Transfer all power from life support to the main thrusters (purposefully distorted)

Well, this week, we learned our entire national security team has the texting skills of my Aunt Janet. Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth, seen here indicating how many days since his last drink, sent detailed attack plans for an airstrike in Yemen to a text chain that accidentally included the editor of The Atlantic magazine. Of all people to accidentally add to the chat, it was the editor of The Atlantic. That's like if you were planning a surprise quinceañera and you cc'd Jared from Subway. —Colin Jost

Colorado officials have removed a portrait of President Trump from the state capitol after Trump complained that it didn't look good, calling it "purposefully distorted.” In the artist's defense, Trump did pose for the portrait with a hamburger inside his mouth. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I don’t agree with Trump on much, but yeah, they screwed you (Dave’s weird friend)

“Trump has fully turned Canada – yeah, that Canada – into an enemy. He’s threatening military force to annex Greenland, he signed an order directing his vice-president to remove ‘wokeness’ from the National Zoo and he’s mad about a portrait at the Colorado state capitol that isn’t sufficiently flattering. On that last point, I don’t agree with Trump on much, but yeah, they fucked you.” —Seth Meyers

National security adviser Mike Waltz’s played the blame game for the Signal group chat used to discuss sensitive military plans for strikes in Yemen. Speaking to Fox News, Waltz claimed that the number for Jeffrey Goldberg, The Atlantic editor he invited to the chat, just got “sucked in” to his phone. It just got ‘sucked in’ is a terrible answer when your title is national security adviser. It’s not even a good answer if your title is Dave’s weird friend. —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If we lose Dave Nugget and Mark Filet-O-Fish, I’m a goner (Pop Secret)

No one is buying the administration’s excuses, not even congressional Republicans such as the Nebraska lawmaker Don Bacon, who said: “I think it’s classified. They’re digging themselves a bigger hole and I would implore the secretary of defense and others, just own it.” Trump cannot be happy about this. [Colbert as Trump]: “OK, we’ve lost Don Bacon, this just got real. If we lose Dave Nugget and Mark Filet-O-Fish, I’m a goner.” —Stephen Colbert

“This scandal won’t be going away any time soon because Mike Waltz has made a key strategic error: being an idiot everywhere, at all times. Wired reported that Waltz kept his Venmo friends list public, including fellow senior staff, journalists, a tailor and doctors. He’s Venmoing his doctor? My man, if your doctor takes Venmo, that ain’t a doctor. Worse, the German newspaper Der Spiegel reported that senior Trump officials’ mobile phone numbers, email addresses and passwords were easily available online, including for Waltz and the secretary of defense, Pete Hegseth. These are our highest-ranking security officials! I don’t think we should trust these people with anything top secret. Hell, I don’t think we should trust these people with anything Pop Secret.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Apparently theres a party on Isle 15 (don’t send out an e-vite for Fight Club)

Numerous intelligence officials are agog at the SignalGate scandal; one posted on X: “My junior analysts know not to do this. Yes, everyone understands this! The characters in Fight Club understand this! It’s why the first rule of Fight Club is don’t send out an e-vite for Fight Club. —Stephen Colbert

Michael Waltz, Trump’s national security adviser, who invited Jeffrey Goldberg to the Signal chat, tried to defend himself in an interview with Fox News’s Laura Ingraham, at once taking responsibility and claiming that Goldberg’s number was “somehow sucked in” to his phone. “It gets sucked in?” OK, so you’re discussing military secrets on an app that’s so insecure that the numbers of people you’ve never spoken to just get sucked in, and then that person is part of the chat? Well, something sucks, but I don’t think it’s the numbers. —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Those missiles haven’t even left their apartment yet (you might see the launch codes on OnlyFans!)

Last weekend, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth messaged the group “TEAM UPDATE” with operational details of forthcoming strikes on Houthi rebels in Yemen, including information about targets, weapons to be deployed and attack sequencing. So to recap, the secretary of defense posted, on a publicly available app, specific war plans, which were then seen by a reporter who was accidentally on the thread. It’s a phenomenon previously known as ‘brother of the bride on the bachelor party text chain’. The messages may have violated several provisions of the Espionage Act, as Signal is not approved by the government for sharing classified information. And the only reason we know that they were doing any of this is because they accidentally included a journalist! What else are these ‘merit-based hires’ posting? For all we know, for just $4.99 a month, you might see the launch codes on OnlyFans! —Stephen Colbert

“This is an unprecedented failure of national security protocols and a grotesque disregard for the safety of American service members. Or as Donald Trump would say: no it isn’t!” It wasn’t just times and strikes. Hegseth also texted information about the target of the strikes, saying ‘target terrorist is @ his Known Location so SHOULD BE ON TIME.’ Should be on time? I’ve seen that text before. Those missiles haven’t even left their apartment yet. —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

it would break through the wall like the Kool-Aid man (distracted by The White Lotus)

Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth, whose group text on Signal regarding the administration’s plans to bomb Houthi targets in Yemen accidentally included Atlantic editor Jeffrey Goldberg. Back in my day if you were a journalist who wanted leaked war documents, you had to work the sources, meet them in a dark garage, earn the trust, pound the pavement. Now? Just wait for the national security adviser to be distracted by The White Lotus while he’s setting up his Bomb Yemen group chat. —Jon Stewart

The Trump administration has put sensitive military information in a group chat with journalist Jeffrey Goldberg. In other words, our national security is being guarded by a bunch of doofs you wouldn’t trust to throw your cousin a surprise party. No one on the chain thought to ask: ‘Who is JG? What are these initials?’ They could’ve been leaking secrets to Jeff Goldblum, for all they knew. If Joe Biden’s top military team accidentally texted these plans to a journalist, Laura Ingraham’s erection would be so rock strong, it would break through the wall like the Kool-Aid man. —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

She's even been contacted by Bill Clinton about an internship (Nancy Pelosi was seen fleeing the country)

A California woman with the world's longest tongue says being a Guinness record holder has provided her with career opportunities. She's even been contacted by Bill Clinton about an internship. —Greg Gutfeld

Elon Musk said Doge's next target will be members of Congress who got strangely wealthy. Upon hearing the news Nancy Pelosi was seen fleeing the country. —Greg Gutfeld

In a New York Times essay Hillary Clinton calls the Trump administration dumb over the Signal chat leak. She added quote "If it were me they would have already found Mike Waltz dead in a prison cell." —Greg Gutfeld

A new study says masturbation can improve the quality of sleep and furthermore … Zzzzzzzzzzz. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

it was considered a good day if Joe could locate the hole for the straw in his juice box (basic grammar)

In mere weeks President Trump's done more than Joe Biden did in his lifetime. Granted, it was considered a good day if Joe could locate the hole for the straw in his juice box. —Greg Gutfeld

Donald Trump has never been so popular and that's because he's a man of action not a man of traction. Which is why the media is constantly playing catch up. They literally can't keep up with him. When he's working on ceasefires in Ukraine they're still pining over deported criminals. So, as a Democrat media complex sinks they look to the Signal story as a life preserver, and they're going to beat it to death like Jasmine Crockett does to basic grammar. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's like they're describing my dream date with John Stamos (you told your date you were in medical school)

When you have real goals, ones you decide to act on, you're going to make some mistakes. Whether it's rescuing astronauts in space, running for public office or delivering a baby at a restaurant because you told your date you were in medical school. —Greg Gutfeld

The bottom line is the percentage of Americans who say we're on the right track is through the roof. No wonder the media is feasting on the Signal story like it's a gazelle carcass at The View. —Greg Gutfeld

What's left for them when everyone loves Trump's aims? You go after the process. Oh, it's too fast. It's too sloppy. It's like they're describing my dream date with John Stamos. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”