Hey, uh . . . this is 900 iPods (she handed him a live goose and an axe)

There’s exciting news from the world of technology, experts say that in the future sex with robots will become so popular that it could replace sex with humans by 2050. So, basically, in the very near future, instead of texting “U up?” you’ll be texting “U on?” It’s going to be awkward when the robots need repairs. Do you just show up to the Genius bar with a human-sized duffel bag like, “Hey, uh . . . this is 900 iPods.” –James Corden

On a recent flight from Singapore to Japan, a passenger on a budget airline asked for a cup of water and the flight attendant gave him a cup of ice and told him to wait for the ice to melt. But it got worse. The passenger asked for a down pillow and the flight attendant handed him a live goose and an axe. --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I have to say it’s a pretty quick read (Ze robot vill hug you now)

Scientists in Germany have programmed a robot to hug humans due to research showing hugs can reduce stress and help stave off illness. Which is the most German reaction to that news. “Oh, you need a hug? Come here — let me build you a robot. Ze robot vill hug you now.” --Seth Meyers

Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich has published a new book titled “Understanding Trump.” [Shows page with big text “He cray.”] And I have to say it’s a pretty quick read. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I’ve had these speeches memorized since I was six (fermented palm sap)

Disney World announced they are finally serving alcohol at every restaurant in the Magic Kingdom. Parents will say, "These giant teacups are spinning too fast," and the kids will be like, "We are not even on the ride yet." --Jimmy Fallon

A new study says that chimpanzees occasionally drink too much fermented palm sap, which causes them to act drunk. Researchers could tell the chimps were drunk when one of them suggested karaoke.—Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump criticized Hillary Clinton over the weekend, claiming that her views are “just words” read off a teleprompter. But Hillary denied it, saying, “I’ve had these speeches memorized since I was six.” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I wrote a poem for you (Mike Metaphor)

Hillary Clinton unveiled her technology plan which would offer broadband internet access to all Americans. Then she quickly added, "Except for my husband." –Conan O’Brien

Yesterday, Donald Trump gave a speech at an industrial plant while standing in front of a giant wall of trash. Before the speech, Trump welcomed his new campaign manager, Mike Metaphor. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

they are worried people will find out they're terrible (Or as Joe Biden calls it...)

This week, 300 cannabis workers in Illinois went on strike, causing panic among the Dave Matthews Band, who are worried people will find out they're terrible. —Greg Gutfeld 

China has unveiled a self-driving robot toilet that rolls up to your bed, cleans you up, and then wipes itself off. Or as Joe Biden calls it, Jill. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

he's going to run for president of North Korea (I’m pretty sure I had a robot make me a frozen burrito last night)

During the speech, Donald Trump threatened to "totally destroy North Korea," which can only mean one thing — he's going to run for president of North Korea. –James Corden

A new restaurant has opened in Boston where all the food is cooked by robots. The restaurant was started by a group of engineers from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. A robot that can cook a meal. Is this a new thing? Isn't this just a microwave? I’m pretty sure I had a robot make me a frozen burrito last night. --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Why are you being so polite? (Now we'll never be able to screw that light bulb in)

Spencer Pratt revealed that if he's elected, he will turn the 19 room mayor's mansion into housing for single mothers. After hearing this, Bill Clinton volunteered to be in his cabinet. —Tom Shillue

Poland was alarmed by reports the Pentagon may cancel plans to deploy 4,000 troops there. A Polish spokesman said, "Now we'll never be able to screw that light bulb in.” —Tom Shillue

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You should probably stop talking (or around 12 American dollars)

"Congrats to Prince William and Kate Middleton, who welcomed a baby girl on Saturday. The royal baby weighed eight pounds – or around 12 American dollars." –Jimmy Fallon

Last night, Rudy Giuliani went on Fox News and revealed that Donald Trump knew about and paid for Stormy Daniels’ hush money. Even Kanye was like, “You should probably stop talking.”  --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

it was just his turn (Fullofshiticus)

A robot beat the human record by several minutes in a half marathon. A dejected Kenyon said, "Well, we're still the birthplace of Barack Obama.” —Greg Gutfeld

Kim Kardashian is dating Formula 1 driver Lewis Hamilton. Hamilton admitted he's not interested in Kim, but it was just his turn. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

five inches (Not in my house)

Today the Yankees had to postpone their home opener because of a snowstorm. You can tell it was cold because the foot-long hot dogs were only five inches. --Jimmy Fallon

This is pretty cool. Scientists have built a 6'10" robot that can hit perfect three-pointers. Unfortunately, rival scientists built a 6'11" robot that can say, "Not in my house." --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They said it couldn’t be done but we did it (the friction of the conviction)

“[As Michael Bloomberg] That’s right. We spent half a billion dollars to absolutely eat [expletive]. They said it couldn’t be done but we did it.” —Trevor Noah

“I’m not going to lie — I still can’t believe Mike Bloomberg spent $500 million to not be president. Now, like, I’m also not going to be the president, but I spent nothing. No, so in a certain way, I feel like I saved $500 million, yeah?” —Trevor Noah

“The good news for Donald Trump is that he’s only facing two charges. Although in a way, that’s also kinda sad for him, since Nixon had three articles brought against him (he resigned before they were passed), Bill Clinton had four, and Andrew Johnson had 11, which means Trump will have the smallest impeachment of all time. You know that’s going to make him insecure – he’s gonna be like, ‘It’s not about the size of the impeachment, it’s about the friction of the conviction.’” --Trevor Noah (2019)

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Anniversaries go up to 8?! (Who was your fourth choice?)

Former House Speaker John Boehner says he still plans on voting for Trump even though he said, “Donald wasn’t my first choice, wasn’t my second choice, for that matter he wasn’t my third choice.” “Who was your fourth choice?” whispered Jeb. –Seth Meyers

Saudi Arabia yesterday became the first country in the world to grant citizenship to a robot. Oh, please, we made one vice president. –Seth Meyers

​​Tomorrow is Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner’s 8th wedding anniversary. Said Donald Trump, “Anniversaries go up to 8?!” –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I’ll pay extra for my bags, but only if I get a pilot (a live goose and an axe)

On a recent flight from Singapore to Japan, a passenger on a budget airline asked for a cup of water and the flight attendant gave him a cup of ice and told him to wait for the ice to melt. But it got worse. The passenger asked for a down pillow and the flight attendant handed him a live goose and an axe. --James Corden

There’s exciting news from the world of technology, experts say that in the future sex with robots will become so popular that it could replace sex with humans by 2050. So, basically, in the very near future, instead of texting “U up?” you’ll be texting “U on?” –James Corden

Anyone here have plans to travel over the holidays? Well, you might have to check your flights because American Airlines just experienced a computer glitch that has allowed all their pilots to take vacation at the same time, meaning that thousands of flights in December have no one to fly them. This is all part of American Airlines’ new campaign to make the rest of their services seem less awful. “Okay, fine. I’ll pay extra for my bags, but only if I get a pilot.” –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

this was an easier solution than just asking them to do it (I never knew my real ladder)

A company has developed a new robotic arm that attaches to toilet lids and automatically puts the seat down. And it says a lot about men that this was an easier solution than just asking them to do it. --Seth Meyers

Gov. Chris Christie currently has a 19 percent approval rating in New Jersey. The only thing less popular in New Jersey is the top button. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

We give them to our fans (intelligence)

"Yesterday the DEA raided several NFL teams suspected of giving

prescription painkillers to their players. In its defense, the New

York Jets' doctor said, 'We don't give painkillers to our players.

We give them to our fans.'" –Conan O'Brien

An artificially intelligent sex robot is expected to hit the market next year. Because that’s what guys want in a sex robot — intelligence. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the kid did manage to hit 19 houses in under two minutes (the robot thinks it’s God)

​​A robot has been taught how to write rap songs by being fed more than 6,000 Kanye West lyrics. The problem is, now the robot thinks it’s God. –Conan O’Brien

In Wisconsin, a child’s trick-or-treat bag was found to contain meth. On the plus side, the kid did manage to hit 19 houses in under two minutes. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So my children may live in peace (follow-up questions/shopping for boats)

Donald Trump said in the latest issue of "Rolling Stone" that he would consider dating his daughter Ivanka Trump, if he weren’t her father. Which explains why I saw Ivanka Trump’s therapist shopping for a boat. –Seth Meyers

A company in California will unveil the world’s first talking sex robot in January. Because that’s what people who buy sex robots want: follow-up questions. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And for an extra $50, for non-medical procedures (the robot was just supposed to vacuum the living room)

I'm a big fan of scientific advances in the field of medicine. Scientists announced they just developed a robotic caterpillar that can crawl inside you for medical procedures. And for an extra $50, for non-medical procedures. --Conan O’Brien

In China, for the first time ever, a robot performed dental surgery without human assistance. Everyone was excited until they remembered that the robot was just supposed to vacuum the living room. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I wonder if you can taste the difference? (dead air)

Scientists in the Netherlands are using microscopic robots to create bionic sperm. Huh. I wonder if you can taste the difference? —Greg Gutfeld

Jimmy Kimmel is still on hiatus from his late night show, but he's scheduled to return to it tomorrow night. All right. But when asked why the network didn't show best of Jimmy Kimmel episodes to fill the dead air, they said that dead air is the best of Jimmy Kimmel. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I’m pretty sure I had a robot make me a frozen burrito last night (nah, not feeling it)

The state of Vermont is trying to get people to move into their state and to sweeten the deal they're now offering each new resident up to $10,000. This is great because up until now, the most popular way to become a Vermont resident was through the witness protection program. --James Corden

A new restaurant has opened in Boston where all the food is cooked by robots. The restaurant was started by a group of engineers from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. A robot that can cook a meal. Is this a new thing? Isn't this just a microwave? I’m pretty sure I had a robot make me a frozen burrito last night. --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”