Assuming the next guy is Dick Cheney (Dad, quit asking me that)

 

"Cuban doctors said today that Fidel Castro is recovering and is in better shape than the next guy. Assuming the next guy is Dick Cheney." --Jay Leno

 "President Bush said he's often asked why we are in Iraq when Saddam Hussein isn't responsible for 9/11. Bush said all his responses are the same -- 'Dad, quit asking me that.'" --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

But don't worry, you'll still be able to see him on ABC's 'Dancing With the Stars.' (to help you get your numbers up)

"Mitt Romney spent something like $35 million of his own money. If he loses any more, he may have to run as a Democrat." -Jay Leno

"Vice President Dick Cheney is here in California to try and boost the campaigns of several of the Republican candidates out here. Boy, how low are you in the polls when you bring in Cheney to help you get your numbers up?" --Jay Leno

 

Fidel Castro has resigned today as the president of Cuba. But don't worry, you'll still be able to see him on ABC's 'Dancing With the Stars.'" --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And I'm thinking, why didn't we get a president like that instead of George W. Bush? (I mean, luckily something like that couldn't happen today)

"According to reports, Fidel Castro is alert and being briefed. And I'm thinking, why didn't we get a president like that instead of George W. Bush?" --David Letterman

"People say Hillary Clinton has a brand new diamond ring, an enormous diamond ring. The last time anybody saw a rock that big, it was going through a window at the Danish embassy." --David Letterman

"Today is a historic day. On this day in 1804 Vice President Aaron Burr shot Alexander Hamilton. A vice president shooting a guy? I mean, luckily something like that couldn't happen today." --David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Get the body you always wanted this summer!! (Which one of us are you talking to?)

 

"And last night during his speech, Bill Clinton promised to do everything he could to help Barack Obama win the election. And then Hillary said: That's nice. But you know Bill. Keeping promises is not his strong suit." --Jay Leno

"President Bush met with the president of China at the White House. The arrival ceremony was interrupted by a protester who started yelling, 'Stop the persecution, stop the torture!' President Bush had to ask, 'Which one of us are you talking to?'" --Jay Leno

 

"Fidel Castro ran Cuba for almost 50 years. And political analysts are now debating what kind of changes the Cuban people will hope for. I'm gonna guess: term limits." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Don't fall for the con (I won Evil Bingo!)

According to reports, Donald Trump Jr. spoke briefly last year

with a Russian banker with ties to Vladimir Putin while attending

an event hosted by the NRA. Wait, hold on one second. Don Jr.,

OK … Putin … NRA! I won Evil Bingo! –Seth Meyers

Police say a Texas man stabbed his roommate this weekend during a fight over a piece of fried chicken. So even if you don't eat the fried chicken, it will still find a way to kill you. –Seth Meyers

"The government in Cuba is encouraging citizens to have more children because the country has the lowest number of newborns in Latin America. And nothing gets you in the mood like a direct order from Fidel Castro." –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Not that the cat could care less either way, really (bookcases)

"Well, a new study has found that having a cat makes you 40%

less likely to die of a heart attack. Not that the cat could care

less either way, really." --Jay Leno

"Fidel Castro was president for a long time. Do you realize that when Castro came to power in 1959 John McCain was only 61 years old?" --Jay Leno

 

"There could be problems for Hillary Clinton. Apparently, there are 14 states to go, and she only has 12 pantsuits left." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The speech was stopped 72 times last night for applause and another 30 for subpoenas (It was hard to hear over the explosions)

"But Fidel Castro’s retirement will not change the relationship Cuba has with the United States. Cubans will still not legally be allowed to enter the United States unless they have an overpowering fastball." --David Letterman

"Vice President Dick Cheney, you know where he is right now? He's in Baghdad. He visited there. While he was in Iraq, he said that it's a successful endeavor. At least I think that's what he said. It was hard to hear over the explosions." --David Letterman

 

"President Bush's State of the Union address was stopped 72 times last night for applause and another 30 for subpoenas." --David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Who wants to lick the flyswatter? (Ted Kennedy sent over a couple Bloody Marys)

"Have you been watching the Samuel Alito confirmation hearings? They're so dull, CBS has ordered 13 more episodes. This Alito guy is so tight that to loosen him up, finally, Ted Kennedy sent over a couple Bloody Marys." --David Letterman

 

"How about that Presidential campaign, huh? Mitt Romney now has suspended his campaign. Yeah, but don't worry about Mitt. He's already gone back to playing Ridge Forrester on 'The Bold and the Beautiful.'" --David Letterman

"It's interesting what former presidents do when they leave office. Bush is now working as a motivational speaker. And if you want to be motivated, who better to turn to than the guy who invaded the wrong country and started a depression." -David Letterman

"Experts believe that now that Fidel has resigned, he will either be succeeded by his brother, Raul, or by his idiot son, Fidel W. Castro." --David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Push button. We'll hear ya! (the Jim Belushi of Central America)

 

Fidel Castro's stepping down as the leader of Cuba. He'll be replaced by his brother, Raul. It's true, yeah. According to the State Department, Raul Castro is the Jim Belushi of Central America." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush delivered a Passover greeting to the Jewish people. Bush explained that Passover celebrates that great day when Jews were led out of Egypt by the Easter Bunny." --Conan O'Brien

"It's now been reported that Britain did pass information on to U.S. authorities about the attempted underwear bomber, but the U.S. disregarded it. In part, that's because the British intelligence referred to him as 'a bloke with boomzy-woomzy in his knickers.'" –Conan O'Brien

"King Jung Nam, the brother of North Korean leader Kim Jung Un, said that as a leader his younger brother will fail. When he heard this, Kim Jung Un was so upset at his older brother, he yelled, 'I'm telling Kim Jung Mom.'" –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

if you caught only the last couple of minutes of the game, don't worry – you saw the whole thing (Have you tried Viagra?)

July 2014

"Yesterday was the big World Cup final between Germany and Argentina. And if you caught only the last couple of minutes of the game, don't worry – you saw the whole thing." –Jimmy Fallon

"The World Cup is finally over. In other words, bars are about to start showing sports that make sense again." –Jimmy Fallon

"During yesterday's World Cup final, a guy ran onto the field with the phrase 'natural born prankster' written on his chest — because nothing says good clean fun like spending the night in a Brazilian prison." –Jimmy Fallon

"While he was in Cuba this weekend, Vladimir Putin met with Fidel Castro and promised to revive Cuba's oil industry. Not to be confused with the other thing Cuba's always having to revive: Fidel Castro." –Jimmy Fallon 

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I will just keep staring at you until you do the thing I want (natural born prankster)

"During yesterday's World Cup final, a guy ran onto the field with the phrase 'natural born prankster' written on his chest — because nothing says good clean fun like spending the night in a Brazilian prison." –Jimmy Fallon

"While he was in Cuba this weekend, Vladimir Putin met with Fidel Castro and promised to revive Cuba's oil industry. Not to be confused with the other thing Cuba's always having to revive: Fidel Castro." –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday was the big World Cup final between Germany and Argentina. And if you caught only the last couple of minutes of the game, don't worry – you saw the whole thing." –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Wait a minute, I'm talking about President Obama (friends with benefits)

September 2011

"Michele Bachmann is for people who find Sarah Palin too intellectual. She is pure. She is always completely fact-free. She said the Founding Fathers worked tirelessly until they got rid of slavery. So from now on Thomas Jefferson’s slaves will be known as friends with benefits." –Bill Maher, on Jay Leno

"Cuban leader Fidel Castro made a rare TV appearance yesterday. He said everyone keeps reporting that he's dead, but he's actually alive and well. He said he went on TV, basically to prove he's still alive. It's pretty much the same reason President Obama was on TV last night. 'I'm still here! I've got your jobs!'" –Jay Leno

"The World Economic Forum, which ranks economies, moved the United States down to 5th place. But we're still the fattest, so that's good." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The virus in the movie 'Contagion' is based on the bird flu which came out of nowhere back in 2008. Everyone thought it was going to change the way we live and it just faded away. Wait a minute, I'm talking about President Obama." –Craig Ferguson

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

a rare appearance on Cuban television indeed (in the same sentence)

"Cuban leader Fidel Castro made a rare appearance on Cuban television the other night. It's a Cuban show called 'Cuba's Got Talent, but America's Got Food, Water, Shelter, Medicine, Cars." –Jay Leno

"We have some wonderful news. BP announced it successfully capped the oil leak. The oil leak has stopped. I am so glad they were able to nip this thing in the bud." –Jay Leno

"Before they capped it, BP had to test the integrity of the well, which I believe is the first time BP and integrity have ever been used in the same sentence." –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

earlier today, Dick Cheney came out in favor of same-sex waterboarding (depending on how much OxyContin he can get his hands on)

"Rush Limbaugh, you know Rush Limbaugh? The new face of the Republican Party, Rush Limbaugh. He says now, listen to this, he says now that he might support Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor. Yes, depending on how much OxyContin he can get his hands on." --David Letterman

"How about that Korean dictator, Kim Jong-Il? Oh my gosh, what's the deal on that guy. He's a little squirrelly, right? And he's going to step down. He's no longer going to be running North Korea. He's turning power over to his son, Kim Jong W-Il. But that was a big disappointment to his other son, Jeb Il." --David Letterman

"Have you noticed all of the dictators are stepping down? Castro stepping down. Kim Jong-Il. Dick Cheney. They're all taking a break." --David Letterman

"I think Dick Cheney is getting a little wacky, because earlier today, he came out in favor of same-sex waterboarding. Dick, are you all right? Are you okay, Dick?" --David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

We're not pleased with the way you executed the war (No Ice Cap Left Behind)

"President Bush is going to be talking about global warming in his State of the Union address. He's unveiling his new plan. I believe it's called 'No Ice Cap Left Behind.'" --David Letterman

"President Bush has the answer to global warming. He's going to send 20,000 troops to the sun." --David Letterman

"President Bush watched the hanging of Saddam Hussein. He said he was not pleased with how the Iraqis executed Saddam Hussein. The Iraqis fired back, 'Yeah? We're not pleased with the way you executed the war.'" --David Letterman

"Cold outside, isn't it? It's so cold Fidel Castro is happy to have one foot in hell." --David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

They've upgraded his condition from 'grave' to 'serious but hilarious' (they are afraid President Bush will know where it is and will show up)

"Democrats have announced that their 2008 presidential convention will be held in Denver. You know, it's interesting that the Republicans haven't made a big deal about where their 2008 convention will be. They are keeping it very low key because they are afraid President Bush will know where it is and will show up." --Jay Leno

"Fidel Castro, the Cuban President who has been hospitalized since July, has been the subject of several conflicting medical reports regarding his physical condition. CNN reported the reason Castro's health has taken such a downturn was his decision to have a very risky operation to have doctors implant him with -- and this is true -- an artificial anus. They've upgraded his condition from 'grave' to 'serious but hilarious.'" --Jon Stewart

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Cocaine? I asked him to get me Rogaine (That Face You Make)

"Kind of a scandal brewing for presidential candidate  Rudy Giuliani. Yesterday, a top aide to Rudy Giuliani was busted for possessing and distributing cocaine. When asked about it, Giuliani said, 'Cocaine? I asked him to get me Rogaine.'" --Conan O'Brien

"In an essay published on Friday, Fidel Castro said the U.S. will never have Cuba. Never have? We already have. It's called Miami." --Jay Leno

"Do you know who's being suggested as the next Commissioner of Baseball after he leaves office?  President Bush. He's a big baseball fan. President Bush, Commissioner of Baseball? And you thought the games would never end now." --Jay Leno

A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster.

Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s

Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-

collected-poems-1985-2015.html

You know who else has been on Meet the Press? (Fidel Castro and Judas)

"You cannot swing a cat these days without hitting a hate group. There's your Nazis, your Neo-Nazis. You've also got your Basque separatists, your Islamofascists and worst of all, your Democrat open forum websites led by the goose-stepping, blog-stapo at DailyKos.com. 

This Fourth Reich was rooted out by a man who knows his fatherlands, Papa Bear Bill O'Reilly [on screen: FNC's O'Reilly comparing DailyKos to the Ku Klux Klan and the Nazis]. 

There is one difference. Nazis build bunkers. Daily Kos bloggers build pillow forts. Over the weekend, the head of Ku Kos Klan, grand dragon Markos Moulitsas, appeared on 'Meet the Press.' 

You know who else has been on 'Meet the Press'? Fidel Castro and Judas. I haven't confirmed that, but the show's been on forever." --Stephen Colbert

     

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

Wow, just like Dan Rather (Donald Scissorhands)

"The president of Iran, Mahmoud Ahma-nut job, has arrived in the United States. Did you know he was issued a visa to come here? Isn't that amazing? You need a visa to get into the United States now, when did they start with that? You know the interesting part? After he landed, he actually drove his own cab in from the airport." --Jay Leno

"My favorite part of his speech is when he said there are no homosexuals in Iran. That's what he said. Too bad, because they need somebody to choreograph those parades they have every week." --Jay Leno

 "According to a new report out of Cuba, Fidel Castro is near death, but is clinging to life and he is determined to outlive the Bush presidency. Wow, just like Dan Rather." --Jay Leno

     

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

Hillary wearing a traditional Somali pantsuit (Oh, No. Not again!)

"Things getting nasty now between the Clinton and Obama campaigns. They've been so civil for a while. Now it's getting nasty. Check this out, Hillary Clinton's campaign has been circulating a photo of Barack Obama wearing a traditional Somali dress. Meanwhile, Obama's campaign has been circulating a photo of Hillary wearing a traditional Somali pantsuit." --Conan O'Brien

"This weekend, Fidel Castro, who is 81 years old, resigned from the presidency of Cuba and was replaced by his brother Raul, who is 76. Yeah, afterwards, Castro said, 'I wanted to give the kid a chance.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Hillary Clinton's campaign is trying to embarrass Barack Obama. Have you seen this? They have circulated pictures of Obama wearing tribal dress. Obama wanted to strike back, but there are no pictures of Hillary wearing a dress." --Craig Ferguson

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html