Flowers, dinner, dancing, a little love making (speaking in full sentences)

On Monday, Hillary Clinton will turn 79. Bill has the whole day planned out. Flowers, dinner, dancing, a little love making, and then home to Hillary. —Greg Gutfeld 

The woman who survived two botched lethal injections in Tennessee is now speaking in full sentences, immediately leapfrogging Kamala Harris for the Democratic 2028 presidential nomination. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Okay, now do a silly one (That's not all it can do)

Tennessee tried and failed to execute a woman on death row after injecting her with lethal drugs twice. Said the woman, "Okay, now do a silly one.” —Colin Jost 

Newly discovered records suggest that, in 1931, Adolf Hitler may have murdered his niece. Okay, that's strike two. —Colin Jost 

Scientists at a lab in Switzerland have developed a robotic hand that can walk on its fingers. "That's not all it can do," said the night janitor. —Colin Jost 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Order what you want. I'll just have a bite of yours (He's obviously never met Greg Gutfeld)

Jenna Bush Hager said she cried when she learned that her dad was engaged to another woman 10 years before he married her mom. I don't even want to hear it, said Chelsea Clinton. —Kat Timpf 

And finally, Florida's AG declared AI is the greatest public nuisance ever created. He's obviously never met Greg Gutfeld. —Kat Timpf 

Tennessee's first female death row inmate in the last 200 years has refused her last meal. She told the executioner, "Order what you want. I'll just have a bite of yours.” —Tom Shillue 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

so hung over (chopped nuts/three wishes)

President Trump today met with the crown prince of Saudi Arabia at the White House. The prince asked for Trump's help fighting terrorism, and Trump asked for three wishes. --Seth Meyers

Finally, a bakery in Tennessee has started selling cakes to celebrate successful vasectomy operations. And this is insensitive -- it has chopped nuts. --Seth Meyers

"This week Pope Francis is celebrating his first anniversary as Pope, and he tweeted to his 3.7 million followers 'Please pray for me.' I was a little surprised that he hashtagged it, 'so hung over.'" –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They can call it, I don't know, March of Crimes (Wazzzzzupppppp!)

A couple in Tennessee recently gave birth to a baby from an embryo that was frozen 24 years ago. Which explains why its first word was “Wazzzzzupppppp!” –Seth Meyers

Then yesterday, the President was dealt another blow when his personal charity, the Trump Foundation, was forced to shut down after prosecutors effectively said it acted as a slush fund for Trump's personal spending. So Trump used his charity to pay for lawsuits, which then prompted a lawsuit that ended the charity. At this point, he's going to have to start a new charity to pay for the lawsuit over the old charity. They can call it, I don't know, March of Crimes. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Is that true or did the president say it? (He’s an amazing artist)

We’re enjoying what could best be described as a full-on Maga freakout after the House oversight committee released images of Jeffrey Epstein’s 50th-birthday book from 2003. The book has turned into a gift that keeps on giving. It not only includes the note from Trump but also a photo of a joke novelty check, purportedly from Trump, made out to Epstein to suggest that he purchased a fully depreciated woman for $22,500. 

We know the check probably isn’t real, because Trump only pays women when they sue him. But this gives you some insight into the fun hijinks and sense of humor Jeff and his buddy Donny shared with their pals. And while our famously verbose president suddenly has no comment on this, his sycophants are left to defend him.

Last night, I joked that Trump would blame this on Joe Biden’s autopen, and I was wrong. Congressman Tim Burchett of Tennessee did that for him. Burchett also added that he had “never known Trump to be much of an artist either”. Oh, well then he couldn’t have done it! What are you talking about? He’s an amazing artist – he’s a con artist, he’s a bullshit artist. Not an artist? He paints his whole face orange every day. —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

One of them even lost an eye... 26 (a solid 24)

In a recent interview, President Trump revealed he has only been sleeping four or five hours a night. While Ben Carson is still getting a solid 24. –Seth Meyers

A Tennessee man with the word "Psycho" tattooed on his forehead was arrested this week for stabbing someone in the stomach. Of course, if you have a tattoo on your forehead, no matter what it says, it says "Psycho." –Seth Meyers

Two elderly women in Canada this week got into a physical fight after they both wanted to sit in the same chair during a game of Bingo. One of them even lost an eye... 26. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

At least steal the couch! (Thor Three/Theriously?)

This week, a woman in Tennessee walked into her home and found two burglars having sex on her couch. When they tried to run away, she yelled, “At least steal the couch!” –Jimmy Fallon

The third movie in the “Thor” series is going to be called “Thor: Ragnarok.” Mainly because calling it “Thor Three” would give everyone a speech impediment. "Theriously?" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Usually you're married a lot longer than that before you hear a gunshot (chopped nuts)

A couple in Ohio yesterday ran a half marathon immediately after getting married at the starting line. Ha, usually you're married a lot longer than that before you hear a gunshot. –Seth Meyers

Finally, a bakery in Tennessee has started selling cakes to celebrate successful vasectomy operations. And this is insensitive -- it has chopped nuts. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's sort of a map for any time travelers looking to save the world (your flamingo has been in an accident)

That's right. President Trump's childhood home in Queens is currently up for sale. And according to "The Wall Street Journal," one of the bedrooms features a sign pointing to the spot where he was likely conceived. It's sort of a map for any time travelers looking to save the world. --Seth Meyers

59 new emojis will be available this fall, including a wheelchair and a flamingo, which is perfect if you need to tell someone your flamingo has been in an accident. --Seth Meyers

A Tennessee man with the word "Psycho" tattooed on his forehead was arrested this week for stabbing someone in the stomach. Of course, if you have a tattoo on your forehead, no matter what it says, it says "Psycho." –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And it turns out… he's beautiful (48 oysters)

A man in Tennessee survived after a stray bullet came through his windshield and only knocked off his glasses. And it turns out… he's beautiful. —Colin Jost

A woman complained online about a date in which a man snuck out of the restaurant and stuck her with the bill after watching her eat 48 oysters. And like you, I was completely on her side until the words "48 oysters.” —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

This is great news — wait, WHAT?! (Eh, tell us when they discover beer)

I read that after facing protests, Whole Foods announced that it will no longer sell food that has been prepared by prison inmates. Customers were like, “This is great news — wait, WHAT?!” –Jimmy Fallon

Today, NASA announced that it has finally discovered water on Mars. When they heard, Americans were like, "Eh, tell us when they discover beer." –Jimmy Fallon

This week, a woman in Tennessee walked into her home and found two burglars having sex on her couch. When they tried to run away, she yelled, “At least steal the couch!” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Which explains why its first word was “Wazzzzzupppppp!” (Not GR-R-REAT!)

​​A couple in Tennessee recently gave birth to a baby from an embryo that was frozen 24 years ago. Which explains why its first word was “Wazzzzzupppppp!” –Seth Meyers

A drunk woman in Nebraska had to be hospitalized this weekend after she broke into a zoo because she wanted to pet a tiger and wound up being bitten by the animal. When asked how she’s doing, the woman said, “Not GR-R-REAT!” –Seth Meyers

A Canadian pharmacy had to apologize this weekend after accidentally handing out bipolar medication on Halloween instead of candy. The victims say they’re sad that it happened, but happy that it happened. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You're not allowed back at the zoo (Hey, that's our slogan/chopped nuts)

Finally, a bakery in Tennessee has started selling cakes to celebrate successful vasectomy operations. And this is insensitive -- it has chopped nuts. --Seth Meyers

 After being bitten by a shark last week, a Colorado man achieved a rare distinction of being attacked by a shark, bear, and rattlesnake all within the last four years. Or as it was reported to the man, you're not allowed back at the zoo. --Seth Meyers

A man in Massachusetts is converting his funeral home into an ice cream parlor with the slogan, "A taste to die for." "Hey, that's our slogan," said Chipotle. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

one of the beautiful things that God has given to the human person (Not the way I do it)

April 2023

Rupert Murdoch’s engagement to Ann Leslie Smith has been called off. Apparently, she got cold feet after Murdoch passed his physical. —Michael Che

In a new documentary, Pope Francis praises the virtues of sex, calling it one of the beautiful things that God has given to the human person. Not the way I do it. —Michael Che

Tennessee republicans expelled two black lawmakers for protesting gun violence, but did not expel a white lawmaker who protested with them. Republicans said they know what it looks like, but they were actually expelled because their skin is black. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What emoji should Papaw use? (unicycles)

March 2023

“There is a social media scandal engulfing Tennessee’s lieutenant governor, Randy McNally, who used his blue-check verified government Instagram account to leave flirty comments on a young gay influencer’s racy photos. A spokesperson for McNally, a 79-year-old Republican politician in a state that has recently passed several laws targeting LGBTQ people, defended his online behavior: ‘Trying to imply something sinister or inappropriate about a great-grandfather’s use of social media says more about the mind of the leftwing operative making the implication than it does about Randy McNally’, said the statement. 

Does he always use the proper emoji at the proper time? Maybe not. But he enjoys interacting with constituents and Tennesseans of all religions, backgrounds and orientations on social media. The spokesperson added that McNally has ‘no intention of stopping’. Yeah, I bet he has no intention of stopping. I don’t like to stop while I’m jerking, either. I love his excuse, though. His excuse is he’s a great-grandfather. That doesn’t make it better! 

The worst part is that you know he probably called his grandson in to teach him how to use Instagram – ‘Hey Blake, grandpa wants to tell this hot young twink that he can ride my face like a unicycle. What emoji should Papaw use?’” — Marlon Wayans

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The pill that everyone wants but can't seem to swallow (I guess his rabies test came back negative)

March 2023

“We are bracing for the start of CPAC, the Republican convention which stands for Clowns Periodically Assembling in Convention centers and offered a chance for the far right to get together and share crazy thoughts. They started it with the traditional 21 assault rifle salute, and the pledge of allegiance to Donald Trump. 

The conference includes real panels like no Chinese balloons above Tennessee, sacking the woke playbook, parents with pitchforks, the Biden crime family and MySpeech by MyPillow CEO Mike Lindell. I guess his rabies test came back negative, and he’s able to speak at this event. 

To buy a general admission ticket, which cost $295, purchasers had to sign a waiver releasing CPAC from liability with respect to Covid. This is the same group of Republicans who say Covid is a joke, make you sign a waiver so they’re not responsible if you die from that joke. Perfect. 

One notable absence from this year’s CPAC is former vice-president Mike Pence. The last time a big group of these Maga monkeys got together, they tried to hang him, so he opted out.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Though she did emphasize that she still hasn’t decided who she’s voting for (That's not true, comma. I speak from the heart, exclamation point.)

President Trump spoke this morning to religious leaders at the National Prayer Breakfast. It's always a slightly awkward situation for a president who's been married three times, paid hush money to a porn star, and has probably, at best, skimmed the Bible. [Meyers as Trump] “And as you all know, God set a fire to a bush so he could collect the insurance money and build a casino. It was smart. It was a smart move." --Seth Meyers

A Tennessee man with the word "Psycho" tattooed on his forehead was arrested this week for stabbing someone in the stomach. Of course, if you have a tattoo on your forehead, no matter what it says, it says "Psycho." –Seth Meyers

Chris Christie, in a new interview, continued to criticize Marco Rubio for his performance in this weekend's debate and said Rubio is scripted and not spontaneous. To which Marco Rubio replied, "That's not true, comma. I speak from the heart, exclamation point." –Seth Meyers

Jeb Bush’s mother, former First Lady Barbara Bush, joined him on the campaign trail yesterday for the first time. Though she did emphasize that she still hasn’t decided who she’s voting for. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I believe in God, but not enough to take a $95 helicopter ride (At least steal the couch!)

This morning, Pope Francis addressed the U.N. General Assembly, and rode around inside the U.N. building in a golf cart. People will never forget what the Pope said as he passed them: "WHEEE!" –Jimmy Fallon

This week, a woman in Tennessee walked into her home and found two burglars having sex on her couch. When they tried to run away, she yelled, “At least steal the couch!” –Jimmy Fallon

Traffic is really backed up here in New York City because of the Pope's visit, but a company called Blade is offering $95 helicopter rides around the city. Even the Pope said, "I believe in God, but not enough to take a $95 helicopter ride.” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Thanks largely to the popularity of Mountain Dew Breast Milk Blast (I'm not gonna lose any sleep over it)

April 2022

The conservative media organization The Daily Wire said they will spend $100 million to create children’s programming to counter woke media companies. Programs will include Clifford, The Big Straight Dog, Encanto, but in English, and One Fish, Two Fish, That’s How Many Fish, That’s How Many Fish Genders There Are. —Colin Jost

Wildlife officials in Tennessee have captured a 500-pound black bear living on a college campus. A black bear that, let’s face it, took the spot of more deserving white and Asian bears. —Colin Jost

A new study shows that in the past twenty years pre-diabetes in children has more than doubled. Thanks largely to the popularity of Mountain Dew Breast Milk Blast. —Colin Jost

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”