This is my year (a harmless little joke that might make Trump bomb whatever country he thinks she's from)

Unfortunately we have to start tonight with a tragic developing story involving President Trump. No, not that. It's that President Trump has sadly not won the Nobel Peace Prize. I know, I know, but don't worry. I think he's taking it all in stride. President Trump: “The Nobel Prize was given out today to a liberal person who works at the United Nations, who nobody has ever heard of.” He's genuinely angry that he didn't win the Peace Prize. Trump kidnapped Venezuela's president. Then he did so much war that we're running out of missiles. And he still thought, "This is my year.” —Colin Jost 

Navi Pillay, who learned she won the Nobel Peace Prize at a conference in Germany, joked with the crowd that if they clap a little more, she may share this prize with Trump, which is a harmless little joke that might make Trump bomb whatever country he thinks she's from. —Michael Che 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I hope you’re happy — you made our baby cry (Please stop calling me The Barnacle)

On Friday, the Nobel Peace Prize was awarded to Navi Pillay, a former U.N. High Commissioner for Human Rights. President Trump responded at rallies and on Truth Social, saying that he should have won instead. He is blaming Norway for this slight. Which, thanks a lot, Norway. I hope you’re happy — you made our baby cry.” — Jimmy Kimmel 

“[imitating Trump’] And I’m going to keep approving those public executions until somebody gives me a damn peace prize!” — Jimmy Kimmel

“This execution is scheduled for December third, which, I looked it up, you know what else is scheduled that day? The White House Christmas tree lighting. You know, they could save some money if they doubled up in some way — maybe get a Monster Energy drink sponsorship and finally end the war on Christmas.” — Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Due Dissidence: Trump, Zionists SEETHE as ISRAEL CRITIC Wins NOBEL PEACE PRIZE

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This was a rebuilding year (for the greater bad)

“I know you’re sad about this, Donald. I know you were really good this year. I know you only bombed 10 fishermen and one school, and I know you don’t care about the Nobel Prize, but somebody will get it. And you will be mortified to know that that someone will not be you tomorrow.” — Jimmy Kimmel, on President Trump’s interest in receiving the Nobel Peace Prize.

“Everything you need to know about Trump’s brain can be explained by the fact that he believes he should win a Nobel Prize for peace seven months after starting a war for no reason. Even history’s most notorious dictators — Genghis Khan himself would be like, ‘You know what? This was a rebuilding year. We’ll go for it next year.’” — Jimmy Kimmel 

This week also saw President Trump award the National Medal of Science to Elon Musk, which was deserved as no one has meddled more with our nation’s scientists than him. It’s so nice when two terrible people can put their differences aside for the greater bad. — Jimmy Kimmel 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

he's a follower of the bearded radical from the Middle East (the strategic use of beer)

"Congratulations to Barack Obama -- he has won the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize. Apparently, the Nobel committee wanted to recognize the president's fine work in bringing peace to a black professor and a white cop through the strategic use of beer. " --Jay Leno

"Yesterday President Obama told voters that he's a Christian. But you see how Fox News reported it? They said Obama admits he's a follower of the bearded radical from the Middle East." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

 “A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I was too busy sleeping with your mom (faking it)

Michael Cohen’s lawyers argued that in exchange for his cooperation with Robert Mueller, Cohen should be spared prison for crimes he committed in an “abundance of enthusiasm for Trump.” So unlike the women he paid off for Trump, Cohen wasn’t faking it. --Stephen Colbert

On Saturday, Trump tweeted, “I had to fire General Flynn because he lied to the vice president and the FBI.” OK, here’s the thing — Trump’s not supposed to have known Flynn lied to the FBI. Because, the day after he fired Flynn, FBI Director James Comey says Trump told him to go easy on Flynn. That would be an admission to obstruction of justice. It’s like when you’re trying to get out of one lie and you accidentally tell a much worse lie. “Baby, I couldn’t have been texting with my ex last night, I was too busy sleeping with your mom.” –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Did someone say multiple shots? (settled science)

But true, the shooting took place at the DC Hilton, the same venue where Ronald Reagan was shot. So for the rescheduled event happening in a month, organizers will look for a venue with less chance of gunfire, like Beirut. —Greg Gutfeld

Witnesses at the event had reported multiple shots. "Did someone say multiple shots?" asked Kamala Harris. —Greg Gutfeld

Witnesses say they first heard a loud bang, but had simply assumed that Chris Christie just tried the chili. —Greg Gutfeld

Most in the media present at the event expressed shock over the incident, although CNN's Brian Stelter wondered why couldn't they have held the assassination attempt until after dessert. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He’s a big talker! He yaps (Your government despises you)

Tuesday was just another crazy day here in the United States of America! The president promised, then called off, destructive attacks in Iran by 8pm that evening. Probably the most dangerous episode of the Celebrity Apprentice yet. We’re coming to you from Los Angeles for the local time’s just after 5pm, which was Trump’s deadline for Iran to ‘Open the F-ing strait or you’ll be living in hell.’ 

Trump gave a hard cut-off time of right now. And then this morning he wrote, ‘A whole civilization will die tonight, never to be brought back again,’ in a post on his social media platform Truth Social. You realize that this is the same man who was just bitching about losing the Nobel peace prize? Now he’s threatening a civilization with death. He went from Mahatma Gandhi to General Zod like that. So all day today everyone, most notably the people of Iran, were wondering if their civilization was going to die tonight. 

Well, good news, it didn’t. It was the Taco Tuesday of all Taco Tuesdays. Our president decided not to drop the chalupa for at least another two weeks. This is how it goes every single time Trump says something insane. He says, ‘I’m going to kill everybody tomorrow at 5pm.’ Then we all freak out and then he backs off. He’s like, ‘You know what? Actually, I’ll kill everyone in two weeks.’ 

Then we relax, and then he forgets he ever said it in the first place. He has the memory and the skin color of a goldfish. Perhaps the worst part was how relaxed the congressional Republicans are about it. He threatens to annihilate a civilization, they’re like ‘Well, you know how he is. He’s a big talker! He yaps.’ —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

they didn’t have to do it in front of the class (but it doesn’t feel good)

I’m not even really a democrat. I just vote Not Republican. Democrats are like condoms to me. I’ll use them because it’s safer, I guess, but it doesn’t feel good. —Michael Che

Officials in Hong Kong announced that after some hamsters in a pet store tested positive for Covid, they had to kill more than 2,000 of the pets. OK, but they didn’t have to do it in front of the class. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's like if someone says, "Help yourself to anything in the kitchen,” and you bang his wife (How deep are y'all digging?)

Officials in Minnesota have sued the Trump administration, claiming that their large-scale ICE actions are an unconstitutional federal invasion, while the Trump administration claims that, “Yep." —Michael Che

During a visit to the White House, Venezuelan opposition leader Maria Corina Machado presented Trump with her Nobel Peace Prize. What kind of psycho would actually accept someone else’s Nobel Peace Prize? She just won it. It's like if someone says, "Help yourself to anything in the kitchen,” and you bang his wife. —Michael Che

Researchers are saying that there is a possibility that people who frequently pick their nose are more likely to develop Alzheimer’s. Damn! How deep are y'all digging? —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That's only a total of 0.83% (He only bowed to Dick Cheney)

"It's interesting. During his speech, President Obama spoke about the difficulty of accepting a Peace Prize while we're fighting two different wars. And President Bush got really upset. He said, 'Hey, I'm the one who started both those wars, I should have won the prize." –Jay Leno

"And the Golden Globe nominations came out yesterday. President Obama picked up a nomination for best Democrat acting like a Republican. So, congratulations." –Jay Leno

"Fox News is criticizing President Obama because he bowed to the Japanese emperor, and earlier he got in trouble with bowing to the Saudi king. See, that never would happen with President Bush. He only bowed to Dick Cheney." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Best I can do is deport you if you criticize Israel (ohhhh, Buffett…)

Warren Buffett yesterday joined Hillary Clinton at a rally and tried to drum up support for a tax increase on people making over $1 million a year. Chris Christie also showed up and reportedly said “ohhhh, Buffett…" –Seth Meyers

Congress this weekend ended the federal government’s ban on medical marijuana. Good news for people with glaucoma as well as people with “glaucoma.” –Seth Meyers

"Today Malala Yousafzai and Kailash Satyarthi received the Nobel Peace Prize. And they’re giving an honorable mention to whoever has to announce them."–Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

How many republicans does it take to change a light bulb? (I'm happy that the floor looks slippery)

Japan's new prime minister, Sanae Takaichi, said during a press conference that she is nominating President Trump for the Nobel Peace Prize. And I can't believe I get to say this, but thank God nobody listens to women. —Michael Che     

Critics of President Trump are calling him tone-deaf for posting pictures of his newly renovated White House bathroom during the government shutdown. But I'm happy that the floor looks slippery. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He had already purchased his tuxedo (No Kings)

A New Jersey high school canceled its homecoming dance due to low interest among students. It was a bummer for Anthony Weiner who had already purchased his tuxedo. —Greg Gutfeld 

“This Saturday, nearly 2,700 No Kings protest events are planned around the country, which is funny because if we had a king, there would be no protests.” —Greg Gutfeld

Don Lemon is calling for black and brown people to arm themselves against ICE. When reached for comment, black and brown people said, “Who's Don Lemon?” —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

In case you were wondering why the city smelled so nice (more than all other Nobel Peace Prize winners combined)

Train engineers went on strike yesterday, completely shutting down New Jersey transit lines into New York. In case you were wondering why the city smelled so nice. —Michael Che

Joe Biden appeared on "The View,” where he said he wasn't surprised Kamala Harris lost the election, because the only thing that surprises Joe Biden are the words that come out of his own mouth. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the two biggest mistakes that he made on one day (Well, I guess it’s off to the North Pole)

“Donald Trump today suggested he’ll consider using economic force to get Canada to become part of the United States. And if that doesn’t get him the Nobel Prize, I don’t know what is going to.” — Jimmy Kimmel

It’s actually very convenient that Eric’s birthday is on January 6th. That way Trump only has to remember the two biggest mistakes that he made on one day. —Jimmy Kimmel

“Donald Trump suggested he’ll consider using economic force to get Canada to become part of the United States. Right now, everyone who moved to Canada after Trump won is like, ‘Well, I guess it’s off to the North Pole.’” — Jimmy Fallon

“If you think America’s divided now, imagine if half the country spelled ‘color’ with a ‘u.’” — Jimmy Fallon

“So, bad news: Groceries will still be expensive. Good news: Everybody’s getting new maps.” — Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Don't build a library where the lights are on when no one is home (Misses Gravy’s on her ivory steed)

"The design for George W. Bush's presidential library was unveiled Wednesday in Dallas, and features a lantern-shaped roof that will glow at night. Mr. President, I don't want to make any more jokes about you being dumb, but you have to meet me halfway. Don't build a library where the lights are on when no one is home." –Seth Meyers

Bob Dylan was awarded the Nobel Prize for literature today. Dylan was like, “This is the greatest honor I’ve ever received.” Or he might have said, “Misses Gravy’s on her ivory steed.” It’s impossible to tell. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The survivors called the award the second biggest surprise of their lives (Even more tragic, he survived)

A YouTube star totaled his $200,000 McLaren after he live streamed himself texting while driving in the rain. Even more tragic, he survived. —Colin Jost

The Nobel Peace Prize was awarded to a group of Japanese atomic bomb survivors who were trying to free the world of nuclear weapons. The survivors called the award the second biggest surprise of their lives. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

we’re just one week away from finding out who falls asleep onstage (the first one to stand up is our next president)

“Next Thursday is the first 2024 presidential debate between President Biden and former President Trump, which means we’re just one week away from finding out who falls asleep onstage.” — Seth Meyers

“Forget the debate — I say we put them both in a hammock and the first one to stand up is our next president.” — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You know, like every republican (extortion)

Stormy Daniels was accused by Trump’s lawyers of lying about their affair for profit, which would make her the only person to do business with Trump and make money. —Colin Jost

It has also been implied that Stormy Daniels got into bed with Trump and let him do whatever he wanted just to advance her career. You know, like every republican. —Colin Jost

Before her testimony, Stormy Daniels agreed not to describe Trump’s genitalia in court, after she was offered hush money by the jury. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”