lay low for a while until this all combs over (you're the first person sober enough to notice)

Donald Trump got in some trouble for saying that John McCain is not a war hero, and said, “I like people that weren’t captured.” Not good. In fact, Trump's people are telling him to lay low for a while until this all combs over. —Jimmy Fallon

Rick Perry actually said Trump is a toxic mix of demagoguery and nonsense who is unfit to be president. Then Perry took off his glasses and said, "Whoa! I think these things are magic!” —Jimmy Fallon

“A man in Illinois is suing Buffalo Wild Wings because he claims their boneless wings are just chicken nuggets. Buffalo Wild Wings was like, ‘Congrats, you're the first person sober enough to notice.’” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What are the odds? (he told me to open my mouth and say oink)

A Florida man was arrested for stealing a truck filled with $75,000 worth of Campbell’s Soup. I for one hope this guy goes away for Mmm-Mmm good. —Norm Macdonald

Hey news media leave Kim Kardashian alone will you. She's pregnant, of course she's gonna she's going to gain weight. And if anyone knows about rapid weight gain it's me. You know I went to see the doctor about it and he told me to open my mouth and say oink. —Norm Macdonald

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He's worth nothing! (rubbing Vick's Vap-o Rub on my parakeet)

 

"John McCain arrived in Minnesota today. The last time McCain stopped in that state he was shooting buffalo from a train, so it's been a while." --Jay Leno

"This bird flu is scary. Are you frightened by this? I spent an hour last night rubbing Vick's Vap-o Rub on my parakeet." --Jay Leno

"Today is the day we celebrate Dr. King's birthday. I'm not quite sure President Bush understands this. When he was told it's Dr. King's birthday, he said, 'Larry's a doctor?' And did you hear what happened in Sacramento? Arnold Schwarzenegger celebrated by crashing his motorcycle into Al Sharpton." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'm gonna stop you right there (So finally, some good news for Laker fans)

Today, a top LGBT organization officially endorsed Hillary Clinton. Upon hearing this, Bill Clinton said, "You had me at L." –Conan O’Brien

Today, Donald Trump got the endorsement of Sarah Palin. When he heard, John McCain said, "Well, then you’re all set." –Conan O’Brien

Some scientists say it’s theoretically possible that there may be a universe where time moves backwards. So finally, some good news for Laker fans. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Jimmy Dore: Jokes of the Week - September 12, 2014

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

How fast was that kid going? (a cheap prescription drug plan)

"John McCain of Arizona is facing a tough re-election campaign. The key issue is illegal immigration. I don't want to say McCain is old, but in his first election, the illegal immigrants were white people." –Jay Leno

"I'm sure you know by now Muslim groups are outraged and are rioting over cartoons that are appearing in European newspapers that they say are offensive. Now they have attacked something very important to President Bush. The comics." --Jay Leno

 

"Happy birthday to Rush Limbaugh. He's 55 years old. You have to give Rush credit. He's probably the only Republican in the country with a cheap prescription drug plan." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Is 28% still technically an approval rating? (Top all-time recipients of insurance money)

"Monopoly is getting a big makeover. They want to make the Monopoly game more modern and bring it up to date to reflect our current culture. Like, in the new version of Monopoly, the banker never goes to jail." –Jay Leno

"President Bush's approval rating has dropped to an all-time low of 28%. Here's my question: Is 28% still technically an approval rating?" --Jay Leno (5/9/2007)

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well, it turns out he isn't. I know, I was surprised, too (Old White Monday)

"The Dow fell 504 points yesterday. I'll be honest, I have no idea what that means, but apparently it's really bad. On Wall Street they were calling it Black Monday. And John McCain was quick to point out it was Black Monday, not Old White Monday." –Jimmy Kimmel

Donald Trump did not seem to know all the words to the national anthem. But there might be a good explanation for it. You know how the president keeps telling us he's a genius? Well, it turns out he isn't. I know, I was surprised, too. --Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Top all-time recipients of insurance money (What are the odds?)

Over the weekend F1 the movie brought in $140 million. Man, Hollywood must be desperate for content, making a movie about a button on my keyboard. —Greg Gutfeld

Over the weekend the Kardashians, Jenners and other celebrities went to Venice to celebrate the Jeff Bezos -Lauren Sanchez wedding. It was the largest concentration of Ozempic outside of Rosie O’Donnell's urine sample. —Greg Gutfeld

Because Jeff Bezos owns the Washington Post after he and Lauren Sanchez said their I-Dos the officient said, "I now pronounce you paper and plastic.” —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Welcome to the Internet, grandpa (George W. Bush comedy material)

"President Obama finally has his own personal Twitter account. Even John McCain said, 'Welcome to the Internet, grandpa.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"George W. Bush gave a commencement speech at Southern Methodist University this weekend. It was pretty inspirational. He said, 'As I like to tell the 'C' students, you too can be president.' Even George W. Bush has George W. Bush comedy material in his act." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

She's Not Wrong (they’re planning to open a second checkout lane)

According to a new report, Amazon is now worth twice as much as Walmart. In response, Walmart announced that they’re planning to open a second checkout lane. –Seth Meyers

Bernie Sanders said it’s a great idea to have a woman as vice president. John McCain was like, “Is it?!” –Seth Meyers

A couple in Ohio yesterday ran a half marathon immediately after getting married at the starting line. Ha, usually you're married a lot longer than that before you hear a gunshot. –Seth Meyers

"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie today appeared on a talk show called 'Pasta and Politics.' It went so well that he's agreed to go on 'Meet the Garlic Press.'" –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The study was funded by Trojan condoms (You had me at L)

According to a new study, the average cost of raising a child in America is now over $200,000. The study was funded by Trojan condoms. –Conan O’Brien

Today, a top LGBT organization officially endorsed Hillary Clinton. Upon hearing this, Bill Clinton said, "You had me at L." –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The Thin Bread Crust (like if you're editor of the New York Times)

 

"It was reported yesterday that Florida Gov. Jeb Bush reads three newspapers a day. Well, actually, he reads them to his brother George." --Jay Leno

"So the last governor was going to hookers. The new governor admits to having an affair. Do you think New York is longing for the good old days when Rudy Giuliani would just run around in women's clothes?" --Jay Leno

 

"Now that he is the Republican frontrunner, it looks like John McCain has changed his position on torture. He's now in favor of waterboarding, but only in very limited cases -- like if you're editor of the New York Times." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They had what they called 'Hanging Juans.' (but wasn’t that an episode of Dukes of Hazzard?)

 

"Hey, anybody seen John McCain? He was a guest on the 'Rachael Ray' show today. You know, I think he's trying to attract younger voters. I think it might have backfired on him a little bit. Like when Rachael Ray put something in the microwave, McCain said, 'Hey, that's a pretty fancy breadbox you've got there. "Hey, an electric bread box!'" --Jay Leno

"Earlier last week the leftist candidate was declared the winner in the Mexican presidential election. Then after the recount, the conservative candidate was named president. Apparently, they had some problems with the ballots. They had what they called 'Hanging Juans.'" –Jay Leno

 

"I guess there are some problems with Sarah Palin, though. Have you heard about this 'Troopergate' scandal? Palin allegedly used her power as governor to pressure officials to fire her former brother-in-law from his state trooper job. Now, maybe I'm wrong, but wasn’t that an episode of 'Dukes of Hazzard?'" --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I think the voters told him they want to start seeing other candidates (which breaks Kenny Rogers' old record)

"According to the latest polls out today, John McCain now has a double digit lead over the Democrats. To give you an idea how far McCain is ahead in the polls, today, Hillary offered him the vice presidency." --Jay Leno

“It was a bad night for Newt Gingrich. In terms that Newt can understand, I think the voters told him they want to start seeing other candidates.” –Jay Leno

 

"The new White House press spokesman is Fox News Channel's Tony Snow. This is the White House's third new face in two weeks, which breaks Kenny Rogers' old record." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Dude, it was crazy. He roasted a whole pig and we played beer bong (birth pangs)

"But as some see mayhem and chaos in the violence, Condoleezza Rice sees chaos and makes 'mayhemade' [on screen: Rice saying, 'What we're seeing here, in a sense, is the growing birth pangs of a new Middle East']. Birth pangs? Yes, I believe today's contraction took out a city block." --Jon Stewart

"But I guess the only solace for the Democrats is that the Republican challengers McCain and Huckabee are also still locked in a battle to the finish [on screen: CNN's Dana Bash saying, 'I'm Dana Bash in Sedona, Arizona. John McCain, he's here this weekend. We just got back from a barbecue at his house. He had a gas grill going. He was barbecuing baby back ribs']. Dude, it was crazy. He roasted a whole pig and we played beer bong. Then Lindsey Graham jumped in the pool with his clothes on. He's nuts." --Jon Stewart

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Long story short: She adopted him (Well, then you’re all set)

"Today, Angelina Jolie met with Pope Francis at the Vatican. Long story short: She adopted him." –Conan O'Brien

Today, Donald Trump got the endorsement of Sarah Palin. When he heard, John McCain said, "Well, then you’re all set." –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

His advisors think this is the best way to bring his approval rating up (a woman not currently sleeping with her husband)

 

"Actually, both Britney Spears and Paris Hilton have now commented on the John McCain political ad. And both of them said, 'Who's John McCain?' So I don't know." --Jay Leno

"As you know President Bush is currently on vacation in Texas. He said he's going to try and do absolutely nothing for the next ten days. His advisors think this is the best way to bring his approval rating up. Just don't do anything." --Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton is furious at Ann Coulter for attacking the 9/11 widows. This is the maddest Hillary's ever been at a woman not currently sleeping with her husband." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You know, if they'd get off our butts and quit squeezing our nuts, we could enjoy Christmas (Hey, an electric bread box!)

"Yesterday in Louisiana, a judge denied an interracial couple a marriage license because he felt, I quote, their children would later suffer in life from being interracial. Like when they become president or win the Masters or get an Oscar."  --Jay Leno

"Talking to reporters today about the shutdown, John Boehner said, 'If ands or buts were candy and nuts, every day would be Christmas.' You know, if they'd get off our butts and quit squeezing our nuts, we could enjoy Christmas." –Jay Leno

"Hey, has anybody seen John McCain? He was a guest on the 'Rachael Ray' show today. You know, I think he's trying to attract younger voters. I think it might have backfired on him a little bit. Like when Rachael Ray put something in the microwave, McCain said, 'Hey, that's a pretty fancy breadbox you've got there. "Hey, an electric bread box!'" --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”