How many homeless families does it take to make a billionaire? (Omaha bin Laden)

 

"Let's begin tonight right here in New York, New York. The city's so nice, it was attacked by international terrorists twice. So naturally, last week, the Department of Homeland Security announced a cut in anti-terrorism grants to New York and Washington, D.C. by 40%. Now to some, cutting anti-terror money to the two cities that have already suffered major terrorist attacks might sound, I don't know, insane. So, if New York's funding is being slashed, where is all the money going? Apparently, it's being used to boost the defense budgets of terrorist hot spots like Charlotte, Louisville and Omaha, Nebraska. Apparently, Homeland Security distributes the terror funds on the basis of what item your city has the world's largest ball of. Now, I can understand the concern over Omaha. That city is of course under constant threat from renowned Midwestern terrorist Omaha bin Laden." --Jon Stewart

"President Bush was in Baghdad for six hours. You weren't even in the real Baghdad. You were in the Green Zone. That's like going to the Olive Garden and saying you've been to Italy." –Jon Stewart

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

the same call that I get from my dad every day/Taco Bell will not be affected/Hello Detroit!

"If the government shuts down, 800,000 federal workers could get a call saying they're 'non-essential.' Wouldn't it be weird if 800,000 people got the same call that I get from my dad every day?" –Conan O'Brien

"If there's a shutdown, federal meat inspections may be delayed. In other words, Taco Bell will not be affected." –Conan O'Brien

"The White House confirmed that President Obama got a letter from Moammar Gadhafi. They wouldn't confirm the contents of the letter, but it did end with the question, 'Do you like me? Check yes, no, or maybe.'" –Conan O'Brien 

"This week a new oil field was discovered under the Gulf of Mexico that could boost the U.S.' oil and gas reserves by 50%. Finally some good news for the oil companies." --Conan O'Brien

"Earlier today President Bush made a surprise visit to Baghdad. Apparently, the president was confused by all of the destruction, because the first thing he said was 'Hello Detroit!'" --Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

all over the city camel alarms were going off (trying to convince me that he's Swiss)

Yesterday five NFL coaches were fired and then the next week they'll be tried by the Senate? I don't know. --David Letterman 12/29/1998

I don't have you've been following the news but this bombing in Baghdad has been very very very very intense. They have these, you know, the Tomahawk cruise things. Those smart rockets and it's been unbelievably intense and and reporters who are in the city of Baghdad said that at one point the noise from the bombing was so loud, that all over the city camel alarms were going off. --David Letterman 12/18/1998

This War in Iraq is making everyone jumpy. I'm coming to work this morning and and halfway halfway on the trip my cab driver Mohammed is trying to convince me that he's Swiss. --David Letterman 12/18/1998

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I've always loved the beach, but I hate the ocean, so this is perfect! (I went out and spent $150,000 on clothes)

"I am Stephen Colbert, and I am reporting for duty. Folks, right off the top, I want to thank the USO for bringing me and my show to our brave men and women in uniform in Baghdad, Iraq. Thank you so much. I have to say, this place is great. I've always loved the beach, but I hate the ocean, so this is perfect!" --Stephen Colbert

"But, I won't kid you. I was feeling a little depressed when I heard that Governor Palin was mad at me and called me 'pathetic.' To cheer myself up, I went out and spent $150,000 on clothes, and I feel better now." --David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

This will give him 48 hours to come up with a supporter (72 virgins and a toaster)

"Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi made a surprise visit to Iraq over the weekend. Actually, the one who was most surprised was Nancy. Bush told her she was going to Cancun." --Jay Leno

"Delaware Senator Joe Biden just announced he will officially announce that he will run for president on Wednesday. You know why Biden did this? This will give him 48 hours to come up with a supporter." --Jay Leno

"Iran is getting more involved in Iraq. Officials in Iran say they are planning to open a branch of the Iranian National Bank in Baghdad. Anyone who opens a new account at the new Baghdad branch will receive 72 virgins and a toaster." --Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Hell, lets let them look for bin Laden (summertime in Indiana)

"Down in Washington, D.C., is the big annual Easter egg hunt they have on the White House lawn. No surprise here -- the $187 billion egg coloring contract went to Halliburton. The kids are all running around hunting for the Easter eggs. And periodically, they'll pick up some of Cheney's shell casings. The kids did a tremendous job. The kids found hundreds and hundreds of eggs. And I'm thinking, 'Hell, lets let them look for bin Laden'." -David Letterman

"It makes you realize what a helacious s**thole Indiana must be." -- Aasif Mandvi, on Rep. Mike Pence comparing the Baghdad marketplace to summertime in Indiana

"The annual Easter egg hunt at the White House is going to be a little different this year. Instead of eggs they're going to be hiding Alberto Gonzales' emails." -Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

but instead of dirt, he’s followed by an intangible void (That lucky bastard)

"In Iran, President Ahmadinejad is apparently so unpopular that the parliament has voted to take away his powers and shorten his term. When he heard this, President Bush said, 'That lucky bastard.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Help is on the way, people -- Dick Cheney in a secret surprise visit. The vice president put on his Sunday best and arrived in Baghdad under cover of darkness. Now I know it appeared to be in the middle of the day, but Cheney, as you know, always brings his own cover of darkness. It's like Pig-Pen, but instead of dirt, he’s followed by an intangible void." --Jon Stewart

A magisterial collection.

An emotional roller coaster.

Soon to be a cult classic.

A combination of Bukowski’s

Last Night On Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

Primary medicine for more than 100 separate illnesses and diseases (That lucky bastard)

"In Iran, President Ahmadinejad is apparently so unpopular that the parliament has voted to take away his powers and shorten his term. When he heard this, President Bush said, 'That lucky bastard.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Help is on the way, people -- Dick Cheney in a secret surprise visit. The vice president put on his Sunday best and arrived in Baghdad under cover of darkness. Now I know it appeared to be in the middle of the day, but Cheney, as you know, always brings his own cover of darkness. It's like Pig-Pen, but instead of dirt, he’s followed by an intangible void." 

--Jon Stewart

A magisterial collection.

An emotional roller coaster.

Soon to be a cult classic.

A combination of Bukowski’s

Last Night On Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

If I had to sum it up in one cheese, I guess it would stilton. No, no, fontina

   

"An ass-scope has still not been invented to plum the depths of the s---hole that we've created in Iraq. But it is time for an update courtesy of our ambassador to the country, Ryan Crocker. Of course, he's over in Baghdad, so he gave his testimony to the Senate Foreign Relations Committee via a 60-inch plasma TV screen. [on screen: Crocker using 'fear' as his one word to sum up the situation in Iraq]. If I had to sum it up in one cheese, I guess it would stilton. No, no, fontina." --Jon Stewart

    

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #JohnHulsecollectedpoems #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

Judging leaders by their effectiveness? (2100 Security Agents)

"I hate to be one of the naysayers who says the surge isn't working, but I'm sorry, it was in the paper today that the number of Iraqis who are fleeing their homes has, in a word, 'surged.' In fact, there are so many abandoned houses in Baghdad, it looks like America's real estate market." --Bill Maher

"They also came up with what they call the National Intelligence Estimate for Iraq. They said the Iraqi political leaders remain unable to govern effectively. President Bush said that was the most ridiculous thing he has ever heard. Judging leaders by their effectiveness?" --Bill Maher

     

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

George Bush is playing the part of Fredo (2,500 lives)

"I don't know if you've heard this, but in Iraq, the Shiite has hit the fan. This war going on between a powerful Shiite militia and the Iraqi army, which is a powerful Shiite militia. It's so violent that Baghdad and five other cities now are in complete lockdown. No one can go on the streets. So, if you're a Republican looking for a photo-op to show how peaceful it is, now is a good time." --Bill Maher

"By the way, this has nothing to do with al Qaeda. You know, Bush is always talking about 'we're fighting al Qaeda and other extremists.' Yeah, al Qaeda who actually attacked us. This is a war between rival Mafia families with George Bush playing the part of 'Fredo.'" --Bill Maher

"And the U.S. Army is fighting on behalf of one of these rival Shiite militia families. We're fighting on behalf of the Supreme Islamic Council. Aren't you proud of America today, ladies and gentlemen, that we're fighting for the Supreme Islamic Council? That's why we sent our troops there. And Bush said even though the Iraqis are fighting the Iraqis, luckily, a civil war has not broken out." --Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #JusticeDemocrats

George W. Bush is on top of it (It was hard to hear over the explosions)

"But it's gotten crazy. The only politician in New York City that's not having extramarital sex is Ulysses S. Grant. It's not for a lack of trying." --David Letterman

"Vice President Dick Cheney, you know where he is right now? He's in Baghdad. He visited there. While he was in Iraq, he said that it's a successful endeavor. At least I think that's what he said. It was hard to hear over the explosions." --David Letterman

"How about the economy? You folks jittery about the economy? And the stock market? George Bush, earlier today, reassured the country about the economy. He said, 'I'm on top of it.' George W. Bush, our president, said I'm on top it. I said to myself, well, that's good enough for me." --David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #JusticeDemocrats

JOKES: I'd rather be invading Baghdad (Wait, I’m not dead)

During the “In Memoriam” segment they accidentally showed the picture of a woman who is still alive, an Australian producer named Jan Chapman. Which in a way is a much bigger story than “La La Land.” Sure, it’s bad to think you have won Best Picture when you didn’t. But how about being told you’re dead when you’re not? –James Corden

This would send me into a deep existential funk. I would be like, “Wait, I’m not dead. But am I truly living?” –James Corden

The Oscars went very well. We were chugging along. Then all of a sudden out of nowhere, it turned into one of those Maury Povich paternity test shows. –Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html