STRONG AND SMART (High IQ!) PRESIDENT (Well, I feel better)

On Monday, President Trump dismissed concerns over A.I., posting on Truth Social: “The only control or ‘guardrails’ that AI needs is a STRONG AND SMART (High IQ!) PRESIDENT, and the U.S.A. has that, in spades!” Well, I feel better.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Trump was like, ‘[imitating Trump] I’d like to see ChatGPT pick out a zebra on the cognitive test. I mean, I don’t think — I don’t think so, buddy.’” — Jimmy Fallon

“We’re relying on Trump to beat A.I.; I don’t even think Trump can beat Wordle.” — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

 “A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Just one of those things I guess (that school never had me back)

A man legally named Loony Tune was sentenced to 20 years in prison for multiple felonies. Needless to say, he plans to escape by painting a large tunnel on the wall of his cell. —Greg Gutfeld 

The last time I gave a commencement address, I told the graduating class to meet me after for margaritas. And that elementary school never had me back. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hey man, that’s the key to every party (The bad news for us)

Good news for Washington — the government shutdown is over. The bad news for us — our government is back to work. --Conan O’Brien

An analyst for Time magazine says the key to the survival of the Republican Party is bringing in young women. When told this, Bill Clinton said, "Hey man, that’s the key to every party." –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Foreclosed! (13 total viewers)

The Oscar nominations were announced with the musical Emilia Perez leading the pack with 13 total viewers. —Michael Che

For the first time in 30 years, New York City this week went five days without anyone getting shot, because it's just way more fun to push people onto the subway tracks. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Or, as he calls them, mature honeys (marketing a new brand of tampon)

In an effort to attract young voters, the Kamala Harris campaign has committed to visiting over 150 college campuses. Ooh, 150, she’s trying to break Matt Gaetz’s record. I’m kidding, obviously he’d never date a college girl. Or, as he calls them, mature honeys. —Stephen Colbert

Former President Donald Trump made several comments about women over the weekend, vowing that under his presidency, he would “protect women at a level never seen before,” saying they would be “healthy, hopeful, safe and secure.” I‘m not sure if he’s running for president or marketing a new brand of tampon. —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

One beer, and the only reason he even drank it was to wash down the three hits of ecstasy (It's called socialism)

There was some talk that the vice president had been drinking before he went out to shoot and it turns out that was true. Dick Cheney said he did have a beer during lunch. One beer, and the only reason he even drank it was to wash down the three hits of ecstasy." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The Dow went up 410 points today on Wall Street. You may already know, the government has bailed two huge financial companies out, and today, they strongly hinted that they would bail the rest of them out, at taxpayers' expense. It's all part of a new approach our leaders in the White House and Congress are taking to the economy. It's called socialism." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I can assure you that’s the best thing that’s ever happened in a Burger King bathroom in Bolivia (We give our biggest criminals bonuses)

While he was in Bolivia last week, Pope Francis stopped off at a Burger King to change his clothes before Mass. I’m no expert but I can assure you that’s the best thing that’s ever happened in a Burger King bathroom in Bolivia. –Jimmy Fallon

"Mexico's government just offered a $2 million bounty on its top drug lords, which is different from what we do here in America. We give our biggest criminals bonuses." --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well that explains Florida (joe-caine)

This week has seen a heatwave across much of the US, with a record 103 degrees in Maine. Stephen King will now be writing “Misery 2: The Backs of My Knees Are So Sweaty”. —Stephen Colbert

Studies have shown that increased heat can be bad for the brain, making it harder for many to find their words and leading to higher rates of aggression and violent crime. “Well that explains Florida.” —Stephen Colbert

Donald Trump’s latest rally was in Wisconsin where his brain seem parboiled. Among other strange moments, he made the bizarre accusation that Biden was using cocaine. Joe Biden is not on the Peruvian marching powder but if he did want to dance with the white lady, he could raise a lot of campaign cash selling his own brand of joe-caine. —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The phone companies said they would try to be there some time between 10 a.m. and 6 p.m. ('70s jive talk)

"As part of the ongoing immigration debate, the Senate on Thursday voted 64 to 34 to make English America's national language. Coming in second: '70s jive talk." --Tina Fey

"President Bush's approval rating dropped to $3 a gallon." --Tina Fey

 

"In the wake of news that the NSA is monitoring American phone records, Sen. Arlen Specter, the judiciary committee chairman, said he would subpoena the phone companies to appear before his committee. The phone companies said they would try to be there some time between 10 a.m. and 6 p.m." --Tina Fey

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

it's so big, it can do the work of two babies (he may be high/that awkward moment)

When asked about legalizing marijuana, Chris Christie said, "Get high now, because when I’m president it’s over." If Chis Christie thinks he’s going to be president — he may be high. –Conan O’Brien

Going into New Hampshire, Jeb Bush was polling at 5th place. Not among the candidates, among the members of the Bush family. –Conan O’Brien

"A mother in China gave birth to a 15-pound baby. Chinese officials say it's so big, it can do the work of two babies." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

How did my freedoms end up over there? (he's a follower of the bearded radical from the Middle East)

"The government is spending, what, $200 billion to bail out Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. Unemployment, five-year high. Foreclosures are at a 19-year high. The republicans are a mess under George W. Bush. This means the Democrats are going to have to work extra hard over the next eight weeks to blow this election." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday President Obama told voters that he's a Christian. But you see how Fox News reported it? They said Obama admits he's a follower of the bearded radical from the Middle East." –Jay Leno

"Florida election officials say at least 10 counties have identified suspicious and possibly fraudulent voter registration forms. And they were turned in by a firm working for the Republican Party of Florida. I guess they got suspicious when they realized most of the votes were for Bob Dole." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Or as Dick Cheney calls it, a love story (47 percent)

 

"Mitt Romney said that the 47 percent of people who don't pay taxes are going to vote for Obama. You know what that means? He's going to vote for Obama." –Jay Leno

"You know, they used to say a recession was when your neighbor lost his job, and a depression was when you lost your job. You probably heard this, right? See, now, a recession is when Wall Street guys get bailed out, and a depression is what you get thinking about it." --Jay Leno

"George Clooney won for Syriana, which was about the CIA and what people will do for oil. Or as Dick Cheney calls it, a love story." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Wait 'till these guys find out in prison that insider trading has a whole new meaning (Just like that)

 

"As you know, President Bush is calling for an amendment against gay marriage or as President Bush calls it, 'Leave That Fellas Behind.'" --Jay Leno

"I've been watching that John Adams miniseries on HBO. Have you seen this? Boy, it's really good. You know, it's fun to see all the Founding Fathers. They're all in it. John Adams, George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, John McCain." --Jay Leno

"Former Enron founder Ken Lay and CEO Jeffrey Skilling were found guilty in the Enron case. Ken Lay is so guilty I'm surprised people aren't calling him Congressman Ken Lay. Wait 'till these guys find out in prison that insider trading has a whole new meaning." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

For example, you know what $700 billion buys? (I'm such a d*ck)

"This week President Obama unveiled his new campaign slogan, 'Forward.' And Mitt Romney unveiled his slogan, 'My money might be offshore, but my heart's right here in America.'" –Jay Leno

"They said bin Laden's wife tried to shield bin Laden with her body. And today Moammar Gadhafi said to his wife, 'Hey honey, did you see what bin Laden's wife Susan did? It was pretty cool, don't you think honey?'" –Jay Leno

"You know, the interesting thing is, these bailout numbers are so big that people can't even comprehend them. Like $700 billion. See, the best way to understand large amounts of money is to think of it in terms of what it can buy. For example, you know what $700 billion buys? It can buy you 100 senators and 435 congressmen." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

To give you an idea how big this bailout is, they actually had to tell President Bush about it (Was there anyone else there at the time?)

"And Osama bin Laden has released another anti-American speech. And out of force of habit, Barack Obama denounced the remarks and said he wasn't even in the room at the time the statements were being made." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday was the beginning of Passover, or as President Bush calls it, 'The Jewish Easter.' You all know the story: Moses crossed the border with thousands of people. He wandered the desert for 40 years. No, I'm sorry that's the Republicans' plan for illegal immigrants." –Jay Leno

"Well, as you know, this past weekend, the government announced a massive bailout of mortgage lenders, Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. To give you an idea how big this bailout is, they actually had to tell President Bush about it." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

People who tried the new flavor say it tastes like wild berries, plus sugar, minus wild berries (Yours in Crazy)

President Trump informed Kim Jong Un that he was canceling their summit by sending Kim a personal letter. The disturbing part is that Trump signed the letter, "Yours in Crazy." --Conan O’Brien

A new report says that the U.S. military is running out of bombs. As of now, the Pentagon is down to 100 bunker busters and six copies of "The Emoji Movie." --Conan O’Brien

Froot Loops cereal has added a new flavor, Wild Berry. People who tried the new flavor say it tastes like “wild berries, plus sugar, minus wild berries." --Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Finally, someone to play golf with (Wait a minute, so that WASN’T ice cream?)

Scientists have been able to create baby mice from freeze-dried mouse sperm that was kept on the International Space Station. When asked about it, the astronauts said, “Wait a minute, so that WASN’T ice cream?” –Conan O’Brien

A company has released a GPS with President Trump's voice as a navigator. It doesn't guide you anywhere. It just keeps reminding you that he won the Electoral College. –Conan O’Brien

It’s been reported that O.J. Simpson could be released from prison this year. When he heard this, Donald Trump said, “Finally, someone to play golf with.” –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Today, he begged Donald Trump to take back his endorsement (Even the very poor said they felt bad for him)

"Mitt Romney lost all three of the primaries. Today, he begged Donald Trump to take back his endorsement." –David Letterman

"It was a big setback for the Mitt Romney campaign. Even the very poor said they felt bad for him." –David Letterman

"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is indignant at the New York Times for its sloppy reporting about the Bridge-Gate scandal. The governor also took the opportunity to highlight a few other things he believes are sloppy: Meatloaf with gravy, nachos, barbecue ribs, meat-lovers pizza, buffalo wings, hot-fudge sundaes and chili dogs." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Fun Fact: $400 Billion is 5% of $7 Trillion (Metaphor! Metaphor!)

In Pennsylvania, a 100-year-old woman has broken the world record for the 100-yard dash in her age group. She won with the record-setting time of "Wednesday." –Conan O’Brien

"BP has been fined $25 million for causing an oil spill in Alaska five years ago. Or as BP refers to it, 'our warm up spill.'" –Conan O'Brien

At a Ted Cruz rally, Carly Fiorina fell off the stage and Cruz didn’t help her up. The entire crowd immediately began chanting, “Metaphor! Metaphor!” –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I already thought he was the Republican candidate (zero percent chance)

"Critics say it's illegal for Donald Trump to run for president while hosting a TV show. It's also illegal to run for president if your hair wasn't born in this country." –Conan O'Brien 4/14/2011

"President Obama said he plans on running for re-election against the Republicans. After the tax cuts for the rich, the bailouts for Wall Street, and the bombing in Libya, I already thought he was the Republican candidate." –Jay Leno 4/4/2011

"Joe Biden apparently fell asleep during President Obama's speech on reducing national debt yesterday. Now Joe Biden can embarrass the President without even opening his mouth." –Jay Leno 4/13/2011

 "The White House is saying Donald Trump has 'zero percent chance' of being elected. That seems a little high." –David Letterman 4/12/2011

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”