this according to a recent lie a man told his wife (smartest pork chop)

A number of bars around the country have implemented a policy banning cellphones, this according to a recent lie a man told his wife. —Colin Jost    

A pig named Merlin that can talk using pre-programmed buttons has set a new world record for largest Instagram following for a pig. And then it set the record for smartest pork chop. —Colin Jost    

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 
and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

For a while, I was their prime suspect (buy high AND sell high)

In Oakland, California, for the first time, a marijuana company

will be publicly traded. It’s the first ever stock that you can buy

high AND sell high. –Conan O’Brien

A man in Portland stole a 2-foot python from a pet store by putting it in his pants. For a while, I was their prime suspect. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It was such a landslide, Trump might actually be able to rebury the Epstein files under it (Quiet, piggy)

“Mr. President, I admire your tenacity. If you’re watching tonight, which I presume you are, how about this: I’ll go when you go, OK? We’ll be a team. Let’s ride off into the sunset together like Butch Cassidy and the Suntan Kid. And until then, if I may borrow a phrase from you: Quiet, piggy.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“Yesterday, both the House and Senate voted to release the long-withheld files related to a man who considered himself to be Trump’s closest friend for more than a decade, the late sex criminal Jeffrey Epstein. The vote in Congress went 427-1. It was such a landslide, Trump might actually be able to rebury the Epstein files under it.” — Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

My money might be offshore, but my heart's right here in America (spirit animals)

"This week the president unveiled his new campaign slogan, 'Forward.' And Mitt Romney unveiled his slogan, 'My money might be offshore, but my heart's right here in America.'" –Jay Leno

"Newt Gingrich is going to announce next week that he is dropping out of the presidential race. If you wonder why he's waiting, it's because it takes him that long to gather a crowd." –Jay Leno

"And a Georgia man is recovering in Pittsburgh after becoming the first U.S. recipient of a double hand transplant. Got two hands transplanted from another guy. He used them for the first time today to grab his heart when he saw the bill." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Normal Florida wedding proceeds without incident/Man has massive hog/They can’t all be winning ideas

A Fox News headline read “Bikini-clad bride weds groom in overalls, caps off Florida wedding with roll in the mud.” The honest headline should have read “Normal Florida wedding proceeds without incident.” --James Corden

A headline from the Huffington Post read “Distracted driver turns out to have 250-pound pig on lap.” The honest headline should have read “Man has massive hog.” --James Corden

Here’s a headline from USA Today. It reads “Tesla SpaceX CEO Elon Musk releases rap song RIP Harambe.” The honest headline should have read “They can’t all be winning ideas.” --James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

He's going to need a two-thirds vote before they pass him the Doritos (new ad slogan)

"President Obama won't be at the Super Bowl either. In fact, in a show of some sort of spirit of cooperation, I guess, he's invited a group of top Republicans to watch the game with him at the White House on Sunday. That should be a lot of fun. He's going to need a two-thirds vote before they pass him the Doritos." –Jimmy Kimmel

"You guys hear about what's going on with Toyota? This is crazy. It's like, their job is to make cars, right? Well, they had a problem with gas pedals getting stuck — now, they're recalling the Prius because the brakes don't work. And because of this, sales of Ford cars and trucks rose 25 percent in the past month. But Ford says it's because of its new ad slogan, 'Ford, because Toyota is trying to kill you.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Scientists in Australia announced that within five years they will be able to successfully carry out pig-to-human lung transplants. People could be part human, part pig. We have that already. I think it's called Dick Cheney." –John Hulse

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”  

If this van's a-rockin', it's because we live here now (have I offended pigs?)

"Yesterday President Obama hauled in the presidents of the credit card companies and said the days of tricky fine print and sudden rate increases and late fees are over. And he also demanded to know what kind of screwed up, cracker name was MasterCard." --Bill Maher

"Unemployment is continually rising, foreclosures are through the roof. I saw a bumper sticker the other day that said, 'If this van's a-rockin', it's because we live here now.'" --Bill Maher

"Are you ready for the next outbreak that isn't really going to happen, but sounds really scary, so the media's freaking out? Swine flu. Have you heard that? Yes, apparently swine flu has appeared in the U.S. This particular virus started in Mexico, and spread from pigs to humans. Probably during spring break. I'm sorry, have I offended pigs? I apologize." --Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”