But the good news is Congress is still getting paid (listening to his Billy Idol cassettes)

"To be honest, I didn't notice the government was shut down today. But the 800,000 government employees who had their hours cut or jobs taken away definitely did. But the good news is Congress is still getting paid." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Pope Francis just got a used car, a 1984 Renault with 190,000 miles on it. The Pope said he wanted an old car so he could drive around listening to his Billy Idol cassettes." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

we’re fully protected by the honor system (which is one step below a pinky promise)

“President Trump just announced that he and all of the major tech leaders have signed an agreement to self-regulate A.I. So, don’t worry about A.I. — we’re fully protected by the honor system.” — Jimmy Fallon

“Yep, tech leaders will regulate themselves. Yeah, anyone who’s ever put out a bowl of candy on Halloween was like, ‘Good luck with that.’” — Jimmy Fallon

“Yeah, they all signed a ‘morally binding agreement,’ which is one step below a pinky promise.” — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They are the last, sputtering gasp of the dinosaurs (tricking their wives into banging the wrong husband)

Two identical twin umpires fulfilled a lifelong dream by working together in pro baseball, which is right behind their other dream, tricking their wives into banging the wrong husband. —Greg Gutfeld 

According to a new study, sea turtles are carrying viruses scientists have never seen before, prompting SeaWorld to fire their new trainer, Hunter Biden. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It was the first time Trump’s been in a room where he was awake and everyone else was asleep (unpaid wages)

“If you believe Donald Trump is going to give you $5,000 if the Republicans win, I have a Mexican-paid wall, a privately-funded ballroom, and a three-day long Iran war to sell you, OK?” — Jimmy Kimmel

“Well, guys, the two-day Republican midterm convention just wrapped up, and last night, President Trump made a keynote address and spoke for nearly two hours. It was the first time Trump’s been in a room where he was awake and everyone else was asleep.” — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

 “A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Their win is my win! (Who is the real hero?)

I got a belt that's holding up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up my belt. I don't know what's really happening down there. Who is the real hero? --Mitch Hedberg

I went to the store and bought eight apples. The clerk said you want me to put them in a bag. I said no man, I juggle. But I can only juggle eight. If I am ever here and I buy nine apples, bag’em up. --Mitch Hedberg

I saw a commercial on late-night-tv that said forget everything you know about slipcovers. So I did, and it was a load off my mind. --Mitch Hedberg

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

 “A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”