If you needed another reason to be furious at Democrats (funny pages)

"President Bush is criticizing the New York Times for revealing how we track terrorists' money. He's also criticized the Times for not having the funny pages." --David Letterman

"I think Dick Cheney is getting a little wacky, because earlier today, he came out in favor of same-sex waterboarding. Dick, are you all right? Are you okay, Dick?" --David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The smart money is on Tim Tebow (and the number is growing by the hour)

"Dick Cheney was on television yesterday. He was giving an hour-long speech. In the speech, he's defending waterboarding. I thought, boy, that's a tough call — would you rather be waterboarded or listen to Cheney for an hour?" --David Letterman

"Good news from President Bush. At a press conference yesterday, he was upbeat, he was cheerful, he was optimistic. Yeah, that's right. He's drinking again. They say he's having a pretty good week and you got to give him credit because, earlier in the week, President Bush quietly sneaked into Iraq. Here's an idea: Why don't we quietly sneak out of Iraq?" –David Letterman

"Big news coming out of the Vatican. Pope Benedict resigned. And they're busy looking for replacements. The smart money is on Tim Tebow." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

they have a huge section devoted to weapons of mass destruction, but nobody can find it (freestyle w*terboarding)

"Congratulations to Chelsea Clinton. Over the weekend, she gave birth to a baby girl. The baby girl will not confirm or deny whether she's running in 2056." –David Letterman

"The Bush Presidential Library is beautiful, and they have a huge section devoted to weapons of mass destruction, but nobody can find it." –David Letterman

"Dick Cheney is all excited about the 2016 Olympics. He's really looking forward to the freestyle waterboarding." --David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Are you okay, Dick? (I thought, boy, that's a tough call)

"I think Dick Cheney is getting a little wacky, because earlier today, he came out in favor of same-sex waterboarding. Dick, are you all right? Are you okay, Dick?" --David Letterman

"Dick Cheney was on television yesterday. He gave an hour-long speech. In the speech, he defended waterboarding. I thought, boy, that's a tough call — would you rather be waterboarded or listen to Cheney for an hour?" --David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Oh, great. NOW what's Oprah going to do for her last guest? (183 times)

"When I heard bin Laden had been killed I went, 'Oh, great. NOW what's Oprah going to do for her last guest?'" –David Letterman

"Dick Cheney, the former vice president, said that President Obama went too far with the jokes at the correspondents' dinner. By too far, does Cheney mean like waterboarding a guy 183 times?" --David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I finally got it (It’s how I got two of my three wives to say yes)

In a speech yesterday, Donald Trump spoke in favor of waterboarding. Trump said, "It’s how I got two of my three wives to say yes." –Conan O’Brien

On stage in Indianapolis, the Dalai Lama got a fit of the giggles. When asked why he said, "For decades people have been saying to me 'hello, Dalai' and I finally got it." –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Go Demons! Go Demons! (183 times)

"Dick Cheney, the former vice president, said that President Obama went too far with the jokes at the correspondents' dinner. By too far, does Cheney mean like waterboarding a guy 183 times?" --David Letterman

"Dick Cheney went to see the Tom Hanks film 'Angels and Demons,' and through the whole movie he's screaming, 'Go Demons! Go Demons.'" --David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

they'll fight the plan with congressmen who are both affordable and easy to use (symbol of democracy)

"Yesterday, Dick Cheney said his lesbian daughter Mary has convinced him to support gay marriage. Pretty cool, yeah. Yeah. Cheney made the announcement after Mary was spotted waterboarding him." --Conan O'Brien

"President Obama's in the news, of course. He's put health care back in the news. President Obama says he wants to create a national health care plan that's both affordable and easy to use. Yup. Yeah, good. Yeah, and the insurance industry says they'll fight the plan with congressmen who are both affordable and easy to use." --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Are you okay, Dick? (But think about it, who among us hasn't had a couple of drinks and invaded Iraq?)

"Dick Cheney was on television yesterday. He's giving an hour-long speech. In the speech, he's defending waterboarding. I thought, boy, that's a tough call — would you rather be waterboarded or listen to Cheney for an hour?" --David Letterman

"I think Dick Cheney is getting a little wacky, because earlier today, he came out in favor of same-sex waterboarding. Dick, are you all right? Are you okay, Dick?" --David Letterman

"President Bush is everywhere talking about his book and he's being very candid. In one interview, he said that he used to do stupid things while he was drunk. But think about it, who among us hasn't had a couple of drinks and invaded Iraq?" –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well, President Trump will certainly put an end to that (183 times)

"Donald Trump may be running for president. He said he is sick and tired of the rest of the world laughing at the United States. Well, President Trump will certainly put an end to that." –David Letterman

"Dick Cheney, the former vice president, said that President Obama went too far with the jokes at the correspondents' dinner. By too far, does Cheney mean like waterboarding a guy 183 times?" --David Letterman

"You folks been following the big British Petroleum oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? I'm telling you, British Petroleum has put more birds in oil than Colonel Sanders." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

In a related story, Pope Francis is missing (You mean like...)

Chris Christie said that if elected president, he would not rule out waterboarding. Then he said, "Not for prisoners, but as a way to prepare chicken." –Conan O’Brien

Pope Francis is calling for an audit of all the Catholic Church’s wealth. In a related story, Pope Francis is missing. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Who among us hasn't had a couple of drinks and invaded Iraq? (Not Happy)

"Former President George W. Bush was all over TV promoting his book, 'Decision Points.' On 'Rachael Ray,' they waterboarded a veal cutlet." –David Letterman

"President Bush is everywhere talking about his book and he's being very candid. In one interview, he said that he used to do stupid things while he was drunk. But think about it, who among us hasn't had a couple of drinks and invaded Iraq?" —David Letterman

"Sarah Palin's already received a million dollars for her book. You know what she did? She went shopping. You know where she went? Bed, Bath And You Betcha." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Ich bin ein waterboarder (the most feared individual on the planet)

"The real question now is, is this a one-time thing, or will the vice president try to kill again." --David Letterman

"The Berlin Wall, very famous. That's where Dick Cheney delivered his famous line, 'Ich bin ein waterboarder.'" –David Letterman

"The former chef of the White House has written a tell-all book. For example, he says that Dick Cheney, Vice President, his favorite dish is a dish called Chicken Gitmo. It's chicken bound and gagged on a bed of rice." --David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This is the kind of thing that could damage their 10 percent approval rating (He's really looking forward to the freestyle waterboarding)

"People are saying now that before the government shutdown congressmen went out and got drunk – celebrating that they had shut down the government. This is the kind of thing that could damage their 10 percent approval rating." –David Letterman

"Dick Cheney is all excited about the 2016 Olympics. He's really looking forward to the freestyle waterboarding." --David Letterman

"They say it's a partial government shutdown, and I can remember something similar happened. It was like the government was shut down for eight years when George W. Bush was president." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

It’s the first time Trump has complimented anything that’s over 40 years old (all the ponies in Iowa have gone into hiding)

In a tweet this morning, President Trump called Confederate statues “beautiful.” People were shocked because it’s the first time Trump has complimented anything that’s over 40 years old. –Conan O’Brien

"Yesterday, Dick Cheney said his lesbian daughter Mary has convinced him to support gay marriage. Pretty cool, yeah. Yeah. Cheney made the announcement after Mary was spotted waterboarding him." --Conan O'Brien

Chris Christie said he will top Donald Trump's Iowa State Fair helicopter entrance by riding in on a pony. As a result, all the ponies in Iowa have gone into hiding. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They don't build'em like they used to (she will be replaced by an especially loud leaf blower)

Nancy Grace is leaving Headline News in October. The network announced she will be replaced by an especially loud leaf blower. –Conan O’Brien

After making insulting remarks about Mexicans, Donald Trump has been kicked off of NBC and Univision. On the bright side, Trump's hair has a new show on Animal Planet. –Conan O’Brien

In a speech yesterday, Donald Trump spoke in favor of waterboarding. Trump said, "It’s how I got two of my three wives to say yes." –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

I tell you, the problem with this is they’d make such a cute couple (He thinks it's waterboarding, but colder)

"Mitt Romney and Rick Santorum are both against gay marriage. Really, against gay marriage? I tell you, the problem with this is they’d make such a cute couple.” –David Letterman

"Dick Cheney loves snowboarding. He thinks it's waterboarding, but colder." –David Letterman

"Mitt Romney loves Valentine's Day. Today he sent a dozen long-stemmed red roses to his money." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'm my own man, plus another guy (Well, that never stopped us before)

"50 percent of Americans polled said they thought Donald Trump would make a lousy President. Wow! Half said he'd make a lousy President. Well, that never stopped us before." –David Letterman

"Dick Cheney, the former vice president, said that President Obama went too far with the jokes at the correspondents' dinner. By too far, does Cheney mean like waterboarding a guy 183 times?" --David Letterman

"Jeb Bush has to distance himself from what they call the Bush brand. So he keeps saying, 'I am my own man.' But when Governor Chris Christie is out on the campaign trail, he's always saying, 'I'm my own man, plus another guy.'" –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I believe this is the first time the words 'Bush' and 'complex' have been used in the same sentence (they waterboarded a veal cutlet)

"Former President George W. Bush was all over TV promoting his book, 'Decision Points.' On 'Rachael Ray,' they waterboarded a veal cutlet." –David Letterman

"Ceremonies for the George W. Bush center in Dallas. The official name of the place is George W. Bush Presidential Center and Go-Kart Track and water park. The George W. Bush Presidential Center is part of a $250 million complex. I believe this is the first time the words 'Bush' and 'complex' have been used in the same sentence." –David Letterman

"President Bush is everywhere talking about his book and he's being very candid. In one interview, he said that he used to do stupid things while he was drunk. But think about it, who among us hasn't had a couple of drinks and invaded Iraq?" —David Letterman

"On Friday, President Obama pardoned the White House turkey. Mmm-boy. Dick Cheney didn't miss an opportunity. He proved that Obama is soft on poultry." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This is the kind of thing that could damage their 10 percent approval rating (He's really looking forward to the freestyle waterboarding)

"Dick Cheney is all excited about the 2016 Olympics. He's really looking forward to the freestyle waterboarding." --David Letterman

"It's day nine of the government shutdown. Are you like me? Are you beginning to miss the days when we were ruled by a mad English king?" –David Letterman

"People are saying now that before the government shutdown congressmen went out and got drunk – celebrating that they had shut down the government. This is the kind of thing that could damage their 10 percent approval rating." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”