If you needed another reason to be furious at Democrats (funny pages)

"President Bush is criticizing the New York Times for revealing how we track terrorists' money. He's also criticized the Times for not having the funny pages." --David Letterman

"I think Dick Cheney is getting a little wacky, because earlier today, he came out in favor of same-sex waterboarding. Dick, are you all right? Are you okay, Dick?" --David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

But here's a weird part (they're still feuding over which one of them looks more homeless)

Well, this is grim. A crocodile head was found in a man's luggage at airport security. But here's a weird part. The luggage was made out of humans. —Greg Gutfeld 

So Bernie Sanders and Steve Bannon took the same stage where they both agreed on the dangers of artificial intelligence, but they're still feuding over which one of them looks more homeless. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

 “A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well, why not make it zero hours, said Mitch McConnell (best use of stretch pants)

Finally, a strange woman was stopped by security after entering Kamala Harris's Malibu property. Turns out it was just Kamala, but no one had ever seen her sober. —Greg Gutfeld 

Bernie Sanders just introduced a bill to reduce the work week to 32 hours. Well, why not make it zero hours, said Mitch McConnell. —Greg Gutfeld

The 78th annual Emmy Awards are airing right now on NBC. And once again, The View who won for best use of stretch pants. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

 “A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

World Snake Day (Watch and Learn)

A man in Kansas City had to be rescued after falling into a porta potty while trying to retrieve a bottle of Mountain Dew. RFK Jr. commented on the story saying, "Mountain Dew is not a healthy choice.” —Tom Shillue

Yesterday was World Snake Day, so I hope everyone gives a special shout out to Adam Schiff. —Tom Shillue 

To lessen the strain on Vermont's power grid, customers are being asked to cut back on using air conditioners. Bernie Sanders agreed, although he thought they said hair conditioner. —Tom Shillue 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hillary came in third — behind a bag of weed (he did bring enough for everyone)

Bernie Sanders won last night's Oregon Democratic primary and this was a surprise. Hillary came in third — behind a bag of weed. –Seth Meyers

Police in Philadelphia are investigating after a 5-year-old boy walked into his preschool class holding about two dozen vials of crack cocaine. In the kid's defense, he did bring enough for everyone. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He spent all day giving himself a massage (100 percent of smartphones say they own an American)

“A new survey says 64 percent of Americans own a smartphone. Which is interesting because in a related survey, 100 percent of smartphones say they own an American.” —Jimmy Fallon

The race for 2020 is already under way, and a new poll found that Bernie Sanders is now leading Joe Biden 29% to 24%. You can tell Biden's stressed. He spent all day giving himself a massage. --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Who among us hasn't had a couple of drinks and invaded Iraq? (that and poor customer service)

"Since Osama bin Laden was killed, they say the brand name of Al Qaeda has been damaged. Osama bin Laden's death has damaged the brand — that and poor customer service." –David Letterman

"President Bush is everywhere talking about his book and he's being very candid. In one interview, he said that he used to do stupid things while he was drunk. But think about it, who among us hasn't had a couple of drinks and invaded Iraq?" –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I guess those brain surgeons weren't exactly rocket scientists (homemade weed pipes)

Some hospital workers in Kenya have been suspended after doctors performed brain surgery on the wrong patient. I guess those brain surgeons weren't exactly rocket scientists. --James Corden

A woman in Oregon has opened a business selling homemade weed pipes with Bernie's campaign logo on them. Weed pipes are the perfect gift for Bernie supporters. It's like getting a nice bottle of wine for a Hillary supporter, or getting somebody who wants to vote for Ted Cruz a machine gun made out of Bibles. –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Remember, if your redwood lasts more than 2,000 years, call your lumberjack! (That’s two more than Hillary campaigned in)

A tow truck driver in Asheville, North Carolina, who supports Donald Trump evidently stranded a disabled woman on the side of the road after he saw a Bernie Sanders bumper sticker on her car. Telling the woman that she was obviously a socialist and that she should call the government for help, he then drove away on a road that I assume he paved himself. –Stephen Colbert

Yesterday 16 states sued the president over his emergency declaration to build a border wall. 16 states. That’s two more than Hillary campaigned in. --Stephen Colbert

The National Parks Service is so desperate for cash that they just announced that, for the first time, they are going to solicit corporate sponsorship. Pretty soon, those sequoias could be brought to you by Viagra. Remember, if your redwood lasts more than 2,000 years, call your lumberjack! –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well, I can solve that problem (I have $3)

According to a new book, when in college, Bernie Sanders built his own super orgasm machine. The evidence, his hair. It makes sense. —Greg Gutfeld

The oldest New York City resident has died at the age of 113. Her last words, "Get out of my room, Mr. Cuomo.” —Greg Gutfeld

According to the CDC, a US life expectancy hit an all-time high in 2024. "Well, I can solve that problem," said Anthony Fauci. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Democrats never do anything to help their approval rating (it’s still in the original wrapping)

President Trump’s visited the Museum of the Bible in Washington DC, where he announced that he had donated his personal Bible, gifted to him by his mother, to the museum. And it’s even more valuable, because it’s still in the original wrapping. —Seth Meyers

And in a post last week on Truth Social, Trump claimed that Democratic lawmakers were only advocating for Epstein survivors in response to the party’s low approval rating. That’s ridiculous. Democrats never do anything to help their approval rating. —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Which one is the good McDonald’s? (Democrats promised him a cake, but then they gave it to Hillary)

Even though she told people she won, Stacey Abrams claims she was never confused about losing the governor’s race in Georgia. You know what else she's never confused about? Which one is the good McDonald’s? —Greg Gutfeld 

Yesterday was Bernie Sanders 84th birthday. Yeah. Democrats promised him a cake, but then they gave it to Hillary. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Of course, her idea of marriage equality is that both of you should get to be president (toast)

Officials in Japan have begun criticizing President Trump's state visit later this month following reports that Trump would be given a chair to sit on while attending a sumo-wrestling tournament rather than following the traditional custom of sitting on the floor. Hey, that's just how he is. When Melania gave birth, he took the bed. --Seth Meyers

At a rally in California yesterday, Bernie Sanders said that if he winds up being the Democratic nominee, “Donald Trump is toast.” Incidentally, “toast” is also what Donald Trump’s tanning bed is set to. –Seth Meyers

"Hillary Clinton has temporarily changed her campaign logo to rainbow colors in support of marriage equality. Of course, her idea of marriage equality is that both of you should get to be president." –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

he already had a son named Trevor (Hillary came in third — behind a bag of weed)

An Australian man is making headlines after he started treating an abandoned shopping cart as his son, naming it Trevor and giving it a pair of sneakers. Even sadder, he already had a son named Trevor. –Seth Meyers

Bernie Sanders won last night's Oregon Democratic primary and this was a surprise. Hillary came in third — behind a bag of weed. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

She's Not Wrong (they’re planning to open a second checkout lane)

According to a new report, Amazon is now worth twice as much as Walmart. In response, Walmart announced that they’re planning to open a second checkout lane. –Seth Meyers

Bernie Sanders said it’s a great idea to have a woman as vice president. John McCain was like, “Is it?!” –Seth Meyers

A couple in Ohio yesterday ran a half marathon immediately after getting married at the starting line. Ha, usually you're married a lot longer than that before you hear a gunshot. –Seth Meyers

"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie today appeared on a talk show called 'Pasta and Politics.' It went so well that he's agreed to go on 'Meet the Garlic Press.'" –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's be a lot cooler if you did (More important, how could you tell if they were?)

So AOC is being called out for flying first class to speak at a Bernie Sanders fight oligarchy rally. We haven't seen this kind of hypocrisy since R Kelly told me not to pee on the toilet seat. —Greg Gutfeld

Financial experts predict that Trump’s tariffs may increase the cost of Botox. So are its regular users concerned? More important, how could you tell if they were? —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Anyone else as turned on as I am? (585 earthquakes)

Hillary Clinton recently said it's a “low blow” for Bernie Sanders to criticize her for not being progressive enough. And if you want to know more about that story, do NOT Google “Clinton low blow.” Save yourself. –Jimmy Fallon

After finishing second in New Hampshire’s Republican primary, John Kasich said he can handle attacks by Donald Trump saying, “I'm not gonna sit there and be a marshmallow and have somebody pound me." Then Chris Christie was like, "Anyone else as turned on as I am?" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Which means tomorrow is the Best Cigarette of Your Life” day (that place that serves unlimited breadsticks)

Bernie Sanders this weekend argued against the major political fundraising families, saying, “That is not called democracy, that is called oligarchy.” Bernie, you gotta dumb it down a little. Most Americans think “oligarchy” is that place that serves unlimited breadsticks. –Seth Meyers

Today is the Great American Smokeout day, which encourages smokers to try and go 24 hours without having a cigarette. Which means tomorrow is the Best Cigarette of Your Life” day. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

At least that’s the explanation coming from United Airlines (She came in third — behind a bag of weed)

A 101-year-old man recently became the oldest person to skydive. At least that’s the explanation coming from United Airlines. –Seth Meyers

Bernie Sanders won last night's Oregon Democratic primary and this was a surprise. Hillary came in third — behind a bag of weed. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

a machine gun made out of Bibles (My brother in Christ, you are the taxes)

New tax filings show that President Donald Trump’s former bodyguard has been receiving $15,000 a month from the Republican National Committee since leaving the White House. You realize what that means, right? Trump was sleeping with his bodyguard, too! --James Corden

President Trump had his high school grades sealed. So including the hush money payment to a porn star, this makes two attempts by Trump to hide his secret Fs. --James Corden

A woman in Oregon has opened a business selling homemade weed pipes with Bernie's campaign logo on them. Weed pipes are the perfect gift for Bernie supporters. It's like getting a nice bottle of wine for a Hillary supporter, or getting somebody who wants to vote for Ted Cruz a machine gun made out of Bibles. –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”