Elmhurst, Illinois is going to outlaw eye-rolling (then it goes right back to Jay Leno's garage)

"Elmhurst, Illinois is going to outlaw eye-rolling. So what happens if John McCain shows up and says he still thinks he made the right choice with Sarah Palin?" –David Letterman

"BP CEO Tony Hayward is being sent to a project in Siberia. He wants to go to a part of the planet that hasn't been ruined yet." –David Letterman

"King Tut's chariot is in New York City for two weeks, then it goes right back to Jay Leno's garage." –David Letterman

"King Tut used the chariot on his first date with Barbara Walters." –David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Pleasure to meet you, Mr. Tut (No word yet on the mental)

Donald Trump accused media outlets this morning of deliberately editing his words to make him come across in a bad light. Also making Trump come across in a bad light – light. –Seth Meyers

The U.N. General Assembly began today, and Donald Trump was scheduled to meet with the president of Egypt. Said Trump, “Pleasure to meet you, Mr. Tut.” –Seth Meyers

Hillary Clinton is here and today is my birthday! Later we're going to bring out a cake and let Hillary cough out the candles. –Jimmy Fallon

Good news from the White House. President Bush last week had his annual physical and he passed. He passed his annual physical. No word yet on the mental. --David Letterman