Whoa, what's the president doing here? (Shrek 6)

It was revealed that DANIEL DAY LEWIS is coming out of his seven year retirement to film a new movie, and you won't believe it. It's Shrek six. —Colin Jost

President Biden made a surprise appearance at a white House press briefing on Friday, and it's not a great sign when you're at the white House and people are like, whoa, what's the president doing here? —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

stop kidding yourself (the last pigeon)

You know when things are going well when #DontDrinkBleach is trending nationally after a president's speech. —Colin Jost

Paramount has begun developing a new movie called Summer Nights, which will be a prequel to the classic movie Grease. A prequel that will finally explain why everyone in that high school was in their late 30s. --Colin Jost, SNL

McDonald’s has announced plans for new digital menus at their drive-thrus that will offer customers suggestions based on what they order. For example, if you order a salad, it will suggest you stop kidding yourself. --Colin Jost, SNL

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I Do Not Mean To Imply... (explaining why he was wearing a red shirt and no pants)

Yesterday was Winnie the Pooh Day. This is according to a man on the subway explaining why he was wearing a red shirt and no pants. --Colin Jost, SNL

Paramount has begun developing a new movie called Summer Nights, which will be a prequel to the classic movie Grease. A prequel that will finally explain why everyone in that high school was in their late 30s. --Colin Jost

Harvey Weinstein has reportedly beaten the coronavirus, but there's still a chance he could be contagious, at least that's what he's yelling to anyone who gets near him in the showers. —Michael Che

"In the wake of news that the NSA is monitoring American phone records, Sen. Arlen Specter, the judiciary committee chairman, said he would subpoena the phone companies to appear before his committee. The phone companies said they would try to be there some time between 10 a.m. and 6 p.m." --Tina Fey

"This week, the presidential race continued to tighten up. In fact, according to the latest polls, John McCain is now only six points behind Sarah Palin." --Amy Poehler

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'm already against the next war (the Washington Monument, brought to you by Cialis)

April 2013

"This week on the 'Today' show, Chelsea Clinton said she's open to running for political office one day. When she heard that, Sasha Obama was like, 'Cool. How does secretary of state sound?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"North Korea threatened to launch a missile at South Korea. North Korea backed down after South Korea threatened to launch a sequel to 'Gangnam Style.'" –Conan O'Brien

"In high school Kim Jong Un starred in a production of the musical 'Grease.' That's also where Kim met his first wife, Olivia Newton Jong." –Conan O'Brien

"The Obama administration new budget plan calls for saving billions of dollars by selling off federal properties. So folks get ready for the Washington Monument, brought to you by Cialis." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

she’s expected to serve 17 minutes and win a People’s Choice Award (I played Danny in Grease)

The actress Felicity Huffman was sentenced to 14 days in prison on Friday. The former “Desperate Housewives” star pleaded guilty to mail fraud after paying $15,000 to inflate her daughter’s SAT score.

“O.K., hold on — she said she committed the crime because she was frightened and stupid? I get the stupid part — what were you frightened of? Was the principal at the school, like, ‘Ma’am, your kid’s score is only good enough for the University of Phoenix’?” --Trevor Noah

“And by the way, if the judge let her off lightly because she was all emotional, then that judge is a fool. Because Felicity Huffman is one of the best actors around — getting emotional is her job.” --Trevor Noah

“Now obviously this short sentence has a lot of backlash with people saying Felicity Huffman only got the special treatment because she is an actor. And I don’t know if that’s true, but you know that right now someone out there is being busted with drugs, and they’re like, ‘Your honor, before you render your verdict, I want you to know that in high school, I played Danny in “Grease.”’ --Trevor Noah

“She was sentenced to two weeks but with good behavior she’s expected to serve 17 minutes and win a People’s Choice Award.” --Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Well, I could have told you that (Handsy Uncle, Maryland)

A new study lists the best city in the U.S. to raise a family as Moscow, Idaho. While the worst is once again Handsy Uncle, Maryland. --Colin Jost, SNL

Paramount has begun developing a new movie called Summer Nights, which will be a prequel to the classic movie Grease. A prequel that will finally explain why everyone in that high school was in their late 30s. --Colin Jost, SNL

And this Monday is tax day. So if you haven’t paid any taxes yet, you’re Amazon. --Colin Jost, SNL

In a recent study, scientists created 3-D scans of dolphin vaginas and found that a dolphin’s clitorus is remarkably similar to a human woman’s. Said the night janitor at SeaWorld, “Well, I could have told you that.” --Michael Che, SNL

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Code red! Defrost the nuggets! (He's foreign and half his age)

We have John Travolta on the show tonight. And this weekend is actually the 40th anniversary of the movie "Grease." To celebrate, President Trump and Kim Jong Un sang a duet of "You're the One That I Want." --Jimmy Fallon

Actually the people at the White House are pretty excited that Trump is back. Sarah Huckabee Sanders said, "Oh. Good." Melania Trump said, "Wait, he's back? Like, NOW?" And finally, the White House kitchen staff screamed, "Code red! Defrost the nuggets! Go, go, go! Go! Get me dinosaur-shaped, dinosaur-shaped!" --Jimmy Fallon

Trump is really excited to tell everyone about the summit. In an interview last night Trump talked about how he and Kim really hit it off — maybe a bit too much. [clip of Trump] "The relationship was really good. He’s got a very good personality, he’s funny. It’s been a very intense relationship. It’s been short, and very intense." Sounds like somebody’s going to the Fantasy Suite! It makes sense, though. Kim is totally Trump's type. He's foreign and half his age. --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Mick Jagger is 73, he could have been at the hospital for a lot of reasons

According to a statement from his publicist, Mick Jagger was at the hospital for the arrival. I like that they had him “for the arrival.” He is 73, he could have been at the hospital for a lot of reasons. –Jimmy Kimmel

Hillary Clinton made her first public appearance on Capitol Hill since that whole election thing today. She was in town to honor outgoing Nevada Sen. Harry Reid and, what an impression. She showed up in black leather from head to toe, like Olivia Newton-John in the final scene of “Grease.” Incredible. –Jimmy Kimmel

Donald Trump this weekend will give his first Sunday morning news interview since the election, and it’s a big sacrifice for him because Sunday morning is usually when he tweets about “Saturday Night Live.” –Seth Meyers

It's like getting barked at by a chihuahua locked in a car

"North Korea has the same ability to launch a nuclear strike against America as I do. It's like walking through a parking lot and getting barked at by a chihuahua locked in a car." –Bill Maher 



"Everybody's excited about college basketball's tournament. You know who is a big fan of the Syracuse Orangemen? John Boehner." –David Letterman

"North Korea threatened to launch a missile at South Korea. North Korea backed down after South Korea threatened to launch a sequel to 'Gangnam Style.'" –Conan O'Brien



"In high school Kim Jong Un starred in a production of the musical 'Grease.' That's also where Kim met his first wife, Olivia Newton Jong." –Conan O'Brien