I didn’t know she gave speeches (I just bagged Catherine Zeta-Jones)

Michael Douglas met with lawmakers and he urged the United States and Russia to reduce their stockpiles of nuclear weapons. Apparently Douglas pleaded by saying it is more important than ever that we don't destroy the planet because I just bagged Catherine Zeta-Jones. --Conan O’Brien 3/22/2000

According to Forbes magazine, in the past year Taylor Swift has earned $170 million. When she heard that, Hillary Clinton said, "I didn’t know she gave speeches." –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

there's no way he can drink enough to think that he made the right choice (the best argument for socialism)

A poultry farmer in India is demanding justice after 140 of his chickens dropped dead due to loud music at a nearby wedding. True. There hasn't been this many limp [ __ ] since the Sex in the City sequel. We also would have accepted lifeless. —Greg Gutfeld

Coors Light has introduced a new beer. It's Coors Light Zero, which has has no alcohol. The downside, well, there's no way Travis Kelsey can drink enough to think that he made the right choice. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

it's the same design used to construct Nancy Pelosi's eyebrows (but an ironing board beat her to it)

 Taylor Swift has filed to trademark her voice and likeness in order to protect against AI misuse. She also wanted to trademark her ass, but an ironing board beat her to it. —Greg Gutfeld

So, the White House says they now have federal approval to build a 250 foot arch in Washington DC. And according to the Army Corps of Engineers, it's the same design used to construct Nancy Pelosi's eyebrows. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Greenland already said no (they can't just say they made her a plaque)

The House Oversight Committee announced that, next month, it will depose Ghislaine Maxwell as part of its Jeffrey Epstein investigation. In the meantime, they've turned off the cameras to give her privacy to play with her new chair and long rope. —Michael Che

Taylor Swift has become the second-youngest person inducted into the Songwriters Hall of Fame, behind Stevie Wonder. But the difference with Taylor is that they can't just say they made her a plaque. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I have 200 cans in the living room (So, do I get a doubles trophy?)

Ted Cruz's daughters were also at the town hall. They said that if they end up in the White House, they want to have Taylor Swift over for dinner. Then Ted Cruz said, "I hope she likes chunky soup because I have 200 cans in the living room." –Jimmy Fallon

Congrats to Serena Williams! She just announced that she’s expecting a baby, which means she won the Australian Open while she was pregnant. Then the baby said, “So, do I get a doubles trophy?” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Trump’s two favorite things (finders keepers/you’re finally back on top)

On Tuesday, the White House press secretary, Karoline Leavitt, described President Trump’s upcoming Alaska meeting with Vladimir Putin as a “listening exercise.” And we all know listening and exercise are Trump’s two favorite things, so this should go well. —Jimmy Fallon

“Taylor Swift is releasing her 12th studio album. So congratulations, white women, you’re finally back on top.” — Nicole Byer

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The restaurant has no plans to expand to the United States (I didn’t know she gave speeches)

A restaurant in China forces customers to solve complex math problems before they can order their meal. The restaurant has no plans to expand to the United States. –Conan O’Brien

According to Forbes magazine, in the past year Taylor Swift has earned $170 million. When she heard that, Hillary Clinton said, "I didn’t know she gave speeches." –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

A lucid and well-informed examination of the world's problems (so I guess you're out of luck Chris Hayes)

Cops found what appeared to be a human leg bone near Taylor Swift’s beachside mansion. I guess the bone and the rest of the body are never ever ever getting back together. —Greg Gutfeld 

Halle Berry says she's not sure if a woman should ever play James Bond, so I guess you're out of luck Chris Hayes. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It will be so much easier to get the glitter off (he prefers to bathe in a car wash)

And yet another great move on behalf of everyday Americans, President Trump signed an executive order that reverses a Biden regulation and allows more water pressure in showers. However they claim this will have no effect on Jerry Nadler who prefers to bathe in a car wash. —Greg Gutfeld

So as Democrats deface cars, call people Nazis and pretend that Taylor Swift is more than a five, what's Trump been up to? Making showers great again. Trump's literally making it rain removing limits on water pressure from shower heads. This is great news for me. It will be so much easier to get the glitter off. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I guess that means neither got a ring (The last thing you want is teachers getting pregnant)

Travis Kelce didn't propose to Taylor Swift on the their recent romantic getaway. I guess that means neither got a ring. —Greg Gutfeld

Parents in Maryland are outraged at a new bill that would make condoms available in school vending machines. I get it. The last thing you want is teachers getting pregnant. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Yeah, well, 179 if we take over Canada by Saturday (Taylor Swift’s boyfriend)

“Yeah, between the game and the commercials, it’s going to be four straight hours of Patrick Mahomes on TV.” — Jimmy Fallon

“Taylor Swift will also be in attendance to support her boyfriend, the Chiefs’ superstar tight end, Taylor Swift’s boyfriend.” — Stephen Colbert

“I saw that this year’s Super Bowl will be watched in 180 countries. Yeah, well, 179 if we take over Canada by Saturday.” — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hope everyone has their friendship bracelets picked out (the first sitting president to go to the Super Bowl)

“Super Bowl Sunday, also known as ‘Get Drunk in a Friend of a Friend’s Weird Living Room Day,’ is imminent. Hope everyone has their friendship bracelets picked out.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“Donald Trump will make history as the first sitting president to go to the Super Bowl. I think the reason Trump’s going to the Super Bowl, he can’t stand to have even one day where he’s on TV less than Taylor Swift.” — Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And by the looks of him, I’m guessing that shower never happened (And they all have one thing in common – they’re all surprised)

Taylor Swift announced she is launching a new app called “The Swift Life” that will feature “Taymojis,” which are emojis that look like her. And they all have one thing in common – they’re all surprised. –Seth Meyers

Despite claiming last week that he would have rushed the Oregon shooter to save lives, Dr. Ben Carson yesterday recounted how he was once held up at gunpoint in a Popeye’s Chicken and told the gunman, “I believe you want the guy behind the counter.” So we know at least one guy who’s DEFINITELY not voting for Ben Carson. –Seth Meyers

The New Yorker today released audio of fired Hollywood movie producer Harvey Weinstein begging a model to come into his hotel room and watch him shower. And by the looks of him, I’m guessing that shower never happened. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I didn’t know she gave speeches (looking for someone who can run a profitable casino)

For his running mate, Donald Trump says he’s looking for someone with experience in areas he doesn’t have. So right now Trump is looking for someone who can run a profitable casino. –Conan O’Brien

According to Forbes magazine, in the past year Taylor Swift has earned $170 million. When she heard that, Hillary Clinton said, "I didn’t know she gave speeches." –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They're doing it just because Taylor Swift told them to (but it ends with him killing Obi-Wan Kenobi)

South Carolina and Mississippi are on the verge of taking down their state Capitol's Confederate flag. Here's the surprising part. They're doing it just because Taylor Swift told them to. –Conan O’Brien

"Former Vice President Dick Cheney is in the news. Cheney has signed a publishing deal to write his memoirs. I don't want to spoil anything, but it ends with him killing Obi-Wan Kenobi.'" --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Unplug me (but, yeah...Russia)

Ted Cruz and his wife appeared in a town hall on CNN recently and his wife said that after they got back from their honeymoon, Ted bought 100 cans of Campbell's chunky soup. But to be fair, I feel like anyone who has watched this election is probably stocking up on canned goods. –Jimmy Fallon

Ted Cruz's daughters were also at the town hall. They said that if they end up in the White House, they want to have Taylor Swift over for dinner. Then Ted Cruz said, "I hope she likes chunky soup because I have 200 cans in the living room." –Jimmy Fallon

"Newt Gingrich gave a speech at a senior center. Or as audience members put it, 'Unplug me.'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

For the whole 20-hour flight home, Trump was blasting Taylor Swift (Nobody knows what they’re doing)

President Trump left his summit with Kim Jong-un early because they couldn't reach an agreement. Yep, he walked out on Kim, but before he drove away, Trump rolled the window down, and he said, "I just want to take another look at you." It really seemed like they were getting along, but Trump took off before the summit was finished. I don't want to call it a breakup, but for the whole 20-hour flight home, Trump was blasting Taylor Swift. --Jimmy Fallon

Over the weekend, Vice President Mike Pence tweeted his support for Israel, but accidentally used an emoji of the Nicaraguan flag instead of the Israeli flag. The White House says there’s a perfectly good reason why he did it: Nobody knows what they’re doing. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

you’re embarrassing me in front of my girlfriend, jeez louise! (Finally, something good happened for Taylor Swift!)

In case you missed it, the Kansas City Chiefs beat the San Francisco 49ers, 25-22, in overtime. Finally, something good happened for Taylor Swift! —Stephen Colbert

It was a low-scoring first half – at one point, the Chiefs seemed close to scoring their first touchdown, only to fumble the ball. Travis Kelce was caught on camera yelling at his coach Andy Reid, which I lip-read as ‘you’re embarrassing me in front of my girlfriend, jeez louise!’ —Stephen Colbert

The NFL avoided many shots of Swift during the game, but at one point caught her chugging her beer. Have fun, Taylor, but please make sure you have a designated driver for your private jet. The NFL tweeted a picture of the moment with the word “icon”. If that’s what makes you an icon, then my Aunt Rita is an icon-aholic. —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Madden: Kansas City Chiefs vs Kansas City Chiefs (OT-Super Bowl)

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Trump’s dancing like nobody’s checking IDs (Time)

Well, just hours ago, President Biden won the South Carolina primary barely edging out his closest rival. Time. —Colin Jost

As you may have seen on your aunt’s Facebook, many MAGA personalities are claiming that the Super Bowl is being rigged so that Kansas City wins and Taylor Swift can come on to the field with Travis Kelce and endorse Joe Biden. MAGA people have so many enemies to keep track of, you have to hate the NFL, Taylor Swift, Bud Light, Disney, Kristen Stewart for some reason, electric stoves, windmills, the concept of rainbows, and the green M&M. And you have to think that everybody in the government is a secret pedophile except for Trump when he danced with Jeffrey Epstein. I mean, isn’t that the happiest you’ve ever seen Trump? Trump’s dancing like nobody’s checking IDs. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”