Jimmy Dore: Jokes of the Week - September 12, 2014

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Now you tell me (it's cheaper to fire people in bulk)

"Experts say that what happened in Egypt proves that countries in

the Middle East can move toward democracy without the U.S.

invading them. George W. Bush said, 'Now you tell me.'"

–Jay Leno

"Wal-Mart announced it's cutting over 11,000 jobs. Wal-Mart said it's cheaper to fire people in bulk." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Oh you're going to hate being married (Michael Moore in a damp Mu Mu)

Some federal workers are upset about Elon Musk’s request to list 5 things they did at work. Okay so an email that asks you what you did at work is terrifying. Oh you're going to hate being married. —Greg Gutfeld

Elon Musk says DOGE is completely transparent. Of course too much transparency can suck, like if you come across Michael Moore in a damp Mu Mu. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

For example, you know what $700 billion buys? (100 senators and 435 congressmen)

"You know, the interesting thing is, these numbers are so big that people can't even comprehend them. Like $700 billion. See, the best way to understand large amounts of money is to think of it in terms of what it can buy. For example, you know what $700 billion buys? It can buy you 100 senators and 435 congressmen." --Jay Leno

"CNN anchor Carol Costello was robbed of her iPhone in broad daylight while walking down the street in Atlanta. Unfortunately it was on CNN, so there weren't any witnesses." –Jay Leno

"This week the president unveiled his new campaign slogan, 'Forward.' And Mitt Romney unveiled his slogan, 'My money might be offshore, but my heart's right here in America.'" –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And the Republicans delivered in the form of five quarters, two dimes, and a nickel (Economy Minus)

We want to congratulate the Philadelphia Eagles for beating the Patriots last night to win their first Super Bowl championship ever. Now, usually the president will call and congratulate the winners. But breaking with tradition, President Trump actually called the Patriots after the game and just mocked them for being losers. --James Corden

Speaker of the House Paul Ryan is being called out of touch and is facing some backlash after bragging about the Republican tax plan. He tweeted about a Pennsylvania high school secretary saying she was pleasantly surprised when her pay went up $1.50 a week. I guess Trump promised real change. And the Republicans delivered in the form of five quarters, two dimes, and a nickel. --James Corden

A family returning from vacation recently showed up to their flight with a company called Tui Airlines, only to find that their assigned seats did not exist. So they had to spend their entire flight sitting on the floor. Spirit Airlines heard about this and were like, “Wait, we don’t have to give our customers seats? We’re allowed to do this?” The family’s seat assignments were for seats that didn’t exist or as the airline is now calling it, Economy Minus. --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He's been made an honorary member of the U.S. snowboarding team (The Corporate War On Us)

February 2014

"Norway currently leads the medal count with 12, followed by the Netherlands and Canada, followed then by white-sylvania and albino-stan. The Winter Games are really the only games that to do well, you have to look exactly like the surface you're competing on." –Jon Stewart

"Yesterday Matt Lauer jokingly blamed Bob Costas' eye infection on Russian President Vladimir Putin. Yeah, and today police are wondering: Where in the world is Matt Lauer?" –Conan O'Brien

"The Slovenian woman who won the gold medal in alpine skiing is also a pop star in her country. So Justin Bieber is not the only pop star going downhill fast." –Conan O'Brien

"Bob Costas had to take a break from hosting the Olympics coverage due to an eye infection. In fact, his eyes are so bloodshot, he's been made an honorary member of the U.S. snowboarding team." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Why's everyone looking at me? (The Corporate War On Us)

January 2013

"The White House announced that the theme for President Obama's inauguration will be 'Faith in America's Future.' Which is proof that no one in the White House has ever seen 'Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama's team is promising special perks for donors who give at least a million dollars to the inauguration. Which is cool, but you know what else can get you a lot of perks? Keeping that million dollars." –Jimmy Fallon

"Today, the president hosted a screening of NBC's White House comedy, '1600 Penn,' which centers on a goofy guy who keeps embarrassing the White House. Or as Joe Biden put it, 'Why's everyone looking at me?'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the last time someone said 'yes' to an Obama proposal/but with extra sour cream/Coincidence? Yes.

October 2011

"It's the third week of the Wall Street protests and they've closed down an entire Manhattan street. And then, the cops asked Michael Moore to move." –Craig Ferguson

"Happy anniversary to President Obama and the first lady. They had a nice private dinner to celebrate the 19th anniversary of the last time someone said 'yes' to an Obama proposal." –Craig Ferguson 

"I don't know much about the Supreme Court. If it's anything like the Supreme Taco, it's like a regular court, but with extra sour cream." –Craig Ferguson 

"There are nine Supreme Court members and nine people on a baseball team. Coincidence? Yes." –Craig Ferguson

"Special Forces killed the editor of al-Qaida's magazine. So your delivery may be a little late this month. Before this guy worked for al-Qaida's magazine, he worked for 'Carbomb and Driver.'" –David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Krystal and Saagar react to results, Michael Moore's dire warning for Democrats

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 
A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

That’s like looking both ways before you cross the street then getting hit by a drone (I think this guy might be dealing meth)

President Trump said that he had brought up the subject of Joe Biden’s son Hunter to Ukraine’s President, Volodymyr Zelensky.

“We spent years talking about Russia; it might be Ukraine that takes down Trump. Who saw that coming? That’s like looking both ways before you cross the street then getting hit by a drone.” --Jimmy Fallon

“Maybe even crazier is the fact that Trump did this on July 25th, the day after the Mueller testimony. So a day after the conclusion of a major investigation into whether he got help in an election from a foreign leader, he gets on the phone and asks for help from another foreign leader. It’s like the only thing I can compare it to is when Mike Tyson bit Evander Holyfield’s ear and then bit Evander Holyfield’s other ear.” --Jimmy Kimmel

“The bottom line is it would appear the president used his office to ask a foreign country to dig up dirt on his opponent, and Democrats in Congress are thinking very seriously about threatening to maybe consider almost doing something about it.” --Jimmy Kimmel

“Today Nancy Pelosi said, ‘Another five or 600 violations and we might think about impeachment.’” --Jimmy Fallon

“While addressing the whistle-blower complaint about Ukraine, Nancy Pelosi accused President Trump of endangering national security. Yeah, Nancy, where you been? You’re like, my mom’s friend who is watching Season 4 of ‘Breaking Bad’ and says, ‘I think this guy might be dealing meth.’” --Seth Meyers

“I know they say that history repeats itself, but usually it’s after a few generations, not, like, two years later with the exact same person.” --James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

The Corporate War On Us (dabbling in witchcraft)

"Sarah Palin tweeted a warning to Christine O'Donnell that the national media is seeking her destruction. That is ridiculous. If the media wanted to destroy her, they would just douse her with water." –Craig Ferguson

"I like Christine O'Donnell. She's good-looking and she's hilarious. I haven't had this much fun since Cheney was in office." –Craig Ferguson

"Christine O'Donnell said that Hollywood needs to re-evaluate what they're doing because movies these days are all filled with gay sex and extramarital affairs. I thought, 'Have fun in Congress then.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Justin Bieber was spotted at a Hooters restaurant in Canada. I don't think 16-year-olds should be hanging out at Hooters. They should be dabbling in witchcraft, like Christine O'Donnell." –Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

First, the couple wrote their own vows and then they wrote their own prescriptions (Corporate War On Us)

"Today, President Obama spoke at Kalamazoo's central high school graduation ceremony in Michigan. He told the students they could be anything they want to be, but if they could be oil leak experts, that could be great." –Jimmy Fallon

"B.P.'s CEO Tony Hayward said yesterday that he will not step down over the gulf oil coast spill. Yeah, he said, 'I mean, it's not like I let one of the biggest ecological disasters in history happen. Oh, I did? Well, at least my first attempt at cleaning it up worked.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Congratulations to Rush Limbaugh, who got married for the fourth time on Saturday. It was so romantic — so romantic. First, the couple wrote their own vows and then they wrote their own prescriptions." –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

the German army is now doing most of its recruiting in New Jersey (He's more evil than I thought)

Saddam Hussein's guards, the people who are guarding him in prison, have talked. They've given these interviews with GQ magazine, the magazine for dictators on the go. According to the soldiers who were guarding Saddam Hussein, Saddam likes having Raisin Bran for breakfast but he hates Fruit Loops. After hearing this President Bush said, “He hates fruit loops? He's more evil than I thought.” --Conan O’Brien 6/21/2005

It was reported that during their recent trip to Paris, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes ran up a thirty thousand dollar hotel bill. Cruz was furious and told Holmes, “This is coming out of what I pay you.” --Conan O’Brien 6/21/2005

A court in Germany has ruled that soldiers in the German army should be allowed to keep their mullets and ponytails. In a related story the German army is now doing most of its recruiting in New Jersey. --Conan O’Brien 6/21/2005

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”  

Essentially capitalism with a conscience (It's a small world after all)

The Disney Company is blocking the distribution of Michael Moore's new documentary because it criticizes President Bush. When asked if the block has anything to do with the tax breaks Disney wants from Florida Governor Jeb Bush a spokesman for Disney said, “It's a small world after all.” --Conan O’Brien 5/5/2004

The world's oldest Viagra user is 99 years old. So I'm wondering why can't he just use a cane like everybody else. --Conan O’Brien 5/5/2004

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Last in spelling. Last in empathy. Last in geography. Last in approval ratings (Duh..)

Filmmaker Michael Moore told MSNBC yesterday he believes it is absolutely possible that President Trump could be the last president of the United States. And that's probably true. Last in spelling. Last in empathy. Last in geography. Last in approval ratings. --Seth Meyers

A new study found that just 52 percent of adults said they read books, while the other 48 percent said, "Duh." --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Dick Cheney is being rushed to Cuba by Michael Moore (It's the watch Cheney uses to hypnotize him)

"Dick Cheney has had like 19 heart attacks and has a pacemaker. He needs a new pacemaker. I guess they wear out from time to time. So right now, Dick Cheney is being rushed to Cuba by Michael Moore." --David Letterman

"George Bush was in Albania and his watch was stolen. ... They have a description of the guy. They say the suspect is armed and punctual. It's not a laughing matter. Don't kid yourselves. It's an important watch. It's the one Cheney uses to hypnotize him." --David Letterman

"Here's some broadcasting ugliness. Dan Rather, who used to host the 'Evening News' here at CBS, said this about Katie Couric, who is now hosting the 'CBS Evening News.' Dan Rather said she is tarting up the news. Dan followed that comment by saying, 'Bring me another whiskey sour.'" --David Letterman

A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster.

Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s

Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-

collected-poems-1985-2015.html

they're gonna put Communism in our kids' drinking water (inject them with the gay)

"Just today, President Bush gave a press conference to talk about an issue on everyone's mind -- health care. Specifically, this so-called SCHIP insurance bill. It's a Democratic measure that would expand what children would be eligible for federally funded health insurance. And you know why that's bad [on screen: Bush saying, 'The SCHIP plan is an incremental step toward the goal of government run health care for every American']. Oh my God, they're gonna put Communism in our kids' drinking water and then inject them with the gay and load them on Michael Moore and float them to Cuba!" --Jon Stewart

    

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

Or, as Senator Larry Craig calls it, 'the love seat.' (an excellent professor at Clown College)

"The government is thinking of considering charging every person who enters the United States a dollar to raise more money for border control agents. You know, we can't catch people sneaking across the border now. How are you gonna charge them a dollar? I got a better idea, why don't we charge American companies a buck for every job they send overseas?" --Jay Leno

"Today is the 171st birthday of the flush toilet. Or, as Senator  Larry Craig calls it, 'the love seat.'" --David Letterman

 "The Republican presidential hopefuls had another debate last night, this time in Florida. Former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani, he needs to win Florida because he hasn't done well anywhere else. I think I might know why he's not doing well. I believe that Giuliani's lack of success so far may have something to do with his facial expressions [on screen: a montage of strange Giuliani facial expressions]. He may not win the presidency, but he'll make an excellent professor at Clown College." --Jimmy Kimmel

Frisbeetarian (remembering Carlin, pt. 1)

"Al Gore's movie about global warming broke into the 'Top Ten' this past week. President Bush was not impressed. He said the movie about me, Fahrenheit 9/11, did better than that." --Jay Leno

"President Bush said he's not going to see the film. He said he did go to see 'Ice Age 2: The Meltdown' so he has all the facts about global warming." --Jay Leno

"Actually, Al Gore's movie, An Inconvenient Truth, made about $2 million this past weekend, whereas X-Men made about $150 million. That just shows we're more interested in the fake people saving the fake earth than the real people trying to save the real earth." --Jay Leno

but the Supreme Court overturned it (remembering Johnny, pt 2)

"Did you know Al Gore was voted our second most popular guest ever? Actually he finished first, but the Supreme Court overturned it." --Jay Leno

"A lot of people said Al Gore was the best vice president the country ever had. Not to take anything away from Al, but look at the competition. He replaced a guy who couldn't spell 'potato' and was followed by a guy who shot someone in the face." --Jay Leno

"Al Gore's movie about global warming broke into the 'Top Ten' this past week. President Bush was not impressed. He said the movie about me, Fahrenheit 9/11, did better than that." --Jay Leno