It's not you, it's I-95 (a body has already washed up onshore)

According to a new study, men who live near heavily used roads are more likely to have trouble achieving an erection due to pollution exposure. Said one man, "It's not you, it's I-95." --Seth Meyers

Officials have announced that Manhattan will be getting its first public beach in 2022. And even though it's three years away, a body has already washed up onshore. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

How could you forget your marijuana? (There’s plenty of trash in the sea)

Three people were arrested and charged in New Jersey today after leaving behind a pound of marijuana in their hotel room. How could you forget your marijuana? Oh. Right. –Seth Meyers

According to a new report, by 2050, the world’s oceans will contain more plastic trash than fish. So the next time you get dumped, remember: There’s plenty of trash in the sea. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Do you have the plague? (Even worse, that's vertically)

Experts reported this week that so much trash has accumulated in

Los Angeles, they believe it could lead to a spread of the bubonic

plague. Said people in Los Angeles, "We are gonna get so skinny."

"Do you have the plague? You have to get the plague."

--Seth Meyers

The Department of Homeland Security reported this week that just 20 miles of President Trump's border wall have been built. Even worse, that's vertically. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You can’t outrun your mortality on a Vespa! (and cross it deliberately)

Meanwhile, Trump’s “wonder wheel of random tariffs” has hit most US trading partners. On Wednesday, the EU clapped back, instituting tariffs on a number of American goods including bourbon, whiskey, jeans and Harley-Davidson motorcycles. “That is going to make it so much harder for European men to have a midlife crisis. You can’t outrun your mortality on a Vespa!” —Stephen Colbert

“It’s not just the economy. Trump also, and I want to be fair, is ruining everything,” as his Environmental Protection Agency announced it would repeal dozens of the nation’s most significant environmental regulations, including more than two dozen protections against air and water pollution. “I mean, just even hearing that stresses me out. I need a drink, man,” [said Colbert before sipping a brown liquid.] “Oh my God, that’s water.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's the best money I ever spent said Chris Christie (hold the special sauce)

A massive tuna sold for $1.3 million at a Japanese auction. It's the best money I ever spent said Chris Christie. —Greg Gutfeld

700 former employees are suing McDonald's because their managers demanded sex in exchange for extra hours. One thing's for sure the next time I go to McDonald’s, I'm going to ask them to hold the special sauce. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

a gold watch that stopped working years ago (they're capturing it with ducks)

"Yesterday, the Senate floor was reserved for farewell speeches from retiring senators. Each senator received a fitting gift: a gold watch that stopped working years ago." –Jimmy Fallon

"Here's a little bit of good news. The Coast Guard says that BP is now catching up to 630,000 gallons of oil a day. The bad news is that they're capturing it with ducks." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If you're swimming in New Jersey rivers, you're probably not big on warnings (So there's enough for two people)

A Maryland couple is suing their realtor because they say the agent knew the home was infested with snakes, but sold it to them anyway. In fairness, what the realtor said was that the place definitely didn't have any mice. —Seth Meyers

Authorities are warning people to avoid swimming in some New Jersey rivers because of increased numbers of so-called clinging jellyfish. Though if you're swimming in New Jersey rivers, you're probably not big on warnings. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I can't wait to see who takes home the gold in the Olympic doggie paddle (And she knows where the money is)

The 2016 Rio games start Friday, and there are some concerns. Athletes swimming in the heavily polluted Guanabara Bay have been warned by health experts to keep their mouths closed in the toxic stew. OK? Mouths closed. Or heads out of the water. I can't wait to see who takes home the gold in the Olympic doggie paddle. –Stephen Colbert

Of course, Hillary also had her moments. Here’s what she said about her tax plans: “We are going to go where the money is.” And she knows where the money is. It’s where she gives her speeches. –Stephen Colbert

Remember a few months ago when future former President Barack Obama got Iran to release four American prisoners? Well, it turns out he forgot to tell us about a small shipping and handling fee. Because as the prisoners were freed, $400 million was flown to Iran on a plane loaded with cash. Don't you hate it when you're on an airplane and you get stuck sitting next to $400 million? You don't know who gets the armrest. –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Even Dick Cheney won't go hunting with her (a tasty new fish stick)

"But you know, this is a great thing about the United States of

America. We take any situation, make it something good. You

know, we are a glass half full country. Mrs. Paul's, the fish sticks

people, they heard about the mercury in the fish and they've

come out now with a tasty new fish stick which you can also use

to take your temperature." --David Letterman

"Squeaky Fromme has been in prison since the '70s for trying to shoot President Gerald Ford. Out of prison now. But she's described as an unstable gun nut. Here's how unstable and nutty she is. Even Dick Cheney won't go hunting with her." --David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

notorious for being under control (Mama Bear for Oligarchs)

 

"Kind of a sad study out today that single women over the age of 35 are more likely to be shot by the vice president Dick Cheney than to find a husband." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The Chinese government claims that it has the smog that Beijing is ‘notorious for being under control’, but here's how bad it really is. They say if Snoop Dogg rolled down the window of his limo, smoke would pour in." --Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

We’ve never been so embarrassed — and we were founded by Hitler (the guy who invented the penny)

On stage in Indianapolis, the Dalai Lama got a fit of the giggles. When asked why he said, "For decades people have been saying to me 'hello, Dalai' and I finally got it." –Conan O’Brien

Volkswagen's settlement for its emissions cheating scandal is going to cost it nearly $15 billion. A spokesperson for Volkswagen said, "We’ve never been so embarrassed — and we were founded by Hitler." –Conan O’Brien

"This weekend, President Bush gave a speech honoring Abraham Lincoln's birthday. There was an awkward moment when Bush referred to Lincoln as 'the guy who invented the penny.'" --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If you're named after a lizard, you have to assume birds are going to try to eat you (water and air)

Tax Day normally falls on April 15 traditionally, but they moved it this year because the 15th was a Saturday, and I think it’s illegal to make people do math on Saturdays. –Jimmy Kimmel

“Why on earth would his name be on the stimulus checks? They’re not from him. It’s not his money. Trump didn’t even put his name on the check he sent Stormy Daniels.” — Jimmy Kimmel

"At the St. Louis Zoo, Newt Gingrich got too close to one of the animals and was bit on the hand by a penguin. If you're named after a lizard, you have to assume birds are going to try to eat you." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I have the most possible knees (a man swam all the way across without dissolving)

President Trump will have his first physical exam as president this Friday. That story again, Trump will have his first-ever physical exam on Friday. “It turns out I have two knees. That’s the most. I have the most possible knees.” --Seth Meyers

Today was the 10th anniversary of the Miracle on the Hudson, when a U.S. Airways jet successfully made an emergency landing in the Hudson River. Not to be confused with the Miracle on the East River where a man swam all the way across without dissolving. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Looks like the student has become the mustard! (invisibility cloak)

The Harry Potter Studio Tour just announced that it's hosting a Valentine's Day dinner in the Great Hall from Hogwarts. It's great for couples, or for single guys who claim their date is wearing an “invisibility cloak.” –Jimmy Fallon

Jeb Bush was talking about the Obamas yesterday and mispronounced their daughter Malia's name, and it sounded like he said “Malala.” Then his brother George was like, "Heh — looks like the student has become the mustard!” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

cops say their job has never been easier (rich people's rocket money)

Donald Trump is considering Sarah Palin to be his secretary of Veterans Affairs. Palin says she’s great at helping veterans. John McCain was like, “Wrong.” –Jimmy Fallon

There's a new dating site that's specifically for people who love Disney movies called "Mouse Mingle." Guys who join the site say they love it, while cops say their job has never been easier. –Jimmy Fallon

Pringles is selling a line of scented candles in the U.K. that smell like different Pringles flavors. They said they tried selling them in the U.S., but people ate them. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Wow – how’d they get a venue so quick?! (Does this mean I can stay in my pajamas?)

Another big story is that Prince Harry is engaged to Meghan Markle. And it was announced that they’ll marry at Windsor Castle this May. Right now, every bride is asking, “Wow – how’d they get a venue so quick?!” –Jimmy Fallon

A little drama out of Washington today. Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi canceled their meeting with President Trump, after he attacked them on Twitter. Then Trump was like, “Does this mean I can stay in my pajamas?" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Even worse, some of it was wasted (Jesus, it's hot)

 

"This is a terrible controversy. According to a new report, $1.4 billion of FEMA money for Hurricane Katrina victims was used to buy alcohol, vacations and pornography. Even worse, some of it was wasted." --Conan O'Brien

"The National Academy of Sciences says that due to pollution and global warming, this year the Earth has been the hottest since the time of Jesus which explains why the disciples were always saying, 'Jesus, it's hot.'" --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

China is limiting their greenhouse gas emissions, bringing them down from their current level of "infinite." (washed up on the banks of a river)

The president of China announced an agreement today aimed at limiting greenhouse gas emissions. Yes, China is limiting their greenhouse gas emissions, bringing them down from their current level of "infinite." –Stephen Colbert

Donald Trump is slumping in the polls. Don't leave me, Donald. Don't you understand, if you go away, I'm going to have to talk about those other boring people. I'm going to have to learn their names. –Stephen Colbert

“Additionally, in 2010, Trump claimed and received a tax refund of $72.9 Million – a refund the IRS has not confirmed is legal, and whose penalties would cost Trump $100 Million. And there’s a good ole chance that good ole fake billionaire President Trump wouldn’t be able to pay that bill. Trump’s golf courses, for example, have reported losses of $315.6 Million since 2000. Someone really needs to explain to him that in golf, you want a low score. In the golf business, you really don’t want to finish 315 million under par. On top of the business losses, the Times also found that Trump is personally responsible for loans and other debt totaling $421 Million. To put that in layman’s terms – I can’t. It’s 421 million dollars. Normally you don’t find someone who owes that kind of cash in the Oval Office. You find them washed up on the banks of a river. And Trump only looks like he washed up on the banks of a river.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

you'll be able to see everything, except what the hell your teenage daughter's up to (Sorry. Sorry for that image)

"This morning, John McCain, I don't know if you saw this, he appeared as a guest on 'The View.' Did you see that? Yeah, there was kind of an awkward moment when McCain looked at Barbara Walters, he looked at her up and down and said, 'Man, if I was 20 years younger...' Sorry. Sorry for that image." --Conan O'Brien

"This is weird. A new book that is coming out claims that Osama bin laden is a huge Whitney Houston fan. Experts say that helps explain why bin Laden's latest video repeatedly calls for 'death to Bobby Brown.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Experts say -- this is interesting -- that since Sarah Palin became the vice presidential nominee, there's been an actual spike in the sales of her style of eyeglasses. Gone way up. Yeah. Yeah, with Palin's glasses, you'll be able to see everything, except what the hell your teenage daughter's up to." --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”