Unfortunately it was on CNN, so there weren't any witnesses

"PETA is really upset at Chris Christie for killing a spider in front of a group of school children. Governor Christie said, 'If PETA is upset by that, they do not want to know what I had for lunch today.'" –Conan O'Brien 

"If Obama can't take our guns, he'll make sure you can't put anything in them. After that, he's going to come after Rush by buying up all the hookers and canned frosting." --Stephen Colbert, mocking the conspiracy theory that the government is buying bullets

"CNN anchor Carol Costello was robbed of her iPhone in broad daylight while walking down the street in Atlanta. Unfortunately it was on CNN, so there weren't any witnesses." –Jay Leno