing his own crowd which makes him the first cool-down comic in history. —Seth Meyers

Is Trump good for comedy, well he’s better for it than he is at it. —Seth Meyers

Fox pundits attempted to defend the performance by saying those in the room were being bad sports for not laughing. You wanted people to laugh but my question is when and at what joke? In order for you to take a joke, you have to make a joke. —Seth Meyers

“You can both hear a pin drop and see people who look like they just sat on a pin.” — Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

All because they couldn't even beat Donald Trump after rigging their own primaries (I'm King of the Jungle!)

A lion walks up to a zebra and says,

"Hey zebra! You are a ridiculous looking animal!

You're black, you're white, you're half mule

and half donkey.

Look at me. I'm lean and I'm mean.

I'm King of the Jungle!"

The zebra shrugs off the insult and walks on...

The lion then comes upon a giraffe and says,

"Hey, giraffe! You are a ridiculous looking animal!

You gotta long neck and tiny antlers on the top

of your head!

Look at me. I'm lean and I'm mean.

I'm King of the Jungle!"

Finally, the lion comes upon a frog and says,

"Hey, frog! You are a ridiculous looking animal!

You're green and you're slimy.."

Before the lion could finish his next sentence

the frog says,

"Screw you! I've been sick!"

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Bob Newhart: Unbuttoned (2005)

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Weekend Update: Trump Dismisses Iran Weapons Fire As "Love Tap", Kash Patel's Personalized Whiskey

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Weekend Update: Sarah Sherman Roasts Colin Jost Again - SNL

 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Weekend Update: Trump Fires Bondi Over Epstein Files, Says He'll Bring Iran Back to Stone Age - SNL

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The Prince's Marriage Proposal | Blackadder The Third | BBC

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Prince Woos a Bride | Blackadder | BBC

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Otezla - SNL

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Can you name that person standing next to you? (a big hit, followed by a bunch of coughing)

Oregon’s recreational marijuana shops began selling to the public today. Experts expect it to be a big hit, followed by a bunch of coughing. –Seth Meyers

President Trump declined to take questions from reporters following his joint statement today with Chinese President Xi, making him the first president to do so in decades. I guess he was afraid someone would ask the dreaded question, “Can you name that person standing next to you?” –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'm lean and I'm mean and I'm King of the Jungle! (Screw you! I've been sick!)

A lion walks up to a zebra and says,

"Hey zebra! You are a ridiculous looking animal!

You're black, you're white, you're half mule

and half donkey.

Look at me. I'm lean and I'm mean.

I'm King of the Jungle!"

The zebra shrugs off the insult and walks on...

The lion then comes upon a giraffe and says,

"Hey, giraffe! You are a ridiculous looking animal!

You gotta long neck and tiny antlers on the top

of your head!

Look at me. I'm lean and I'm mean.

I'm King of the Jungle!"

Finally, the lion comes upon a frog and says,

"Hey, frog! You are a ridiculous looking animal!

You're green and you're slimy.."

Before the lion could finish his next sentence

the frog says,

"Screw you! I've been sick!"

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I’ve been asking for a pan since 1916 (Geoffrey's Toy Box)

This month, the world’s oldest person will turn 117, and she says she eats two raw eggs every day. When asked what she wants for her birthday, she said, “A skillet. I’ve been asking for a pan since 1916.” –Jimmy Fallon

I read that Toys"R"Us may be relaunching as a new store, called "Geoffrey's Toy Box." I guess executives were like, "How can we make ourselves sound more like a male strip club?" --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

every show has a four wife minimum (it's your fault for not voting properly)

Major comedians are being slammed for taking money from Saudi Arabia to perform at the Riyadh Comedy Festival. The royals over there love it, even though every show has a four wife minimum. — Greg Gutfeld 

Kelly Ripa had to reach down into her cleavage after a microphone fell down there on air. A similar incident happened to Anna Navarro, but while retrieving it, they discovered three illegals. — Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Things are so rough, Uncle Sam is already selling feet pics (I got your back)

“But you know what? Maybe this is a good thing, you know? The government hasn’t been working that great lately. Who knows why? Maybe — maybe somebody got the government wet, you know? Let’s unplug it for a while, plug it back in, see if it reboots. If that doesn’t work, maybe toss it in a bag of rice. Leave it there for a couple hours. If that doesn’t work, we’ll just throw it away and buy a new one with a better camera and a functioning president.” — Stephen Colbert

“Services are closed, federal workers are going without pay. Things are so rough, Uncle Sam is already selling feet pics.” — Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That’s what GoFundMe is for (cross it deliberately)

The U.S. government shutdown for the first time since 2018 on Wednesday. I thought the worst thing that could happen this week was when Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban broke up. If two hot Australians with the same face can’t make it work, then what hope is there for the rest of us?” — Ronny Chieng

“Look, this is the classic dispute between the parties. Democrats say that the government should help pay for health care, and Republicans say, ‘That’s what GoFundMe is for.’” — Ronny Chieng

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hey, congrats, general. When are you due? (slide into an ex’s DMs)

Secretary of War Pete Hegseth addressed senior military leaders at a summit on Tuesday. But you know, I’m sure if the secretary is going to gather all the generals, some of them from active war zones, then he must have something very important he wants to tell them. Listen, we all do weird things when we’re drunk, OK? Some of us slide into an ex’s DMs, and some of us call every U.S. general to a meeting at Quantico. — Ronny Chieng

During his address, Hegseth lectured the audience about the importance of proper athleticism and grooming standards, saying, “It’s tiring to look out at combat formations, or really any formation, and see fat troops. Likewise, it’s completely unacceptable to see fat generals and admirals in the halls of the Pentagon.” That’s what you dragged all these generals in for? To tell them they’re fat? Couldn’t you just leave passive aggressive comments on their Instagram? Like, ‘Hey, congrats, general. When are you due?’ — Ronny Chieng

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Get that s*** under control (the climactic softball game in the Home Depot parking lot)

Disney spent a quarter of a billion dollars on their lesbian version of Star Wars, which flopped. Evidently, fans weren't impressed by the climactic softball game in the Home Depot parking lot. —Greg Gutfeld

In California, a single woman is renting billboard space to advertise herself to potential husbands. Marriage experts say it's a great way to find a wife who knows how to waste money. —Greg Gutfeld

A 13-year-old boy reportedly survived a 720 mile flight hiding in a plane's landing gear. After hearing the news, a Spirit Airlines executive said, "I wonder how much we can charge for that.” —Greg Gutfeld

Congresswoman Pramila Jayapal continued to call ICE terrorists and accuse them of kidnapping. As a child, she had no worries about kidnapping since she was often mistaken for a bag of nickels. —Greg Gutfeld

Pregnant women have been posting videos of themselves taking Tylenol after Trump said there's a link between the pain reliever and autism. Wow. I hope Trump will link autism with doing the dishes. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

highly doable condition (noodle package)

No one was hurt, everyone’s fine, but over the weekend, Leonardo DiCaprio and his model girlfriend were in a fender bender. DiCaprio and his girlfriend are being listed in highly doable condition. –Conan O’Brien

It’s been reported that the biggest currency in prison now is not cigarettes, but ramen. Just make sure to clarify the next time your cellmate asks to hold your noodle package. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

He followed that up of course with his latest hit, Do You Think I'm Breathing? (cross it deliberately)

Today is the last day of Pride Month. Thank God. Now I can go back to banging chicks. —Greg Gutfeld

80-year-old Rod Stewart performed at the Glastonbury Music Festival with a rousing rendition of Do You Think I’m Sexy? He followed that up of course with his latest hit, Do You Think I'm Breathing? —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Their advice, introduce yourself to as many people as possible (two cakes)

The richest girl in the world, billionaire Athina Onassis celebrated her 10th birthday this week. What's it like to be the richest girl in the world? Well to give you some idea, at the party they had two cakes. --Norm Macdonald, SNL

A new FBI study shows that for the first time Americans are more likely to be killed by a stranger than a loved one or acquaintance. Their advice, introduce yourself to as many people as possible. --Norm Macdonald, SNL

In a brilliant move during closing arguments the O.J. Simpson Attorney, Johnnie Cochran, put on the knit cap prosecutors say OJ wore the night he committed the murders. Although OJ may have hurt his case when he suddenly blurted out, “Hey easy with that! That's my lucky stabbing hat!” --Norm Macdonald, SNL

The American Academy of Pediatrics has released an updated list of unsafe baby products. Topping the list this year is the really really really really high chair. --Norm Macdonald, SNL

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”