Unfortunately those are three things you don’t want to be when you go to prison (in their late 60s)

"President Obama is giving a lot of very important speeches. He gave a speech about healthcare tonight, and yesterday he gave a pep talk to students. He told them that in order to succeed they need to work hard and study hard. Then today, former President George W. Bush presented the rebuttal." --Conan O'Brien

"Florida's Republican governor, Charlie Crist, got a hold of President Obama's speech to students in advance, because everyone was talking about how controversial it might be. He decided there was nothing partisan and he allowed his kids to watch it. Of course, like everyone else in Florida, Crist's kids are in their late 60s." --Conan O'Brien

President Trump tweeted that his son Donald Jr. is "open, transparent, and innocent." Unfortunately those are three things you don’t want to be when you go to prison. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Guess who's living through the biggest psychological operation in the history of mankind? (And for 100 grand, she'll marry you)

So, an American teacher was released Wednesday after spending 4 years in a Russian prison. And after returning to an American public school for just one day, he couldn't wait to get back to a Russian prison. —Greg Gutfeld 

Ilhan Omar posted a TikTok asking followers to help cover her legal bills. $100 will get you a signed photo. A thousand gets a meet and greet. And for 100 grand, she'll marry you. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What is the biggest threat to our freedom? (4 years in a Russian prison)

So, an American teacher was released Wednesday after spending 4 years in a Russian prison. And after returning to an American public school for just one day, he couldn't wait to get back to a Russian prison. —Greg Gutfeld 

Ilhan Omar posted a TikTok asking followers to help cover her legal bills. $100 will get you a signed photo. A thousand gets a meet and greet. And for 100 grand, she'll marry you. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

her condition has just been upgraded (the unemployment rate for attractive blondes)

Fun fact, since Fox came into being, the unemployment rate for attractive blondes has dropped to zero. —Greg Gutfeld 

After prison officials botched execution attempts, convicted murderer Christa Pike is now conscious and talking. Doctors say her condition has just been upgraded from brain dead to Jasmine Crockett. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

then he pays them a little more to make it nasty (crushing rail labor)

It was reported that Sean Combs pays his fellow inmates to clean his bathroom, and then he pays them a little more to make it nasty. —Michael Che 

After a recent nor'easter hit the Jersey Shore, residents reported seeing a shark swimming down a flooded street...looking for the guy who knocked up his sister. —Michael Che 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

hold your noodle package (two extra hands)

Today President Trump tweeted that his son Donald Jr. is "open, transparent, and innocent." Which is why President Trump is now demanding a paternity test. –Conan O’Brien

It’s been reported that the biggest currency in prison now is not cigarettes, but ramen. Just make sure to clarify the next time your cellmate asks to hold your noodle package. –Conan O’Brien

In the papers it's been reported that a woman in China who went in for a breast enlargement surgery ended up with two extra breasts. In a related story her husband wants to have surgery to give him two extra hands. --Conan O’Brien 4/2/2004

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

She is ahead by 98 points with voters who went to Trump University (But wait there’s more . . )

Donald Trump is now leading Hillary Clinton by 28 points with white voters without a college degree. However, Hillary is ahead by 98 points with voters who went to Trump University. –Conan O’Brien

Yesterday at the DNC, Elizabeth Warren said, "Trump's entire campaign is just one more late-night Trump infomercial." Trump called her "stupid" then said, "But wait there’s more . . ." –Conan O’Brien

President Trump tweeted that his son Donald Jr. is "open, transparent, and innocent." Unfortunately those are three things you don’t want to be when you go to prison. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The weird thing is everyone else at the Florida prison is there for the exact same reason (ten cents more a day)

Donald Trump insisted he's always had a great relationship with women. He said, "I believe a woman can be anything she wants to be, whether that's Miss USA or Miss Universe. Either one." –Conan O’Brien

A Florida man who accidentally fired a gun in a strip club restroom while trying to take a selfie has been sent to prison. The weird thing is everyone else at the Florida prison is there for the exact same reason. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's not the heat that gets you; it's the stupidity (powerful weapons)

"Here's a bizarre story. I'll try to put this as delicately as possible. A woman in El Salvador was arrested for smuggling into prison a hand grenade inside her vagina. Although I guess technically at that point it's no longer a hand grenade. In a related story, earlier today former President Bill Clinton announced he's going to El Salvador to look for weapons of mass destruction." --Jay Leno

"July was the hottest month on record in Washington, D.C. But it's not the heat that gets you; it's the stupidity." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

 “A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

She had to cut the interview short to go visit her daughter in prison (taking our Social Security and Medicare away)

Rosie O'Donnell went on far-left podcaster Cara Swisser's show this week where they both agreed that lesbians make better parents. Unfortunately, Rosie had to cut the interview short to go visit her daughter in prison. —Greg Gutfeld 

85 year-old actress Donna Mills says she will sell pictures of her feet on her new Only Fans account. She claims the biggest struggle will be moving her n*pples out of the photo. —Greg Gutfeld 

The number one women's tennis player, Aryna Sabalenka, says that she supports gender testing for everyone on the WTA tour. Women will have to prove they're female by taking two and a half hours to get ready. —Tom Shillue 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

some of the puddles actually consisted of water (studying history)

So, Nancy Pelosi's husband was charged with hit and run. If he's convicted, prosecutors say they're going for the harshest possible sentence, house arrest. —Greg Gutfeld

So, New York City is considering replacing the term inmate from jail language with person in custody. They're also planning to replace the term victim with person who carelessly bled all over a person in custody. —Greg Gutfeld 

And finally, a torrential summer storm flooded the Northeast. There was so much rain in New York City, some of the puddles actually consisted of water. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Wow, someone woke up on the wrong side of the tanning bed (You lost me at 2,000 pages)

Today over 2,000 pages of testimony were released about the 2016 meeting between Donald Trump Jr. and a Russian lawyer. The president heard and was like, "You lost me at 2,000 pages . . . and lost me again at Don Jr." --Jimmy Fallon

On Sunday, Trump sent a tweet that said, "If Iran wants to fight, it will be the official end of Iran. Never threaten the United States again." Yeah. And Iran was like, "Wow, someone woke up on the wrong side of the tanning bed." --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

or as they call it at Motel 6, a hot tub (swallow 70 hot dogs)

Hot dog eating champ Joey Chestnut just pleaded guilty to misdemeanor battery. But he shouldn't worry. In prison, who's going to be more popular than the guy who can swallow 70 hot dogs? —Greg Gutfeld

As part of the Venice Arts Festival, a female performance artist submerged herself in a clear tank filled with recycled urine collected from patrons, or as they call it at Motel 6, a hot tub. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

highly doable condition (noodle package)

No one was hurt, everyone’s fine, but over the weekend, Leonardo DiCaprio and his model girlfriend were in a fender bender. DiCaprio and his girlfriend are being listed in highly doable condition. –Conan O’Brien

It’s been reported that the biggest currency in prison now is not cigarettes, but ramen. Just make sure to clarify the next time your cellmate asks to hold your noodle package. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

he'll be the meat in many sandwiches (And by it, he means bullets)

After Trump deployed the National Guard to DC, Chuck Schumer says that Republicans who are scared to walk outside are full of it. And by it, he means bullets. —Greg Gutfeld

A DC man has been charged with felony assault after hitting a federal agent with a Subway sandwich. The agent is fine, but the accused is heading to jail where he'll be the meat in many sandwiches. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Congratulations! It's a man! (You won a beauty contest)

The other day, a man in Minnesota got arrested, and handed the officer a Monopoly "Get out of jail free" card. Then when he got to prison, his cellmate handed him a card that said, "You won a beauty contest." –Jimmy Fallon

A woman in South Carolina just gave birth to a 14.4-pound baby boy. The doctor was like, "Congratulations! It's a man!" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You think I wished for a 10 inch pianist? (hippie wishing stone)

A businessman is drinking alone at a bar. A gentleman pulls up at the stool next

to him, places a large briefcase on the bar, and orders a double.

The two men chat as they drink and, as they approach the bottoms of their glasses, the gentleman says, "Say, I've got a deal for you. I'll bet you $100 that I've got a tiny piano player in this bag that can pound out a Mozart sonata.”

The businessman laughs. "I'll take that bet!"

The two men pull hundred dollar bills from their wallets and slap them on the bar. The gentleman opens his bag and, lo and behold, there IS a tiny grand piano inside. At it sits a tiny piano player, who nods to the gentleman before launching into a beautiful Mozart sonata.

“Extraordinary!" says the businessman. "Where in the world did you get that little guy?"

The gentleman smirks and places a round black stone on the bar. "An old woman gave me this hippie wishing stone. Give it a try if you want."

The businessman touches the stone and says, "I wish for a million bucks!"

Suddenly there's a deafening quacking as ducks begin to stream through the bar door.

“Hey, I wished for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

The gentleman shrugs, "You think I wished for a 10 inch pianist?"

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The secret ingredient is slavery (truffle farms)

Surgeon general pick Casey Means once claimed she used magic mushrooms to help find love, which is different from Joy Behar who was hired by a truffle farm to find mushrooms. —Greg Gutfeld

The Taliban in Afghanistan has banned chess due to fears the game is a source of gambling. The good news is though they're still totally okay with pin the tail on the donkey that you plan to have sex with. —Greg Gutfeld

Scientists say the universe is decaying much more rapidly than previously expected. Experts say to make it seem longer watch Fox at 8:00 p.m. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

But she just takes some Benadryl and they’re all deleted (noodle package/Poundland)

It’s been reported that the biggest currency in prison now is not cigarettes, but ramen. Just make sure to clarify the next time your cellmate asks to hold your noodle package. –Conan O’Brien

According to Hillary Clinton’s newly-released medical records, she suffers from seasonal allergies. But she just takes some Benadryl and they’re all deleted. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Do you have the slightest idea how little that narrows it down? (it was an open-and-can’t-quite-get-it-shut case)

There was a crazy story out of Venezuela. A 25-year-old woman was arrested after attempting to break her boyfriend out of prison by smuggling him in a suitcase. The warden said it was an “open-and-can’t-quite-get-it-shut case.” –James Corden

A new article revealed that members of the U.S. Air Force in Wyoming took LSD and had acid trips while they were assigned to guard nuclear missiles. Is it me or does it feel like Donald Trump definitely picked the wrong day to brag about America's nuclear capabilities? --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”