Their win is my win! (Who is the real hero?)

I got a belt that's holding up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up my belt. I don't know what's really happening down there. Who is the real hero? --Mitch Hedberg

I went to the store and bought eight apples. The clerk said you want me to put them in a bag. I said no man, I juggle. But I can only juggle eight. If I am ever here and I buy nine apples, bag’em up. --Mitch Hedberg

I saw a commercial on late-night-tv that said forget everything you know about slipcovers. So I did, and it was a load off my mind. --Mitch Hedberg

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

 “A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Man, you really like Tide (Hey, you got a lot of cranium accessories)

I wanted to buy a candle holder but the store didn't have one so I got a cake. --Mitch Hedberg

I want to be a race car passenger. Just a guy who bugs the driver. “Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we have to keep going in circles? Man, you really like Tide.” --Mitch Hedberg

I was at a bar, I was minding my own business and a guy bumped into me. Which is cool but he didn't apologize. He said move, I thought that was rude so I said go to hell then I started to run. He caught up with me. He had a mustache, a goatee, a pair of earrings, a pair of sunglasses, his hair was in a ponytail, and he was wearing a hat. He said, “Hey you got a lot of nerve.” I said, “Hey, you got a lot of cranium accessories.” --Mitch Hedberg

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

 “A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s gonna be a long party. Go slow (mobile home cheese)

When I was eighteen my friend Tim and I, we packed up his Volare and we moved from Minnesota to Florida. We wanted to move to Texas but the front end of his car was out of alignment. --Mitch Hedberg

I love cottage cheese, that's why I want to try other dwelling cheese's too. I want to try studio apartment cheese or maybe igloo cheese or if I'm feeling adventurous, mobile home cheese. —Mitch Hedberg

A lot of radio stations, they like to use  frequency numbers to count down the days of summer. Like FM 107 will celebrate 107 days of summer. You know AM stations can't do this. We are AM 1610 celebrating the sixteen-hundred and ten days of the next four and a half years. It’s gonna be a long party. Go slow. —Mitch Hedberg

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s gonna be a long party. Go slow. (out of alignment)

When I was eighteen my friend Tim and I, we packed up his Volare

and we moved from Minnesota to Florida. We wanted to move to

Texas but the front end of his car was out of alignment.

--Mitch Hedberg

A lot of radio stations, they like to use  frequency numbers to count down the days of summer. Like FM 107 will celebrate 107 days of summer. You know AM stations can't do this. We are AM 1610 celebrating the sixteen-hundred and ten days of the next four and a half years. It’s gonna be a long party. Go slow. —Mitch Hedberg

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

NHL: Toronto Maple Leafs vs Minnesota Wild

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

NHL: Arizona Coyotes vs Minnesota Wild

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

It’s gonna be a long party. Go slow. (Smokey is way more intense in person)

I like rice. Rice is great when you are really hungry and you want 2,000 of something. --Mitch Hedberg

My friends and I took acid and went into the woods. Because it’s less likely that you’ll run into an authority figure in the woods. Well we ran into a bear which was even more of a buzzkill. My friend Dewayne was standing there raising his right hand swearing to help prevent forest fires. We got away from the bear and Dewayne put his arm around my shoulder he said, “Mitch, Smokey is way more intense in person.” —Mitch Hedberg

A lot of radio stations, they like to use  frequency numbers to count down the days of summer. Like FM 107 will celebrate 107 days of summer. You know AM stations can't do this. We are AM 1610 celebrating the sixteen-hundred and ten days of the next four and a half years. It’s gonna be a long party. Go slow. —Mitch Hedberg

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'd rather light a stick and have my roommates wake up with false hopes (they're complicit)

I was at a casino standing by the door and a security guy came over to me and said you're gonna have to move you're blocking the fire exit. As though if there was a fire I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs you are never blocking a fire exit. --Mitch Hedberg

I like cinnamon rolls, that's why I wish they made like a cinnamon roll incense. Because I don't always have time to make a pan. Perhaps I'd rather light a stick and have my roommates wake up with false hopes. --Mitch Hedberg

I hate turkeys. If you go to the grocery store and you stand in front of the lunchmeat section for too long you start to get pissed off at turkeys. You see turkey ham, turkey pastrami, turkey bologna. Somebody needs to tell the turkeys, man just be yourself. --Mitch Hedberg

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

It’s gonna be a long party. Go slow. (95% to the Top 1%)

A lot of radio stations, they like to use a frequency number to count down the days of summer. Like FM 107 will celebrate 107 days of summer. You know AM stations can't do this. We are AM 1610 celebrating the sixteen-hundred and ten days of the next four and a half years. It’s gonna be a long party. Go slow. —Mitch Hedberg

When I was eighteen my friend Tim and I, we packed up his Volare and we moved from Minnesota to Florida. We wanted to move to Texas but the front end of his car was out of alignment. --Mitch Hedberg

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Mitch, Smokey is way more intense in person (You may see it in 75 years)

My friends and I took acid and went into the woods. Because it’s less likely that you’ll run into an authority figure in the woods. Well we ran into a bear which was even more of a buzzkill. My friend Dewayne was standing there raising his right hand swearing to help prevent forest fires. We got away from the bear and Dewayne put his arm around my shoulder he said, “Mitch, Smokey is way more intense in person.” —Mitch Hedberg

I was in a death metal band for seven years. But one day when we were walking out of the pawn shop we became a death metal metal barbershop quartet. —Mitch Hedberg

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

when you are really hungry and you want 2,000 of something (I'll just get a tan instead)

I like rice. Rice is great when you are really hungry and you want 2,000 of something. --Mitch Hedberg

I was going to have my teeth whitened but then I said screw that I'll just get a tan instead. --Mitch Hedberg

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Mitch, Smokey is way more intense in person (There's also a negative side)

“The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side.” —Hunter S. Thompson

My friends and I took acid and went into the woods. Because it’s less likely that you’ll run into an authority figure in the woods. Well we ran into a bear which was even more of a buzzkill. My friend Dewayne was standing there raising his right hand swearing to help prevent forest fires. We got away from the bear and Dewayne put his arm around my shoulder he said, “Mitch, Smokey is way more intense in person.” —Mitch Hedberg

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I don't need another step between me and toast (confused screaming)

I perform at a lot of colleges and I always buy the shirt from the college because the quality shirts are good and they are colorful. But people get the wrong idea. I walk around with a Washington University shirt on, some guy goes, ‘Hey, Washington. Did you go there?’ I said, ‘Yeah. It was a Wednesday.’ —Mitch Hedberg

Pepperidge Farm bread is some fine bread. That stuff is fancy man. It's wrapped twice. You open it and it still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it. I don't need another step between me and toast. --Mitch Hedberg

They have a fishing show on TV. They catch the fish but they let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, but they do want to make it late for something. --Mitch Hedberg

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Mitch, Smokey is way more intense in person (death metal metal barbershop quartet)

I live in a studio apartment. I got a sliding glass door and it has a sticker that says Warning Alarm System! It's real simple alarm - it consists of a sticker. —Mitch Hedberg

I was in a death metal band for seven years. But one day when we were walking out of the pawn shop we became a death metal metal barbershop quartet. —Mitch Hedberg

I was home last week and I heard a gunshot outside of my apartment, then I saw two guys run by my window. So I was gonna call the police but then I got optimistic. I said hey, maybe it's just a race. —Mitch Hedberg

My friends and I took acid and went into the woods. Because it’s less likely that you’ll run into an authority figure in the woods. Well we ran into a bear which was even more of a buzzkill. My friend Dewayne was standing there raising his right hand swearing to help prevent forest fires. We got away from the bear and Dewayne put his arm around my shoulder he said, “Mitch, Smokey is way more intense in person.” —Mitch Hedberg

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Yeah. It was a Wednesday (other dwelling cheese's)

I perform at a lot of colleges and I always buy the shirt from the college because the quality shirts are good and they are colorful. But people get the wrong idea. I walk around with a Washington University shirt on, some guy goes, ‘Hey, Washington. Did you go there?’ I said, ‘Yeah. It was a Wednesday.’ —Mitch Hedberg

I like to sleep, but I hate to dream because dreaming takes energy. It takes work. Sleeping is supposed to be relaxing. I lay down on a bed. It feels great, but the next thing you know I have to build a go-kart with my ex landlord. —Mitch Hedberg

I was at a restaurant and I ordered a chicken sandwich but I don't think the waitress understood me because she said how would you like your eggs. So I tried to answer her anyhow. I said incubated and then raised and then beheaded and then plucked and then cut up and then put onto a grill and they put onto a bun. Damn, it’s gonna take awhile. I don’t have that kind of time. Scrambled. —Mitch Hedberg

I love cottage cheese, that's why I want to try other dwelling cheese's too. I want to try studio apartment cheese or maybe igloo cheese or if I'm feeling adventurous, mobile home cheese. —Mitch Hedberg

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He is a good citizen driven to despair (the donate to charity slice)

I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same. —Mitch Hedberg

I had a neighbor and whenever he would knock on my wall, I knew he wanted me to turn my music down and that made me angry because I like loud music. So when he knocked on the wall I'd mess with his head. I'd say, ‘go around I cannot open the wall. I don't know if you have a doorknob on the other side but over here there’s nothing.’ —Mitch Hedberg

I went to a pizzeria. I ordered a slice of pizza, the dude gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, this dude gave me the donate to charity slice. —Mitch Hedberg

I can only wear V-necks because my neck is very fragile. I cannot wear a regular neck shirt, it hurts. And I especially hate turtlenecks. Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy all damn day. If you wear a turtleneck and a backpack it’s like a weak midget trying to bring you down. —Mitch Hedberg

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same (Sir, this is a liquor store)

I can only wear V-necks because my neck is very fragile. I cannot wear a regular neck shirt, it hurts. And I especially hate turtlenecks. Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy all damn day. If you wear a turtleneck and a backpack it’s like a weak midget trying to bring you down. —Mitch Hedberg

I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same. —Mitch Hedberg

I had a neighbor and whenever he would knock on my wall, I knew he wanted me to turn my music down and that made me angry because I like loud music. So when he knocked on the wall I'd mess with his head. I'd say, ‘go around I cannot open the wall. I don't know if you have a doorknob on the other side but over here there’s nothing.’ —Mitch Hedberg

I went to a pizzeria. I ordered a slice of pizza, the dude gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, this dude gave me the donate to charity slice. —Mitch Hedberg

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

I don't need another step between me and toast (I said hey, maybe it's just a race)

Pepperidge Farm bread is some fine bread. That stuff is fancy man. It's wrapped twice. You open it and it still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it. I don't need another step between me and toast. --Mitch Hedberg

I was home last week and I heard a gunshot outside of my apartment, then I saw two guys run by my window. So I was gonna call the police but then I got optimistic. I said hey, maybe it's just a race. —Mitch Hedberg

They have a fishing show on TV. They catch the fish but they let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, but they do want to make it late for something. --Mitch Hedberg

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s gonna be a long party. Go slow. (Smokey is way more intense in person)

A lot of radio stations, they like to use a frequency number to count down the days of summer. Like FM 107 will celebrate 107 days of summer. You know AM stations can't do this. We are AM 1610 celebrating the sixteen-hundred and ten days of the next four and a half years. It’s gonna be a long party. Go slow. —Mitch Hedberg

My friends and I took acid and went into the woods. Because it’s less likely that you’ll run into an authority figure in the woods. Well we ran into a bear which was even more of a buzzkill. My friend Dewayne was standing there raising his right hand swearing to help prevent forest fires. We got away from the bear and Dewayne put his arm around my shoulder he said, “Mitch, Smokey is way more intense in person.” —Mitch Hedberg

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s gonna be a long party. Go slow. (we became a death metal metal barbershop quartet)

A lot of radio stations, they like to use a frequency number to count down the days of summer. Like FM 107 will celebrate 107 days of summer. You know AM stations can't do this. We are AM 1610 celebrating the sixteen-hundred and ten days of the next four and a half years. It’s gonna be a long party. Go slow.  —Mitch Hedberg

I was in a death metal band for seven years. But one day when we were walking out of the pawn shop we became a death metal metal barbershop quartet. —Mitch Hedberg

I live in a studio apartment. I got a sliding glass door and it has a sticker that says Warning Alarm System! It's real simple alarm - it consists of a sticker. —Mitch Hedberg

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”