It’s surprisingly wrinkly (more radiant than ever)

Over the weekend, Iran responded to Trump’s proposal with a list of demands that included reparations for the war and full control over the strait of Hormuz. Tehran also said that it as willing to suspend development of its nuclear program but for a shorter time than the 20 years requested by Trump. Twenty years isn’t even that long,” laughed Colbert. “Anne Hathaway looks exactly the same. And if anything, Meryl Streep, Stanley Tucci and Emily Blunt are more radiant than ever.” —Stephen Colbert

The president spent this weekend’s Mother’s Day posting a slew of AI-generated images: some showed Trump surrounded by pink hearts while another proclaimed him “the greatest of all time”. He’s also engaging in some recreational idolatry. There is a new 22ft Trump statue at his Miami golf club. [It’s] surprisingly wrinkly. They forgot to steam out his pants, his shirt and his face. —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'm sorry. I misread that (We just don't know when)

Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg now says that Kamala Harris should not have run. Oh, wait, wait, wait. I'm sorry. I misread that. She should not have rum. —Greg Gutfeld 

Meanwhile, at least one organization tried to negotiate a lower rate for Joe Biden's speaking gigs. The offer includes one roundtrip Amtrak ticket, a set of complimentary Depends, and a case of Ensure. But but Joe's agent keeps stressing that Joe's a limited time offer. Time's running out. We just don't know when. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

which gives him the rare opportunity to bankrupt an organization that doesn’t have his name on it (loaning a watermelon to a hippopotamus)

Donald Trump has been attempting to find the money for the $454 million bond needed to pay New York courts. Banks are unwilling to lend him the money for the same reason you wouldn’t loan a watermelon to a hippopotamus. —Jimmy Kimmel

There are also rumors that Trump, to pay off his mounting legal bills, might end up taking the money from a foreign country which would be a huge national security risk. He has also launched a fundraiser with the RNC, which gives him the rare opportunity to bankrupt an organization that doesn’t have his name on it for once. —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Anyone else have a weird feeling that something terrible is about to happen? (Are we taking the choo-choo or the beep-beep?)

I want to say congratulations to the Houston Astros, who won the World Series last night! What a great week for our guest tonight, Jose Altuve. He’s the shortest player in Major League Baseball. First, he wins the World Series, then he found out he’s going to Disney World, then he heard he’s tall enough to ride almost all the roller coasters. –Jimmy Fallon

I saw that President Trump leaves for a 12-day trip to Asia tomorrow. It got off to a bad start when he asked, “How long is the drive? Are we taking the choo-choo or the beep-beep?” –Jimmy Fallon

Guys, today is the first day of November, the turkeys were like, anyone else have a weird feeling that something terrible is about to happen? --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's almost like Hillary is married to him (all countries you can't see from Alaska)

 

John McCain's vice presidential nominee, Sarah Palin, went to the United Nations today for the first time. Yeah, how about that? Up till now, most of her knowledge about foreign countries came from watching the 'Amazing Race.' She met with the presidents of Afghanistan, Colombia and Iraq. She was excited because these are all countries you can't see from Alaska." --Jay Leno

"According to a new CNN poll just out today, John McCain would win the presidential election if only beer drinkers voted. Now, a Democrat, either Hillary or Barack would win, if only wine drinkers voted. But here's the interesting part, if we all got really drunk on tequila, Ralph Nader might actually have a shot." --Jay Leno

"A lot of political gossip out there. Looks like there's problems in the Democratic ranks. It seems tensions between Hillary Clinton and Senate Democratic Leader Harry Reid are reportedly so high that it's almost like Hillary is married to him." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They’re like a creepy husband from a Lifetime movie (do what the crack dealers do: use a payphone!)

March 2023

“New court filings from Dominion Voting Systems’ defamation lawsuit against Fox News, a network which does something that virtually no other mainstream media outlet does: they tell their viewers that they can only trust Fox News and no one else. They’re like a creepy husband from a Lifetime movie.” —Seth Meyers

“We’ve been finding out what they really think about Donald Trump, and it’s hilarious. Tucker Carlson’s texts about Trump, in which he said he hated him and that ‘there is no upside to Trump’. That’s fighting words! White on white crime, let’s go. I know this looks bad, but their makeup sex is going to be so much hotter. This is so embarrassing for Fox News. If they want to keep their shit quiet, they should do what the crack dealers do: use a payphone! I am enjoying the reveals: I have never seen someone’s private texts that are so opposite from their public persona. This is like finding out Nikki Haley has a blaccent.” —Marlon Wayans

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

She fills out every square in the Donald Trump fear bingo card (it takes years of KGB training — and a television)

We just found where Donald Trump might be getting those theories about the "Deep State," because in a new book about Trump's relationship with Vladimir Putin, Washington Post reporter Greg Miller writes, "A trained intelligence operative, Putin understood the power of playing to someone's insecurities and ego." Yes, to spot Trump's insecurities and ego, it takes years of KGB training — and a television. --Stephen Colbert

Bernie Sanders popularity is surprising because he's a self-described socialist, who would also be our oldest president ever. The man is 74-years-old. That's five years older than Donald Trump and 50 years older than anyone Trump would marry. –Stephen Colbert

Actress Lupita Nyong'o is here! She might be our first Oscar winner. She was born in Mexico and raised in Kenya, so she fills out every square in the Donald Trump fear bingo card. –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And it's not just because of how much he resembles Russian dressing (1000 Places To Offend People Before You Die)

"Only one publication had a reporter with Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan on day one, 'People Magazine.' Or as Mitt Romney calls it 'Corporation Magazine.'" –Stephen Colbert

"All in all a successful trip. Best of all, Romney has checked three countries off the list of '1000 Places To Offend People Before You Die.'" –Stephen Colbert

"Like Sarah Palin, Rafalca's female, also doesn't read newspapers, and has completed the same number of terms as governor." –Stephen Colbert, on Ann Romney's horse that competed in the Olympic Dressage event

A lot of people are talking about Donald Trump and Russia now. And not just because of how much he resembles Russian dressing. –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

He also publicly apologized to New Hampshire's entire black community, a guy named Steve (cheating off the Asian kid)

May 2014

"In New Hampshire, a police commissioner who called President Obama a racial slur has resigned. He also publicly apologized to New Hampshire's entire black community, a guy named Steve." –Conan O'Brien

"The FBI has reversed its policy and will now hire people who have smoked pot in the past three years. When asked why, the FBI said, 'Because we couldn't find anyone who hasn't smoked pot.'" –Conan O'Brien

"A high school girl has invited Joe Biden to be her prom date. Isn't that nice? However, her father is refusing to let her go with a guy who can't really describe what he does for a living." –Conan O'Brien

"The U.S. is accusing Chinese military officials of spying. When asked why they did it, the Chinese officials said it's payback for all the times your students cheated off the Asian kid." –Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I thought the longest day of the year was the time I saw Steven Seagal do Shakespeare in the park (at their highest)

June 2022

“Thank you for joining us on the first day of summer, which is wild. This is the day when both the sun and Jimmy Kimmel are said to be at their highest.” — Sean Hayes, guest host of “Jimmy Kimmel Live”

“Today is also known as the summer solstice, which is the longest day of the year, which is funny, because I thought the longest day of the year was the time I saw Steven Seagal do Shakespeare in the park.” —Sean Hayes

“Out of all the days in the year, this is the one where we get the most sunlight, so if you were still sad today, I hate to break to it you, but your seasonal depression is just regular depression.” —Sean Hayes

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Um … shouldn’t you guys be working on this year’s sexy calendar? (A Racist Cat Meows Confederate Battle Hymns)

June 2022

“Fox, by the way, has decided not to carry the hearings about January 6th on their news network tomorrow night. Instead, they will show their new special, ‘Tucker Carlson presents: A Racist Cat Meows Confederate Battle Hymns.’” —Jimmy Kimmel

“It’s not a surprise, because Fox constantly says the opposite of what the hearings will say. The committee will lay out the truth of what happened, and Fox will lie. It’s that simple. The hearings will say Jan. 6 was a violent insurrection fomented by an outgoing president who nearly pulled off a detailed plan for an attempted coup to unlawfully cling to power that would have installed him as an unelected autocrat and destroyed American democracy. And Fox will say it was just a pro-freedom, patriot party where everyone peacefully toured the Capitol like they were on a school field trip, having to find items their teachers gave them on a worksheet.” —Seth Meyers

“Look, we’d all rather be talking about other stuff, but you guys are the ones trying to destroy American democracy. You’re like a bunch of arsonists who burn down a house, and when the fire department shows up, you’re like, ‘Um … shouldn’t you guys be working on this year’s sexy calendar? Get your priorities straight!’” —Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”