since I flew to an island with my buddy Jeffrey Epstein (a careful study of socks)

RFK Jr. claims teenage boys in the 1970s had twice as much sperm as today’s teens. This after a careful study of socks. —Greg Gutfeld

Tiger Woods appeared earlier today in a Florida courtroom. He wasn't scheduled to appear. He just lost control of his SUV and crashed into the courthouse. —Greg Gutfeld

President Trump is traveling to China with Elon Musk, Tim Cook, and 15 billionaire CEOs. I haven't seen that many billionaires on a plane since I flew to an island with my buddy Jeffrey Epstein. —Greg Gutfeld. 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

good-looking chick (radioactive toilet flush)

 

90-year-old golf legend Gary Player was called sexist for referring to a reporter as a good-looking chick. But all was forgiven moments later when Tiger Woods ran him over. —Greg Gutfeld    

A new report shows millions of gallons of radioactive water was released into the Hudson River that flows to New York City. In a related story, Jerry Nadler flushed his toilet. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 
and Orwell’s 1984.”

he once mysteriously teleported to a Waffle House 50 miles away (Moist people)

A top FEMA official revealed in an interview that he once mysteriously teleported to a Waffle House 50 miles away… which is a phenomenon better known as drunk driving. —Colin Jost

Tiger Woods was arrested for a DUI after a rollover crash in Florida. Tiger said he was disappointed in himself because he just missed the green. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It comes pre-crashed (the world's longest receipt)

Today is the first day of the New York Auto Show. It went well. Only 30 cars were stolen. They've even made a new Tiger Woods edition SUV. It comes pre-crashed. —Tom Shillue

CVS plans to open 60 new stores in 2026. It's all part of a bigger plan to create the world's longest receipt. —Tom Shillue

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

she kept penalizing players for things they did four games ago (reverse distributed)

A female former NFL ref is suing the league for being fired because of her gender. However, many complain she kept penalizing players for things they did four games ago. —Greg Gutfeld

Wednesday was National Walking Day, but celebrations were sparse given the high likelihood of being run down by Tiger Woods. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

No need to thank me (Black Labs)

The Bidens have adopted two rescue Black Labs while their son Hunter has rescued a meth lab. —Greg Gutfeld

Golf legend, Tiger Woods was arrested on charges after he flipped his car. Police say the crash could have been worse, but Tiger is only half Asian. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

XBOX 360: The Masters (Jack Nicklaus, Tiger Woods, Rory McIlroy)

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Here are the funds for your Death Star, Lord Trump (This is a man who would sell ad time during a moment of silence)

"It's nice to know that no matter how bad things get in the Middle East, Mitt Romney is always there to make them worse. You saw him this week when our embassies were under attack, before any facts were in he tried to score political points because he sees everything as a business opportunity. This is a man who would sell ad time during a moment of silence." –Bill Maher

"One of the Chilean miners had four women waiting for him; there was the wife he never divorced, then there was the woman he lives with, then there was his current girlfriend and then the baby mama. He is now known as the Tiger Woods of mining." –Bill Maher, on one of the Chilean miners

"The Republican who summarized it best was Indiana Republican Marlin Stutzman, who said, 'We're not going to be disrespected. We have to get something out of this, and I don't even know what that is.' Say what you will about a toddler throwing a tantrum in the grocery store. At least he knows he wants Coco Puffs." –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He gets to spend the rest of the week serving as Donald Trump's toupee (he apologized to the mistress in your region)

"CBS announced today the Pope will be replaced by Ashton Kutcher." –Craig Ferguson

“Everyone throws beads on Mardi Gras. The beads are paid for by local businessmen who ride on elaborate floats and toss little trinkets to the desperate masses in the streets. Which is also Mitt Romney's economic plan.” –Craig Ferguson

"The Tiger Woods press conference was earlier today, and I was riveted by that. I think the most interesting part was when he apologized to the 'mistress in your region.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Last night's Best in Show was a little affenpinscher. It's a German dog. The affenpinscher's name is Banana Joe. Banana Joe's being treated like royalty today in New York. This afternoon, he went to a steakhouse. Then he gets to spend the rest of the week serving as Donald Trump's toupee." –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I am confident that they eventually will find a soul (Tiger Woods gave the president some very valuable tips)

February 2013

"Since the brutal presidential election, there's been a lot of soul searching going on at Fox News. I am confident that they eventually will find one." –Stephen Colbert

"Over the weekend, President Obama played golf with Tiger Woods. Tiger said the president was a very good golfer for a guy who plays only five days a week." –Jay Leno

"Actually, you know what the president's handicap is? He doesn't understand economics." –Jay Leno

"Actually, Tiger Woods gave the president some very valuable tips. The most valuable one? Erase all of your text messages." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Both got in trouble because of their stimulus package (the Pope said he's sworn off spring break forever)

February 2013

"Actually Tiger Woods and President Obama both have something in common. Both got in trouble because of their stimulus package." –Jay Leno

"A top geneticist at Stanford says human intelligence is declining. You know what that means? We are seeing Congress at its smartest and most effective right now." –Jay Leno

"We're learning more about the Pope's condition. The Vatican announced that Pope Benedict hit his head during his March 2012 trip to Mexico. In fact, right after that, the Pope said he's sworn off spring break forever." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So at least some good has come out of it (I can only show you the door)

October 2012

"Folks back east are feeling the devastating effects of Hurricane Sandy — 100-mile-an-hour winds, lot of folks without power. Because of the hurricane, both candidates have had to cancel speeches and campaign events. So at least some good has come out of it." –Jay Leno

"The Giants swept the Tigers four straight to win the World Series. The last time a Tiger took a beating this bad, he had a nine-iron through the back window of his Escalade." –Jay Leno

"I don't want to say that was a tough World Series, but today Detroit asked for another bailout." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They're concerned all this golf is cutting into his fund-raising (We Are the 99%)

June 2012

"President Obama spent about four hours on Father's Day playing golf at a country club in Chicago. It was his 100th round of golf since taking office. He's played more golf than Tiger Woods in the last four years. Actually, Obama's staff is a little concerned. They're concerned all this golf is cutting into his fund-raising." –Jay Leno

"It's a great day for our president. He's down in Mexico for the G-20 Summit. Today he met with Russia's Vladimir Putin. He said 'I think your communist policies are a danger to the world.' There's no word on how Obama responded." –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html

“A poet that belongs with the Masters. A magisterial collection. A combination of 

Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And I thought this was nice — they let him shoot the donor himself (MSNBC sent chili cheese fries)

March 2012

“This weekend 71-year-old former Vice President Dick Cheney received a heart transplant. And I thought this was nice — they let him shoot the donor himself.” –Jay Leno

“Fox News sent Dick Cheney flowers. MSNBC sent chili cheese fries.” –Jay Leno

“Congratulations to Tiger Woods on his 1st win in 30 months. Now the guy who's gone the longest without a win is Newt Gingrich.” –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html

“A poet that belongs with the Masters. A magisterial collection. A combination of 

Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

the Census Bureau lost count halfway through and had to start over (It's almost as if it works or something)

"The Pilgrims landed on this date in 1620. The first year they lost everything they had, in an Indian casino." –David Letterman

"Sarah Palin is angry that Michelle Obama is suggesting that parents encourage their kids to eat healthy. Palin thinks that if we have healthy children, the terrorists have won." –David Letterman 

David Letterman's "Top Ten Surprises In The 2010 Census"

10. Census Bureau lost count halfway through and had to start over

9. Population has grown by 9.7 percent; Population's waist size has grown by 42 percent

8. North Dakota is used mainly for storage

7. The profile of the average American is a Minnesota claims adjuster name Duane

6. Wealthiest neighborhood is wherever Tiger Woods' ex-wife is staying that day

5. More Americans get their news from RKO newsreels than from any other source

4. Only one American wore a meat dress last year

3. Osama bin Laden owns a specialty cheese shop in Park Slope, Brooklyn

2. Eighty-seven percent of professional athletes have dated Kim Kardashian

1. Most common name for women: Mrs. Larry King

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Especially the parts about Dumbledore and Voldemort (Oh, I f**king hate wine!)

"You can tell President Obama wrote his children's book a few years ago. It lists 13 great Americans and they include Bernie Madoff, Tiger Woods, and Charlie Sheen." –Craig Ferguson

"For Republicans, Bill Clinton is like a fine wine -- the more you drink, the harder it is to remember, 'Oh, I f**king hate wine!'" –Jon Stewart

"Rep. John Boehner is the new speaker of the House. Turn-ons include tax cuts and spray tans." –Craig Ferguson

"Reports suggest that parts of former President Bush's new book may have been lifted from other books. Especially the parts about Dumbledore and Voldemort." –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

They can't afford to be seen being for freedom or equality (the Tiger Woods of mining)

from October 2010

"The Obama administration had quite a day today annihilating the people who might vote for them. They appealed the ruling striking down Don't Ask, Don't Tell, even though they are supposed to be for striking it down. And then they said even if California legalized pot, the feds would still come in and bust people. But in fairness to Obama, it is an election year and Democrats can't afford to be seen being for freedom or equality." –Bill Maher

"One of the Chilean miners had four women waiting for him; there was the wife he never divorced, then there was the woman he lives with, then there was his current girlfriend and then the baby mama. He is now known as the Tiger Woods of mining." –Bill Maher, on one of the Chilean miners

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Well, if that doesn't get the Democrats to rally, nothing will (this should be a piece of cake)

"Rush Limbaugh says if healthcare reform passes, he's going to leave the country and move to Costa Rica. Hey, you know what that means, right? That means one less overweight smoker the rest of us don't have to pay for." –Jay Leno

"Healthcare passes, Rush Limbaugh leaving. Or as President Obama calls that, a 'win-win.'" –Jay Leno

"The big rumor is Tiger Woods is getting ready to return to golf. Tiger has hired Ari Fleischer, George Bush's former press secretary, to handle the press for him. I guess Ari Fleischer figures after years of trying to explain George W. Bush, this should be a piece of cake." –Jay Leno

"And I love this. Radio host Rush Limbaugh says he will leave the United States if healthcare reform passes. Well, if that doesn't get the Democrats to rally, nothing will." –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

That sounds like something Congress would give you a medal for, doesn't it? (He described the attack as 'al dente.')

"The Obamas also said on that Christmas Eve they will leave milk and cookies in the yellow room for Santa. And today, Glenn Beck accused them of trying to bribe a foreign dignitary." –Jimmy Fallon

"This is crazy. Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi was hit in the face at a rally in Rome yesterday. Berlusconi said he wasn't hit too hard, or too soft. He described the attack as 'al dente.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Well, did you hear about this? According to TMZ, you know, Congress was supposed to award Tiger Woods the Congressional Gold Medal, our highest civilian honor, then had to withdraw it, because of the scandal, which seems odd to me. I mean, what's it up to now? Fifteen mistresses? That sounds like something Congress would give you a medal for, doesn't it?" –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

It was their final, most essential command (Then the Cleveland Browns are like, "That's it?")

Over the weekend, Michelle Obama officiated at a wedding in Chicago. The couple would have asked Barack to do it, but they wanted to keep the ceremony under two hours. --Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday, Tiger Woods won his first tournament in five years. It was a huge moment for golf. I read that it's been over 1,800 days since Tiger Woods last won. Then the Cleveland Browns are like, "That's it?" --Jimmy Fallon

Weight Watchers is shortening its name to WW. Which means in the next Weight Watchers commercial, you're going to see the name bragging about how it dropped 12 letters. --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”