Even worse, that's vertically (we can assume it wasn't a confession)

The Department of Homeland Security reported this week that just 20 miles of President Trump's border wall have been built. Even worse, that's vertically. --Seth Meyers

President Trump and Pope Francis today had a 30-minute long meeting in the Pope’s private study. We don’t know what they talked about, but since it was only 30 minutes, we can assume it wasn't a confession. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'm just going to keep saying this (no one's more disappointed than her dogs)

“After bombing Iran, President Trump is calling for the Iranian people to rise up to topple the regime, which is the opposite of what he said he would do. He usually only calls for the overthrow of a government when he loses an election.” —Jimmy Kimmel

Meanwhile, President Trump fired DHS Secretary Kristi Noem. And no one's more disappointed than her dogs. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

finally this administration has a sex scandal involving consenting adults (I think you have to take that seriously)

President Trump’s said that he expected his State of the Union speech to be long. Oh yeah, I think we’re all expecting that. He is incapable of being brief. Even if Trump were just going to read a haiku, I would expect two intermissions. —Seth Meyers

We have a status update on the homeland security secretary, Kristi Noem. As head of DHS, Noem has a busy job starting wars in American cities, but somehow she seems to have found time for love. There are many reports that Noem, who is married, is having a poorly concealed affair with her deputy, Corey Lewandowski. Both have denied the rumors. Guys, finally this administration has a sex scandal involving consenting adults. We did it! USA, USA, USA! —Desi Lydic

President Trump’s controversial tariffs, which the supreme court, even stacked with conservative justices, declared unconstitutional in a 6-3 opinion. Somebody finally had the balls to say they were illegal. A court composed mostly of his own party’s appointees has struck down the constitutionality of Trump’s go-it-alone tariff regime. That’s bound to cause him some introspection. Not quite. In a post on Truth Social, Trump called the supreme court a “disgrace to our nation” and suggested the justices were an “embarrassment” to their families. When a guy who had sex with a porn star right after his wife had given birth tells you you’re an embarrassment to your family, I think you have to take that seriously. —Jon Stewart

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'm working for Homeland Security (competition)

"Do you know why they're moving? Because some members of Congress have started investigating Halliburton for over-billing and for taking too much of American taxpayers' money for doing too little work. Or, as Congress calls it, 'competition.'" --Jay Leno

"There are reports that female terrorists are being fitted with exploding breast implants. How many guys are going to use this as an excuse? 'Honey, I'm not looking at her breasts. I'm working for Homeland Security.'" –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Do you have the plague? (Even worse, that's vertically)

Experts reported this week that so much trash has accumulated in

Los Angeles, they believe it could lead to a spread of the bubonic

plague. Said people in Los Angeles, "We are gonna get so skinny."

"Do you have the plague? You have to get the plague."

--Seth Meyers

The Department of Homeland Security reported this week that just 20 miles of President Trump's border wall have been built. Even worse, that's vertically. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

she spends that much a month on ham (four of the five monsters)

Mattel is blaming tariffs for increasing the price of Barbie dolls and also crushing Ken's dreams of ever having genitals. —Greg Gutfeld

A 115 year-old British woman is now the world's oldest living person. Or as Joe Biden likes to call her jailbait. —Greg Gutfeld

The DHS claims self- deportation would be 70% cheaper for taxpayers. It currently costs over 17 grand to arrest detain and deport someone. While it would only cost $4,500 to self-deport. Hell, Joy Behar spends that much a month on ham. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

gang signs (pulled out a little too late)

Elon Musk announced that he will step back from his role with DOGE. But as always, Elon pulled out a little too late. —Michael Che

It was reported that the Homeland Security Department has created a method to assess tattoos and determine if they are gang signs. The way it works is they check to see if the tattoo is on brown skin. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Who wouldn't want to be a republican right now? (the second dumbest kid in class)

Who wouldn't want to be a republican right now? It's like finding out you're pregnant and Elon Musk is the dad. —Greg Gutfeld

The democrats are in shambles. They pretend to be authentic by imitating each other. They're like the second dumbest kid in class cheating off the dumbest kid in class. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'm about to get kicked out of this supermarket (Even worse, that's vertically)

The Department of Homeland Security reported this week that just 20 miles of President Trump's border wall have been built. Even worse, that's vertically. --Seth Meyers

More people attended Broadway shows this year than attended the events of all 10 local pro sports teams combined. This according to Bryce’s PowerPoint entitled “Why I Should Be Allowed to Do Plays, Dad.” –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

How many homeless families does it take to make a billionaire? (Omaha bin Laden)

 

"Let's begin tonight right here in New York, New York. The city's so nice, it was attacked by international terrorists twice. So naturally, last week, the Department of Homeland Security announced a cut in anti-terrorism grants to New York and Washington, D.C. by 40%. Now to some, cutting anti-terror money to the two cities that have already suffered major terrorist attacks might sound, I don't know, insane. So, if New York's funding is being slashed, where is all the money going? Apparently, it's being used to boost the defense budgets of terrorist hot spots like Charlotte, Louisville and Omaha, Nebraska. Apparently, Homeland Security distributes the terror funds on the basis of what item your city has the world's largest ball of. Now, I can understand the concern over Omaha. That city is of course under constant threat from renowned Midwestern terrorist Omaha bin Laden." --Jon Stewart

"President Bush was in Baghdad for six hours. You weren't even in the real Baghdad. You were in the Green Zone. That's like going to the Olive Garden and saying you've been to Italy." –Jon Stewart

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

OK, I'll do it! I talked me into it! (You don't have to imagine that last one)

Donald Trump's recent immigration plan would cost at least $166 billion. When asked how he'd pay for it, Trump was like, "No hablo inglés.” –Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump just gave a big interview to the Hollywood Reporter. And when he was asked what actor he’d want to play him in a movie, he said, “Somebody really, really handsome.” Then he said, “OK, I'll do it! I talked me into it!" –Jimmy Fallon

The TSA's airport body scanners have been shown to be so ineffective, the Homeland Security chairman suggested using traditional metal detectors. While LaGuardia will continue to just have a scarecrow dressed as a cop. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to rabbit bachelorette parties (poverty exploiters)

Two Australian farmers recently created a kind of vodka made from carrots. It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to rabbit bachelorette parties. –Seth Meyers

The big day finally arrived. Beyoncé gave birth to twins this weekend. And this is surprising: Their names are Kevin and Linda. –Seth Meyers

Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen yesterday dismissed demands that President Trump unilaterally end the practice of separating families at the border, and said, "Congress can fix this tomorrow." Really? Have you MET Congress? They're still finalizing the Louisiana Purchase. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He meant he hopes Goldman Sachs changes their speaking fees from $225K to $400K (Apparently, up until this point, she's just been shoplifting)

Queen Elizabeth today learned how to use a self-service check-out at a supermarket's 105th birthday celebration. Apparently, up until this point, she's just been shoplifting. --Seth Meyers

Officials in Japan have begun criticizing President Trump's state visit later this month following reports that Trump would be given a chair to sit on while attending a sumo-wrestling tournament rather than following the traditional custom of sitting on the floor. Hey, that's just how he is. When Melania gave birth, he took the bed. --Seth Meyers

The Department of Homeland Security reported this week that just 20 miles of President Trump's border wall have been built. Even worse, that's vertically. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The investigation will be conducted by the Department of Irony (This next song is called Blue Oyster Cult)

"The French have launched their own version of Google, called Quaero. You just type in the subject you're interested in, and Quaero refuses to look it up for you." –Amy Poehler

President Bush said Thursday that he would probably accept foreign donations to build his presidential library in Dallas, and would keep donor's names confidential if they do not want to be identified, and yet, still nothing." --Amy Poehler

"In his first televised interview since suspending his presidential campaign, Mitt Romney on Tuesday said he would be honored to serve as John McCain's vice presidential nominee. Which was an odd response to the question, 'So, how do you like this weather?'" --Amy Poehler

 

"Because of various security lapses, some senators are calling for a probe of the security at the offices of the Department of Homeland Security. The investigation will be conducted by the Department of Irony." --Amy Poehler

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

try not to make him into a bong (Wow, it sounds like there's no downside!)

"Muslim law condemns any artistic rendering of the prophet Mohammed, kind of like the Christian commandment against taking the lord's name in vain, or the unspoken Buddhist rule, try not to make him into a bong." --Jon Stewart

"Adding insult to injury, one of the reasons New York's funding was cut is that, according to Homeland Security's analysis of potential terror targets, the number of New York's national icons and monuments is zero. In the report, the Brooklyn Bridge -- the world's first steel wire suspension bridge -- was classified merely as a 'bridge.' The Empire State building is referred to simply as 'tall office building.' And as for the Statue of Liberty, the Department of Homeland Security has recently classified her as 'a giant, green water whore.'" --Jon Stewart

 

"This week, the United States Military Academy announced it had discovered an al Qaeda employment contract, detailing the benefits of joining the group. Membership does have its privileges. Married males receive 6500 rupees and a week's vacation for every three weeks work. Wow, it sounds like there's no downside! Oh, wait, the retirement plan." --Jon Stewart

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So if you live in New York and you’re consuming powdered alcohol, your life just somehow got even worse (Calling All Wang Lords)

"New research found that people who wake up early are more productive than people who sleep in. Or as Congress put it, 'Whoa — is it noon already?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A woman here in New York was arrested for pouring chili on $700 worth of Victoria's Secret underwear. Or as Rush Limbaugh calls that, foreplay. 'Why don't you slip into something a little more con carni?'" –Jimmy Fallon

New York Governor Andrew Cuomo just signed a bill that bans powdered alcohol from the state. So if you live in New York and you’re consuming powdered alcohol, your life just somehow got even worse. –Jimmy Fallon

The TSA's airport body scanners have been shown to be so ineffective, the Homeland Security chairman suggested using traditional metal detectors. While LaGuardia will continue to just have a scarecrow dressed as a cop. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The investigation will be conducted by the Department of Irony (You know, maverick style)

"The New York Times this week printed an article alleging that John McCain may have had an improper affair with lobbyist Vicki Iseman. Or, as it's known among lobbyists, lobbying." --Amy Poehler

"The Washington Post reported this week that Sarah Palin billed taxpayers in Alaska for travel expenses for 312 nights she spent in her own home. You know, maverick style." –Amy Poehler

"Because of various security lapses, some senators are calling for a probe of the security at the offices of the Department of Homeland Security. The investigation will be conducted by the Department of Irony." --Amy Poehler

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Here's my question: When can we get that deal? (My secret is coconut oil)

"And they said that Governor Palin was coached by some of John McCain's senior advisers. Senior advisers? The guy is 72. How old are these guys? Are they left over from the Bull Moose Party?" --Jay Leno

"Just 48 hours after Homeland Security officials told Congress a 28-mile-long virtual fence along the U.S./Mexican border was working, they now say it will be delayed three years because they can't get the video surveillance to work. Can't get it to work. Isn't that amazing? Do you realize, Homeland Security has less video surveillance than the New England Patriots." --Jay Leno

 

"President Bush said today he has nothing but respect for Mexico and its people and he will always speak the truth to them. Here's my question: When can we get that deal?" --Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton said today that she didn't know her husband, Bill Clinton, was giving the Arabs advice on the port deal while she was ruling against it. Can you believe that? Hillary was clueless about a major political event. You know what that means. She could really be the next president of the United States." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Really? Have you MET Congress? They're still finalizing the Louisiana Purchase (Ten tickles)

Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen yesterday dismissed demands that President Trump unilaterally end the practice of separating families at the border, and said, "Congress can fix this tomorrow." Really? Have you MET Congress? They're still finalizing the Louisiana Purchase. --Seth Meyers

NASCAR released a statement today calling for the removal of the Confederate flag from the South Carolina capitol. Released a statement? They should have sent a pit crew. That thing would be down in under nine seconds. –Seth Meyers

The big day finally arrived. Beyoncé gave birth to twins this weekend. And this is surprising: Their names are Kevin and Linda. –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If that was Clinton going in for Merkel, somehow her bra would be off (he said, and they, they, they, they and they said)

"For someone who's so into praying, [George W. Bush] really sucks at it. God never listens to him. So the president happened to miss one warning [about Katrina breaches]. Not a big deal. Unfortunately, by the next night, the Homeland Security Operations Center continued to report that no levees had been breached, despite having received at least 16 reports to the contrary. It's really just a simple case of he said, and they, they, they, they and they said." --Jon Stewart

"The chancellor of Germany disengaged herself from President Bush using a move she learned in date rape prevention class. If that was Clinton going in for Merkel, somehow her bra would be off." --Jon Stewart, on Bush groping German Chancellor Angela Merkel

"Now, this story of the vice president shooting someone in the face certainly has its humorous aspects. But it also raises a serious issue, one which I feel very strongly about. Moms, dads, if you're watching right now, I can't emphasize this enough: Do not let your kids go on hunting trips with the vice president. I don't care what kind of lucrative contracts they're trying to land, or energy regulations they're trying to get lifted -- it's just not worth it." --Jon Stewart

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”