"Mitt Romney gave a commencement speech where he advised
graduates to start a family before they turn 30. He also advised them to pay
for it by inheriting millions of dollars." –Conan O'Brien
"So they're handing out hussy pills to 15-year-old girls
like Chicklets, but I still need to show my passport and provide a DNA sample
to buy some damned Sudafed. How am I supposed to make my meth?" –Stephen
Colbert
"It's been two years since the SEAL team busted in and
got Osama bin Laden. On the night of the raid, the guy never knew what hit him.
It's like being married to a Kardashian." –David Letterman
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