they have a huge section devoted to weapons of mass destruction, but nobody can find it (freestyle w*terboarding)

"Congratulations to Chelsea Clinton. Over the weekend, she gave birth to a baby girl. The baby girl will not confirm or deny whether she's running in 2056." –David Letterman

"The Bush Presidential Library is beautiful, and they have a huge section devoted to weapons of mass destruction, but nobody can find it." –David Letterman

"Dick Cheney is all excited about the 2016 Olympics. He's really looking forward to the freestyle waterboarding." --David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I don't have that kind of range (in Minnesota, I’m considered black)

According to a latest poll California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger’s approval rating is down to 30%. After hearing this Arnold said I'm not gonna act all hurt and upset because I don't have that kind of range. --Conan O’Brien 11/10/2005

Minnesota’s Mall of America has hired its first-ever black Santa Claus. Which sounds like a big deal until you realize that in Minnesota, I’m considered black. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That’s like if a capitalist made a hospital everybody could afford (Did you cheat on your wife with Trump?)

New York’s primary elections, which saw Democratic socialists win two House positions and several state seats this week. While every election has its winners and losers, there was one guy who came out on top last night, who wasn’t even on the ballot, and it was Mayor Zohran Mamdani. All three candidates backed by the mayor won their races, leading one commentator to call him a “kingmaker”. A socialist making kings? That’s crazy! That’s like if a capitalist made a hospital everybody could afford. —Josh Johnson 

President Trump has thrown his weight behind the Texas senate nominee Ken Paxton, who has been involved in several political scandals over the past decade, with accusations of bribery, fraud and abuse of office. Last year, his wife filed for divorce on “biblical grounds” after reports that Paxton had been unfaithful. Biblical grounds? I’ve never heard that before. Imagine showing up to your divorce with a Bible, going, ‘He committed all the sins.’ Paxton has gushed about his “love” for Trump, saying “every time I’m around him, it’s infectious.” That’s a weird way to describe your relationship. Did you cheat on your wife with Trump? —Josh Johnson 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Do you not have a dad? (withstanding that shockwave is very underrated)

Democrat lawmakers are complaining that employers are not providing paid leave for women on their periods. Also complaining the male employees. —Greg Gutfeld 

Republicans remain confident for the midterms despite early indicators suggesting they might be in trouble. Senator Ted Cruz was interviewed this week and said he thought voters would care enough about supporting the war in Iran to forget both rising inflation and rising gas prices. You don’t think people care about high gas prices? Do you not have a dad? —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Wow, I'm glad I'm not Joe Biden (In her defense, she was trying to beat the icy grip of death)

So, in her new memoir, Jill Biden says that when Joe was in the White House, he watched Fox News. And he would often turn to her and say, "Wow, I'm glad I'm not Joe Biden.” —Greg Gutfeld

Dr. Jill also claims that Kamala Harris demanded Joe endorse her 20 minutes after he decided to step down. In her defense, she was trying to beat the icy grip of death. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Once you start working for them, a criminal record will be provided for you (It’s like sexual harassment, only republicans take it seriously)

Trump is filling dozens of positions on his communications team. And they are interviewing candidates as we speak. The campaign does say that it doesn’t want anyone with a criminal record. Once you start working for them, a criminal record will be provided for you. --Stephen Colbert

For the first time ever, Donald Trump indicated that he is open to a path to citizenship for Dreamers. Finally, a way for immigrants to become citizens without having to marry Donald Trump. --Stephen Colbert

Donald Trump has a new phrase for all the possible upcoming investigations into his administration. Trump calls it “Presidential Harassment.” It’s like sexual harassment, only republicans take it seriously. --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well, you can't fault Mother Nature for trying (Slappuccino)

There was some breaking news today from the nation's capital. Apparently, a sinkhole has just appeared on the North Lawn of the White House. Well, you can't fault Mother Nature for trying. --James Corden

A coffee company has recalled 65,000 cans of coffee beans over concerns that opening them could cause the lids to fly off and hit people in the face. Although, it saves you a step. Usually you have to drink the coffee to wake up in the morning, but this will take care of that. The coffee company is really trying to put a positive spin on the story. They're marketing this as their brand-new drink, the “Slappuccino.” --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

opening up our public lands for drilling (Second, of course, is...)

"A family values conservative Republican from Indiana, Mark Souder, has admitted to having an affair with a woman on his staff. Apparently Souder would take this woman to remote locations inside state parks and have sex with her. See, this is what Republicans mean when they talk about opening up our public lands for drilling." –Jay Leno

"Earlier today, British Petroleum began this operation known as 'top kill,' which comes on the heels of their previous operations, 'fish kill' and 'bird kill.'" –Jay Leno

"Experts say the Osama bin Laden death photo will be the most viewed image in history. Second, of course, is Sharon Stone from 'Basic Instinct.'" –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Then when the clown gets angry, it is funnier (head to the polls next Tuesday)

"A candidate for governor in Arkansas has revealed he used to be a male stripper. The stripper-turned-candidate is encouraging everyone to head to the polls next Tuesday. And also to go out and vote." –Craig Ferguson

"I really think in all of what happened yesterday, the only person who should be considered a 'loser' is Donald Trump. I'll tell you why. He went on Twitter demanding a revolution. So far no one's listened to him — because he's Donald Trump! After that, Trump tweeted, 'The world is laughing at us.' I'm thinking, No, Donald. The world is laughing at you and this is why. It is because you're wearing an orange face and a crazy wig. This is the uniform the world over of a clown! Nobody laughs WITH the clown. They laugh AT the clown. Then when the clown gets angry, it is funnier." –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Yes, they are called Republicans (starter pack)

 Governor Gavin Newsome announced a plan to provide 400 free diapers for every newborn baby, or as Jill Biden calls it, a starter pack. —Greg Gutfeld

AOC claims there are quote a lot of people who would like to see her run for president in 2028. Yes, they are called Republicans. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Even crazier, they said that before Jeb dropped out (Don't Do It, Man)

I saw that former presidents George W. Bush and George H.W. Bush announced that they will not endorse anyone in the 2016 presidential race. Even crazier, they said that before Jeb dropped out. –Jimmy Fallon

Jay Z is working on a new album to tell his side of the story in response to Beyoncé’s "Lemonade." But before that, his friends are going to release their own song called "Don't Do It, Man." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

I'm my own man, plus another guy (Well, that never stopped us before)

"Jeb Bush has to distance himself from what they call the Bush brand. So he keeps saying, 'I am my own man.' But when Governor Chris Christie is out on the campaign trail, he's always saying, 'I'm my own man, plus another guy.'" –David Letterman

"50 percent of Americans polled said they thought Donald Trump would make a lousy President. Wow! Half said he'd make a lousy President. Well, that never stopped us before." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

it felt more like a fire hose (an Indian treasure)

Legal experts are saying that this week's Supreme Court ruling has taken a wrecking ball to the Voting Rights Act of 1965. But if you ask Black people, it felt more like a fire hose. —Michael Che

This week, King Charles visited the U.S. and met Zohran Mamdani. And I'm surprised he didn't take Mamdani back to England with him because he is an Indian treasure. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If you’re looking to buy a hotdog from a woman in a G-string, Florida is the place you want to be (That’s a bit much!)

The idea that Trump voted by mail at the same time he tried to ram this ‘save my fat orange ass’ act through Congress right now, which is a bill that would do away with mail-in ballots, has put leaders in the GOP in a bit of a pickle. Asked about this latest act of brazen hypocrisy, Mike Johnson, the Republican speaker of the House, attempted to sidestep. “I think some states have handled mail-in voting well,” he said. “I think Florida is a good example of that. They don’t allow fraud, they’ve got great systems. That is not true in other parts of the country,” like California. Listen, I’ve lived in both states, and the only thing Florida does better is get manatees addicted to meth, all right? If you’re looking to buy a hotdog from a woman in a G-string, Florida is the place you want to be. —Jimmy Kimmel

There are reports that Pentagon officials provided Trump with daily “sizzle reels” of military strikes in Iran to boost his mood. Just step back and think about this: every day, they’re bringing him these fun little action movies of us blowing stuff up. Everyone’s telling him how great he’s doing. He’s got four whole cable networks dedicated to kissing his ass 24/7. His staff is terrified to ever bring him any bad news, and he has the memory of a worm at the bottom of a bottle of mezcal. And this is the man in charge of sending our children to war – at least the ones whose dads don’t have a good podiatrist to get them out of it. Our own government is making war propaganda videos for the person running the war. Even Kim Jong-un is like, ‘That’s a bit much!’ —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Take your kids to work every day (White House drywall)

Today we are celebrating the win of Democrat Emily Gregory in a special Florida state election which flipped Trump’s Mar-a-Lago district blue for the first time in years. It’s a real kick in the golf balls for Mar-a-Lardo. Let’s just say there are a lot of tiny fist-sized holes getting punched in the White House drywall today. —Jimmy Kimmel

“Trump keeps saying that it was brought to his attention today that we’re the only country that does mail-in voting – when is someone going to step in and tell him that’s not true? Thirty-four countries have mail-in voting. All the countries that have mail have mail-in voting. Trump made those comments on Monday. On Tuesday, he voted by mail in Florida, for a special local election (a Democrat, Emily Gregory, flipped the state seat for the district that contains Trump’s Mar-a-Lago estate). He’s unbelievable. Donald Trump claiming he wants to protect election integrity is like Bill Cosby telling you he’ll watch your drink for you.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the series finale of America (Trust Me)

This was expected to be the most-watched debate ever. The ratings were expected to rank up with the finale of “Cheers,” the finale of “M.A.S.H.” Makes sense, in a way this election feels like the series finale of America. –Jimmy Kimmel

It’s our responsibility as Americans to register to vote, to go to our local polling places, and make a choice between two people nobody can believe are our only available options. –Jimmy Kimmel

"Pope Francis just got a used car, a 1984 Renault with 190,000 miles on it. The Pope said he wanted an old car so he could drive around listening to his Billy Idol cassettes." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

We all assume he failed everything (Cupcakes and Orgasms!)

Last week Michael Cohen told congress that Trump ordered him to threaten his high school to never release his grades. What could he possibly be hiding? We all assume he failed everything. --Stephen Colbert

In a poll last year, 90% of Americans said that they thought it was important that guaranteed coverage for pre-existing conditions remains the law. That’s huge! The only thing with a higher approval rating is Tom Hanks on a unicorn throwing you a birthday party where the theme is “Cupcakes and Orgasms!” --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I guess my bologna really does have a first name (a crisp nut-punch)

“There was plenty of talk of a so-called ‘red wave’ ahead of the midterms, but as it turns out, it wasn’t as bad as the people who make money off of fear wanted us to fear it would be. Tuesday’s results are a crisp nut-punch to Republican optimism leading up into this election. Look how confident Republicans were before the election with Donald Trump Jr. tweeting that it was going to be a ‘bloodbath!’ of Republican victories. That did not age well. Reminds me of what General Custer tweeted just before Little Bighorn: ‘This is gonna be awesome. Ow, I just got shot in the head.’” —Stephen Colbert

Researchers somewhere studied 75 brands of hot dogs and found some of them contained human DNA. I guess my bologna really does have a first name. –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What's up her butt? (The other two thirds go to the dentist)

Paul Simon's daughter blasted Richard Gere on social media for his plan to sell the singer's former home. “What's up her butt?" said the actor. —Greg Gutfeld

Nearly one third of Americans think they could pass themselves off as British. The other two thirds go to the dentist. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

In her defense she was already pretty drunk (sex tape)

A New York woman fell flat on her face after trying to snatch a MAGA hat off a fellow subway passenger. In her defense Kamala Harris was already pretty drunk. —Greg Gutfeld 

Disney's Snow White is projected to be the lowest earning live-action remake in the company's history. It's the worst thing to happen to Disney since someone leaked the Minnie Mouse and Tommy Lee sex tape. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”