Presidential hopeful Donald Trump said yesterday that he has better hair than Senator Marco Rubio — a claim that was recently disproven by wind. –Seth Meyers
President Trump will speak in Miami tomorrow. He’ll be comfortable, because he still has strong support in Florida. Plus, he’s the state fruit. –Seth Meyers
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
A man was arrested for exposing himself outside a Florida Taco Bell. Other than that, I had a great weekend in Miami. —Greg Gutfeld
Hillary Clinton re recently complained about all the White House construction for the upcoming UFC event. I guess she's really sensitive about home wreckers. —Greg Gutfeld
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”
Over the weekend, Iran responded to Trump’s proposal with a list of demands that included reparations for the war and full control over the strait of Hormuz. Tehran also said that it as willing to suspend development of its nuclear program but for a shorter time than the 20 years requested by Trump. Twenty years isn’t even that long,” laughed Colbert. “Anne Hathaway looks exactly the same. And if anything, Meryl Streep, Stanley Tucci and Emily Blunt are more radiant than ever.” —Stephen Colbert
The president spent this weekend’s Mother’s Day posting a slew of AI-generated images: some showed Trump surrounded by pink hearts while another proclaimed him “the greatest of all time”. He’s also engaging in some recreational idolatry. There is a new 22ft Trump statue at his Miami golf club. [It’s] surprisingly wrinkly. They forgot to steam out his pants, his shirt and his face. —Stephen Colbert
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
After reaching orbit, Artemis II astronaut Victor Glover sent a message back to Earth saying, "Trust us. You look amazing. You look beautiful.” Yeah, leave it to the Black astronaut to catcall the entire planet. —Michael Che
President Trump posted plans for his presidential library in Miami, which would be a massive golden skyscraper with a golden escalator and a golden statue of Trump, as predicted in the Book of Revelations. —Michael Che
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
They were keeping a spare podium open for Joe Biden in case he decided to enter the race at the last minute, as if he's going to walk in and shock everyone like a Spanish soap opera or something. You can't just leave an empty podium with a mic on stage like that. That's like an open invitation to Kanye West to jump on stage. –Jimmy Kimmel
“And then, with all this talk of the Bidens inappropriately profiting from public office, the White House today announced that the United States will host the next G-7 summit at the Trump Doral golf resort in Miami. For real. The president is generously renting his golf club out to all the leaders of the world. Because of course he is. He doesn’t care anymore. He’s just like, ‘Yeah, you know what, we’re hosting it at my golf resort. And guess what? A round of golf’s a million bucks — that doesn’t include cart, and we’re tripling the room rates! So leave a duffel bag full of Krugerrands by the front door.’” --Jimmy Kimmel
The Santee Sioux Tribe is getting ready to open what they call America's first marijuana resort, further cementing South Dakota's status as party capital of the U.S. They claim this will be the first marijuana resort, but there are already thousands of marijuana resorts in this country. They're called colleges. –Jimmy Kimmel
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
Tom Brady announced that his current dog is actually a clone of his previous dog who passed away two years ago. Brady also revealed that during his career, he went through eight Gronks. —Colin Jost
A husband and wife from Miami have been named the world's oldest married couple with a combined age of 216 years, which sounds really sweet until you realize the husband is 200. —Colin Jost
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”
"Politicians in Miami have passed a resolution to split Florida into two states. Yeah, the two states would be known as Geezerville and Methylvania." –Jimmy Fallon
A couple in Orlando who ordered plastic storage bins on Amazon got a delivery filled with 65 pounds of weed. They were like, “Wow, Amazon Prime is even better than we thought.” –Jimmy Fallon
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
So they asked Trump, since he isn't getting enough credit, they asked him to assess his own performance to date. What grade do you think the president gave himself? Let's find out. [Trump clip] “I would give myself an A-plus.” That's right, A-plus. Not an A, an A-plus. Just an unbiased review from a guy who names everything from neck ties to meat after himself, an A-plus. I'm going to miss him when he's arrested, I really am. --Jimmy Kimmel
“And then, with all this talk of the Bidens inappropriately profiting from public office, the White House today announced that the United States will host the next G-7 summit at the Trump Doral golf resort in Miami. For real. The president is generously renting his golf club out to all the leaders of the world. Because of course he is. He doesn’t care anymore. He’s just like, ‘Yeah, you know what, we’re hosting it at my golf resort. And guess what? A round of golf’s a million bucks — that doesn’t include cart, and we’re tripling the room rates! So leave a duffel bag full of Krugerrands by the front door.’” --Jimmy Kimmel
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
American Airlines has introduced a new first-class option called Flagship Suites that features privacy doors, a cool-touch pillow, and a lie-flat bed. Which explains their new slogan: American Airlines. Get pregnant with us. —Colin Jost
A Lamborghini yacht off the coast of Miami Beach sank while carrying more than 30 social-media influencers. Like. —Colin Jost
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
“And then, with all this talk of the Biden's inappropriately profiting from public office, the White House today announced that the United States will host the next G-7 summit at the Trump Doral golf resort in Miami. For real. The president is generously renting his golf club out to all the leaders of the world. Because of course he is. He doesn’t care anymore. He’s just like, ‘Yeah, you know what, we’re hosting it at my golf resort. And guess what? A round of golf’s a million bucks — that doesn’t include cart, and we’re tripling the room rates! So leave a duffel bag full of Krugerrands by the front door.’” --Jimmy Kimmel
“So all the bad stuff they’ve been saying the president didn’t do, now they’re saying he did it and he does it all the time? The defense has gone from ‘If the glove doesn’t fit, you must acquit’ to ‘Give me back my glove!’” --Jimmy Kimmel
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
"Politicians in Miami have passed a resolution to split Florida into two states. Yeah, the two states would be known as Geezerville and Methylvania." –Jimmy Fallon
A couple in Orlando who ordered plastic storage bins on Amazon got a delivery filled with 65 pounds of weed. They were like, “Wow, Amazon Prime is even better than we thought.” –Jimmy Fallon
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
I saw that during a town hall in Miami this week, Jeb Bush attacked Donald Trump in both Spanish and English. And later that night, Donald Trump responded in both English and much, much louder English. –Jimmy Fallon
I heard about a new trend where people make marijuana-infused wine. They say it's the first wine that pairs well with EVERY food. –Jimmy Fallon
Donald Trump was talking to reporters yesterday, after the big healthcare vote, and people noticed that he didn't seem to know how many senators there are. When told it is two for each state, Trump said, "I'm going to need another clue." –Jimmy Fallon
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
An elementary school teacher in Wisconsin was arrested after she allegedly made out with one of her fifth grade students just months before her wedding. Which is why you should never have your bachelorette party at Chuck E. Cheese. —Colin Jost
An 11 day cruise is being offered next year from Miami to the Caribbean in which passengers will be nude. The cruise will offer Pickle Ball, Corn Hole, and also games. —Colin Jost
A new report chronicles a disorder called sexsomnia in which people try to have sex when they’re asleep. The report was written by someone named Phil Fosby. —Colin Jost
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
Donald Trump, meanwhile, skipped the debate to campaign, telling the crowd that his many legal woes – he currently has five separate trials – are evidence of their persecution. ‘I’m being indicted for you’, he said. He committed the crimes for himself, but he was indicted for us, he was indicted for our sins. And of course, no Trump rally would be complete without a little fudging of the crowd size. Trump claimed he spoke to tens of thousands of people, but the venue, which had many empty seats, had a capacity of 5,200. He’s back to exaggerating crowd size. At this point, the only way for Donald Trump to draw a crowd of 10,000 is with a Sharpie. There were so many empty seats, you couldn’t tell if it was a Trump rally or a Trump inauguration. —Jimmy Kimmel
The third Republican presidential debate took place on Wednesday, with five G.O.P. hopefuls taking the stage in Miami. Oh, yeah, there was name-calling, wild rants and personal attacks. Even Trump was watching like, ‘Game recognize game.’ Yeah, it was vicious. At one point, Lester Holt was like, ‘We interrupt this debate with a Real Housewives reunion already in progress.’ — Jimmy Fallon
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
The latest Republican primary debate was held in Miami on Wednesday night without the faraway frontrunner, Donald Trump. The former president is so dominant, even his own former vice-president, who in a normal world might be a top contender, just dropped out last month and nobody noticed or cared. Although, I’m not sure anyone has ever really noticed Mike Pence. He’s the color they paint your apartment before you move in. That’s how he got away from the mob trying to kill him on January 6 – he just stood on a pedestal in the Rotunda, and they just thought he was a statue. —Seth Meyers
But let’s face it, this is just what the modern GOP is: people attacking other people’s children in the hope of winning an election they’ve already lost. And Ron DeSantis has a complete inability to smile like a normal human being. On several occasions, DeSantis seemed to be forcing himself to smile. If you’re trying to convince people that you don’t wear lifts inside your boots, maybe don’t make the ‘my heels are killing me’ face. —Seth Meyers
During last night’s debate, Vivek Ramaswamy criticized Nikki Haley’s foreign policy views and said she was ‘Dick Cheney in three-inch heels.’ ‘Hey, I’m right here,’ said Ron DeSantis. — Seth Meyers
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
"Politicians in Miami have passed a resolution to split Florida into two states. Yeah, the two states would be known as Geezerville and Methylvania." –Jimmy Fallon
A couple in Orlando who ordered plastic storage bins on Amazon got a delivery filled with 65 pounds of weed. They were like, “Wow, Amazon Prime is even better than we thought.” –Jimmy Fallon
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
According to a report released by the Justice Department's internal watchdog, former FBI director James Comey used a personal Gmail account on numerous occasions to conduct FBI business. And when she heard that, Hillary Clinton punched a wall so hard the building collapsed. --Seth Meyers
Major league baseball has announced that they will allow players to wear nicknames on their jerseys for one weekend this season. Unfortunately, it will be the nicknames fans give them. –Seth Meyers
President Trump will speak in Miami tomorrow. He’ll be comfortable, because he still has strong support in Florida. Plus, he’s the state fruit. –Seth Meyers
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
"The United States was able to find and kill Osama bin Laden because of a tip from one of his wives. When she saw a picture of his body, she said, 'Now who can't drive the car?'" –Conan O'Brien May 2011
Fox News is about to debut its new tagline. Instead of "fair and balanced," they're going with “thanks for watching, Mr. President.” --Conan O’Brien
A nightclub in Miami has lost its business license after a woman brought a horse onto the dance floor. In the nightclub's defense, the horse's ID looked real. --Conan O’Brien
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
"This is crazy. Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi was hit in the face at a rally in Rome yesterday. Berlusconi said he wasn't hit too hard, or too soft. He described the attack as 'al dente.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"Politicians in Miami have passed a resolution to split Florida into two states. Yeah, the two states would be known as Geezerville and Methylvania." –Jimmy Fallon
"A new poll shows that President Obama has expanded his lead over Mitt Romney since the Democratic National Convention. Of course, it didn't help Obama as much as that other event – the Republican National Convention." –Jimmy Fallon
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
"A new study claims that 1 in 10 Americans no longer carry cash. They’re called English majors." –Seth Meyers
President Trump will speak in Miami tomorrow. He’ll be comfortable, because he still has strong support in Florida. Plus, he’s the state fruit. –Seth Meyers
Emerson College officials said that starting in 2016 they will offer students the opportunity to major in comedy. Or, you can just take your tuition money and burn it in front of your parents. –Seth Meyers
A bill has been introduced that would reduce the speed limit in New York City to 25 miles per hour, while cab drivers are just being asked to keep all four wheels on the ground.--Seth Meyers
http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
