something is definitely swollen (ETA looks like, 1,300 years)

"President Bush’s speech did have some eloquent, rhetorical flourishes [on screen: Bush saying, 'America looks to the day when the people of the Middle East will leave the desert of despotism for the fertile gardens of liberty']. From the desert of despotism to the fertile gardens of liberty? It's actually not that hard to get to. If you look on metaphorical MapQuest, you head down the Streets of Suffering, get on the Parkway of Progress, pass the Ranch of Righteousness merge onto the Freeway of Being Free, stop at the World's Biggest Ball of Hope, and stay the course, cross over Grand Funk Railroad, and look for the sign, 'Fertile Gardens.' Although, I have to say it's a little confusing, because there is also an Olive Garden around there as well. The trip is only 3.2 miles, and the estimated time of travel will be, what looks like, 1,300 years." --Jon Stewart

"The president last week made a surprise announcement. Fourteen high profile terror suspects were transferred from secret oversees prisons to Guantanamo Bay to face military tribunals that, as of yet, do not legally exist. On the face of it, this is great news. I think we all feel a certain pride knowing the administration does, in fact, have secret overseas prisons. I think it's my pride, something is definitely swollen." --Stephen Colbert